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Moonfur37
December 5th, 2013, 11:22 PM
Anyway, I have this short story I wrote when I was like, 11. I'm thinking making a small book out of it? Anyway, if you guys could check it out and suggest that would be great. (Keep in mind I wrote it a while ago.) Here it is, it's called No more room in Hell. (btw I included this pillar thing at the end because the theme had to be citizenship for the teacher.)



It was so hard to remember things from before. Before Hell filled up and the heartless souls and spirits had to go somewhere else. Most people were wrong, they believed it would be a virus or radiation that caused the phenomenon “zombies”. But really it was something much worse, something unfixable. Yes, Hell was full. As strange as it sounds, it was true. It was discovered long ago that when people died their spirits were sent to Limbo and from there it was decided whether you went to Heaven or Hell. It was said that Limbo was an endless plane, stretching on for eternity with black expanses of hills and a flat, gray sky. Hell was a different story. It is to be thought of as a cage, with bars and open gaps. The thing was, if you packed a cage too tightly whatever was inside would squeeze out. Well, eventually the cage got so full that the spirits started slipping out. They would reanimate, or haunt a dead body. Well, people started calling the things Haunts and soon it was a problem. If you took the body of someone who has passed and burned or cremated it, the spirits don’t have a chance to haunt it. They would just wander around in Limbo. People would refuse to burn or decapitate the bodies of their passed loved ones, so more spirits came and took the bodies. But these Haunts weren't just bodies walking around. No, the bodies had to be sustained. These Haunts had no way of telling right from wrong, no brain capacity. So they ate whatever they could find. Unfortunately, the biggest population on Earth beside plants were humans. Soon the world was filled with so many of these Haunts that they overran the military. People became nomadic, and lived in a sort of portable camp. That brings us to Seamus. Seamus was a normal kid, 18 years old and living in one of these camps with his best survivor buddies, Lily (17), Aislin (19) and James (18). They mostly referred to Seamus as Sal, because Seamus was too much to say in certain situations. Currently the group was staked out in an abandoned mall, sitting around the bar having a drink. Well, a soda.
“And it was so weird, ‘cause he sat there giving me this blank stare. I didn’t know if he was gone yet, but I realized soon enough.” Lamented James.
“And then…Well? What did you do?” Aislin persisted. “Come on, don’t just leave us hanging!”
James shuddered. “I did the right thing to do. I put a bullet in his head and burned the body.” All of their expressions changed. They went from a having-a-good-time look to an oh-sorry-I-asked look in a matter of seconds.
Lily rubbed James’ shoulder. “I’m sorry. I know that must’ve been hard for you.” Seamus stood up, looking around.”What is it Sal?” Lily asked.
Seamus sighed.”Nothing. Hey, ya know what? You guys get some sleep. I’ll stand the first watch. My treat.” He raised his glass, and they all followed, toasting and then chugging their soda. Seamus took the empty cup away from his lips. “I’ll wake you up in a couple of hours, alright?” He said, pointing the glass towards James.
“Alright, I’ll try not to get too attached to my dreams.” He joked. They all laughed half-heartedly. After a moment of silence, Trinity stood up.
“Welp, goodnight guys.”She said and walked away. Everyone except Seamus stood up and walked towards their separate department stores. With a sigh, Seamus hefted his trusty M16 into his lap and turned his attention towards the giant glass doors, which were now partially boarded up. The mall is a nice enough place, He thought. It’s just so big. So empty. He saw a flicker of movement outside. His reaction time had gotten better over the years so he immediately lifted his gun to his shoulder and looked down the sights. He slowly stood up.
“Hey, guys. Hey. James! Aislin! Lily! Wake up!” He said in a hushed voice.
“I haven’t had a chance to fall asleep yet idiot.” Aislin retorted.
“Quiet! Just stand up slowly. All of you. Get your weapons.” Woah, that got them up. Within a minute they were all awake and in action mode, though they probably looked funny with their deadly weapons and pajamas on. A shape moved past outside the doors. Then two. Then four. Gods, there were loads of them! The Haunts passed by outside, not noticing the group. Thankfully, the group had taught themselves a form of sign-language, because Seamus made a couple of “ten” motions with all ten fingers, and then made the signs that roughly meant “pack up, we’re leaving.” Everyone hurried quietly back to their stores, packing up their hiking backpacks with everything they could find. Afterall, this was a mall. They filled their packs up with ammo, batteries, tinder, food and bottled water, a couple of solar panels that probably didn’t work, and their normal clothes, coats, umbrellas and small tents.By the time they had all gathered, everyone was fully dressed, weapon in hand and pack on back. Seamus signed to them “Ok. Lets go.” He nodded his head. All of the sudden, a big bang went off farther down the mall, so big that you could feel the tremors throughout your body. Seamus looked at the door. The Haunts knew they were here now. They were banging on the doors, trying to get to dinner. Seamus screamed. “RUN!” He bolted down the mall, the rest of the group not far behind. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the Haunts had broken through the glass, some had even squeezed through the boarding and were stumbling after them. Seamus heard a thud and a moan. He spun around to see James, laying on the ground with his pack beside him. Holding his ankle.
