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AtlanshiaSpirit
June 9th, 2013, 07:47 PM
This is an extract from something I have been working on, its slap bang in the middle of the story, and to be honest it was the very first scene in the book, I penned, because the beginning was driving me mad! I love the characters personally, but I would like to know what people think of it, is it worth continuing. Would you read it. The only people who have seen it so far are friends and people close to me, so I would like a strangers. “Oh shit..... Things are about to get a whole lot worse.”
Drake’s exasperated tone made the rest of them feel uneasy, getting to his feet Dylan planted a soft kiss on Spirit’s forehead, leaving her crouched alone on the floor, he goes to his brothers side. Spirit couldn’t see who was coming through the glass door; her friend’s muscular bodies shielded the cell door from her view. All she could hear was the mechanical gears as the door slides open, and the clanks of shoes on the concrete floor of the cell as more legs entered there small square prison.
“Get the girl out of here. Maddox wants her released. She was brought in error.” The first voice came from the silence, one of the men tried to come forward but he was blocked by the broad bodies of Dylan and his brother. Dylan’s whole body vibrated with tension, his fist clenched and unclenched involuntarily at his side. No one said another word; the four men stood silently facing each other.
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way boys? This is entirely your choice. Give me the girl and you can walk free, unchallenged, from this cell tonight. Fight me and I will take the girl and kill you both.” The man’s voice spoke again, this time it was set in a hard icy tone, sounding cold and unwelcoming, yet strangely familiar to Spirit.
“Over my dead body.” Dylan spat out, drake placed his hand on his brothers shoulder in an attempt to calm him.
“That could be arranged”
It hit her like a run away freight train, and then the disbelief set in. She knew through silent agreement Dylan and Drake wanted her to stay out of sight. But her curiosity got the better of her; slowly she rose to her feet, the men where to busy arguing amongst themselves to notice her moving towards them. Spirit was too lost in her thoughts to hear what they were saying, with every step she could see more to the to whom the voice belonged. He was tall, the same build as Dylan, but not as muscular. A white lab coat hung over his shoulders, and his hair was spiked neatly. He was wearing totally different clothes to what he left the house in that morning, and the ID badge clipped onto the lab coat pocket defiantly wasn’t the same one he constantly left laying around the house but it was defiantly her brother, Jason.
She felt as though she was six years old again looking into the eyes of her father. She had never seen him look as much like him, as he did in that moment. Standing next to Jason was her there roommate and childhood friend Tommy. Another two men stood just behind them, one was short and chubby with the face of a sleaze ball; the other was tall and painfully thin and rather clumsy looking, it was as if Bambi was based on this man alone.
Tommy noticed her first, his eyes widened as he drew a quick breath elbowing Jason in the upper arm, her brother regarded Tommy with a look of annoyance which Spirit thought was reserved for her. Jason followed his gaze to where Spirit stood, he did a double take, she could have sworn he’d aged 10 years in the few seconds it took him to register that his baby sister was standing across from him, trapped in a holding cell, with two vampires, and it was his men who had put her there.
“Spirit.”
It was little more than a whisper, but she heard it, Jason moved with purpose towards her, he was a foot away from her when Dylan, or more specifically the blur that was once Dylan meet him, both men crashed onto the floor, Dylan’s fist wasted no time getting to work on Jason’s face. Drake was set on by the taller of the two men as he made his way to his brother, while Mr Sleaze himself was making a B line for Spirit.
She squealed and darted out of the way, sheer weight alone sent him crashing into the wall. That didn’t deter him for long as he came at her again, this time she stood her ground, raising her knee slightly did the trick, as he fell into a crumple mess on the floor, clutching his groin. Groaning, he tried to get back up, but only managed to lift his head of the floor but it was no use.
Drake was in the process of beating the taller of the two men into submission using a stainless steal clip board. Who would have thought a clip board could be a dangerous weapon, yet he wields it like a knife, cutting and slashing at anything that moved. Drake was pretty bad ass when the time called for it, and it had defiantly called.
Drake had just made it to Dylan’s side when five more men, armed this time enter the cell, each off them carrying a gun, and all but one was aimed at Dylan who was still crouched over Jason, his fist frozen in the air, caught mid blow. Jason looked a little worse for where; a trail of blood coming from his nose, and his lip had split. Dylan still hadn’t moved, from the look in his eyes being shot at was a small price to pay for another few hits.
