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daltonj
June 11th, 2013, 11:02 PM
The children played. And as they spun in the sunlight, clutching each other’s hands, they produced a symphony of joyous laughter. Their shadows danced. They squinted their eyes toward the sun and smiled as it shone upon their faces. Their eyes sparkled with an unknown intricacy longing to be discovered; innocence allowed them to flourish in a presence of imperfect perfection; they were bliss.

But the children grew, as all children do. And with growth came plague. Irreversible plague. Their shadows, although dancing when they could, now seemed dull and forlorn—an engrossing black gloom. Like a flickering flame that cannot fathom its demise. The shadows wept. The weeps were those of abandoned children.

Seldom time was spent outside. The time that was, though, the sun was consciously regarded as a terrible thing. Its radiant glow was no longer appreciated. They still squinted at it, as they did long ago, but only with resentment and disgust; they regarded everything with absolute hatred—even themselves. The children were utterly miserable.

Society had slaughtered them, and robbed them of their innocence. They obliged to the path laid before them, and they've finally reached the end. They didn't end up different, they were simply burdened with an obscure realization only to be missed by ignorant fools—they wanted so much to be one of those ignorant fools. But it’s much too late, and they knew that. All they wanted was to escape the societal torture. And death was the only way.

popsprocket
June 12th, 2013, 12:58 AM
I quite like this. I think it reminds me of one of those creepy flashbacks to happy childhoods that you get in post apocalyptic movies/games when the main characters walk past a playground and imagine that kids will never play there again.

It's hard to give a crit on such a short piece so I'll just say that it's good. There are a few word choices I'd personally change, but the words in there aren't any less right than the ones I'd pick. It's all about style and flow, and this has plenty of it.

escorial
June 12th, 2013, 01:22 AM
THis piece catches a moment in time like a photograph .

popsprocket
June 12th, 2013, 01:40 AM
Yes! That's exactly what I was failing to say.

If you laid the sound of children laughing over a photograph of them holding hands and spinning around (but not in a creepy way), you would have this piece.

InkwellMachine
June 12th, 2013, 01:51 AM
I think it's poetry. Simply poetry, not prose at all. I'll admit, it doesn't really have a noticeable cadence or anything like that, but still, for all intents and purposes, it's poetry. It's short, symbolic, poignant, and built to sound aesthetically pleasing, where prose itself is only a tool to illustrate images in the mind.

For all that, it does read nicely.

daltonj
June 12th, 2013, 11:01 PM
There are a few word choices I'd personally change, but the words in there aren't any less right than the ones I'd pick. It's all about style and flow, and this has plenty of it.

Mind sharing? :)

daltonj
November 21st, 2013, 11:35 PM
Hey. I've expanded on it greatly since the last comment. Is where I went - perhaps even ended - satisfying to you readers?

Hopscotch
November 27th, 2013, 11:25 PM
I really like this

my advice for what its worth too many flowery words in the first para

weeps? - change

u speak about society- i do this im not sure but is society quite a big concept when uve been talking about simple things like the sun - i love that bit about the sun - and how their shadows change ect-

() - take out.

But yeah man i loved it - you do flower up stuff allot that can sound. Poncy - going through and being harsh with ur editing can help. U got nice style though, so u dnt want to lose that!

- - - Updated - - -

I really like this

my advice for what its worth too many flowery words in the first para

weeps? - change

u speak about society- i do this im not sure but is society quite a big concept when uve been talking about simple things like the sun - i love that bit about the sun - and how their shadows change ect-

() - take out.

But yeah man i loved it - you do flower up stuff allot that can sound. Poncy - going through and being harsh with ur editing can help. U got nice style though, so u dnt want to lose that!

Hopscotch
November 27th, 2013, 11:28 PM
Just read it again- forget what i said

- - - Updated - - -

Just read it again- forget what i said

daltonj
December 3rd, 2013, 10:16 PM
I really like this

my advice for what its worth too many flowery words in the first para

weeps? - change

u speak about society- i do this im not sure but is society quite a big concept when uve been talking about simple things like the sun - i love that bit about the sun - and how their shadows change ect-

() - take out.

But yeah man i loved it - you do flower up stuff allot that can sound. Poncy - going through and being harsh with ur editing can help. U got nice style though, so u dnt want to lose that!

thanks m8