PDA

View Full Version : A.03 - You are Surely Qualified



vcnavega
December 11th, 2013, 06:11 PM
“Welcome, my now known reader! Yes, it is you - no doubt it is you! You just want to listen to me, you are not even interested in my offer; you don’t believe I can bring you some relief, even though I know this story might. But I won’t force you. You don’t need to open up, you don’t need to tell me your story if you don’t want to, and I already apologize in advance for the times I will ask about it. How can I not be intrigued? We women always are.”

“I must warn you about another thing before starting telling you my story: I will cry sometimes - well, most of the time. Women cry, you must have noticed that. That is why it would be easier just to forget about myself if you told me about you, but as I said, that is okay, I won’t force you. Another thing I wanted to tell you is that this story is manifold, which prevents me of telling it in a chronological order. It is like a banyan tree, that tree whose branches are so interlaced we can trace its ends its beginnings.”

“I feel comfortable now and ready to start my tale. Are you?”

“Yes, I am. Please, tell me, then, your story.”

“So, here it goes. The first thing I want to tell you happened on the occasion of my mum’s 80th birthday, in August 2010. We had a big family reunion, my brothers who lived abroad came for the celebration and we were all very happy. Valter, who lived in Milan for 22 years, was considering moving back to Brazil and that meant the world to me. Although living in different countries my brother and I were always inseparable. We talked every day, and I often visited him in Italy. We also traveled to India together, at least once a year, and to some countries in South America, once or twice a year. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and we were each other’s secret’s keepers.”
“After my mum’s 80th birthday’s party he decided to spend some time with us. He was a hell of a cook, a gourmet – during the day he and mum enjoyed preparing the most exquisite dishes; and during the night, he and I would talk and laugh.”
“On the morning of September 11th he decided to bake me a carrot cake – my favorite, with chocolate frosting. I was in the room next door and heard him ask mum for a cup of sugar. I hadn’t seen him that morning, just heard his voice, and then ‘pam’ a strong sound that couldn’t be anything other than a body falling on the floor, followed by mum’s scream. I ran and there he was, in the middle of the kitchen.”
“I put my finger on his throat, no pulse. Mum started crying and I yelled to her to call 190, the number we use in Brazil for emergency.”
“When my father died in 1988 I didn’t know the right way to perform CPR, and I blamed myself for having done it all wrong. So, later I got some classes on first aid, and learned to do it right. I placed my brother’s body in the proper position, and started performing CPR. A spurt of vomit was thrown on my face, I thought he was reacting, laid his head to the side, let the vomit go, and continued performing CPR. But he wasn’t reacting, there wasn’t any pulse. Mum kept crying, and I yelled to her to call Sergio, my elder brother who lives here, in Brazil. Paramedics didn’t show up for 20 minutes. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it anymore - you wouldn’t believe how much energy it takes to perform CPR. But I kept at it, I kept looking at his green beautiful eyes, lifeless, and I knew he was dead. I knew it was useless, it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t stop, I had to keep it up until paramedics arrived. Mum’s crying was annoying me - I just wanted her to shut up.”
“When paramedics finally arrived I had a weak moment of hope. I don’t know why we think these people are gods, but they followed the protocol, injected adrenaline, gave him a shock and got him a pulse, a weak one, but got him a pulse. I left my mum with a neighbor and went with my half-dead brother in an ambulance. He was pronounced dead at the hospital next morning, after they tried several procedures on him.”
“You haven’t seen any of my tears yet, have you? I won’t be able to shed them, not until I am back from India. Yes, I went to India to scatter his ashes in a holy river – but had to stop in Italy first, to console his friends.”
“Oh, I feel so tired now. I feel as if I had just performed that CPR again. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve done it for my father, I’ve done it for my brother, and in both occasions there was just me and my mum - she crying and me struggling to keep them alive. Why me? It is a conflicting feeling, because I also feel I was fortunate to be there with them in their last minute on Earth.”
“I had never noticed how my brother resembled my father until that day. I guess dead bodies are all alike. There is no glow in their eyes, their skin is like rubber, and they are so cold. I could even say I witnessed the very moment their souls left their bodies.”
“Oh, I really feel exhausted, now. If you excuse me, I need to give a few breaths and I will be ready to continue to describe this adventure.”

