View Full Version : Video game conceptual story line.

December 14th, 2013, 07:25 PM
1.) I am not aiming for literary perfection, this is just a blueprint. a non-elaborated story broken down to concept.
2.) I might not be posting this on the right forum, couldn't find the "ideas" thread, so i apologize for any forum violations, and request to be moved appropriately.

-= PC RPG called: Check Mate!=-
Check Mate! is a single player Role-playing game for the PC, it is a project i decided to start with a buddy, and any feedback or suggestions would be superb. i'm open to everyone's opinion.

The game is extremely graphic, but the people that inhabit the world i'm creating are not humans. they are chess pieces in a "sword and magic" fantasy world.

Here is what ive written so far.

Check Mate! rpg Story-line.

You begin as a member of the "Kings Fist", an elite Task-force dedicated to every command of The king, Stillis Marlient III. Your name is Jim Constants, the Giant-Slayer.

Giant-slayer information that the gamer needs to know.

Jim Constants took part in the defensive battle of the ramp (due to the fact that the battle took place on the main ramp that led entrance into the Castle). the ramp was the only way into the castle due to the lava that filled the deep trench surrounding the perimiter of the castle. The enemy had a secret weapon, they had a giant, armoured, savage Giant called sling. The enemy called him sling beause that was his weapon of choice, the sling.
size of the giant- 75 to 100ft.

All of the men where too frightened of the beast, because he hurled gigantic boulders at them with his sling rather than little rocks, due to his size.

Note: Jim at that time, was NOT part of Kings Fist, he was just a normal foot soldier of low rank.

Suddenly, jim broke formation, his superiors yelled at him and threatened him with execution for what they thought was running away.
some how, he got the gatesmen to open the gate, and he was face to face with the beast on the ramp. they closed the gate behind him, and there was nowhere to run.
but jim was not scared, he knew that the sling was a dangerous, but slow weapon that needed time to wind up to be effective. and he knew a beast of that size would be slow, while he is quick on his feet and an expert climber.
Jim did not hesitate, he charged towards the beast while soldiers from both sides watched, simultaneously holding their breaths.
when jim was close enough, he leaped as hard as he could and firmly grasped the knee of the giant.
the giant looked down frantically, searching for the brave soilder, but could not find him.
jim quickly moved up, from knee to his lower back, then to his chest, all while watching where the beast is searching, trying not to be seen. jim reached his final destination, the neck of the beast. he knew that the beast could not put his head in any angle possible and be able to see his own neck, and thats where jim drove his sword, right into the house-sized adams apple of the beast. he stabbed the giant several times, and blood came out of its neck like a waterfall.
the beast fell and died, and the enemy retreated in fear. they have won, and jim was a hero.

consiquently, the king rewarded him with a position in Kings Fist, where he is now.

Basic overview of conceptual events from begining, to climax, to conclusion:

concept: the King befriends jim, jim does his bidding, when they take captive his brother, he rebels to save him and kills the king.
note: many many climaxes and decision making will take place, all leading to the same story in a way that makes sense.

-The king becomes friendlier, more aquainted with jim, choosing him as his favorite. (cutscene)
-the king sends jim to take care of a matter in the dungeon, torturing people. (tutorial area, basic controlls, training dummys for sword swing, archery and magic.)
-when he reaches his destination (at the end of the tutorial), he decides the fate of a captive victem. none of the options selected by the gamer will be good for the victem, just graphic, bloody horrible ways for a chess peice to die. (because at that time, jim is extremely loyal to the king.)
-jim will continue doing things personaly for the king, and each one will further test his loyalty to the king.

He is sent to assasinate a high profile target, but he must go alone and not be seen. the target is asleep, when jim see's the man he is about to kill, he stops in his tracks, taken by suprise. it is his brother**.
at that time, the king, worried that jim might have failed, burnt the village to the ground and the other members of Kings Fist walk in with the king and took jims brother, saying "to the dungeon!". Jim did not react**, he had a feeling of confusion, mixed emotions, and a decision...between his king, or his own blood, his brother**.


jim hacks his way through the elite guard as he progresses through the castle. when he reaches the king, he is all bloodied and scrapped from the fighting.
boss fight: Kill the king, this encounter will consist of fighting the king and his high counsil** which all having different abilitys and key mechanics** that need to be taken into account.
once the counsilmen are slayn, the king transforms into "the manifestation of evil"** an ugly, shadowy figure, armed with torture tools. slay him and you win.
Note: everything marked with ** is subject to change.

