PDA

View Full Version : Happy Anniversary



tinacrabapple
June 18th, 2013, 02:02 AM
deleted

Strangedays410
June 18th, 2013, 02:09 PM
I love this one too, Ms. Crabapple--but then I'm a big fan of writing about marital tension:). I always like the wife's honesty in these scenes, and that they're both so matter-of-fact with their nastiness. Please write another one!

Some critiques (nit-picks):

--The first three sentences beginning with the word It. Personally, I'd choose and between the first two.
--In the line It always hit her hard, is that referring to the anniversary, or the the fact that she hadn't heard from her online boyfriend...or both? Either way, I'd probably start a new paragraph for that line--it would make the previous line hit harder, too.

I know you say that English isn't your first language, but I'd have never guessed that. Maybe that's what makes your writing stand out to me though; it has a certain stark cheekiness that I enjoy thoroughly:). What is your primary language, if I may ask?

tinacrabapple
June 18th, 2013, 03:09 PM
Italian

Strangedays410
June 18th, 2013, 03:16 PM
That would make sense. Beautiful language.

tinacrabapple
June 18th, 2013, 03:55 PM
What do you mean that would make sense?

Pandora
June 18th, 2013, 04:07 PM
I'm glad it's fiction and it still gave a pang, means good writing. I always wish for happily ever after, silly me I know.

Strangedays410
June 18th, 2013, 04:24 PM
Italian sounds pretty to me, particularly as far as rhythm. In that other bit you wrote, one of the things that grabbed me (in addition to the mundane-yet-oddly-compelling imagery) was the music of the lines. It was weird to hear you say that you don't write much, as it sounded like you knew exactly what you were doing in that passage. Just a crude speculation, but maybe Italian just sounds good in English. Or maybe you just have good, raw talent. Anyhow, I wondered if there was a connection there; Italian is a Romance language after all:).

tinacrabapple
June 18th, 2013, 05:05 PM
Thanks for reading. This was rushed as I didn't edit it. I will honestly tell you I highly doubt there is any talent, it is just a hobby. Thanks for reading.

Strangedays410
June 18th, 2013, 05:23 PM
Well, again, maybe I'm just easily amused. I think you should keep at it though.

tinacrabapple
June 20th, 2013, 02:44 AM
Thanks for reading! I appreciate people's comments.

tinacrabapple
June 20th, 2013, 03:15 AM
Here's a revision:

It was 5 o’clock. Time to straighten out the house and get the dinner going. There would be no more time to think about how she’d handle the rejection. She had not heard from her on-line boyfriend, even though, she had messaged him twice and she knew he had been on the forum several times. Would she ignore him or drink and write him a sappy love note after dinner? The situation made her appear irrationally moody upon her husband’s entrance into the house.

When her husband came through the garage and their son ran to his father like a little bouncing angel, “Daddy! Daddy!” she was able to muster a smile and make eye contact. “How was your day?” She muttered as she looked up from the cutting board and saw him standing there with a bouquet of flowers. She narrowed her eyes and said, “What is that for?” He put them on the counter and said, “Happy Anniversary!”
“Oh, Really? I thought we had already taken care of this with our celebration of Father’s Day.” All these damn extra June events! As if the daily grind wasn’t enough, these extra parties were a pain to plan.
Zoning out as she was still trying to get herself composed, she impulsively asked, “How many years?” He ignored her, sore at her for being so impossible. She pulled off her wedding ring and looked at the year. “Twelve years! That’s a long time!” to be in hell. And she slipped the ring back on her finger snickering.

Strangedays410
June 20th, 2013, 04:13 AM
This couple certainly has an interesting dynamic going. I don't know too much about the he character yet, but she sounds interesting--a certain calm cynicism that, to me, is as unnerving as it is fascinating. Nice edit. That other scene is my favorite though--where he tells her she is vile, and she acts like that's just a normal thing to say. Lol.

TheJungleDrummer
June 21st, 2013, 04:25 AM
I liked this. You have created a real sense of her boredom and of his disappointment. The revised version is much sharper too. What happens next?

tinacrabapple
June 23rd, 2013, 03:42 AM
She finds her Bible and gets pregnant.

Jolling Gypsy
June 24th, 2013, 08:13 AM
... hopefully only after she had a fling with her on-line boyfriend to realise that marriage and whatever comes with it isn’t that bad after all! LOL The edited version is beautiful!!!

tinacrabapple
June 24th, 2013, 10:01 PM
Not if her on-line boyfriend will not talk to her! Haha! Thanks for reading the edited version.

Strangedays410
June 26th, 2013, 02:59 AM
She had not heard from her on-line boyfriend, even though, she had messaged him twice and she knew he had been on the forum several times.

That's that dry, cheeky stuff I was talking about last week. As I read some of your lines, I always wonder if you know they are funny as you write them--if it's all done on purpose. It seems so.

tinacrabapple
June 26th, 2013, 01:33 PM
HELLLLLO! It's Jersey sarcasm- Come on! And yes, everything I write is deliberate-all writers do this.

Strangedays410
June 26th, 2013, 02:25 PM
That East Coast straight-shooting--I've missed it sorely, the past thirteen years. I accept your response, and humbly retract my statement. That was my bad. To be fair though, Ms. Crabapple, two weeks ago, I was insisting that you were a skilled writer, deliberate and confident, and you were claiming to be just now learning to hold a pen properly. Still trying to calibrate my compass. Jersey-girl snap wit sounds about right though; I'm a big fan:).

Respectfully,
Miles

Bradley
July 2nd, 2013, 01:46 AM
She finds her Bible and gets pregnant.

You're raw.

mlcampbell
July 10th, 2013, 10:42 PM
Her online relationship is idealistic while her relationship with her husband is real. Is that what you intended? I love the duality. It's such a human thing to do.

There are some grammatical errors and some strange syntax.
"She had not heard from her on-line boyfriend, even though, she had messaged him twice..." I would re-write this. "Though she had messaged him twice, NAME? had not heard from her online boyfriend since lunch time." That's just an idea.
"When her husband came through the garage and their son ran to his father like a little bouncing angel, “Daddy! Daddy!” she was able to muster a smile and make eye contact." I'd re-write this too. "Name? came through the garage. Their 6-year-old son, Name?, bounced over to him like a bubbly angel yelling, "Daddy! Daddy!" When Name? made eye contact, she was able to muster a smile."

Also, a general rule in writing is to start a new paragraph when someone else starts talking.

The story itself is intriguing. I'm left wondering how their marriage became this way. I'm new to the forum, so if you've posted snips of a story, I apologize for not reading any prior to this. This would be a great introduction to a novel. It leaves the reader asking questions in a short amount of time, which is what a good first chapter of a book does.