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Pietro
November 24th, 2013, 12:48 AM
Beneath the skin, behind the eye - break the pillars of your senses, shut the day's mournful cry... verity: there it dances. He hides what his right eye has witnessed behind his black patch. But no matter the efforts, as he looks westwards, he cannot hide Her swimming in the tears of his left eye.


Westward is where his sun has set and eastward is where he still awaits its dawn. But more timely, eastward is the Frachtwal, a German cargo ship. Since his arrival to the Indian ocean in 1992, Somalia was decomposing and vulture ships came to scavenge its territorial waters. Driven by the crudest corporate hypocrisy, refined modern self-consumption, they emptied the waters between Somalia, Madagascar and the Seychelles of fish, giving their toxic waste in return. Samuel pours his last dram of whisky - as good rum is extinct nowadays - while watching his burcad badeed hoist the yards and unfurl the sails. To his crew's bewilderment, Captain Sam held too dearly in the twentieth century to an old sail-ship he dubs Whydah. Nevertheless, after these young Somali fishermen and militiamen accepted to follow a white Englishman, it did not surprise him when they rode along his lunacy in this old relic of a boat. They had no other option but to follow him. With his miraculous sea-lore and dark experience in piracy, Samuel was the only sailor who could help the network of Somali pirates to protect their waters. In return, unconditional obedience was required, and questioning his enigmatic history was forbidden. While they prepared their AK47's and RPG's, he loaded his dueling pistols with powder and looked towards the West again. Holding his breath, Her chants echoed in his head. "Today, we take the Frachtwal, my love" he says.

The closer they drift to the cargo ship, the Sumali chants of the burcad badeed rise, mingled with Qoranic verses. Though zealous they may sound, they are but dissonant to him. For Captain Sam, nothing sings the joys of a raid like Yo! Ho! And a bottle of Rum!Nothing frames this painting like the green of Caribbean waters. He sips the last of the whisky he bought from a Scotsman in Lagan, and it pours down his spine, strangely like a sprinkle of fairy stardust. As the crew of the Frachtwal become alert, he fires attack with his pistol. The RPG's roar, he closes his left eye and he hears cannonballs bombarding. Attack... for better days that have been and gone, for the fortunes of the spaniards and the chests of gold, for the wonders of Tortuga, for his friend Blackbeard, for the real Whydah resting beneath the storms of Cape Code, for Her.

Atargatis looks up towards the surface as flashes of explosions break the hesitant dawn. With the cannonball chorus digging through the ocean's deep, she hears a song: "Today, we take the Frachtwal, my love." Her eyes glitter, her bosom points and her fishtail dances: Samuel Bellamy shall be victorious. As he has stormed the Caribbean centuries ago and found the Elixir to share her eternity, he shall storm the seas to clear them of the black poison and deadly roaring fans so the mermaids can surface again. Black Sam shall be victorious, for he is the pirate that can never die, and in the Indian ocean, he has only begun.


Is it the gold your skin touches? Is it the flags your eye sees? Is it everything you know that stirs the tides and breaks the waves? Could it not be the love of a Pirate and a Mermaid? The day when he unveils his right eye approaches - the eye he only privileges for the site of Atargatis. Because between the noise of warefare, Black Sam has heard a siren's song from the deep: "Beneath the skin, behind the eye - break the pillars of your senses, shut the day's mournful cry... verity: there it dances."



Pietro Kheir

escorial
November 24th, 2013, 01:28 AM
man you have a few different writing styles..this was very gritty and reminded me of Heart of Darkness.. ..enjoyed.

Your New Rival
November 29th, 2013, 10:37 PM
You set a very nice scene. When I imagine pirates and such, I always think of them preparing the boat in the opening. The amount of information you provided at the start worked well to describe the scene and the goal, even though you were obviously restricted to mostly waters, and it worked well. I'd perhaps suggest adding some communication between the crew and the captain, even if it's just an order to better emphasize another aspect of the ship. I only say this because you mention that he owns the Whydah for a long time, so it would seem fitting for there to be a reflection of himself in it. :)

- - - Updated - - -

You set a very nice scene. When I imagine pirates and such, I always think of them preparing the boat in the opening. The amount of information you provided at the start worked well to describe the scene and the goal, even though you were obviously restricted to mostly waters, and it worked well. I'd perhaps suggest adding some communication between the crew and the captain, even if it's just an order to better emphasize another aspect of the ship. I only say this because you mention that he owns the Whydah for a long time, so it would seem fitting for there to be a reflection of himself in it. :)

-xXx-
April 26th, 2015, 08:51 PM
Beneath the skin,
behind the eye -
break the pillars of your senses,
shut the day's mournful cry...
verity: there it dances.