Olly Buckle
December 21st, 2013, 02:17 PM
Read my note about “Quotation marks” in chapter one, you don’t need them at the end of a paragraph if the following one is a continuation of the same person talking; you do need them at the start of the next paragraph. So after ‘we women always are’ is wrong, before ‘I must warn you’ correct.

“Welcome, my now known reader! Yes, it is you - no doubt it is you! You just want to listen to me, you are not even interested in my offer; you don’t believe I can bring you some relief, even though I know this story might. But I won’t force you.

‘Yes, it is you - no doubt it is you!’ dashes are not proper punctuation and usually indicate something could be better, for example. ‘Yes, it is you, I have no doubt it is you!’
Although in recent years I have seen sentences beginning with ‘And’ it still strikes me as wrong to start one with a conjunction, and there is no way to ‘force’ a correspondent into anything. “You don’t believe I can bring you some relief, but even though I know this story might I won’t force the issue.”

You don’t need to open up, you don’t need to tell me your story if you don’t want to, and I already apologize in advance for the times I will ask about it. How can I not be intrigued? We women always are.”

“I must warn you about another thing before starting telling you my story: I will cry sometimes - well, most of the time. Women cry, you must have noticed that. That is why it would be easier just to forget about myself if you told me about you, but as I said, that is okay, I won’t force you (it). Another thing I wanted to tell you is that this story is manifold, which prevents me (of) telling it in a chronological order. It is like a banyan tree, that tree whose branches are so interlaced we can trace its ends its beginnings.”

‘Another thing’ is used twice, it would be good to make the first one ‘something’ and the second ‘another thing’. You do use a lot of words sometimes, I would say ‘starting my story’ or ‘telling my story’, one or the other, and forget ’you’, we know who the listener will be.
‘Manifold’ is a quite correct word, but most people know it as the part that joins the exhausts from the various cylinders of an engine, you might be better off spelling it out for them, ‘This story has many parts which come together, this prevents me telling it in a chronological order’. You do not need ‘of’.
Your last sentence is a bit confused, do you mean ‘that tree whose branches are so interlaced we cannot trace their ends nor their beginnings.”


“I feel comfortable now and ready to start my tale. Are you?”

“Yes, I am. Please, tell me, then, your story.”

Forget ‘then’, ‘Please tell me your story.’

“So, here it goes.

‘So, here goes’, ‘So, here we go’, or ‘So, this is it’. The action comes from the people, the story is inanimate.


The first thing I want to tell you happened on the occasion of my mum’s 80th birthday, in August 2010.

Mostly when your English is correct but you still sound like a foreigner it is because you are using extra words, this is the opposite, ‘The first thing I want to tell you (is what) happened on ...’, though as I say your version is not actually ‘wrong’.
I am not 100% sure on this, but I always capitalise ‘Mum’, as I would Mister in Mister Buckle, it refers to a person, and a very important one at that (Mum, not Mister Buckle, he is a non-entity).

We had a big family reunion, my brothers who lived abroad came for the celebration and we were all very happy.

Do you brothers not still live there? I would also make it a sub clause, ‘My brothers, who live abroad, came for the celebration

Valter, who lived in Milan for 22 years, was considering moving back to Brazil and that meant the world to me. Although living in different countries my brother and I were always inseparable.

‘Has lived in Milan’, again ‘lived in’ makes it sound as though he no longer did.
‘Although living in different countries my brother and I were always inseparable.’ An oxymoron, ‘inseparable’ means, literally, not able to be separated, we use it about people who are always in each other’s company; ‘close’ has a secondary figurative, emotional, meaning, I should use that if I were you.

We talked every day, and I often visited him in Italy. We also traveled (travelled, doubled consonant) to India together, at least once a year, and to some countries in South America, once or twice a year. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and we were each other’s secret’s keepers.”

Doubled possessive apostrophes, Ouch! ‘... and we shared our secrets.’


“After my mum’s 80th birthday’s party he decided to spend some time with us. He was a hell of a cook, a gourmet – during the day he and mum enjoyed preparing the most exquisite dishes; and during the night, he and I would talk and laugh.”
“On the morning of September 11th he decided to bake me a carrot cake – my favorite, (favourite, with ‘u’) with chocolate frosting. I was in the room next door and heard him ask mum for a cup of sugar. I hadn’t seen him that morning, just heard his voice, and then ‘pam’ a (strong, not a good adjective for something as ephemeral as a sound, I would leave it out) sound that couldn’t be anything (other than, but?) a body (falling on, hitting?) the floor, followed by mum’s scream. I ran (‘Through to the kitchen’. If you do not say where you ran we may assume you simply ran away in panic until we read the next bit) and there he was, in the middle of the kitchen.”
“I put my finger on his throat, no pulse. Mum started crying and I yelled to her to call 190, the number we use in Brazil for emergency.”

