View Full Version : First Chapter of Rebirth

July 1st, 2013, 08:40 PM
Hey I am 15 and I am trying to write a novel. I want to show you the first chapter to it and ask for any problems or issues in it. It was written less than ten minutes ago. Thanks for reading it.

Chapter One – Two Years
Alyssa threw back her long white hair. It was a purewhite color, and it was surprisingly all natural. She was tired fromall the running she had to do in the past week. Her clothes were tornin multiple places. She wore a white t-shirt without anything writtenon it. She wore some blue jeans with multiple rips and tears. Overthe last week she ran through multiple environments: forests,beaches, urban cities, train yards, and abandoned towns. She moved atleast a hundred miles so far and all by foot.
She flung her hair down and turned on a faucet and warmwater came rushing out. She washed her hair thoroughly. It was thefirst time in what seemed like years. No one walked into the restroomas she was there. She threw her hair back again and water dripped toher feet. She cupped her hands under the flowing water and threw iton her face. Little remnants of make-up ran down her face, she wipedit off with her shirt. One thing she learned through this situation:Do not care about your looks.
Many people tried to help her when seeing her tornclothing, but she did not want to endanger them, she couldn't risktheir life. Many times she almost got shot as she ran. It was somebulky man who is chasing her. He was bald and was probably around hisearly twenties. He was relentless and a fairly good shot. She hasgotten lucky each time though. No one saw him and her in any of theirconfrontations and did not hear the gun shots. They were very silentand there was practically no sound at all. The bullet whizzed pasther every single time. She recalls her first encounter with him.

She was in her room on the computer talking to two ofher friends by web cam. She talked with them regularly. But they bothwere over in New York City fora trip with their school. She was all the way inTexas at the time. They were having a normal conversation with oneanother about their trip. She wish she was able to come with them.Suddenly while the girls were talking with one another the powersuddenly went out. Alyssa quickly stood up, taken back with thesudden power outage. Power outages are so rare in this day in agethat if one happens, you are recommended to get armed. And Alyssa didso. She opened her drawer and threw out multiple objects looking forher knife. She couldn't find it. Then she opened her cupboard andsitting right there was her knife. She pulled it out and flicked herwrist and the knife flung out and locked. She turned around and wasstunned.
Her father came into the room. He was stumbling. He hada gun to his back she realized as a man came in directly behind him.Alyssa clutched the knife harder, not letting it moved from hergrasp. “Alyssa.” The man said. He was bald and with black eyes.“Come with me, or I will have to shoot him.” He said simply.Alyssa was afraid and desperate. She slowly got up and forappearance, she loosened her grip from her knife.
“Why do you need me?” She said, portraying aninnocent voice, but yet, genuinely worried. She felt adrenalinepumping throughout her whole body.
“That is classified. I was just told to get you aliveat any means necessary. There is no need for any people getting hurthere.” He said. She saw his eyes were looking at the knife in herhand.
“Will you leave my family alone?” She asked, fakeinnocence in her voice, she knew what she would do.
“Yes.” He said simply.
“Fine.” She said. Her father opened his mouth toprotest but he couldn't find the words. Alyssa came up to the man shesaw him move the gun away from her father's back. Alyssa was intaekwondo for five years. She came up to him and quickly kicked himin the chest all of a sudden. He doubled over but did not move back.He tried to look up at her but she kicked him in the head. She jabbedher knife at him but he was already fighting back. He grabbed herwrist and pushed it back. Her hand trembled and she was forced to letgo from the knife. It fell from her hand. He aimed the gun at her buther father grabbed the gun from his hand and he instantly let go ofher hand. She staggered and went to grab the knife.
Her father aimed the gun at the man and mouthed theword run. Alyssa was so scared, she felt a need to. She ran throughher room's open door and out into the hallway.She started to run down the staircase. As soon as she got to thebottom she heard a silent gunshot. It was loud, but no one fromoutside would hear it. She looked up and saw the man looming overher. He aimed his gun at her. She began to run. He fired and thebullet went slightly in front of her face. Her house door was wideopen from the man coming in. She ran outside and fell to her knees.She looked behind her and heard loud footsteps. She got to her feetand began to run

Tears formed into her eyes. She took a deep breath andfelt the knife in her pocket. She took it out and stared at it. Thenshe put it back. She went to the hand dryer and turned it on. She hadit dry her hair off. Once done she turned and went to walk throughthe restrooms door.
She walked out and continued out ofthe restaurant. People were looking at her wondering what hashappened to her. She could feel their glares upon her. She did noteven glance at not a single one of them. She moved outside of therestaurant's door and instantly saw him. He was walking toward heracross the street. She turned to her left and began to ran. Hefollowed her in hot pursuit. She turned her head to glance behindher. She saw the bullet fire and it hit her directly in the back ofthe spine. She fell down as she felt a sudden shock hit her. He shota tranquilizer bullet at her! The plastic bullet had bounced off herbut it sent so much electricity throughout her whole body that shebegan to have her vision blur. She could barely move. She turned asher body convulsed and shook violently. The man loomed over her.
“You have been quite the trouble, Faye.”
“I promise you.” She said in stuttering bursts, shecould not even make out facial features. “I will kill you.” Shewas able to mutter out before her eyes shut down and she went into adeep, dark sleep. The man nodded to it. He sighed.
“Alpha.” He began. “You better do good for us.”He said to himself.

July 1st, 2013, 09:28 PM
If you are trying to write a novel, I would advise you to avoid trying to get feedback on your work until it is 1) done or 2) substantial in such a way that you are certain and secure of what it exactly is and where you are going. Write with the door closed, as Stephen King advises.

July 1st, 2013, 09:54 PM
It's not bad, but needs work. There are many tense issues, and you've got words stuck together. Also, it isn't formatted for us to be able to read it very well, so consider editing it and putting some space in between your paragraphs. Also, you have a stray smiley in there for some reason, which I liked. :)

How do you see this scene relating to the overall novel that you're hoping to write? What is the overarching premise?