To the WF community:

the story is in early development, but if you have any suggestions as to how i can "spice-up" the story, please don't hesitate to comment.
Also, if you believe i should scrap the story, please post that as well explaining why.

Final Note: i know it seems very generic, and not very exciting, but i'm going to work hard to help the gamer build a relationship with the characters.

thanks for reading.

-=Massive update! 12/14/2013=-


below that, i kinda voice acted it :P but im bad at voice acting. but i tried. MAN I LOVE WRITING.

theres a fire that burns within you.
from this day forth, men women and children of all ages will call your name in song and story. for you, and you alone slayed the beast and lifted the seige that forsaken this city.
let this man be a testimate of courage and justice. For without men like him amongst the earth, man kind would surely be damned.
you have truley proven yourself to your people this day, the people that could not escape the darkness that layed beyond the gate.
for your gaze did not lingure , even when faced with death himself.
your sword ready, patiently waiting for the taste of blood and justice.
you made your leap, and attacked with unmatchable courage.
scaling the beast with the absence of fear in your eyes.
you heard the fowl heart of the beast, and struck a mighty blow at its collar.
the beast fell,
and amongst the dust, from atop the carcus of the manifested evil, you stood up and rose a champion.
as your king, i grant you the highest of honors. you will serve as a member of the kings fist.
for i know you will carry out my every command with the fearless determinetion that is within your person.
you will be given the highest of respects from all four corners of the land.
your enemys will cower at the whisper of your name.
you will strike fear into the hearts of your enemys.
you will do so in my name, and the name of your people.
honor us again, like you have today.
for you are now reborn
into the champion of the people.

today we celebrate, in your name, for all you have done.
and all you will do.
i know your loyalty will not faulter
and the screams of those who oppose us will echo into the mountains and serve as warning for the conviving plotters.

i am your king and i give thee this honor.
you will carry the name Stillis Marlient the 3rd beyond foreign borders.
remember your king, and his will.
and your name will carry on until the sun is no more.
in the name of the crown, the kingdom, and the people.
i pernounce you, protector of kings, and champion of the realm.
what say ye, giant-slayer?


December 14th, 2013, 08:36 PM
You should PM me regarding this, would love to come back and leave some thoughts, no time today.

December 14th, 2013, 10:14 PM
You should PM me regarding this, would love to come back and leave some thoughts, no time today.
will do, ive seen your posts and replys, i greatly respect your opinion and feedback.

December 15th, 2013, 05:13 AM
Blue is commentary
Red are fixes I'd like to see.
Green are tips or my own opinions.

I apologize in advance for the 2300 word critique that follows. I see potential in the piece, and I'm excited to see where you go with it.

To start - I don't like the name. Check Mate! has its own implications that should stay separate from your story. It's also the name of several chess games for the pc, as you could imagine (I don't think under trademark law the punctuation differentiates it).

I'm not sure how the start of your game actually goes, but why not intro to learn this stuff? Discover the Kings Fist (don't like this name, consider that it's too apparent) as he slays a giant (Just realized you've done this, still reading). When they ask for his name, prompt the user to choose a name. Perhaps edit the character (if you're going to offer it) at that point too. Or better yet, have someone intro him to the Captain of the Guard, and intro him as (insert user name here) the Giant Slayer!

I don't like your name choice, either. Jim Constants - meh; modern, just doesn't seem round in the context of building a legend. Either let the user choose the name (and in today's video game environment the gender), or use something better.

Your story of the battle of the ramp is stupendously similar to the siege of Helms Deep. Just a thought, it's a good concept (that's why it was used, but can be used again if you do so less obviously).

I can foresee problems intro-ing a giant in this battle. First, I'd imagine he'd be seen from a ways off, and second it's something that is constantly reused. Think David and Goliath, the Ogres from the LOTR series, or really any Troll who has caused issues for companies of dwarves.

Why not have a prequel to the battle. Again, reverting to the idea that you're found after helping some troop slay the Giant, and pulled into the Kings Fist. I believe there's a lot of room to expand on the story, although if compression is your intention, feel free to avoid my thoughts.

"All of the men were ", but again - not a fan of this story line. I'd almost prefer if the giant attack was somewhere near a village, driven out of his own lands by a marching army.

Appreciate the effort in the story telling, but one doesn't command a soldier back in line as he charges a giant. One simply drops his eyes, shouts "Formation! Hold the ranks!" and considers the widow. In my scenario (the attack on the village) the soldiers watch as a lone villager rushes the giant. The commander yells to hold formation, someone protests, and the commander talks about how their only hope is to act as a unit (or some garbage like that - people like teamwork, outstanding odds).