“Game over man” Drake announced, somewhat obviously.
Dylan raised his head eyes wide with anger, his breathing laboured. Using his already raised arm to dry his brow, his eyes scanned the room, examining each man, one by one until finally his eyes settled on the man stood behind Spirit, who had one of her arms pulled tight behind her back; her head was tilted to the left as the tip of his gun hovered next to her temple. Lifting his arms above his head in surrender, he stood and slowly backed away, never once taking his eyes of the gunman.
Spirit was panting nervously; the cool barrel of the gun caused her to shiver as it was pressed harder against her temple. She winced, and tilted her head further to relieve the pressure. Jason stood and dusted his camouflage trousers off, shrugging his torn lab off his shoulders, she watches as it drops to the floor.
“At ease, Solider.” He barks at the man holding Spirit.
“But sir sh.....” Jason cut him off with a wave of his hand.
“That is my sister, and you will drop your weapon.” when the man hesitated, Jason voice raised to a level of unquestionable authority, she had never heard from him before. “NOW”
The man lowered his weapon, gave a short sharp nod, and retreated back a few steps out of her eye line. Jason held his hand out to her, she accepted it and he pulled her in to him, the fear of the last few minutes overcame her as she wraps her arms around his waist holding onto him like she had as a child. His whole body tensed with shock, after a few seconds he wrapped his arms around her and smoothed her chocolate brown hair, a few seconds pass before he releases her.
“Come on; let’s get you out of here.” He smiled down at her tugging on her hand, when she saw Dylan and Drake were still standing with there hands in the air, guns pointing at them. She stopped causing Jason to tug harder on her hand, when she still didn’t move he turned to face her, clearly annoyed with the hold up.
“Spirit, come on, my men will take care of those beasts.”
“Take care of them?” She repeated, testing the words as they fell from her mouth.
“They are animals, they kill people. I would be irresponsible if I let them live. Like dangerous dogs are destroyed, this is no different.”
“There not dogs, there people Jase!” She couldn’t hide the shock and disgust from her voice.
“There not people, they are something else. They have powers you couldn’t begin to imagine, super human strength and speed. They are dangerous. They suck the life force out of people.”
Spirit is stuck to the spot for what feels like eternity; the realisation of where they are is sinking in. This place, the top secret building her brother works in, is for killing magical beings. Her brother is a cold hearted killer, and to top it off he has killed people, people just like her. Her breathing quickens and Jason tugs on her hand again, snatching it away from him in one sharp movement she backs away from him slowly, stopping only when her back meets the cool tiles. Jason moves toward her again, and she side steps along the wall, until she is stood in-between Dylan and Drake. No body tries to shoot her, which she is silently thankful for. Although she is sure her relation to Jason is the only thing preventing them getting to trigger happy.
“Spirit” The pain is Jason’s eyes tugs at her heart strings, and it takes her every ounce of strength she has not to leave the cell with him. But she can’t. She can not bring herself to leave Dylan behind, a tight knot forms in her stomach as she imagines what they could do to him, she cared for him deeply, a little more than care, okay a lot more. But know wasn’t the time to air those feelings, and although Drake was difficult, she had a special place for him too.
“Please come with me, we can sort this out at home. Let me do my job and keep you safe.”
“Spirit, I want you to go with your brother.” turning to face her, Dylan takes her hand in his, his eyes locked with hers in a silent plea.
“Spirit, come with me, I can protect you, just stop being so stubborn.” Jason is all but shouting, his eyes are bloodshot, and his cheeks are red. Spirit is already shaking her head “No.”
“These people want to kill you. It’s a game to them, you are a game. There going to kill you, and there going to do it to hurt me.” Jason inhales a sharp breath, casting his eyes downward. “God, don’t ask me watch you die, I couldn’t bare it.”
“What did you do?”
The room fell silent, no one so much as moved. She was staring at Jason now, with such intensity almost willing him to talk, but he was avoiding her eye contact. Jason began pacing the floor. He hadn’t said anything, not one word.
Spirit took another step forward, narrowing her eyes at her brother; she demanded again “What did you do?”
“He killed our sister.” Jason hadn’t got the chance to speak, Drake had beaten him to it.
“I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t know.” He was still avoiding her eyes, speaking more to the floor than anyone in particular.
“Didn’t know what?”
“She was human.... God,” Dylan shoulders stiffened as he remembered what had happened, his eyes glossed over as the scene replayed in his mind like a nightmare he could never escape from, he let out a low involuntary growl. Spirit clasped both her hands over her mouth in horror, she suddenly felt very sick.
“I didn’t know. I didn’t know she was human, otherwise I never would have....”
