PDA

View Full Version : A.04 - The Need to Rush



vcnavega
December 12th, 2013, 04:50 PM
“Are you calmer now? Do you feel all right? You just told me a breathtaking story with such a rational mood, I am intrigued myself. You loved your brother, everyone who we are close to is unique, and yet you described that scene as if you were describing your CPR classes.”
“Come on, please, shed some tears. Why can’t you allow yourself? Let this report of your story become the branches of that tree you were under when you first wrote to me. My heartbeat is already fast and strong – that is what your story did to me. If deep breaths sooth your mind, please, breathe deeply. You don’t need to be rational anymore. Please, allow yourself to feel.”


“I feel, I mean, I am okay now. Breathing deeply always soothes me. But I still have lots to tell. If I stayed here and just cried that image would never vanish. You see, Valter had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. When he wore a green shirt, his eyes turned green; a blue one, blue eyes; gray, brown, a range of colors I can’t describe – and I can’t even remember, because now I have only in my mind that image, his lifeless eyes staring at me. So, please, allow me to continue telling my story, for I had to be strong to fulfill his wishesand deal with a bureaucratic hell.”

“Of course, keep describing what happened next.”


“When he fell, his head bumped into the floor, and some blood came out. I had to get permission from a judge to get his body cremated, and for that I had to get a report from the police, that there wasn’t any violence, that he had died from a heart attack. My elder brother, Sergio, helped me as much as he could, but he ended up just being the driver. I was the one who begged the authorities to be fast - his funeral ceremony in India was set for a very auspicious date, which wasn’t far off.”
“I had to visit the India Consulate too, to get the documentation I needed to enter in India with my brother’s ashes. The consul of India at that time was a good friend of mine, he knew Valter too, and he also gave me a document for me to transit in Italy with my brother’s ashes. Apparently, people sometimes try to smuggle drugs disguised as ashes, so those documents were really important.”
“We had our Christian ceremonies too, most of my relatives were Catholics, or Baptists and they had their opportunity to offer their prayers for my deceased brother.”
“I was the one who informed our brother, Eduardo, who lives in United States; and I was the one who informed Valter’s friends in Italy about his death. In fact, I was the one who brought this news to everyone. I didn’t hear once “I am sorry for your loss”. I just heard people saying ‘It can’t be it’, ‘What am I going to do?’, and I was the one to console them all.”
“Things got even worse when I reached Milan. I was received by a group of his followers. My brother was a well-known astrologer, who gave his life and soul to make people’s lives more bearable. I knew some of them, from my visits to Italy, and they got me a room in a gorgeous hotel. The next day I spoke at the institute where my brother had worked; and then I’d leave for India with four of his friends, who accompanied me to the burial ceremonies.”
“The gathering at the institute was a strong experience for me. I knew those people were desperate, because they depended on my brother’s advice, and now they felt lost. I knew my brother astrological style, I am an astrologer too, but we were very different. He was almost psychic, and I am more technical. I am a brunette, he was blond - we didn’t at all look like brother and sister. My Italian was not that good, but I had to speak to them and bring them some relief. They were expecting the soul of my brother to incorporate on me or something of that kind, and I didn’t want to let them down.”
“Believe it or not, that’s exactlywhat happened. I spoke Italian fluently, people would say their names, and I would recall my brother telling me their life stories, so I gave them advice, reminding them of what my brother had told them before he died. There was no crying, it was a happy celebration, they all seemed to understand he was a too special soul to be entrapped in this world, and I felt my mission in Italy was accomplished. I would be back to Italy on my way back to Brazil, after leaving India, and then I would check if there was something on his stuff worth bringing back home to my mum.”
“I had a huge problem checking his ashes in as my carry-on bag back at the São Paulo airport. So I decided to put them inside my luggage, instead of going through the hell I did in the Brazilian airport. Although I was worried about it the whole flight, nothing happened to them though - they reached Delhi safe and sound.”
“Milan is a gray and cold city. I don’t know how my brother could have lived there for so many years. I’ve never liked Milan, I only tolerated being there because of him, and now I was there without him – well, I had his ashes. I was happy when the plane took off and we headed to my beloved India. Rich people from Italy gave me lots of euros for poor people in India. Now I ask you, unknown addressee, who is the happiest among them?”
“Oh, Italy… io ho tanto da fare per te, per mio fratello...pero è troppo dificile per me stare con te senza lui...” (Oh, Italy...I have so much to do for you, for my brother... but it is too hard for me to be with you without him...)