Also, you mention him being face-to-face with a giant on the ramp. First, a 75-100 ft giant wouldn't fit most man-made ramps, nor would the man stand face-to-face with him (I know, simply the words used - but the meaning needs to be hyperbole). Again, I like the other scenario better, but you're the writer, I'll edit as I go.

The gate concept is flimsy, at best. It gets opened and closed in an instant as the giant scenario is realized. That's why the village scenario seems (in my mind) to trump this; last chance to save the ones he loves. No options, complete desperation.

Also, you seem to build up this terror (and I agree, most would be terrified) and then simply dismiss it, with a single line - Jim was not scared. HE SHOULD BE TERRIFIED! but this isn't a downfall, it's something that the reader can associate with - we all face our own giants, and this is one Jim (hate the name still) faces. We fear WITH him, and that shouldn't be so lightly dismissed.

Sure, giants - slow, big monsters are always slow - but they're big! This doesn't eliminate their ability to be unperturbed by a tiny little sword, or a bow and arrow. If you're building this thing up to be so large, you'll need a better way to deal with it.

Your physics in this piece seem a little odd to me. He grabs his knee? :| I guess he's not such a big giant after all. He'd also not be that slow if he's 3-4 X taller than Jim.

The giant is either humongous, or he's realistic. You choose, but it's got to be consistent. Also, get rid of the bit about being an expert climber. Nobody has ever defeated a giant by climbing him. Find a way to get him off balance, lead him to a bridge that spans a canyon, where he'll collapse through to the water below. Something, other than this.

The soldiers on both sides wouldn't turn and watch as this happened - when the giant lets out a dying shriek, that could draw attention, but this conflict would have the stomachs of the defenders in knots and the opposing army laughing their bottoms off.

"And no matter how hard he pushed against the ground, gravity pulled back." I don't see Jim as a superhuman, nor should you. This is a man, mortal and feeble compared to this monstrous thing; leave it that way.

A giant wouldn't be concerned with the location of the soldier. Jims either crawling up, pulling on leg hairs as he goes (giant knows where he is), or he's visible (I don't imagine a 100ft giant having a very big belly).

Also, how did Jim end up behind the giant, when a moment ago he was face-to-face with it? "Knee to lower back, to chest" ... Hmm, that's a logical climbing pattern. Jim must be magical, and holds the ability to phase through the giant. Also, I'm getting the hint that you're thinking that 100ft is really big for a giant. Sure, if it's man-like, but what you're talking about (the climbing and what not), this giant should be the size of a mountain! No numbers need given.

Again, my contention is that the giant is either small enough Jim doesn't go unnoticed, or large enough that he could handle 10 soldiers throwing themselves on him and climbing up and still not feel a tickle. You need to introduce some other way of running this scene, a 2-4 foot sword it like pricking yourself with a threading needle.

The enemy, given their implied numbers, wouldn't retreat in fear from the giant merely dying. Maybe piss the giant off, he goes back through the ranks swinging his giant maul, and the soldiers scattered from his path.

Size adjustments could allow the adams apple thing to work, but I'm still not sure I like this "sword takes 100ft giant" scenario.

The only way I could see this working would be if Jim dug his sword in at a downward angle and put his weight into sliding it down through the giants jugular. THEN I could imagine a waterfall of blood, but I still draw issue with the size. A bigger giant than you imagine (think mountains) and you could have several soldiers climbing him, and Jim command the swords into the throat and slide down. Or a smaller giant and this could be just Jim. You've picked an odd height. At the height you've given, the neck would be about 6 feet. Your choice (neck to body ratio is around 5:72 inches).

The King doesn't reward a peasant with a position. The Commander, General, Lieutenant (your choice) would bring him in. The King would celebrate him as a hero and hold him to his left side at all times as a guardian. But again, it's all in the storytelling.

So if you want to play good guy does the bidding of a terroriser thing, you should probably not start with his relationship being to the King. "And it turned out that it wasn't the commander who ordered his brother killed - it was the King!"

Good luck with the concept for keeping it all to the same story line. Even Dungeons and Dragons realized there have to be a couple of outlines, even if they end early. Jim turns bad, Jim dies, Jim was inactive and his whole family was slaughtered, he lost all will to fight. There have to be multiple endings, people are done with the "You must end up at this point" plots. Sometimes you just want to be bad.

I'm going to edit certain bits of your overview, you should be able to find them in a cross-comparison.

I won't be colour indicating below.