“The first thing I want to tell you happened on the occasion of my mum’s 80th birthday, in August 2010.” So what happened? Now it is September and you have told us nothing of your mother’s birthday. Continuity error!


“When my father died in 1988 I didn’t know (the right way to, ‘how to’) perform CPR, and I blamed myself for having done it all wrong. So, later I got some classes on first aid, and learned to do it right. I placed my brother’s body in the proper position, and started performing CPR. A spurt of vomit was thrown on my face, I thought he was reacting, laid his head to the side, let the vomit go, and continued performing CPR. But he wasn’t reacting, there wasn’t any pulse. Mum kept crying, and I yelled to her to call Sergio, my elder brother who lives here, in Brazil. Paramedics didn’t show up for 20 minutes. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it anymore - you wouldn’t believe how much energy it takes to perform CPR. But I kept at it, I kept looking at his green beautiful eyes, lifeless, and I knew he was dead. I knew it was useless, it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t stop, I had to keep it up until paramedics arrived. Mum’s crying was annoying me - I just wanted her to shut up.”
“When paramedics finally arrived I had a weak moment of hope. I don’t know why we think these people are gods, but they followed the protocol, injected adrenaline, gave him a shock and got him a pulse, a weak one, but got him a pulse. I left my mum with a (neighbor, neighbour, another missed ‘u’) and went with my half-dead brother in an ambulance. He was pronounced dead at the hospital next morning, after they tried several procedures on him.”

A little more dramatic maybe? “After they had tried all night to save him.” Leve the clinical to the doctors.

“You haven’t seen any of my tears yet, have you? I won’t be able to shed them, not until I am back from India. Yes, I went to India to scatter his ashes in a holy river – but had to stop in Italy first, to console his friends.”

‘I went to India’ is past, so you are back, if you are still there and unable to cry yet, you ‘Came to India’. Is it any old Holy river? Or is it ‘the’ Holy river, The Ganges?

“Oh, I feel so tired now. I feel as if I had just performed that CPR again. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve done it for my father, I’ve done it for my brother, and (in both, ‘on both’) occasions there was just me and my mum –

You used ‘just’ before when you said you had ‘just’ heard his voice. ‘Just’ has so many meanings I usually try and find another word which expresses the meaning more exactly, for example, ‘Recently’, ‘Barely’, ‘Simply’, or in this case ‘Only’. You don’t need the possessive, ‘only me and Mum’ would do, unless you were the Queen when it would be “Only my Mother and I.

she crying and me struggling to keep them alive. Why me? It is a conflicting feeling, because I also feel I was fortunate to be there with them in their last minute on Earth.”
“I had never noticed how my brother resembled my father until that day. I guess dead bodies are all alike. There is no glow in their eyes, their skin is like rubber, and they are so cold. I could even say I witnessed the very moment their souls left their bodies.”
“Oh, I really feel exhausted, now. If you excuse me, I need to give a few breaths and I will be ready to continue to describe this adventure.”

We English are a greedy lot, we ‘take’ breaths, ‘and I will be ready to continue to describe’ awkward, ‘before I continue with this adventure’ would do it, except it is more a narrative than an adventure.

vcnavega
December 23rd, 2013, 01:38 PM
“Welcome, my now known reader! Yes, it is you, no doubt it is you! You just want to listen to me; you are not even interested in my offer. You don’t believe I can bring you some relief, and, even though this story might, I won’t force the issue.

You don’t need to open up, you don’t need to tell me your story if you don’t want to, and I already apologize in advance for the times I will ask about it. How can I not be intrigued? We women always are.

I must warn something before telling my story: I will cry sometimes - well, most of the time. Women cry, you must have noticed that. That is why it would be easier just to forget about myself if you told me about you, but as I said, that is okay, I won’t force it. Another thing you need to know is that this story has many parts which come together, and this prevents me telling it chronologically. It is like a banyan tree, that huge tree whose branches are so interlaced we cannot trace their ends and their beginnings.”

“I feel comfortable now and ready to start my tale. Are you?”

“Yes, I am. Please, tell me your story.”