“Why? Why did you do it?” She was pleading with him for the truth now; she longed to hear that it was all a big misunderstanding, that it was some other Jason. One who left or got eaten, preferably the latter.
“She was one of them, I had to. I had to protect our people from these creatures.” Jason waved his arms in the direction of her friends.
“There are my people too. I’m a witch! Are you gonna kill me too?” Spirit snapped, stepping forward, it was her turn for the guns to follow her.
“No, please I want to protect you from this. We have been working on a cure. I can help you, that’s what this place is, we are trying to cure this disease.”
He waves his hand to the open planned floor outside of the cell, and she notices for the first time, a large open operating theatre complete with stainless steal beds with brown leather straps, it looked sterile and white, and quite frankly it was terrifying. Spirit realised with sickening clarity that was what they had intended to do to her, and her friends. They were lab rats.
“Please, let me protect you.”
His voice was no more than a whisper, Spirit’s eyes snapped to her brother, and she moved toward him with purpose, shaking with rage. Guns followed her as she moved forward elegantly but with purpose, until she stood in front of her brother. There eyes met, and for a moment, just one fleeting moment, she thought she saw a glimpse of the same man she spent years of her teenage life idolising, she could no longer look at him the same way, in that moment she realised it wasn’t him that had changed but her who had changed, she had grown up into something he couldn’t accept. She was a witch, it was her birth right. Her destiny, and now her brother, her own flesh and blood, who had protected her from so many things, for so many years, was the very thing that she should fear, a modern day witch hunter.
The faces of all the girls reported as missing in the six months she had been living with him, swam through her mind, she could see them, there last moments spent begging for there lives at the hands of her own brother. She couldn’t help it but see there terrified expressions and that cut a little too deep; she raised her hand and slapped him across the face. It was hard enough to turn his cheek ruby red with white outlines of her fingers. He remained calm and still, not moving, only allowing his head to turn slightly to lessen the blow. She turnt on her heals making her way back to her friends “Come on, We’re leaving”
“Finally some sense.”
Drake laughed, and pushed his way through the guards, only to bump into Spirit’s back. This time there path was blocked by a tall man, his greying hair indicated he was older than most of the men in the room. He peered over the glasses that sat on his crocked nose, his lips curled into an evil smile, as he extends his left arm, snapping his plump fingers. The guns click as the men load there weapons and point them steadily at the three of them. Not this again, I mean how many times in one day can you have a gun pointed at you.
“I’m afraid that will not be possible.”
“Blow this.”
She heard Dylan’s voice a few seconds before a gun being fired. Spirit spun around in time to see the gun hit the floor; Dylan was throwing punches at a solider. Drake was surrounded by three more of them; it was quickly becoming a free for all. One of the guards was sauntering over to Scarlett, clearly thinking he had the easiest of the fights. She smiled her sweetest smile as he crossed the remaining steps towards her. Reaching his hand out to grab her she intercepted it in an open palm, raised her knee and caught him square in his special place. While he is doubled over on the floor, another man with a gun is coming towards her at a fast pace, not wanting to risk him getting to close, epically with a weapon, she made one sharp flick of her wrist and the gun flew out of his hands, the man with a confused look on his face silently retreated back into the crowd to retrieve his weapon.
The three of them are somehow forced back into a little group against the wall, Spirit sharply moves her arm from one side of her body to the other; an unseen force lifts the men effortlessly off there feet and they all crash into the far wall and one another. The men groan and scramble to get to there feet and reach there weapons. Drake picks the nearest two of the floor and underhand’s one to Dylan, who catches it in mind air.
“Hey, don’t I get a gun” she protests.
“I think you have enough fire power already.” Dylan smirks, and Drake laughs. Spirit trys her best to pout, the uses her own fire power to move the guns further away from the men now trying to reach them. Dylan’s hand sits on the small of her back, pressing gently, pulling her closer towards him; his lips are on hers, soft warm and inviting, She loses herself in his lips. For a second they are the only two people in the room. Dylan pulls away, his eyes filled with lust and longing, he presses his forehead against hers, and whispers “I love you so much. It hurts”
“Time to go” Drake shouts. Spirit rolls her eyes but he is right in the distance they can hear footsteps clanging on the steel floor above them, shouting follows and they realise that more guards will arrive soon. Drake searches one of the unconscious guards and finds a key card for the door, it slides open.