“I am crying because I will have to face this heritage. He always wanted me to go to Italy to give some courses on Vedic Sciences, but we never had time for that. Now he is gone, he is gone, and Italy doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.”
“Now I lean on my chair in this flight to India. I want to take some rest. People in this flight keep talking in Italian and sometimes one can’t take this strong accent anymore. Sometimes it seems they are fighting, but I know it is just the way it sounds. Leaving Italy is leaving a part of my brother, burying him again. I am burying my brother in pieces – so many people he was.”
“At every step I need to rest, but I don’t rest as I need. Still, here you are, my reader, previously an unknown addressee, but now a companion of this traveler I am, crossing the world to fulfill a vow I didn’t know I had made.”

Olly Buckle
January 5th, 2014, 07:24 PM
1. A.04 - The Need to Rush
“Are you calmer now? Do you feel all right? You just told me a breathtaking story with such a rational mood, I am intrigued myself.

One would be ‘in’ a mood rather than ‘with’ a mood, however you have the teller and the mood at opposite ends of the sentence which makes it look as though it is a ‘story in a rational mood’, not good, may I suggest something along the lines “You calmly told me a rollercoaster of a story. I am intrigued”, no ‘myself’.

You loved your brother, everyone who we are close to is unique, and yet you described that scene as if you were describing your CPR classes.”
“Come on, please, shed some tears. Why can’t you allow yourself? Let this report of your story become the branches of that tree you were under when you first wrote to me. My heartbeat is already fast and strong – that is what your story did to me. If deep breaths sooth your mind, please, breathe deeply. You don’t need to be rational anymore. Please, allow yourself to feel.”

“Let this report of your story become the branches of that tree you were under when you first wrote to me” I don’t understand what you mean by this, in fact this whole paragraph seems a little confused. First it tells me she is unnaturally calm, then that he is excited, then that she should breathe deeply to calm herself, and finally that she does not need to exercise control but should let herself go. I know you have not assigned sexes exactly, I use ‘he’ and ‘she’ to differentiate.


“I feel, I mean, I am okay now. Breathing deeply always soothes me. But I still have lots to tell. If I stayed here and just cried that image would never vanish.

This should be included in the above remarks about sorting out who is feeling and doing what, but remember, ‘but’ is a conjunction, you should not really use it to start a sentence, though it is becoming commoner. Look; “It is okay, I feel, but if I didn’t exercise some control I would simply cry and never move on. The image in my mind would never vanish, and the story not get told”. I think I have expressed my feelings about ‘just’ before.


You see, Valter had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. When he wore a green shirt, his eyes turned green; a blue one, blue eyes; gray, brown, a range of colors I can’t describe – and I can’t even remember, because now I have only in my mind that image, his lifeless eyes staring at me. So, please, allow me to continue telling my story, for I had to be strong to fulfill his wishesand deal with a bureaucratic hell.”

“– and I can’t even remember, because now I have only in my mind that image,” This is false, she described his eyes from memory in the preceding bit; “in my mind that image” seems a very long winded way of saying ‘that memory’; ‘wishes’ comma, space ‘and deal...’

“Of course, keep describing what happened next.”

“keep describing what happened next.” A long way round to say ‘please continue’; or ‘please carry on’ if you don’t want to repeat the word so soon


“When he fell, his head bumped into the floor, and some blood came out.

You are a bit verbose, ‘When he fell he hit his head on the floor and bled.’ I am guessing that this should be followed by ‘This meant ...’


I had to get permission from a judge to get his body cremated, and for that I had to get a report from the police, that there wasn’t any violence, that he had died from a heart attack.

“that there wasn’t any violence, that he had died from a heart attack.”
‘Saying it was a natural death without suspicious circumstances’ sounds more like a policeman, the specific cause would be down to a doctor, and ‘suspicious circumstances; is much more of a ‘catch all’, of the type used by the law.