He hides what his right eye has witnessed behind his black patch; but no matter the efforts, as he looks westwards, he cannot hide Her swimming in the tears of his left eye.


Westward is where his sun has set and eastward is where he still awaits its dawn; but more timely, eastward is the Frachtwal, a German cargo ship. Since his arrival to the Indian Ocean in 1992, Somalia was decomposing and vulture ships came to scavenge its territorial waters. Driven by the crudest corporate hypocrisy, refined modern self-consumption, they emptied the waters between Somalia, Madagascar and the Seychelles of fish, giving their toxic waste in return. Samuel pours his last dram of whisky - as good rum is extinct nowadays - while watching his burcad badeed hoist the yards and unfurl the sails. To his twentieth century crew's bewilderment, Captain Sam holds too dearly to an old sail-ship he dubs Whydah. Nevertheless, after these young Somali fishermen and militiamen accepted to follow a white Englishman, it did not surprise him when they rode along his lunacy in this old relic of a boat. They had no other option but to follow him. With his miraculous sea-lore and dark experience in piracy, Samuel was the only sailor who could help the network of Somali pirates to protect their waters. In return, unconditional obedience was required, and questioning his enigmatic history was forbidden. While they prepare their AK47's and RPG's, he loads his dueling pistols with powder and looks towards the West again. Holding his breath, Her chants echo in his head. "Today, we take the Frachtwal, my love," he says.

The closer they drift to the cargo ship, the more the Sumali chants of the burcad badeed rise, mingled with Qoranic verses. Though zealous they may sound, they are but dissonant to him. For Captain Sam, nothing sings the joys of a raid like Yo! Ho! And a bottle of Rum! Nothing frames this painting like the green of Caribbean waters. He sips the last of the whisky he bought from a Scotsman in Lagan, and it pours down his spine, strangely like a sprinkle of fairy stardust. As the crew of the Frachtwal becomes alert, he fires attack with his pistol. The RPG's roar, he closes his left eye and he hears cannonballs bombarding. Attack: for better days that have been and gone, for the fortunes of the Spaniards and the chests of gold, for the wonders of Tortuga, for his friend Blackbeard, for the real Whydah resting beneath the storms of Cape Code, for Her.

Atargatis looks up towards the surface as flashes of explosions break the hesitant dawn. With the cannonball chorus digging through the ocean's deep, she hears a song: "Today, we take the Frachtwal, my love." Her eyes glitter, her bosom points and her fishtail dances: Samuel Bellamy shall be victorious. As he has stormed the Caribbean centuries ago and found the Elixir to share her eternity, he shall storm the seas to clear them of the black poison and deadly roaring fans so the mermaids can surface again. Black Sam shall be victorious, for he is the pirate that can never die, and in the Indian Ocean, he has only begun.


Is it the gold your skin touches? Is it the flags your eye sees? Is it everything you know that stirs the tides and breaks the waves? Could it not be the love of a Pirate and a Mermaid? The day when he will unveil his right eye approaches - the eye he only privileges for the sight of Atargatis. Between the noises of warfare, Black Sam has heard a siren's song from the deep: "Beneath the skin, behind the eye - break the pillars of your senses, shut the day's mournful cry... verity: there it dances."



Pietro Kheir

1 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143249-My-dearest-Adriane
2 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143400-Behind-the-Eye
3 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143479-As-above-so-below-(draft)
4 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/144001-She-flew-away
5 http://www.writingforums.com/threads/147658-I-Loathe-the-World-Today-(sequel-to-quot-She-Flew-Away-quot-)
[/COLOR][/U]
propose new next story:
3a->6[U][COLOR=#0066cc]http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143733-As-above-so-below

paragraph 1
format as opening "verse"
lowercase but & punctuation change

paragraph 2
sundry punctuation changes
twentieth century crew
past tense for crew history, present tense for current action
dialogue punctuation

paragraph 3
...the more the Somali chants...
Lagan vs Laggan across stories
caps for Spaniards
Attack: list

paragraph 4
caps for Ocean
future tense for future action
sight vs site
-because
plural noises
spelling-warfare
italicize verse

I adore beginning and ending with verse.
Just the right amount of detail/specific/development.
Just the right amount of mystery.
Just the right amount of personal engagement with the reader through posed questions.

Elixir, you say. :)

Lanaidra
May 2nd, 2015, 05:24 PM
the story is interesting. The only thing that sticks out negatively for me would be the name choice for the characters. They don't match your chosen setting.