popsprocket
June 10th, 2013, 07:14 AM
Just something to start off with:

You should go back and edit your post to make it a touch more readable. I know that copy pasting stuff onto the website destroys formatting, but for the sake of the people you want to read this you really should go back and put line breaks in where necessary. Especially since the body of the excerpt begins in the middle of a line of the rest of the post.

I didn't read the whole thing. Why? Because there are a number of glaring errors early on that turned me off reading it. My apologies, but I'm sort of hardwired that way ;)

So let's take a look at what I did make it through:


“Oh shit..... Things are about to get a whole lot worse.”
Ellipses are only three consecutive dots. Their usage here is also wrong, but how to properly use them is both debated and a little more involved than a beginning writers needs to bother with. Suffice to say this would simply work better as two sentences:

"Oh shit. Things are about to get a whole lot worse."


Drake’s exasperated tone made the rest of them feel uneasy. Getting to his feet, Dylan planted a soft kiss on Spirit’s forehead, leaving her crouched alone on the floor, he goes to his brothers side.
Once again this is two different sentences. The second problem here is that you slip from past to present tense in the last bit of the passage. You should pick either past or present tense and stick to that, if for no other reason than to simplify things for yourself. As a bonus, making sure you are always writing in a consistent POV and tense will help you develop a more consistent style as a whole.


Spirit couldn’t see who was coming through the glass door; her friends' muscular bodies shielded the cell door from her view. All she could hear was the mechanical gears as the door slides open [no comma needed] and the clanks of shoes on the concrete floor of the cell as more legs entered their small, square prison.
Another slip into present tense in the second sentence. Also made a some changes to the punctuation marks. I also have a gripe with saying 'more legs entered' because it's vague, at best, in whether you mean people or disembodied legs, and even when we're not being overly literal, it's the feet making the footsteps, not the legs.



“Get the girl out of here. Maddox wants her released. She was brought in error.” The first voice came from the silence. One of the men tried to come forward but he was blocked by the broad bodies of Dylan and his brother. Dylan’s whole body vibrated with tension, his fist clenched and unclenched involuntarily at his side. No one said another word; the four men stood silently facing each other.

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way, boys. [not a question] This is entirely your choice. Give me the girl and you can walk free, unchallenged, from this cell tonight. Fight me and I will take the girl and kill you both.” The man’s voice spoke again, this time it was set in a hard, icy tone, sounding cold and unwelcoming, yet strangely familiar to Spirit.

“Over my dead body.” Dylan spat out. Drake placed his hand on his brother's shoulder in an attempt to calm him.

“That could be arranged.”

It hit her like a runaway freight train, and then the disbelief set in. She knew through silent agreement Dylan and Drake wanted her to stay out of sight, but her curiosity got the better of her. Slowly she rose to her feet, the men were too busy arguing among themselves to notice her moving toward them. Spirit was too lost in her thoughts to hear what they were saying, with every step she could see more of [adding this makes the sentence correct, but a mouthful] to whom the voice belonged. He was tall, the same build as Dylan, but not as muscular. A white lab coat hung over his shoulders, and his hair was spiked neatly. He was wearing totally different clothes to what he had left the house in that morning, and the ID badge clipped onto the lab coat pocket definitely wasn’t the same one he constantly left laying around the house, but it was definitely her brother, Jason.

So you need to be a little less liberal in your application of commas. I know that commas are wonderful things, but they don't connect independent statements. Try considering when things should be broken up into multiple sentences more carefully.

Other than that there's a few syntax errors and some basic spelling and punctuation stuff that could have been picked up in a proof read. A quick scan of the rest reveals more mistakes in that vein all the way through the piece. Some of the things I changed come from experience with writing, but others I know would have shown up in a word processor as being mistakes. Word processing programs aren't always right, but their suggestions are often worth considering.

Over all I didn't read enough to tell you if it's worth continuing, but I will say that all ideas are worth writing. Any idea, character, setting, or plot can be a good idea, it's all about how well that idea is executed. So keep writing. Then edit, maybe rewrite if you feel like it. Move onto the next idea. Continue onward and upward and have fun with what you're doing no matter what anyone tells you.

AtlanshiaSpirit
June 10th, 2013, 09:19 AM
Thank you very much for taking the time. I know there is a lot of things I need to edit, and I do struggle with sticking to past/present tense. I was just hoping to get it out, and on paper, and then worry about the rest of it later kind of deal. I have made some changes based on your comments, so thank you for taking the time to read at least some of it for me, it is much appreciated. Also my enter button is having a melt town on this page, and I can not get a page break. If am doing something wron g please help!

Quick239
June 10th, 2013, 01:49 PM
I've read the entirety of your text as well as popsrocket's commentary so as to not repeat what he has already said. That being said, I'd like to say that helping us (the members of the community) and making your text simple to read by following the forum's guidelines will only get you more comments and advice. I know it is a pain to do with long excerpts such as yours but trust me it is worth your time.

As for advice, I'd have to agree with popsrocket that you slip between two different verb tenses within the same sentences. Also, I'm not always certain you use the right adjectives in your descriptions.

Who would have thought a clip board could be a dangerous weapon, yet he wields it like a knife, cutting and slashing at anything that moved. Drake was pretty bad ass when the time called for it, and it had defiantly called.


I'm assuming you meant definitely in this case.

Other than that, I'd say your story is interesting and could easily be made into something longer if you're ready to put in the work. After all, nothing is achieved without at least some work.

Have a nice day and keep writing :)

Quick239