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Trevthemighty
July 5th, 2013, 05:01 PM
Disclaimer. This is the first thing Ive written in years so its not perfect grammatically or otherwise. I really look forward to having this reviewed. I chose the first person as a crutch to be honest so I could describe the emotions from a simple perspective.

The night was hot, the hottest on record in the past 25 years.


That of course was nothing compared to the girl in front of me.
Soft curly brown hair, shoulder length, framing a face the envy of angels.
Her mocha skin looked soft and to top it off she had eyes so brown... how does one describe brown?
I'm not sure, so Ill stop there.
The tears running down her face and the hunted look really didn't detract from her beauty too much. Suffice to say I had a looker on my hands and I knew if I didn't play my cards right I would leave this place alone.
Possibly to her detriment.
The waitress approached from my right side and I glanced quickly at her name tag. It is after all only polite to address people by their names.
"Can I get you both anything", she said, the hint of a drawl entering her crisp voice.
"Please Susan, I need coffee, like the Devil and a stolen kiss."
She looked blankly at me and I smiled.
As aggravating and abrasive as it was, It was a joy in my life to use obscure information I had collected in a lifetime of travels and literature during random conversation.
"Its an old Polish saying for black coffee and three sugars", I explained.
Her knowing nod betrayed the fact she was thinking about how long her night was going to be.
Its ok I told myself, I was always a good tipper, having family in the restaurant business had a way of hitting home in that department.
My companion stayed silent and after a moment of reflection ordered a water.
So like women I thought, keeping it always simple in the things that don't matter and never simple in the things that do.
I returned my attention to my guest.
She numbly scratched at an imperfection in the booth table we currently sat at.
I gave a soft smile, the kind that melts reservations and imbues trust.
The only sign that it worked was a slight flush of her skin and a shift in the seat.
"Tell me", I said slowly, "what brings you into my booth this night?"
See the part of the story I skipped until right now, is how I had this beauty sitting in front of me.
I was new in town, having just been discharged from the Marines, I was eager to explore my surroundings.
Stumbling into this coffee shop without much of a cause was strange and mildly unusual.
I had only just recently taken up coffee drinking as it reminded me too much of life.
Pretty standard all around, it was able to be modified to each persons individual liking, but always left a bitter taste when gone.
Introspectively, this was a new way to look at my proverbial glass.
The military leaves its mark on you and I don't mean that just by the haircuts.
If you've ever wondered what its like, just try sitting still for twenty minutes.
Don't shuffle or shift your weight, then add another twenty minuets to that.
Two hours pass by and your still sitting, that only scratches the surface of the amount of patience one needs to develop in order to survive one single day.
If you're still with me I tend to monologue internally, since most people find talking out loud to ones self disturbing.
It keeps me sharp and has never let me down in the past.
Minds are incredible the rates at which they can process information is vast and... there I go on another tangent.
What it comes down to, is, I need to let my mind run through possible outcomes to keep 3 steps ahead of people.
This lady in front of me looks like she could use a lesson in this department.
Her eyes kept dancing to the door, which was in front of her and a little to the left.
"I'm scared", she whispered.
I nodded and waited for her to continue on the train of thought.
Before she could answer, I stood up and motioned for us to switch seats.
It seemed obvious to me that what she was doing in the coffee shop might be better supported by the slight anonymity that having ones back to the door might provide.
She slowly stood and it was then that I noticed the state of her clothing.
The shorts she wore, while not in the category of short shorts, did nothing to conceal the scrapes to both knees, or the apple size bruise forming on her left leg just about midway up from the knee.
A slight ridge kept it from having any one shape, so defining how it happened remained elusive.
She slithered into the chair i had previously occupied and shivered despite the temperature controlled room.
"Let me guess", I said holding up my hand.
"You're running from someone." The cliche way I said it had me inwardly rolling my eyes. Leave it to me to novelize a situation.
She nodded slowly and before I could ask who or what, the door opened and in walked a man. Giant wouldn't exactly be the word for him, but very tall.
Id peg him about six foot five and roughly two hundred and sixty pounds.
The tank top he wore showed a good amount of his free time was spent in the gym.
His eyes glanced around and the snarl he wore on his face kept the waitress from asking if he wanted a booth or a table.
I met his gaze and stared back blankly.
Sadly I didn't quite pick up on the situation and it caused him to walk over to where I was. My stomach sank, I wasn't looking for confrontation.
This sadly was the only thing on his mind when he noticed my brown eyed companion.
"Ryleigh, you bitch. Get your ass out to the car",he growled, emphatically grabbing her shoulder.
The wince she responded with was born of the strength of his grasp.
Time seemed to freeze for me.
I was living the lifetime between the seconds on the watch.
I could step in.
