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Euripides
November 27th, 2013, 07:14 PM
Edited version:

I have finally found her.

She sleeps peacefully, her back towards me, a hand tucked childlike under her chin, so blissfully unaware of me standing over her. Rhythmically, her breath moves a strand of hair lying across her slightly parted lips. I reach out to remove the hair, but then I let my hand hover there, feeling the slight heat radiating from her body.

Instead, I lean down and place my face close to the spot where her ear and neck meet. The skin here is thin, pale. I can see the life blood beating beneath. I inhale deeply, opening my mouth to taste her scent more strongly. Ahh…the faint smell of vanilla, the odor of her virginity, is discernible beneath the soaps she uses. I smile, I still have time.

I stand and stare at this woman, this girl…this female, who dreams unburdened. How I wish I could crush the life from her in this moment and be done with it all. She is my downfall, my curse, and my salvation. I must let her live, I must make sure she lives. This time I will succeed. I have been away for too long, been forced to follow her through the ages tied by deed and decree. I am tired. I want to go home.

For now, her life is her own. I leave the same way I entered, the curtains moving at her window in the breezeless night are the only proof I have been there.

Hopscotch
November 27th, 2013, 11:04 PM
Wow really like this - first paragraph sets up me thinking its just a couple. I like the atmoshpere of the piece.

I like his sudden aggresion. Suprising.

very good! Uh - lay - lays - thats my only quibble.

opening his mouth to taste more deeply- like a wine- nice.

i'd by a book if it was a decent story and written this well - and i dnt really like vamps. Not saying he is like - just thought probs.

- - - Updated - - -

Wow really like this - first paragraph sets up me thinking its just a couple. I like the atmoshpere of the piece.

I like his sudden aggresion. Suprising.

very good! Uh - lay - lays - thats my only quibble.

opening his mouth to taste more deeply- like a wine- nice.

i'd by a book if it was a decent story and written this well - and i dnt really like vamps. Not saying he is like - just thought probs.

Euripides
November 28th, 2013, 04:30 AM
Thanks :)

That sentence is awkward for me too....I'm changing it to "Rhythmically, her breath moves a strand of hair lying across her slightly parted lips. "

and adding ", who dreams unburdened." at the end of the "I stand and stare at this woman, this girl…this female. " sentence.....

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks :)

That sentence is awkward for me too....I'm changing it to "Rhythmically, her breath moves a strand of hair lying across her slightly parted lips. "

and adding ", who dreams unburdened." at the end of the "I stand and stare at this woman, this girl…this female. " sentence.....

Roobearrr
February 23rd, 2014, 09:43 PM
I was totally drawn in by this piece. It was beautifully short prologue which i thought was perfect. It formed many questions in my mind to which i hoped would be answered if i were to read the rest of the book. Thumbs up!

dagrar
February 24th, 2014, 12:15 PM
That would suck me into reading the rest of the story. I thought it was a love story at first and may still be. Nice job.

MsPilgrims
February 24th, 2014, 02:02 PM
Nice prologue. It leaves expectations. I'd love to read the rest or the story... I like the pace, the style, the bittersweet feeling following the thoughts of the narrator.

thepancreas11
February 26th, 2014, 02:23 AM
First of all, great progression: starts off slow, almost lovingly; you're about to read this sappy, corny--EXCUSE ME WHAT? Where the hell did that come from? I thought he was going to kiss her. Now he's smelling her. Who is this guy? Yeash. No me gusta. I take it he's a vampire, right? Well, that was the most subtle and terrifying introduction of one of the Fanged I've ever come across.

But that's not the only reason I grovel at your feet. Mercifully short, sweet, and to the point, this is what a prologue should be, what most envy being. I assume the story will pick up with her and her life from this point on? And somewhere down the line, he'll come back into play? Perfect. I find that the more and more I read prologues, the more I realize that they should be their own, open-ended short stories, really. You've got a great opener, a quick climax, and an even faster resolution. It's all wrapped up with a nice red bow.

