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vcnavega
December 11th, 2013, 06:07 PM
“Hey, you! Yes, you! I would like to tell you my story, and I wonder if you would like to hear it. You know there is a difference between this desire I feel to tell you my story and the need of you to hear it, don’t you? Telling my story is a way of giving vent to this heavy burden I carry – but it is also allowing me to share with you my humble and yet rich life experience. Regarding your willingness to hear my story it could be an investment you would be doing with your time and energy. You don’t need to be an objective ear – and I am not searching for empathy either. But in some ways, yes, I need you to be a stranger, because those who know me, supposedly, know my story. Despite that, even for them there are stories to be told.”
“You see, I won’t be able to tell you my story if you don’t understand why I want to do it, otherwise telling my story would be considered by you an unsolicited message, a creepy attempt to approach someone without seeming too weird.”
“I can’t tell you my story yet, because if you didn’t want to hear it, and you rejected me, I could be rude to the point of insulting you, because I’d feel hurt, and sometimes when we are hurt we do things like that.”
“If you said you can’t listen to my story, because life is too short, and you don’t have time for this kind of things, I would disagree. Your life can be short, but mine isn’t. I have a long story to tell to prove what I am saying.”
“I am writing this letter, unknown addressee, while I am seated under a splendid leafy tree. It’s been giving me shelter for some time now, and I feel protected here. Its shadow gives me the feeling I can come here whenever I want, and no-one will ever find me. But I can’t allow it to happen.”
“You see, I have this urge, it is like a volcano - this story is coming out of my mouth like lava, it is burning my speech. I could approach a weak listener, or worse, a good one, and spoil the tale just because of my eagerness to tell it.”
“This is why I am taking my chances by writing this. I need to find someone to hear my story, otherwise I am afraid I won’t be able to tell it anymore, and then this lava will become igneous rock - a hard and bitter rock - and that I don’t want to become.”
“Alas, if only you could be this person I am looking for… I think this story would find a new meaning. If you gave me the chance of telling my story you would consider me normal rather than an unbalanced woman, as some people use to. But for that, you should be willing to hear my story first. Could you be that patient? It is a long story, I told you.”
“I am not telling my story yet - it is too dense and I am too sensitive. I can’t take anymore rejections, no mocking, and especially I can’t take intellectuality.”
“I am writing to an unknown addressee, just browsing around, with the hope this letter falls into the hands of a qualified listener. If this unlikely chance happens, then, and only then, I will tell my story. Please, let me know if you are this person I am writing to.”