Well thats helpful.” James groaned through clenched teeth.
“Come on! Grab his arms and help him! I’ll hold them back!” Seamus yelled. While the girls ran back and lifted james up (who now put the pack over his shoulder) Seamus pulled up his M16 and fired at the Haunts. He hit a couple in the head, and they dropped to the floor. He kept firing while walking backwards and hit another one in the head and a couple more in the chest. Not enough to kill them, but enough to slow them down. “Hows James?” He shouted over his shoulder.
James groaned. “Oh, I’m doing just great.” Seamus kept firing and taking down Haunts. He shot one in the head, and when it fell down he saw that he had, in fact, hit two. He turned around.
“Did anyone see that? No? Great.”He turned back and continued his rain of bullets. After a while of the same routine, they were at the end. A back door led outside. They squeezed through, and on the wall next to them happened to be a maintenance ladder. Huh. Seamus thought. That’s handy. “Everyone up!” He ordered. James had the hardest time, but he hopped up each rung on one foot, only losing his balance once, but Lily caught him. Seamus was the first up. He got up and turned around to offer his hand to james, but he heard a snarl. He spun back around and stood face-to-face with a haunt. He pushed it back, and held his M16 like a bench press. He rammed into the haunt, and sent it flying over the side of the roof, falling into the horde beneath them. Catching his breath, he looked around. There were a couple of folding hunting chairs laid out, all facing towards a small fold-up table that had cards and a radio on it. Someone else had been here, and Seamus was guessing that the Haunt he just threw off the edge was him. He helped everyone else up, and they sat in the chairs.
“Hey, look!” Aislin said joyfully, pulling on a strap next to her chair. She struggled a little bit, so it must have been heavy. When she hoisted it up, Seamus was feeling better than any other time after Hell filled up. It was a hunting rifle, with a nice-looking scope, too. She handed it to Seamus, and he studied it, smiling like a madman. His day got even better when Aislin said “Oh. And would you look at that.” She scooted aside to show a whole 21-gallon rubbermaid bin filled with ammo. Seamus ran over and gasped.
“Oh my god!” He rejoiced. He reached in his hands and pulled out rounds of M16, rifle bullets and lots of other different types of ammo. He was ecstatic. James looked at Seamus. “Hey, you know what? It’s karma. You guys really helped me out in there. Thanks.” James felt so thankful he couldn't express it enough. He laughed. “Hey, do you guys remember Junior High?” He asked.
“Yes.” Seamus answerd.
“Yes.” Lily followed.
“No.” Aislin said with a bitterness.
“Well anyway, there was this thing that they did at my school, it was called something like ‘Character Counts’ I think.” James laughed again.
“And?” Lily asked. “Where are you going with this?”
“Well,” He said. “I just wanted to say that you guys reminded me of that. You showed great character. Uh, lets see. I think there were, like, columns? Or was it tables? Anyway there were six, and they stood for good character. I’m pretty sure you guys nailed all of ‘em. Hmm… Lets see. There was trustworthiness, and I know we all trust each other pretty darn well now. Then there was respect. Believe me, we have plenty of respect for each other, right?
“Yeah.” They all answered in unison.
“Ok, then it was responsibility. Sal, that was one of the most responsible actions i’ve ever seen. Thanks for waking us up, too.” They all laughed. “Then there was fairness,” He continued. “You guys didn’t leave me behind. You all helped me up. That one’s covered. Next was caring. Need I explain that one?”
“Nah.” They all answered, again, in unison.
“Yeah. And then the sixth one was citizenship. Wow. Guys, I can’t thank you enough.”
“Don’t worry.” Lily replied.
“No problem man.” Seamus said.
“No man left behind.” Aislin added with a smile.
“Ah, well, look at that.” Seamus pointed out. “The suns coming up.” He pointed at the horizon where an orange ball was rising ever so slowly. “Ok. Back to work.” He said with a clap. He strung his M16 over his back, took the rifle and brought a chair to the edge of the flat, concrete roof. He rested the rifle on the chair, pulled over the ammo box, and sat down, resting the gun on his shoulder and pointing the barrel into the horde gathered at the bottom of the ladder. He started firing bullets and didn’t stop until the horde was gone.

