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Meego
June 14th, 2013, 06:28 PM
Chapter 1

"I'm sorry I missed your birthday party, Shelia." Molly apologized as a greeting. She grabbed a hold of my backpack to slow me down. She pulled her hand from behind her and handed me a small bag with spiraled multicolored string on the handles; it was very festive for a birthday gift. "My parents cruise was ill-timed, huh? I can't believe I had to leave for the cruise the day before your party!"

"At least you got out of school for a week." I teased to make her feel better and me feel normal. I held the gift in my hand as I noticed Molly's excitement was barely containable. "You want me to open it now?" I offered. She nodded repeatedly, as if she would tell me the gift if she dared to speak. A smile grew large on my face as Molly was always the person who made me feel normal again, even if she didn't know it. Inside was black folded cloth. I pulled it out and watched it unfurl. Lace of a beaded design was on the trims of a black camisole. I nearly puked. "Look forward to your gift tonight," the words of my step-father replayed in my head. Black beaded lace... "Thank you, Molly." I squeezed out.

She caught my reaction and blathered, "Shelia, are you alright? I thought you would like it cause you are always saying how much you like beaded lace and how much more you like it compared to others types, like, uh. I, honestly, can't tell much difference between lace but you have always really enjoyed the history or something behind lace so..."

"Molly." I cut her off and smiled, "Yes, of course I love it. You just caught me by surprise. I didn't think you really listened to me blabber on about lace. I was very touched, thank you."

She was placated by this explanation and moved on. "Maybe you can change into it after gym? I wore a black camisole too so we would sort of match." She gestured to her own top which I took notice of for the first time. It was also a black camisole. "Lace is your thing, so I thought it would be more special if only yours had lace." She grinned at her own consideration. I nodded and smiled as the rest of the way to first period became a blur.

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This is only the begins of what may be a long piece. (Prologue can be found here if you want to read it though I wonder if this chapter can stand alone and still make sense): http://www.writingforums.com/prose-writers-workshop/139534-prologue-untitled-suggestive-abuse.html

I have never done anything long before. I hope to write something very dark where I am able to release my feelings and experiences in a constructive and imaginary scenario. Some of my real feelings and experiences will be intermixed in the story I am writing, so please tread softly (no mean posts about subject matter), as "I have spread my fears under you feet; Tread softly because you tread on my fears" - Yeats. (I know, I changed the quote on purpose to put this as nicely as possible)

I hope for any constructive criticisms. Thank you. :smile:

Kevin
June 16th, 2013, 01:18 AM
Hello Meego- What is this? I take it as a scene from a school day; judging by the subject(clothes), high school (college? no...'first period' ). Two girls (assuming boys don't favor beaded lace-sorry, call me old-fashioned); friends, one gives the other a gift. There is some mystery revealed by the receiver's reaction and by your allusion to her wanting to 'feel normal' and some trouble with her father. Good. That's a hook. I wonder what's up.
Stylistically, the dialogue is believable, flows well, etc. It is somewhat swallowed by the accompanying descriptions. I think you're over 'telling'(describing detail). I picked up on the scene just by circumstance. I think many of the reactions described could be assumed simply by the dialogue. That seems to be a strong point. You might want to go with it.

On a more trivial note, at the start you used 'as' twice in one sentence. It seemed...awkward. I know it works when it's sandwiching an adjective, like 'as fast as...' or 'as hard as'. Anyway, you might use something else. Trivial, I know.


So...what else happens? :) thanks for the read. K.

Meego
June 16th, 2013, 10:48 PM
Hello Kevin,

Thanks for the excellent comments and advice! You got it all correct. It is a school day, in high school between 2 girls.

I tried to take your comments seriously and took some of the description of what was happening out. I'm not sure if I took enough out to get rid of the "over telling" feeling. I highlighted in green in the original post where I made changes. I'm really glad that the dialogue came together realistically, I was quite worried about that aspect.

Also, I am very glad that you pointed out the part where I used 'as' twice. It did breakup the flow and I hopefully fixed that.

Also, I did have a prologue to this, if you are interested I'd love to know your thoughts. I'm currently working on a next chapter though I am debating about a couple scenes and what about them that I will keep or discard or change.

Thank you so much for all your insight and help!!

Clnow3088
June 18th, 2013, 04:32 AM
I enjoyed this overall, it does hook you in, I can see the two girls pretty clearly in my mind. I will go on to read the prologue, but I do think this could stand on its own as an opener. Keep it up I want to know what happens and has happened!

Meego
June 18th, 2013, 10:55 AM
Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it! I'm glad that the piece feels like it can stand alone and that you are interested in more. I will definitely post more as I fix up certain chapters. And thank you for looking over the Prologue, I hope that you enjoy it. :D