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ThornhillD
December 15th, 2013, 04:05 AM
thinking of writing a book, this is what i first wrote. need a fresh set of eyes on this one.
thanks.



"BEHOLD!" said the fat man as he shifted towards the woman. "A spy from the land of the tainted!". The crowd went hysterical with hate, some even threw rocks at the woman.
The sight was gruesome: A fair haired, middle-aged woman wearing a torn white garment decorated with the stains of her own blood. Each wrist bound by rope and leading to a different horse facing opposite directions. It was a traditional form of execution. The townsfolk had grown used to it, but what sickened Drister Stonemen the most was the scattered grins on the faces of the crowd. 'Twisted maniacs' he thought to himself as the fat man interrupted,
"Hear ye! Hear ye!" the crowd silenced to listen to the overweight man. "An announcement from King Stillis Marlient the third." He cleared his throat in an almost deliberate fashion.
"Good people of Greynor! Before you is a convicted enemy of the realm! A spy within our walls!".
The crowd erupted into a flurry of boos and flying stones. A lucky throw smashing against her forehead leaving her brow soaked in blood."She posed as the wife of a merchant as she wandered about, seeking weaknesses that could cripple our great kingdom!"
The crowd gasped and whispered among themselves in fear. The fat man read on "But have no fear, fair people of Greynor! She found no weaknesses for they do not exists. Our will is as impenetrable as our walls! And we will show the enemy how we deal with such foul treachery!"
The mob let out a fearsome cheer. They wanted blood, Drister saw it in the eyes of every man and woman that surrounded the doomed convict. It was time, and the two men shouted at the horses and slapped them on their rears. The cheers lasted only a second before they were silenced by the horror that filled the crowd.
As always, Drister looked away when it came time for the execution, but the silence stabbed at his brain with curiosity. He looked up at the woman, and her eyes pierced his in a sinister fashion. she did not break eye contact even as the horses dislocated her shoulders. She grinned, and was pulled apart.

CorporateTool
December 15th, 2013, 05:12 AM
Some interesting stuff here but I do have one request: Please use paragraph breaks in the future. It makes reading online much easier. Anyway, onto the rest. A few minor tweaks.

---
'The sight was gruesome, A fair haired, middle-aged woman wearing a torn white garment decorated with the stains of her own blood.'

Should probably read more like:


'The sight was gruesome: A fair haired, middle-aged woman wearing a torn white garment decorated with the stains of her own blood.'

Fixes the capitalization issue and all.

---


It was a traditional form of execution. The townsfolk grew used to it, but what sickened Drister Stonemen the most was the scattered grins on the faces of the crowd. '

There is a bit of a tense issue here. Everything else is past tense, and even the rest of the sentence is following the comma. Keep an eye for that stuff. Should probably be something like:


It was a traditional form of execution. The townsfolk had grown used to it, but what sickened Drister Stonemen the most was the scattered grins on the faces of the crowd. '
---


'The crowd boo'd at her as the rocks cut her face and she bled from her forehead.'


This one is more of a taste thing but I feel like there are ways you could make this sentence more evocative. Maybe something more like this:


'The crowd erupted into a flurry of boos and flying stones. A lucky throw smashing against her forehead leaving it a tattered red mess.'

Just a suggestion to make it feel a bit more active and alive.

---


'The crowd let out a fearsome cheer. They wanted blood, you can see it in the eyes of every man and woman in the crowd. The time has come for the woman, and the two men shouted at the horses and slapped them on their rears. '

You slipped into present tense here again, make sure to watch for that.

---

That's about all I caught specifically. The only other suggestions I can think to make is to watch repeating words and phrases. One stand out was the use of 'Crowd.' Trying to spice that up a bit with some alternative terms might help.

Content wise: The ending was quite nice and I am definitely curious what the reveal will be in regards to what sort of sinister things are about to happen. I'm a sucker for a gritty fantasy setting.

ThornhillD
December 15th, 2013, 05:29 AM
Thanks so much corp! i proof read this paragraph so many times that i went blank while reading it. I'm adjusting the story on my end, and will update this thread with the appropriate fixes when i'm done.