- The (Anti-Main Character) becomes friendlier, better acquainted with Jim, chooses him as his favourite (perhaps by favourite you mean Sergeant, or something else (see military rankings)). (cutscene)

- The (Anti-Main Character) sends Jim to take care of a matter in the dungeon, torturing people (Eh? Umm.. So our hero just became the antihero. You may want to rework how the tutorial goes - also, the tutorial is JUST happening? You JUST killed a giant, pretty sure people want to play through that.) (tutorial area, basic controls, training dummies for hack and slash, archery and magic)

- When he reaches his destination (at the end of the tutorial - still entirely think you've missed a great opportunity for a tutorial with the giant), he decides the fate of a captive victim. None of the options selected by the gamer will be good for the victim, just graphic, bloody horrible ways for a chess piece to die (This isn't a good thing. Even if you offer 1/10 options as something good, you'll fix this. This isn't going to fly well, nor should you be forcing outcomes onto players) (You've lost me at this point. They're chess pieces? There's great potential here, minus this little tid-bit of information)

- Jim will continue doing things personally for the (Anti-Main Character), and each one will further test his loyalty to the (Anti-Main Character).

He is sent to assassinate (high profile target? is for Tom Clancy - this is sword and magic, fantasy), the mission objective is secrecy, and the death is to appear accidental. The target is asleep, but when Jim sees the man he is about to kill, he stops in his tracks - his brother**.

Knowing that Jim would fail, the (Anti-Main Character) set fire to the village, and the other members of the Kings Fist walk in with the king. (You can't have them order him to the dungeon, this makes absolutely no sense after being sent to assassinate the target) "Kill them both." Player receives an opportunity to react**, or beg for life and allow his brother to be killed, or other options. In the confusion, a decision must be made - to land or blood**.

(To be honest, I'm pretty sure you skipped from point a to point b without much of anything. There's no content between those two points?)


Player chooses certain actions, which can be limited to whatever you'd like, but the main story pursues through this course: Jim hacks his way through the elite guard as he progresses through the castle (why are we in the castle, why can't the character have been sent to another town?). When he reaches the (Anti-Main Character), he is all bloodied and fatigued from the fighting.

Boss fight: Kill the (Anti-Main Character), this encounter will consist of fighting the (Anti-Main Character) and his high council,** which all having different abilities and key mechanics (please note : to this point, you have not introduced much of anything in way of magic learning, sword fighting, or any other massive character development opportunities - you should find a solution to this problem, either in way of more storyline, or further in-depth actions and periods being drawn out through training in mini-games, or however you plan to run the game).

Once the councilmen are slain, the (Anti-Main Character) transforms into "the manifestation of evil" (please, this is overused. Perhaps just a strong boss of his own qualities for once, instead of a transformation that takes him from vulnerable to unable to be overcame).** An ugly, shadowy figure, armed with torture tools (why not just a sword? or magic?). Slay him and you win.

Note: everything marked with ** is subject to change.

I'll be honest, I've kind of gone through the whole thing. I hope the solutions I've posed can be worked in, or at least (if you're trying to keep the game small in production, which I'm getting the idea you are) you see a better direction to take it.

Final Note: I know it seems very generic, and not very exciting, but i'm going to work hard to help the gamer build a relationship with the characters. (Not only is it generic, and on the line of being outright copying of certain concepts (the ramp is certainly Helms Deep), but there's a TON of potential in this. Also, what characters? I know of one. None of the others are even mentioned in the slightest, nor indicated that there is any sort of relationship. I know, Work in Progress).

As I've spent so much time on the above, I'll not say anything regarding the monologue, save these two points - your vocabulary... needs work. Forsaken? You're trying too hard to work in words that are inappropriately used.

And the final point - BRILLIANT production; if it's any indicator of your abilities, I'd say you've got a lot of potential. The music and vocals combination worked really well, and I can imagine being quite excited to start the game following a speech of that caliber.

Good work, keep posting, and keep me updated.


December 15th, 2013, 05:41 AM
Elven! you obviously took your time writing this, so i'm going to show you the same respect and dedication. I'm going to study what you wrote and incorporate as much as i can to it. (although it may take some time) i will update this thread once i make the corrections on my end! thanks for taking the time to write this! now there's no doubt in my mind that i came to the right forum!

Edit: btw, im going to take this concept and plan out a novel that im going to try to write. Unlike the game idea, its gonna be 100% thought out with 120% effort. my game will be based on the story, but i think with the novel, i can get a better visual of what it is that i'm going to do. i posted a thread on the fiction forum, with the first paragraph. someone critiqued it already, but i would also like to get your opinion.

Denis Thornhill

December 15th, 2013, 05:43 AM
Glad to hear it. Pm me once you repost.