While not nearly as tall as he was, my five foot eight two hundred and ten pound frame was fairly sturdy and I knew how to use it to my advantage; however, that depended on his skill set.
With his reach and weight advantage, confrontation could and in all reality would end badly for me.
I had a decision.
Do I step in, do I remain neutral, or hell do I offer the man my seat and say goodbye?
What should I do?
I'm not a cop, but I understand a lot of the legal ramifications of a fight and being a new civilian I didn't want assault on my record.
I read one time that we as humans need to do not necessarily the right thing, but what we can live with.
Could I live with standing up and leaving?
I could probably save myself some expensive dental work.
I don't owe her anything.
Hard choices.
All I wanted was a reprieve from the night heat as I caught my bearings, now I'm stuck with an ethical dilemma.
I choose to do not only what I can live with, but what I have it in my power to do.
"Friend", I said hoping my voice didn't sound as mousy as I felt.
"I don't think that's an option."
He looked at me as if my own death warrant was signed.
"I don't quite remember asking for your opinion-", he was cut short by Ryleigh stomping on his foot.
A bellow came forth and he winded back for a right hook.
I did the only thing that made sense, I grabbed the cup of water and swiped it at his face.
The bottom of the glass hit the bridge of his nose.
His hands immediately went to his face as tears came to his eyes.
Since I was already low to the ground, I slid partly out of the booth and pulled his right leg up towards the ceiling, depositing all two hundred plus pounds of him onto the floor.
I stood up fully, then dropped both of my knees into his solar plexus.
In between squirts of his vomit, I rolled him over and prepared to go for a jujitsu hold, when the sky exploded into millions of stars.
I hadn't noticed the figure coming up behind me.
First rule of warfare is to be mindful of your environment.
I must have been rusty because I hadn't noticed a brick house of a man walk up behind me and clock my head.
Had I not been moving downward already I would have been out cold, of that I had no doubt.
I crawled away realizing my dignity was long gone, when two powerful hands grabbed my ankles and yanked.
Moments later a heavy, but sharp pain shot through my back and I realized he was stomping on me. Training kicked in, I got into the fetal position and took one more blow.
The man was untrained, but incredibly strong.
I knew paralysis was his intended prize.
He reared back his foot.
I hoped that I wasn't so delusional, I was miss-timing it.
As his foot came down I twisted, grabbed his ankle, and pushed it up towards the ceiling to off balance him.
As I did so, he hopped and I used his leg to support me as I put my left elbow against his upper leg and pushed.
Losing his balance and he fell face first into the ground with a thud.
Violently twitching once, the man stood.
I could see he was in pain, the two front teeth were hanging by a nerve and his nose was crumpled. Blood was everywhere.
"You can leave now", I said almost pleading.
"We don't have to do this!"
His answer was a lurch forward.
My luck held out.
He couldn't see, so as he moved towards me he accidentally kicked his friends face and tripped.
I was tempted to shout "timber", but I was no better off than he with all the stars I was seeing.
He fell much harder than the last time.
His head connected with the table, the bench, and the floor in that order.
There was no movement from him, and his buddy was cradling his stomach and face so I assumed the fight was over.
Lucky me the Police arrive.
I'm put in handcuffs and escorted to the car.
A glimmer of hope enters my mind when they start talking to the girl.
After a moment of thought, the hope fades.
If she was abused she might want to get away, but she might also sell me out to get in good with her boyfriend.
I hoped she didn't screw me...well... never mind.
After stewing for a moment, an ambulance arrived and I watched as they escorted both men out of the cafe.
I was surprised with myself.
I was a bad-ass, but reality set in.
I realized if I hadn't been lucky it would be me on the stretcher.
An EMT came out to me, did the little flashlight in the eyes and how many fingers am I holding up deal, satisfied I didn't have any issues he went about his other business.
The cop came out after a short while.
"I spoke to the witnesses and everyone said the guy tripped."
He smiled. "No one even noticed you. I guess you're free to go."
I looked at him and shrugged. "Ok sir, sounds good to me."
I wasn't going to argue. There was a throbbing in my head and I knew tomorrow would be an adventure getting out of bed.
I took pause at the sad girl sitting on the seat of the booth.
She looked so lost and I wasn't really going anywhere.
Maybe I should invite her back to my motel room.
"Yeah", I said aloud to no one in particular.
I walked back in, letting the cool air of the room caress my sweaty brow.
"Listen I said pulling up a chair.
"I know you don't know me or anything, but I was wondering if you had a place to go tonight. Im staying at the motel up the street and there's an extra bed."
I don't know why, but I held my breath.
She nodded sheepishly.
"Id like that", was all she said.
Not too chatty and I can live with that.
"Well Ms. Ryleigh, let us be on our way." I knew I was a classy guy.
I settled the bill and we walked slowly down the street.
There was something nagging at the back of my head.
I couldn't remember what it could be.
It was the same feeling you get when you forget something important.
I shrugged my shoulders.
Must not be important or I would have remembered it by now.
Probably my battered brain playing tricks on me.

