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Funkyjunky
September 18th, 2013, 08:01 PM
Hello guys, this is my attempt at writing a children book, sadly I have no drawing skill so whatever is inside the () is a description of what the picture should look like and whatever's inside the "" is the dialogue. Be as harsh as you can with me. Thanks!

(Leo is playing with his toys on a rug inside his room, a puppy is running around and you can see Leo's mother coming in the door)
"Would you look at yourself Leo?
You can't even see with all that hair!" - Mother
"It's OK mom I don't care." - Leo
"I don't care that you don't care,
We have to cut your hair." - Mother
"But mom! I don't want to cut my hair
it's not fair!." -Leo
"Why not?" - Mother
"My puppy Louie doesn't cut his hair,
why should I cut mine?" - Leo
"Louie's hair falls all over the place,
from your rug to the table and the chair.
So I would say it is fair to cut your hair." - Mother

(By this point they have already left the house, they're walking to the barbershop)
"But mom! I don't want to cut my hair
it's not fair!" - Leo
"Why not?" - Mother
"Girls don't cut their hair,
so why boys have to cut theirs?
They wear it long and with a bit of flair
And now I have to cut my hair and leave it bare."
"But girls have to take a lot of care of their hair
They have to wash it with a special girl shampoo and use conditioner
otherwise their hair goes unruly and stares with a glare!" - Mother (Picture shows a girl having a fight with her own hair, the hair has eyes and they look upset)
(Here they enter the barbershop, a man with a big mustache wearing a white shirt with a striped red and white vest and a hat greets them with scissors in hand. Leo looks upset)
"We're here, are you ready to cut your hair Leo?" - Mother
"SIGHHH, alright... I guess I have no choice." - Leo
"Voila! Magnificent! look at the flair of your short hair!" - Barber
"Hey this isn't so bad... in fact... it does have a bit of flair!" - Leo
"A fair job for a modest fare." - Barber
"I love my short hair!" - Leo

Keep in mind this is supposed to have pictures and be for young readers, which is why it's so short... Welp! I hope you liked it.

Funkyjunky
September 20th, 2013, 12:42 PM
Also I forgot to mention that I am going to make this a bit longer, like in the beginning where Leo is complaining I'll add more comparisons and add something in the ending since it looks so abrupt

The_D_is_silent
December 24th, 2013, 04:22 PM
I really liked the first chunk. It flowed wonderfully. The second part I think needs more work. Especially: "They have to wash it with a special girl shampoo and use conditioner
otherwise their hair goes unruly and stares with a glare!" And "Voila! Magnificent! look at the flair of your short hair!". It just seems to have derailed. I'd love to see it refactored.

amyenewsham
January 12th, 2014, 12:50 AM
I really liked the title of this book - I thought it was original and it made me want to read the text. I think the opening is much stronger, as it flows and you can really imagine the scene. I like the rhyme. I agree with the comment above, I do think that the second part needs more work. Also, I would be careful about stereotyping gender here - this is just an observation, and I might be being a bit PC. I think you need to make Leo more reluctant and a bit more cheeky so the ending is really resolved.