My elder brother, Sergio, helped me as much as he could, but he ended up just being the driver. I was the one who begged the authorities to be fast - his funeral ceremony in India was set for a very auspicious date, which wasn’t far off.”

‘but he ended up just being the driver’ cut out unnecessary words ‘but ended up being the driver’. To be ‘quick’ rather than ‘fast’. ‘which wasn’t far off’, would that be the same as ‘Not long off’ ? 25% word reduction. (Smile).

“I had to visit the India Consulate too, to get the documentation I needed to enter in India with my brother’s ashes. The consul of India at that time was a good friend of mine, he knew Valter too, and he also gave me a document for me to transit in Italy with my brother’s ashes. Apparently, people sometimes try to smuggle drugs disguised as ashes, so those documents were really important.”

‘the India Consulate too’ as well as what? It was too long ago, simply ‘I had to visit the India Consulate’. ‘enter India’ rather than ‘enter in India’. ‘The consul of India’, this would be the consul of all India, who does not exist, the man you want is ‘the Indian consul’.
“those documents are important.” I know it was then you did it, but they still are important in the now you are telling the story in, and I wouldn’t qualify ‘important’.



“We had our Christian ceremonies too, most of my relatives were Catholics, or Baptists and they had their opportunity to offer their prayers for my deceased brother.”

Not ‘your’ Christian ceremonies, and have they now given up Christianity? ‘We had Christian ceremonies too, most of my relatives are Catholics, or Baptists and ‘it gave them’ their opportunity to offer their prayers.’ I think we can guess who the prayers were for.

“I was the one who informed our brother, Eduardo, who lives in United States; and I was the one who informed Valter’s friends in Italy about his death. In fact, I was the one who brought this news to everyone.

‘In fact I was the one who brought this news to everyone.’ ... ‘In fact, I was the one who ‘carried the’ news to everyone.’ I couldn’t say the way you put it is wrong, we simply say it this way.

I didn’t hear once “I am sorry for your loss”. I just heard people saying ‘It can’t be it’, ‘What am I going to do?’, and I was the one to console them all.”
“Things got even worse when I reached Milan. I was received by a group of his followers. My brother was a well-known astrologer, who gave his life and soul to make people’s lives more bearable. I knew some of them, from my visits to Italy, and they got me a room in a gorgeous hotel.

Women are ‘gorgeous’, hotels more ‘excellent’, or even ‘luxurious’.

The next day I spoke at the institute where my brother had worked; and then I’d leave for India with four of his friends, who accompanied me to the burial ceremonies.”

A ‘tense’ issue here, ‘spoke’ is past, ‘I’d leave’ future, ‘before leaving’ maybe. ‘burial ceremonies’, continuity, he was being cremated, not buried, ‘funeral ceremonies’ maybe, or perhaps unqualified ‘ceremonies’, we can guess it is not a baptism.

“The gathering at the institute was a strong experience for me.

No need to qualify ‘experience’, that, in itself, is ‘strong’.

I knew those people were desperate, because they depended on my brother’s advice, and now they felt lost. I knew my brother astrological style, I am an astrologer too, but we were very different.

“I knew my brother’s astrological style” possessive ‘s

He was almost psychic, and I am more technical. I am a brunette, he was blond - we didn’t at all look like brother and sister. My Italian was not that good, but I had to speak to them and bring them some relief. They were expecting the soul of my brother to incorporate on me or something of that kind, and I didn’t want to let them down.”

‘the soul of my brother to incorporate on me’, this simply does not work, so much so I am at a slight loss what to suggest, “to hear my brother speak through me’, perhaps?

“Believe it or not, that’s exactlywhat happened. I spoke Italian fluently, people would say their names, and I would recall my brother telling me their life stories, so I gave them advice, reminding them of what my brother had told them before he died.

‘exactlywhat’ space. ‘people would say their names, and I would recall’, ‘people said their names, and I recalled’; ‘so I gave them advice’, ‘then I gave them advice’ temporal not causal. ‘reminding them of what’, ‘reminding them what ...’

There was no crying, it was a happy celebration, they all seemed to understand he was a too special soul to be entrapped in this world, and I felt my mission in Italy was accomplished. I would be back to Italy on my way back to Brazil, after leaving India, and then I would check if there was something on his stuff worth bringing back home to my mum.”

