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Butch
December 17th, 2013, 09:00 PM
Control; a sense of restraint and restriction. Limiting what is unruly and wild. I feel the tight, untamed sensation grip me, something in which I cannot command. It directs me; influences my every move and my every word.

“Silence,” I whisper darkly, my face shadowed and hidden. The woman lay bound and gagged, her body tightening at my voice. The words hit her like ice. Something cold and flat that makes her shiver. I smile; a thing unbidden. It stretches the skin tight around my eyes, white teeth gleaming from the dull, dank corner of the room. She struggles against the strap that pins her head to the stained mattress. Her eyes struggle against their limits as they search for me. And I am there waiting, patient and eager. Her eyes touch the darkness at my feet and they rise slowly; unwillingly. My smile widens and something euphoric shoots through my arms, leaving tingling, tormenting feeling in the tips of my fingers. My hands, they shake, and I grab for the knife to quell my excitement. She moans as my shoe brushes the stone underfoot. She flinches and wriggles a vain attempt to escape, to break free.

“Do not struggle.” Another echoing slap repeats around us as my foot touches the ground. Her sobs are muffles that I cannot hear.

“You belong to me now. Do not fight what is to come. It is... Inevitable,” I say in a cruel voice as my fingers brush the knife’s edge. She screams, subdued by the cloth jammed in her mouth and it reaches my ears a frail and futile plea. I step beside her and she turns her head, eyes pressed shut as though wishing it a harmless dream.

“You know why you are here. Why you are chosen,” I accuse in a harsh voice. I brush the hair from her face as she struggles against my touch. My hand is gentle but reserved and I touch her like I touch anything that holds no meaning. My finger slides idly from her cheek and my eyes look past her for a moment as my mind slips into a private place. Though they quickly darken again when I hear her sobs and see her writhe from my touch as though in disgust.

“How dare you!” I snap, anger surging through me like a black tide. She was beautiful and yet i gag at her sight. A grotesque, hideous being delivered to the fate she deserves. As my anger fades I raise my hand that is gripped around my knife and place my other atop the handle. My black gloves shimmer as they hover before her. Her eyes grow wide and panicked with the agreement of my lips as they too stretch into an honest and hungry sneer and then I bring my hand down upon her and watch as her body jolts against her binds. The knife bites into her time and time again, a predator tasting its prey. Her thrashes weaken and she lolls, her arms growing limp beside her, no longer fighting the restraints that tame her.

Something elated and joyous washes over me, cleansing me, purging me. I feel a rush of tainted glee, and I sway for a moment, holding on to the magic; floating on the waves of a song as a beautiful chorus swells and carries me higher. And then it fades and so too does the smile that brought it. I glance at her still, unmoving frame with dark, impassive eyes and yank the knife from her as though fearful of marring the metal with her sin. I prepare to leave, a process long and detailed in its making. The longing returns soon after, its wilderness hard to contain, impossible to soothe. Always hungry - I wrap and bag her lifeless corpse and smile – knowing that this emptiness is always easy to fill.

Katon
December 18th, 2013, 03:42 AM
This is a very intense piece. However, the theme was not something that I was expecting. I would like to suggest that you warn the reader that your work contains very disturbing content next time you decide to write something like this. One thing to consider, avoid vague descriptions. "I whisper darkly, " what does that sound like? Normally adverbs lend themselves to a vague description. Try instead, "I whisper, my voice short like a cracking whip." It isn't perfect, but it hope that you get the idea. Instead of using adverbs that only halfway describe what is going on, actuallyadd are the time to think how you want his voice to sound. I had a professor write on my paper when I used the word "sneered,"- "What does this look like?" I realized, what does that look like? She was trying to get me to actually get into detail, (without being overbearing) that the man pulled his lips back showing a full set of jagged teeth. His dark green eyes caught the light in such a way that it looked that fire danced across their glossy surface. (Granted that was a little overdone, I think that you get the point.) Don't use so many sets of one word descriptions, when you can play with the English language to conjure complex imagery to describe a scene. What do "impassive eyes," look like? You did great with, "it stretches the skin tight around my eyes..." But I really want to see more of that. Also, more character development would be great. I want to know who this person is. I want to see who he is, parts of his history, through what he is presently doing. Flush out your characters more, it always is a great thing to make your characters more rounded. Your main character seems to be just the plain serial killer type, however, you can expound upon him. Give him depth, something that makes him seem more human. Besides all for that, your story was great, very well written. I was able to really get a feeling of the intense emotions in this piece.

