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View Full Version : As above, so below (draft)



Pietro
November 30th, 2013, 12:34 AM
I have absolutely no idea where this is heading; please tell me if it is opening up fine for you.


"Mutual interest is the essence of any contract, and how gratifying it is when this interest is the good of Man! Gentlemen, you shall receive nothing else than pure refinement from our part on all levels; as above so below." A slight nod of respect, a subtle smile of sympathy, and now it is safe to turn one's back to the audience. Five small steps separate him from the door. He takes them fast enough to hide any hesitance and slow enough to hide any hastiness, using his staff not as a compensation for his limp, but rather a privilege of walking steadier than any man ever walked. As the door gently closes behind his back, the smile is still there but not the sympathy. He knows that outside, they are still seated around the conference table, staring with yearning at that plate on the door "Magnus Opus Pharmaceuticals, President and CEO, Karl Sutter". It is with every detail that he plays his great work.

He must play by today's rules. That, he understood after many of yesterday's punishments. Though he was raised in a more ambitious world, he came to realize that: today, that same world has become self-content. All the gold is sealed away, and its value is rewritten in numbers, and recycled in papers. In order to quarry the Delta of the Nile, all he had to do is raise enough money to afford the piece of land in Sah El-Hagar and fly the town's mayor along with the land owner to Brooklyn. His persuasive magic can do the rest; after all, he has been known as the trickster, among a few other attributes. As for the means to achieve this capital, he chose running his own Pharmaceutical Company, given that he had a lifetime and he excelled in the art of interaction and reaction, be it chemical or human. With all the pawns in place, he performed his tour de force, and is ready to sublimate to the next stage.

Karl pours a glass of Aqua Vitae, sits on a brown leather Chesterfield couch and lays a century's tiredness on the right armrest. With his left hand, he keeps a firm handgrip on his staff, planted straight on the parquet. He has actually forgotten how this staff came into his possession: it was earlier than his burdened brain can afford to remember – a strong wooden rod with a pointed extremity, topped by a shiny golden globe that never leaves the palm of Karl’s hand. It is too short to be a walking cane, but after noticing that carrying a sceptre stirs up too much skepticism nowadays, Karl decided to fake a limp and started leaning on it. Setting down behind Brooklyn Bridge, the sun sends the last few rays between sky-scrapers, through his office window, into the wrinkles of his fair face. He takes a sip of Aqua Vitae without wetting his neatly trimmed grey beard, and knocks his scepter thrice on the parquet. At the sound, Atlas and Enoch slither graciously from underneath his desk. His two oldest friends, two python snakes, always wait for him in his dark corner. In an amazingly synchronised fashion, a product of centuries of company, they entwine around his staff, laying their heads gently on the back of his hand. The sun sets; the view pleased him more before the bridge was built.“Hermes.” Karl whispers, as he misses hearing his real name.


(unfinished)


Pietro Kheir

J Anfinson
December 1st, 2013, 03:31 AM
Sorry it took so long to get around to looking at this. As with the other piece I took my pen to, this one has a few tense issues, though not nearly as many as before. I've also separated the text into a couple more paragraphs, as this is how I would have it. I like to start a new paragraph every time I'm bringing up a new subject, though that may just be a personal style thing. As I've said before, overall this is really good considering it's your third language. Great job.

***


"Mutual interest is the essence of any contract, and how gratifying it is when this interest is the good of Man! Gentlemen, you shall receive nothing else than pure refinement from our part on all levels; as above so below." A slight nod of respect, a subtle smile of sympathy, and now it is safe to turn one's back to the audience. Five small steps separate him from the door. He takes them fast enough to hide any hesitance and slow enough to hide any hastiness, using his staff not as a compensation for his limp, but rather a privilege of walking steadier than any man ever walked. As the door gently closes behind his back, the smile is still there but not the sympathy. He knows that outside, they are still seated around the conference table, staring with yearning at that plate on the door "Magnus Opus Pharmaceuticals, President and CEO, Karl Sutter". It is with every detail that he plays his great work.

He must play by today's rules. That, he understood understands after many of yesterday's punishments. Though he was raised in a more ambitious world, he came to realize that: today, that same world has become self-content. All the gold is sealed away, and its value is rewritten in numbers, and recycled in papers. In order to quarry the Delta of the Nile, all he had has to do is raise enough money to afford the piece of land in Sah El-Hagar and fly the town's mayor along with the land owner to Brooklyn. His persuasive magic can do the rest; after all, he has been known as the trickster, among a few other attributes.

As for the means to achieve this capital, he chose running his own Pharmaceutical Company, given that he had a lifetime (a lifetime of what?) and he excelled in the art of interaction and reaction, be it chemical or human. With all the pawns in place, he performed performs his tour de force, and is ready to sublimate to the next stage.