“So, here goes. The first thing I want to tell you is what happened on the occasion of my Mum’s 80th birthday, in August 2010.We had a big family reunion and my brothers, who have lived abroad, came for the celebration and we were all very happy.

Valter, had lived in Milan for 22 years, but was considering moving back to Brazil and that meant the world to me. Although living in different countries my brother and I were extremely close. We talked every day, and I often visited him in Italy. We also travelled to India together, at least once a year, and to some countries in South America, once or twice a year. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and we were used to sharing our secrets.”

After my Mum’s 80th birthday party he decided to spend some time with us. His intention was to spend at least a month, checking if his moving back to Brazil could work. He was a hell of a cook, a gourmet – during the day he and mum enjoyed preparing the most exquisite dishes; and during the night, he and I would talk and laugh.”

A couple of weeks after Mum’s birthday, on the morning of September 11th Valter decided to bake me a carrot cake – my favourite, with chocolate frosting. I was in the room next door and heard him ask mum for a cup of sugar. I hadn’t seen him that morning, just heard him talking to Mum, and then a strong sound that couldn’t be anything but a body hitting the floor followed by Mum’s scream. I ran to see what had happened and there he was laying on the middle of the kitchen.

I put my finger on his throat, no pulse. Mum started crying and I yelled to her to call 190, the number we use in Brazil for emergency.”
When my father died in 1988 I didn’t know (the right way to, ‘how to’) perform CPR, and I blamed myself for having done it all wrong. So, later I got some classes on first aid, and learned to do it right. I placed my brother’s body in the proper position, and started performing CPR. A spurt of vomit was thrown on my face, I thought he was reacting, laid his head to the side, let the vomit go, and continued performing CPR. But he wasn’t reacting, there wasn’t any pulse. Mum kept crying, and I yelled to her to call Sergio, my elder brother who lives here, in Brazil. Paramedics didn’t show up for 20 minutes. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it anymore - you wouldn’t believe how much energy it takes to perform CPR. But I kept at it, I kept looking at his green beautiful eyes, lifeless, and I knew he was dead. I knew it was useless, it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t stop, I had to keep it up until paramedics arrived. Mum’s crying was annoying me - I just wanted her to shut up.”

When paramedics finally arrived I had a weak moment of hope. I don’t know why we think these people are gods, but they followed the protocol, injected adrenaline, gave him a shock and got him a pulse, a weak one, but got him a pulse. I left my mum with a neighbour and went with my half-dead brother in an ambulance. He was pronounced dead at the hospital early next morning, after they tried the cardiac catheterization on him, even though they knew he had few chances of survival.”
You haven’t seen any of my tears yet, have you? I won’t be able to shed them, not until I am back from India. Yes, I went to India to scatter his ashes in a holy river – but had to stop in Italy first, to console his friends.

Oh, I feel so tired now. I feel as if I had just performed that CPR again. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve done it for my father, I’ve done it for my brother, and (in both, ‘on both’) occasions there was only me and Mum – she crying and me struggling to keep them alive. Why me? It is a conflicting feeling, because I also feel I was fortunate to be there with them in their last minute on Earth.

I had never noticed how my brother resembled my father until that day. I guess dead bodies are all alike. There is no glow in their eyes, their skin is like rubber, and they are so cold. I could even say I witnessed the very moment their souls left their bodies.

Oh, I really feel exhausted, now. If you excuse me, I need to take a few breaths and will continue to tell you what happened next.”

Olly Buckle
December 24th, 2013, 12:14 AM
I already apologize in advance for the times I will ask about it.If you have already done it it is in the past, so it would be 'apologized', however all those parts, 'already', 'in advance', 'for the times, 'will ask about', and the fact that it is no big deal anyway, make me think it would read better simplified. 'I apologize in advance for asking about it'. Having shortened the sentence you could then join it to the very short following sentence. ''I apologize in advance for asking about it, but how could I not be intrigued?'


and to some countries in South America, once or twice a year'Some' has a connotation of 'some, but not other countries' , it appears significant for some reason, 'somewhere' would carry no particular significance.


and there he was laying on the middle of the kitchen. 'in' the middle, not 'on' the middle.


the number we use in Brazil for emergency.” Try to keep the insignificant asides as short as possible 'The Brzilian emergency number', and keep the more wordy passages for the more significant things.

I think 'the' paramedics, because they are the specific ones who came, but I don't think it vital.