‘he was a too special soul’, ‘he was too special a soul’; ‘trapped’, entrapped contains an element of luring; ‘anything in’ his stuff rather than ‘something on’, that would imply it was not ‘of’ his stuff.

“I had a huge problem checking his ashes in as my carry-on bag back at the São Paulo airport. So I decided to put them inside my luggage, instead of going through the hell I did in the Brazilian airport.
Nothing exactly wrong, but it took me a couple of reads to work out, Firstly “I had” at the beginning suggests a carry on from the previous sentence, may I suggest ‘There had been’, then I would call it your ‘cabin luggage’, or possibly ‘in flight bag, and ashes are not so large they would be all of in so ‘with’ or ‘in’ rather than ‘as’, then finish ‘in Brazil’, we know it was at the airport.

Although I was worried about it the whole flight, nothing happened to them though - they reached Delhi safe and sound.”
“Milan is a gray and cold city. I don’t know how my brother could have lived there for so many years. I’ve never liked Milan, I only tolerated being there because of him, and now I was there without him – well, I had his ashes. I was happy when the plane took off and we headed to my beloved India.

I would head ‘for’ rather than ‘to’, I am not sure why.

Rich people from Italy gave me lots of euros for poor people in India. Now I ask you, unknown addressee, who is the happiest among them?”

Only two sorts of people, so ‘of’ them rather than ‘among them’

“Oh, Italy… io ho tanto da fare per te, per mio fratello...pero è troppo dificile per me stare con te senza lui...” (Oh, Italy...I have so much to do for you, for my brother... but it is too hard for me to be with you without him...)

“I am crying because I will have to face this heritage.

Again, nothing exactly wrong, but it sounds foreign, ‘... because this is my future’, maybe.

He always wanted me to go to Italy to give some courses on Vedic Sciences, but we never had time for that. Now he is gone, he is gone, and Italy doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.”

Taking the long haul again, consider, “...and Italy means nothing to me anymore.” There is nothing incorrect about the long way round, and in moderation it gives a flavor, a voice, to the writing, but it is a frequent enough feature of your writing that even if you look and edit for it it will still be there enough for that.

“Now I lean on my chair in this flight to India.

Idiom, ‘leaning on’ implies standing next to and using for support, “Lean on my arm as we walk”. If, when sitting, we relax, it is referred to as ‘leaning back’, so, “Now I leant (past) back in my chair on this flight to India”

I want to take some rest.

Me too, but we are nearly there (Smile)

People in this flight keep talking in Italian and sometimes one can’t take this strong accent anymore.

“People ‘on the’ flight ‘were speaking’ Italian, and sometimes ‘I’ can’t take the accent (or ‘can’t take it anymore’, but both is overegging)

Sometimes it seems they are fighting, but I know it is just the way it sounds.

That’s the second ‘sometimes’, the sentence works well without it, I would leave it off. ‘Though’ rather than ‘but’ I think.

Leaving Italy is leaving a part of my brother, burying him again. I am burying my brother in pieces – so many people he was.”

Firstly he is not buried, he has been cremated, I think you mean, ‘Leaving Italy ‘was’ leaving ‘another’ part of my brother, mourning him again.’ Watch your tenses!
Secondly, and most certainly, you cannot say this:- ‘I am burying my brother in pieces’, it conjures too grisly a literal picture, you are not a Mafioso. I think ‘He was so many people’ is direct, clear and perceptive, don’t gild the lily, ‘so many people he was’ is not normally an English construction.


“At every step I need to rest, but I don’t rest as I need. Still, here you are, my reader, previously an unknown addressee,

No need for ’an’, “previously ‘unknown addressee’” Quotation marks round ‘unknown addressee’ because you are quoting yourself in a previous state of knowledge.

but now a companion of this traveler I am, crossing the world to fulfill a vow I didn’t know I had made.”

‘of this traveller I am’, no need for ‘I am’, it is a bit like ‘I ... myself’. There are several spelling mistakes in this last part, do you not use spell check?

I will leave it to you to edit out the inappropriate quotation marks according to the rules I delineated in the first one, but it needs doing.