Butch
December 19th, 2013, 11:36 AM
Hello Katon,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I understand what you mean. I could expand in detail in some places; describe what a dark whisper actually sounds like. It would make for better writing. This piece was only something short i toyed with for a while. Nothing substantial, but if I was to lengthen it i would deepen the characters background and emotion. I'm glad you enjoyed and i appreciate the advice.

Regards, Butch.

The_D_is_silent
December 24th, 2013, 04:02 PM
Great advice from Katon. The only thing I could add is to not try to over-think the language. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you're not going to impress anyone with it. A quick google search calls it 'purple prose.' Don't get me wrong, always play around with words, but remember the story comes first

Katon
December 24th, 2013, 09:40 PM
Right, there is a balance to everything. You never want too much of anything, it always ends up being bad...

eswriter
December 26th, 2013, 05:31 PM
Don't have much advice beyond what others have offered. I agree with the adverb thing: verb-driven descriptors always do way better. A general comment, I find it extremely difficult to use an intimate POV for a sadistic villain like this one, so (a) my hat's off to you and (b) I hope you can pull off the full story that way. Getting a reader to want to follow, much less identify with a protagonist and narrator of this ilk may prove rather challenging.

Ramoslav
December 26th, 2013, 10:53 PM
Hello,

When I read this story i felt uncomfortable a first. It has a lot of evil in it :)
but I have to say that it engaged me and made me curious about your main character. Though a bit more information about him would help me lot more.

Great story, the grammar makes me jealous. :)

thepancreas11
January 3rd, 2014, 06:27 PM
What is your character's purpose? Writing a sadistic piece just to be sadistic comes across as creepy, not entertaining. The great cinematic serial killers all have a drive that reflects on an ugly part of humanity: Hannibal Lector needs to be in control, Norman Bates is repressed by his mother, etc. I would encourage you to watch Alfred Hitchcock films when it comes to creating suspense and a world inside the mind of a murderer. It will endear you to a larger audience and will also hold a better story.

Butch
January 4th, 2014, 07:06 PM
Thanks for taking the time to comment guys, everything said has been taken on board. :)

cob
January 14th, 2014, 02:10 AM
My only comment is adjective/adverb abuse(which has been mentioned a little). That is, I'm feeling more tell of the scene than show. The most obvious example is when you call the girl a "grotesque, hideous being." using both of these terms is redundant. However, if you were to call her grotesque OR hideous but add another term like "trembling" which I assume she would be, given the scenario.

I love the style and I was thrilled to see it was as dark as I was hoping with that title... it's sort of a self-righteousness, misguided value system type of thing, yes?

- - - Updated - - -

My only comment is adjective/adverb abuse(which has been mentioned a little). That is, I'm feeling more tell of the scene than show. The most obvious example is when you call the girl a "grotesque, hideous being." using both of these terms is redundant. However, if you were to call her grotesque OR hideous but add another term like "trembling" which I assume she would be, given the scenario.

I love the style and I was thrilled to see it was as dark as I was hoping with that title... it's sort of a self-righteousness, misguided value system type of thing, yes?

Butch
January 17th, 2014, 02:39 PM
Exactly right Cob, Thank you for your comments. I see what you mean about the redundancy thing. I'm glad you liked it. It's true, he's misguided and virtuous, a sort of vigilante if you will, taking the law into his own hands; disposing of the wicked and the false. But of course, to do such things he has to be dark himself.

Regards, Butch.