You have definitely improved your English since I first reaad you, this is quite nit-picking stuff.
I enjoy looking forward to each chapter as it comes and have avoided the temptation to read ahead so far.

vcnavega
December 24th, 2013, 01:01 PM
“Welcome, my now known reader! Yes, it is you, no doubt it is you! You just want to listen to me; you are not even interested in my offer. You don’t believe I can bring you some relief, and, even though this story might, I won’t force the issue.

You don’t need to open up, you don’t need to tell me your story if you don’t want to. I apologize in advance for asking about it, but how could I not be intrigued? We women always are.

I must warn something before telling my story: I will cry sometimes - well, most of the time. Women cry, you must have noticed it. That is why it would be easier just to forget about myself if you told me about you, but as I said, that is okay, I won’t force it. Another thing you need to know is that this story has many parts which come together, and this prevents me telling it chronologically. It is like a banyan tree, that huge tree whose branches are so interlaced we cannot trace their ends and their beginnings.”

I feel comfortable now and ready to start my tale. Are you?”

“Yes, I am. Please, tell me your story.”

“So, here goes. The first thing I want to tell you is what happened on the occasion of my Mum’s 80th birthday, in August 2010. We had a big family reunion and my brothers, who have lived abroad, came for the celebration and we were all very happy.

Valter, had lived in Milan for 22 years, but was considering moving back to Brazil and that meant the world to me. Although living in different countries my brother and I were extremely close. We talked every day, and I often visited him in Italy. We also travelled to India together, at least once a year, and to other countries in South America, where our guru has temples. Valter was my best friend, my soul mate, and we were used to sharing our secrets.”

After my Mum’s 80th birthday party he decided to spend some time with us. His intention was to spend at least a month, checking if his moving back to Brazil could work. He was a hell of a cook, a gourmet – during the day he and mum enjoyed preparing the most exquisite dishes; and during the night, he and I would talk and laugh.”

A couple of weeks after Mum’s birthday, on the morning of September 11th, Valter decided to bake me a carrot cake – my favourite, with chocolate frosting. I was in the room next door and heard him ask mum for a cup of sugar. I hadn’t seen him that morning, just heard him talking to Mum, and then a strong sound that couldn’t be anything but a body hitting the floor followed by Mum’s scream. I ran to see what had happened and there he was laying in the middle of the kitchen.

I put my finger on his throat, no pulse. Mum started crying and I yelled to her to call the paramedics.

When my father died in 1988 I didn’t know the right way to perform CPR, and I blamed myself for having done it all wrong. So, later I got some classes on first aid, and learned to do it right.

I placed my brother’s body in the proper position, and started performing CPR. A spurt of vomit was thrown on my face, I thought he was reacting, laid his head to the side, let the vomit go, and continued performing CPR. But he wasn’t reacting, there wasn’t any pulse. Mum kept crying, and I yelled to her to call Sergio, my elder brother who lives here, in Brazil. Paramedics didn’t show up for 20 minutes. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it anymore - you wouldn’t believe how much energy it takes to perform CPR. But I kept at it, I kept looking at his green beautiful eyes, lifeless, and I knew he was dead. I knew it was useless, it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t stop, I had to keep it up until paramedics arrived. Mum crying was annoying me - I just wanted her to shut up.

When paramedics finally arrived I had a weak moment of hope. I don’t know why we think these people are gods, but they followed the protocol, injected adrenaline, gave him a shock and got him a pulse, a weak one, but got him a pulse. I left my mum with a neighbour and went with my half-dead brother in an ambulance. He was pronounced dead at the hospital early next morning, after they tried the cardiac catheterization on him, even though they knew he had few chances of survival.

You haven’t seen any of my tears yet, have you? I won’t be able to shed them, not until I am back from India. Yes, I went to India to scatter his ashes in a holy river – but had to stop in Italy first, to console his friends.

Oh, I feel so tired now. I feel as if I had just performed that CPR. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve done it for my father, I’ve done it for my brother, and on both occasions there was only me and Mum – she crying and me struggling to keep them alive. Why me? It is a conflicting feeling, because I also feel I was fortunate to be there with them in their last minute on Earth.

I had never noticed how my brother resembled my father until that day. I guess dead bodies are all alike. There is no glow in their eyes, their skin is like rubber, and they are so cold. I could even say I witnessed the very moment their souls left their bodies.

Oh, I really feel exhausted, now. If you excuse me, I need to take a few breaths and will continue to tell you what happened next.”