Olly Buckle
December 15th, 2013, 11:08 AM
“Hey, you! Yes, you! I would like to tell you my story, and I wonder if you would like to hear it. You know there is a difference between this desire I feel to tell you my story and the need of you to hear it, don’t you? Telling my story is a way of giving vent to this heavy burden I carry – but it is also allowing me to share with you my humble and yet rich life experience. Regarding your willingness to hear my story (comma) it could be an investment (of) your time and energy. You don’t need to be an objective ear – and I am not searching for empathy either. But in some ways, yes, I need you to be a stranger, because those who know me, supposedly, know my story. Despite that, even for them there are stories to be told.” I am unsure why there are quotation marks used, they do not seem appropriate so far, but the convention when a single person carries dialogue over successive paragraphs is to not put the quotation marks at the end of the preceding paragraphs, only the final one.“You see, I won’t be able to tell you my story if you don’t understand why I want to do it, otherwise telling my story would be considered by you an unsolicited message, a creepy attempt to approach someone without seeming too weird.” That is just how you see it, I might see a lost soul reaching out or another blethering whimp, best not go there.“I can’t tell you my story yet, because if you didn’t want to hear it, and you rejected me, I could be rude to the point of insulting you, because I’d feel hurt, and sometimes when we are hurt we do things like that.”
“If you said you can’t listen to my story, because life is too short, and you don’t have time for this kind of things, I would disagree. Your life can be short, but mine isn’t. I have a long story to tell to prove what I am saying.” If I had picked this up in the shop this is about the point where I would put it down again, you have told me you can’t tell me the story yet, hardly captivating, then suggested I may well not like it, after that you threatened to be rude to me, you impute an argument to me that I have not advanced which suggests that it isn’t worth reading and my life may be short; how do you treat your enemies?
I would suggest taking the line that you can not know your reader, the most private of documents may be read by those for which they were not intended, keep it short, you don’t want to bog down the start, but suggest things to be discovered, intriguing mysteries.“I am writing this letter, unknown addressee, while I am you don’t need ‘while I am’ seated under a splendid leafy tree. Commas in a list, it is splendi, and leafy, and a tree It’s been giving me shelter for some time now, and I feel protected here. Its shadow gives me the feeling I can come here whenever I want, and no-one will ever find me. But I can’t allow it to happen.” What can’t you let happen, the feeling, the coming, or the finding?“You see, I have this urge, it is like a volcano Less is more, “You see” “Like” these things weaken, look, “I have an urge like a volcano”, that states it, pins it; that has power, take it the other way and you get “Well, you see, there is this thing which is sort of like an urge, almost like I have to do it, if you know what I mean ...” then carry it on, “the story is erupting from me like hot lava” -this story is coming out of my mouth like lava, This evokes vomiting for me, not your intention I think it is burning my speech. I could approach a weak listener, or worse, a good one, and spoil the tale just because of my eagerness to tell it.”
“This is why I am taking my chances by writing this. Taking a chance and writing this. I need to find someone to hear my story, otherwise I am afraid I won’t be able to tell it anymore, and then this lava will become igneous rock - a hard and bitter rock - and that I don’t want to become.” I need to find an audience, or I won’t be able to tell the story, then lava will become hard, bitter, igneous rock, that I don’t want.” Is less more?“Alas, if only you could be this person I am looking for… I think this story would find a new meaning. If you gave me the chance of telling my story you would consider me normal rather than an unbalanced woman, as some people use to. But for that, you should be willing to hear my story first. Could you be that patient? It is a long story, I told you.” I have no idea if I could be that person, because I still have no incling of what it is, I have read this far, you have had every chance of telling me your story, or at least starting it, maybe you are unbalanced s you suggest and I should stop here.“I am not telling my story yet - it is too dense and I am too sensitive. I can’t take anymore rejections, no mocking, and especially I can’t take intellectuality.”
“I am writing to an unknown addressee, just browsing around, with the hope this letter falls into the hands of a qualified listener. If this unlikely chance happens, then, and only then, I will tell my story. Please, let me know if you are this person I am writing to.” I am sorry if I seemed a bit brutal in places, I do see what you are trying to do, but I really feel you need to get on with it a bit more. You are trying to hook two audiences here, the fictional one you wish to reply to you and the regular readers and all the hook you have given us is that the story is long, it might be boring, and you are not sure if you will tell it to us anyway. TBH that is not much of a hook. The standard beginning tells us ‘who, where, when, and what’ in the first paragraph, you could make more of the who, where and when, and be a bit intriguing about the what. Is it ‘Wild, true, but unlikely to the point where it is almost unbelievable.’? Does it involve the depths and the heights of human passion and the loyalties and betrayals of relationships? Or is it a bit boring and I might not like it? Give us reasons to read, give the unknown one a reason to reply.

vcnavega
December 16th, 2013, 02:15 PM
“Hey, you! Yes, you! I would like to tell you my story, and I wonder if you would like to hear it. You know there is a difference between this desire I feel to tell you my story and the need of you to hear it, don’t you? Telling my story is a way of giving vent to this heavy burden I carry – but it is also allowing me to share with you my humble, and yet rich, life experiences. Regarding your willingness to hear my story, it could be an investment of your time and energy. You could allow yourself to enter in a fantastic world, in which you wouldn’t need to be just an objective ear. You could be an active part of the story.

If you said life is too short, and you don’t have time for this kind of things, I would disagree. Your life can be short, but mine is great, and grandiose.

I am writing this letter, unknown addressee, seated under a splendid, leafy, and gorgeous tree. It’s been giving me shelter for some time now, and I feel protected here. Its shadow gives me the feeling I can come here whenever I want, and no-one will ever find me. But I’ve decided to let this volcano explode, and therefore, this story to be told.

It is because of you that I am telling this story. This volcano is erupting like hot lava, and it is burning my speech. I could approach a weak listener, or worse, a good one, and spoil the tale just because of my eagerness to tell it.

Still, I am taking a chance and writing this. I need to find you – the person to whom this story is meant to be told - or I won’t be able to tell it anymore; and then the lava will become hard, bitter, igneous rock, and that I don’t want to happen to my soul.

It is because of that beautiful scene, this beautiful volcano erupting, that I invite you to know my story. Alas, if only you could be this person I am looking for… I think this story would find a new meaning.

I am not telling my story yet - it is too dense and I am too sensitive. I can’t take anymore rejections, no mocking, and especially I can’t take intellectuality. So, please, don’t come with those. Heart is the instrument through which you would be able to read this story.

I am writing to an unknown addressee, just browsing around, with the hope this letter falls into the hands of a qualified listener. If this unlikely chance happens, then, and only then, I will tell my story. Please, let me know if you are this person I am writing to."