Karl pours a glass of Aqua Vitae, sits on a brown leather Chesterfield couch and lays a century's tiredness on the right armrest. With his left hand, he keeps a firm handgrip on his staff, planted straight on the parquet. He has actually forgotten how this staff came into his possession: it was earlier than his burdened brain can afford to remember – a strong wooden rod with a pointed extremity, topped by a shiny golden globe that never leaves the palm of Karl’s hand. It is too short to be a walking cane, but after noticing that carrying a sceptre stirs up too much skepticism nowadays, Karl decided to fake a limp and started leaning on it.

Setting down behind Brooklyn Bridge, the sun sends the last few rays between sky-scrapers, through his office window, into the wrinkles of his fair face. He takes a sip of Aqua Vitae without wetting his neatly trimmed grey beard, and knocks his scepter thrice on the parquet. At the sound, Atlas and Enoch slither graciously from underneath his desk. His two oldest friends, two python snakes, always wait for him in his dark corner. In an amazingly synchronised fashion, a product of centuries of company, they entwine around his staff, laying their heads gently on the back of his hand. The sun sets; the view pleased him more before the bridge was built.“Hermes.” Karl whispers, as he misses hearing his real name.


(unfinished)


Pietro Kheir

-xXx-
April 26th, 2015, 09:51 PM
"Mutual interest is the essence of any contract, and how gratifying it is when this interest is the good of Man! Gentlemen, you shall receive nothing else than pure refinement from our part on all levels; as above, so below." A slight nod of respect, a subtle smile of sympathy, and now it is safe to turn one's back to the audience. Five small steps separate him from the door. He takes them fast enough to hide any hesitance and slow enough to hide any hastiness, using his staff not as a compensation for his limp, but rather as a privilege of walking steadier than any man ever walked. As the door gently closes behind his back, the smile is still there, but not the sympathy. He knows that outside, they are still seated around the conference table, staring with yearning at that plate on the door "Magnus Opus Pharmaceuticals, President and CEO, Karl Sutter". It is with every detail that he plays his great work.

He must play by today's rules. That, he understands after many of yesterday's punishments. Though he was raised in a more ambitious world, he came to realize that: today, that same world has become self-content. All the gold is sealed away, its value is rewritten in numbers, and recycled in papers. In order to quarry the Delta of the Nile, all he has to do is raise enough money to afford the piece of land in Sah El-Hagar and fly the town's mayor along with the land owner to Brooklyn. His persuasive magic can do the rest; after all, he has been known as the trickster, among a few other attributes. As for the means to achieve this capital, he chose running his own Pharmaceutical Company; given that he had a lifetime to invest and he excelled in the art of interaction and reaction, be it chemical or human. With all the pawns in place, he performs his tour de force, and is ready to sublimate to the next stage.

Karl pours a glass of Aqua Vitae, sits on a brown leather Chesterfield couch and lays a century's tiredness on the right armrest. With his left hand, he keeps a firm grip on his staff, planted straight on the parquet. He has actually forgotten how this staff came into his possession: it was earlier than his burdened brain can afford to remember – a strong wooden rod with a pointed extremity, topped by a shiny golden globe that never leaves the palm of Karl’s hand. It is too short to be a walking cane, but after noticing that carrying a sceptre stirs up too much skepticism nowadays, Karl decided to fake a limp and started leaning on it. Setting down behind Brooklyn Bridge, the sun sends the last few rays between sky-scrapers, through his office window, into the wrinkles of his fair face. He takes a sip of Aqua Vitae without wetting his neatly trimmed grey beard, and knocks his scepter thrice on the parquet. At the sound, Atlas and Enoch slither graciously from underneath his desk. His oldest friends, two python snakes, always wait for him in his dark corner. In an amazingly synchronised fashion, a product of centuries of company, they entwine around his staff, laying their heads gently on the back of his hand. The sun sets; the view pleased him more before the bridge was built. “Hermes.” Karl whispers, as he misses hearing his real name.


(unfinished)


Pietro Kheir

1 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143249-My-dearest-Adriane
2 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143400-Behind-the-Eye
3 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143479-As-above-so-below-(draft)

4 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/144001-She-flew-away
5 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/147658-I-Loathe-the-World-Today-(sequel-to-quot-She-Flew-Away-quot-)
propose new next story:
3a->6[U][COLOR=#0066cc]http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143733-As-above-so-below

paragraph 1
comma to match title
hesitancy vs hesitation...I agree with your choise
rather as a
...still there, but...

paragraph 2
-and
anfinson tense changes
semicolon 2 equal weight clauses
lifetime to invest
anfinson tense change

paragraph 3
anfinson grip
-two

Please consider this as a fabulous part 3.
This was the first piece that I read.
I was confused for a little while when I ran across the other version
after I had read through the pieces you had identified in your thread.
This is fabulous.
Beginning with the presentation and ending with his personal thoughts completes the story.
The revelation of his name at the end is the capstone to a rich pyramid of "context clues".

Love it!
:)