Little did I know how that one little thing would hound me in the weeks to come.

mukesh
July 11th, 2013, 08:56 PM
If you could post in pages then it would be easy to read and understand the plot, but has a nice beginning and please re post in pages.

bazz cargo
July 28th, 2013, 01:51 PM
Hi Trev,
not bad for someone with a fair amount of rust.
One of the better fight scenes I have read. Interesting characters. Intriguing questions left hanging. Good descriptions. Terrible SPaG. Never-mind, the tech stuff can be learned, the imagination is solid.

I suggest you try a flash of, say 500 words. That way the errors can be highlighted with greater ease and you can get a feel for what needs working on.

This is worth working on.
Ta for the share
Bazz

Lucifer
August 7th, 2013, 12:21 AM
hey just read it through had given my a real noir sense, like a Sin City-esqe type deal. although i would take the others suggestion but I would first proof read it. the story was solid and flowed well decent grammar but I couldn't "get" the fight scenes they felt unrealistic and was hard to see. also try using a wider vernacular to describe things EG. "...I slid partly out of the booth and pulled his right leg up towards the ceiling,..." and "...and pushed it up towards the ceiling to off balance him..." are right by each other and are seemingly unfathomable. i suggest watching Bass Rutten's Lethal Self Defense video not only is it informative it is also hilarious. This will give you a strong understanding of using ones surrounding in battle, not to mention the mechanics behind using ones own body and momentum against ones foe. anywho that's really my only suggestions in my humble opinion. good work keep writing!

Monsus
August 8th, 2013, 02:21 AM
I like your story. It is easy to read and kept me interested. I have a couple of things to add though:

The place where you mentioned that until then you had not said why the girl is sitting next to him. I was left with the impression that this is what you are going to write about after this point but you don't. You started describing his life. And even at the end I had no idea why she is there and sitting next to him and not someone else. How did they meet?

Another thing, he seems a bit too unconfident for someone who has been in the Marines up until then and has beem through extensive fighting training. And he is surprised that he managed to beat too untrained guys?