Olly Buckle
December 18th, 2013, 10:40 PM
That is so much better, so much more inviting, now for some nit picking.

and I wonder if you would like to hear it.'Wonder' is often used in a casual sort of a way, s in 'I wonder who will be down the pub tonight?" 'Curious' implies something more, "I shall be curious to see who will be down the pub tonight," said the inspector significantly. It might serve your purpose better, 'and I am curious to know if someone would like to hear it.'

a way of giving vent to this heavy burdenThis is a mixed metaphor, one vents gasses and lays down burdens.

Regarding your willingness to hear my story, it could be an investment of your time and energy. You could allow yourself to enter in a fantastic world, in which you wouldn’t need to be just an objective ear. You could be an active part of the story.I am being kind to myself when I say I am not good at punctuation, but I think the last two sentences should be one, 'your willingness' establishes the ownership, you do not need 'your time' as well, and 'into' rather than 'in', 'Regarding your willingness to hear my story, it could be an investment of time and energy. You could allow yourself to enter into a fantastic world, in which you wouldn’t need to be just an objective ear, you could be an active part of the story.'

don’t have time for this kind of things,Mixing plural and singular, either 'don’t have time for these kind of things', or 'don’t have time for this kind of thing'.

Your life can be short, but mine is great, and grandiose.The yours mine comparison does not really work because you are comparing different things, also life is short, not just can be, that is all life not just his, so I would lose 'Your' at that point, and then compare similar things and bring it in, 'Life is short; yours may be short and mean, but mine is short and grand', something like that. I would avoid 'Grandiose', it has connotations of false splendour.

seated under a splendid, leafy, and gorgeous tree. I would re-order to a 'splendid, gorgeous, leafy tree'. I have no idea why but it sounds right somehow.

This volcano is erupting like hot lava, and it is burning my speechLose unnecessary words where you can, 'This volcano is erupting, hot lava burning my speech'

It is because of that beautiful scene, this beautiful volcano erupting, that I invite you to know my story.Two 'beautifuls' so close is not good, the 'this' and 'that' is a bit strange, nd we know it is volcanoes that erupt.'It is because of this beautiful scene, a magnificent and powerful eruption, that I invite you to know my story.', something like that.

I must move on to the reply, this certainly draws me in far better.

vcnavega
December 19th, 2013, 03:41 PM
“Hey, you! Yes, you! I would like to tell you my story, and I am curious to know if you would like to hear it. You know there is a difference between this desire I feel to tell you my story and the need of you to hear it, don’t you? Telling my story is giving vent to these strong memories I carry for some time as a heavy burden – but it is also allowing me to share with you my humble, and yet rich, life experiences. Regarding your willingness to hear my story, it could be an investment of time and energy. You could allow yourself to enter in a fantastic world, in which you wouldn’t need to be just an objective ear. You could be an active part of the story.

People say “life is short”; yours may be short and mean, but mine is short and grand.

I am writing this letter, unknown addressee, seated under a splendid, gorgeous, and leafy tree. It’s been giving me shelter for some time now, and I feel protected here. Its shadow gives me the feeling I can come here whenever I want, and no-one will ever find me. But I’ve decided to let this volcano burst, and therefore, this story to be told.

It is because of you that I am telling this story. This volcano is erupting, and hot lava is burning my speech. I could approach a weak listener, or worse, a good one, and spoil the tale just because of my eagerness to tell it.

Still, I am taking a chance and writing this. I need to find you – the person to whom this story is meant to be told - or I won’t be able to tell it anymore; and then the lava will become hard, bitter, igneous rock, and that I don’t want to happen to my very soul.
It is because of this beautiful scene - a magnificent and powerful eruption - that I invite you to know my story.Alas, if only you could be this person I am looking for… I think this story would find a new meaning.

I am not telling my story yet - it is too dense and I am too sensitive. I can’t take anymore rejections, no mocking, and especially I can’t take intellectuality. So, please, don’t come with those. Heart is the instrument through which you would be able to read this story.

I am writing to an unknown addressee, just browsing around, with the hope this letter falls into the hands of a qualified listener. If this unlikely chance happens, then, and only then, I will tell my story. Please, let me know if you are this person I am writing to."

Olly Buckle
December 19th, 2013, 10:59 PM
You could allow yourself to enter in a fantastic world 'Enter in' is tautology, saying the same thing twice, after all you can not enter out. So 'You could allow yourself to enter a fantastic world' would be perfectly correct. However one can also 'enter into', as in 'enter into a contract' or 'enter into the game', it implies a wholehearted acceptance of the terms and conditions, so one could 'enter into' a fantasy, meaning you chose to share the belief in it, and presumably a fantastic world, so 'enter' or 'enter into' but not 'enter in'.

vcnavega
December 19th, 2013, 11:23 PM
Dear Mr. Buckle,
"Enter into a..." will be, after all this fantasy is also a game.
Thanks!