View Full Version : Jim's Star (a snippet)

December 3rd, 2013, 02:37 AM
Forget the bad grammar, countless typos, and ugly punctuation, and tell me what you think of how this snippet flows - what does it make your think about and/or remember from your past (if anything). Thanks!


At the tender age of three, Jim created a star. It was bigger than life itself, and greater than anything he could conceive. It was a star by all means. A star!

Jim sat back and dared himself to make a second star. This time the star would be bigger and better than the first. So he took a red crayon, slid the construction paper close to his body, and began to reproduce the lines. The first step was to draw a line from the bottom of the paper up; it had to be slanted to the right just so far too. A downward line came next, and it had to be angled to the right before the third line, drawn up and angled left, was completed. The next line, Jimís favorite, dashed across the intersections then downward to the initial starting point. Jim was thrilled! Not only had he made one star, but he made two! The second one was as tall as a mountain and as wide as a train.

That timeless scene had never escaped Jimís memory. He recalled it clearly even as an adult. Jim discovered a love of stars. He continually packed his head with all varieties of knowledge about such celestial sparklers. Jim was entranced by them to the point of frenzy. But it wasn't the stars themselves that made him study them with such intensity. His lust was a simple one: to relive that initial astonishment that captivated his childhood - his innocence.

His sole admirer was a beautiful green eye lady with girlish allure. Sadly for Jim, he was blind to her charm due to his frantic study of stars. But the young beauty was not quick in surrender her feelings for Jim. After some time she became bolder in her determination at landing the rigid detective. In the end it was a simple kiss that sparked a passionate love affair. But her tender love did not deter him from his pursuit Ė that childhood lift that sparked the wonder of discovery. Months later they married and soon after a child entered the picture.

Years later, during one cloudless, quiet evening, his now four-year-old daughter walked up to him in enthusiastic play. But Jim, aiming his telescope into the night sky, was oblivious to his daughterís constant tugs. After a moment Jim turned veered his eyes down to his beautiful daughter who looked up at him with a purity that made him nearly tumble back against a lawn chair. Her eyes, those bright, striking eyes rekindled his own childhood experience when he first drew those crayon lines!

Jim had finally found what he endeavored so hard to win back for so long a time. His daughters eyes, reflecting a twinkled highlight from the moon above, made his feel the chastity of a boy's imagination. It was his star! Jim sat heavy onto a swiveled chair, turned it to face his daughter, picked her up gently, and held her close in fatherly bliss. He found the light of his star in the sparkle of his daughters love.

He had found his star, his love, his life.

(this is just a snippet so it ends where it ends)


Badhorses Mare
January 3rd, 2014, 06:36 PM
I am fond of the concept, chasing the childhood innocence. Something I think all people, (willing to admit it or not) spend most of their lives doing so. It has a touch of realism and good fuzzy feels.
Though for some reason I can not put aside the grammar and spelling, sadly. It's essential for truly getting your point/meaning/plot across. But I love it thus far!

January 3rd, 2014, 07:08 PM
Your story flowed, to me, well and it kept me in it.

January 13th, 2014, 02:07 AM
Great story so far.

January 13th, 2014, 03:33 AM
It seems to flow well.

January 31st, 2014, 04:41 AM
Kind of a Cat's in the Cradle feel. The little boy grows up and starts gazing at real stars and loses the magic. The stars of his childhood were all about wonder, innocence, and possibility. He finds that again in his daughter. Love that.

I don't know, the only thing that troubles me is that it seems like the realization was too sudden. Would've been nice if it were more of a gradual thing. Hey, maybe they could draw stars together! Just a thought.