That being said, starting with that third paragraph, you start to lose me. Mysterious is good. Vague is bad. You've just introduced a whole bunch of stuff all at once and left us hanging. That's like handing us a bomb and saying, "Hold this." Mystery, suspense, tension is about making things happen without the reader knowing it's going to happen, about saying things that have double meanings, or giving them small whiffs and then taking it away. You want to tease the writer down the path, seduce them to read more. Saying things like, "How I wish I could crush the life from her in this moment and be done with it," don't help you. Bring his face down to her neck, open his mouth, and then slowly retract away, thinking, "No, now is not the moment, not quite...." Have him lick his lips, grind his teeth, make him yearn, and the reader will yearn with him. Then rip it away, and you'll rip it away from the reader. Also, I understand that she's pivotal, but that line, "She is my downfall, my curse, and my salvation," has been around the block, my friend. Bring some new flavor. Preferably vanilla...(shiver).

Tbird0000
February 28th, 2014, 08:21 AM
I liked it. Good flow of words and just short but long enough to intrigue.

Reject
February 28th, 2014, 01:06 PM
I would certainly like to read more. The twist in the third paragraph is so well written as to be unexpected. I would be turning pages rapidly were this to be a book in my hand!

bezidentita
March 1st, 2014, 05:51 AM
Two stories in a row about violence in the bedroom, wow, this must be Beat Up On Women Night. Sorry, I had to make light of it. Um, well, nevertheless, I found it a very good read. I'm getting the vampire vibe here. So it makes me wonder ... why? What's the mystery? This is another one that has some very good lead-in potential, and I want to know the story behind it. Why he chosen to let her live. Oh yeah, your use of the word "discernible" ..... that word is usually reserved for someone who is reading something, not watching someone. Other than that, good!

Artemis
March 13th, 2014, 08:01 PM
It kind of has a twilight-y tone to it but with more of a darker undertone to it, I like this, I'd definitely read more if you posted

Elle94
March 14th, 2014, 12:03 AM
I absolutely love the insight you've given us into the mind of such a scary creature. You have taken a monster and you've given him/her the thought process of a human, the first paragraph is so deceptive that it really pulls the reader into a false sense of understanding. Having said that, I do agree with the above comments which suggest that the third paragraph weakens the effect. There is just a little too much info in this section and the prologue would definitely benefit from more ambiguity. Try not to drop so many hints.

Overall though I really like this as a prologue and I hope to see further posts!

ShadowEyes
March 23rd, 2014, 04:40 AM
Some stand-out phrases for me: "the odor of her virginity." I went, "Ewwww," out loud. Which led well into the soul-crushing demise which you later described. I liked the last sentence, and the word "curtains." So far you had only talked about the girl, but now that I know there are curtains, I pictured a moon-lit night, a windowsill, a shadowy figure, the virgin (apparently). It really set the scene. Maybe you would want to lead with this.

(Re-reading: You do have a lot of exposition. I just didn't picture any of it for some reason, maybe because it comes at me so fast. It becomes kind of a slog. The writing is very good, though. I'm thoroughly impressed.)

"Blood," "decree," "ages." Nice language. Your sentences pack a lot of punch. They have a lot of meaning. More is left un-said than said and I'm sure you have a boatload of backstory.

I'm not sure... Is this... a vampire story? If so, that's really cool. I've never been one for the trope-y supernatural scene, but I would definitely read the rest, as long as I took my time.

Grizzly
March 23rd, 2014, 05:58 AM
Cool prologue. I liked it for the most part. The only thing I'd suggest is cutting out at least one of the adverbs. The first paragraph (not counting the opening line) has three adverbs pretty much in a row and I cringed a little bit. The rest of it was a smooth read; I'm curious to see where the story goes.

riven_hands
March 26th, 2014, 01:40 AM
Wow. I'm not sure if I read that or watched it play out on my computer screen in front of me. Your prose is spare but exact, and you expertly painted that scene for the reader. Bravo.

Honestly, I didn't get the vampire vibe from this if that's what you were going for. I was thinking more along the lines of a disgruntled guardian angel or one that fell in love with his/her charge. It works though, regardless of my interpretation of the character, as far as pulling me in and making me want more.

Euripides
October 6th, 2017, 08:10 PM
Sorry to resurrect a VERY old thread, but thank you for the feedback.
Finally starting to put the rest of the story to paper, so to speak.


Love that there was a vampire vibe, even if he's not, since it's kind of what I was going for. Gary Oldman as Count Dracula was in my mind when I wrote that.


Question that has been keeping me from going any further (although I have the story pretty much outlined), is do I start back in the past that led to this moment? Or start in the present and work bits of the past in by flashback?