Tyler Danann
December 7th, 2013, 05:40 AM
First suggestion would be to include spaces between paragraphs etc.

Jesse
December 9th, 2013, 07:44 PM
I've got to say, that was very impressive for an 11 year old student. I'm kind of surprised a middle school teacher would accept a story with so many "hells" though lol. I really liked the fresh new concept of a zombie apocalypse happening because hell had run out of room for souls. Very clever. I could definitely see a full story or movie coming out of that idea.

A couple pointers I would give is, first, like Tyler said, fix up the formatting a little, adding indentation and paragraph breaks. I'm guessing the formatting changed when you transferred it here, but it isn't too hard to go through and add that stuff. In a forum, formatting can be very important, because a first glance can make a lot of people decide whether or not they want to sit down and read a piece. Nice and neat is just more attractive to the eyes. Another thing I want to point out is that your narrator told the story like it was an actual person, actually telling a story verbally to other people. As in instances like starting sentences with "Well, ...(this happened)" and when you said "She struggled a little bit, so it must have been heavy." Normally, the narrator of a story knows exactly what's going on and what everyone is thinking, so it would know the strap was heavy instead of having to imply it. Sometimes telling a story like it's coming from the mouth of the narrator instead of having the all-knowing narrator can add to a story, but it didn't seem like you really meant it to be that way in this story.

So those are a couple suggestions of things to look for if you decide to go back and touch this up and add to it. I hope you do, because like I said, I enjoy the concept here a lot. I don't know how much time has passed since you wrote it, but regardless, if you keep at this whole writing thing, you'll pick up on a lot of these kinds of little hints and subtleties, and you can go far with it. If you finish up this story, please post it when you're done. I want to read it.

Elvenswordsman
December 9th, 2013, 07:54 PM
It's not your fault moon, when I first submitted to the forum I forgot all about Formatting.

Once it's readable, resubmit it (be sure to mark it as a repost).

Nico
December 27th, 2013, 07:56 PM
I haven't seen a repost, so I assume it's still alright to comment on it here?

Anyway, other than the formatting, the story itself is kind of jumbled, especially at the beginning. Obviously if you were writing it for school, I imagine it must have been more of a short story, but if you choose to make it into something more, you might want to spread out the intro a bit more. For instance, trying only giving the information necessary for the story to make sense up to that point--what the Haunts are (but not necessarily where they came from), and maybe a clue to how people are living. But if you turn it into something more, then there will be plenty of chances to add the other information as it becomes more relevant.
It is awesome though, considering you wrote it at 11. Your sentence structure is pretty good. And I liked the story.

Citizen
January 2nd, 2014, 04:25 PM
I am not sure if I am qualified to comment but you identify the gun as a M16. That is good but I think from then on the reader knows what he is carrying and it does not need to be repeated unless he loses that one and gains another one such as a pump shotgun or some such item. Rifle or gun should work after the first M16. Just my two cents

Citizen