CorporateTool
December 15th, 2013, 05:36 AM
No problem man, looking forward to more.

ThornhillD
December 15th, 2013, 07:05 AM
by the way, the ideas i have (although extremely top secret for now) are so captivating and full of mystery that going to bed after hours of reading will be near impossible. as if, the reader suffers from withdraw if he/she does not turn the page. all IMO. :P looking forward to keeping you in the dark. one post at a time.

good night,
Denis Thornhill

Elvenswordsman
December 18th, 2013, 07:07 AM
Some of the content needs edited for grammar, punctuation, but I'm going to stick to content.


"BEHOLD!" said the fat man as he shifted towards the woman. "A spy from the land of the tainted!". The crowd went hysterical with hate, some even threw rocks at the woman.

This isn't sold in the way you intended - you build great imagery, but ruin it with clichéd dialogue. "Tainted" is no term that should be used to express what you intend.


The sight was gruesome: A fair haired, middle-aged woman wearing a torn white garment decorated with the stains of her own blood. Each wrist bound by rope and leading to a different horse facing opposite directions. It was a traditional form of execution. The townsfolk had grown used to it, but what sickened Drister Stonemen the most was the scattered grins on the faces of the crowd. 'Twisted maniacs' he thought to himself as the fat man interrupted, "Hear ye! Hear ye!" the crowd silenced to listen to the overweight man. "An announcement from King Stillis Marlient the third." He cleared his throat in an almost deliberate fashion.

Slight run-on, wasn't it. Your concepts are good, but you're really missing the opportunity to sell your story in order to use the words you want. Think "brevity."


"Good people of Greynor! Before you is a convicted enemy of the realm! A spy within our walls!".
The crowd erupted into a flurry of boos and flying stones. A lucky throw smashing against her forehead leaving her brow soaked in blood."She posed as the wife of a merchant as she wandered about, seeking weaknesses that could cripple our great kingdom!"


"Pilfering secrets" may work better, but all-in-all I'm not a fan of the word choice, and you can certainly elaborate more with the description.


The crowd gasped and whispered among themselves in fear. The fat man read on "But have no fear, fair people of Greynor! She found no weaknesses for they do not exists. Our will is as impenetrable as our walls! And we will show the enemy how we deal with such foul treachery!"

I feel like you need to combine this dialogue for fluency, and elaborate on the description.


The mob let out a fearsome cheer. They wanted blood, Drister saw it in the eyes of every man and woman that surrounded the doomed convict. It was time, and the two men shouted at the horses and slapped them on their rears. The cheers lasted only a second before they were silenced by the horror that filled the crowd.

No. You go from drawing the dialogue for this instance out, and then cut is so short and simple? You've got to create some sort of drama here, otherwise it wasn't worth reading. Lady gives words before she's killed, anything. Just can't be so short and simple.


As always, Drister looked away when it came time for the execution, but the silence stabbed at his brain with curiosity. He looked up at the woman, and her eyes pierced his in a sinister fashion. she did not break eye contact even as the horses dislocated her shoulders. She grinned, and was pulled apart.

Your pre-info let us know Drister would avert his gaze. This is something you either haven't elaborated on clearly enough, or something that would only be necessary in the screenplay. Just choose how you're going to do it.

So get on with it, enjoy your writing, and keep working to build up on the concepts. This was fairly flat, and needs to be rounded out (assuming this is the intro). You're supposed to draw in, provide clarity, and work everything out consistently.

Outiboros
December 18th, 2013, 10:51 PM
Is it really 'foul treachery' when your enemy is spying on you? Your allies, sure, that would be treachery, but your enemy... what else is an enemy for? You can hardly be betrayed by someone while you're waging a war against them.

I won't pick it apart sentence by sentence - the others have done that already - but I will say one thing: the main character seems oddly detached from the whole scene. Apart from the last few lines it's almost as if he isn't there; the end makes me think this is a close third-person POV, while the rest seems to be detached from that without his involvement.