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View Full Version : The First bit of a New Serial Novel Called "Sleepwalk" (2400 words)



Lucidian
June 6th, 2013, 09:41 PM
EDITED BY O.P. TO REMOVE CONTENT

Novel
June 11th, 2013, 05:51 PM
This is engaging. You managed to take introspection and inaction and make each interesting, so good job there. The solid details balanced with insight into an old man's thoughts kept me going, as did the mystery.

Unless it would kill the pacing or feel of the story, I'd recommend bumping up the tension just a little bit in the last few paragraphs to encourage readers to continue. Either that or make the old man's goals clearer--show the readers what he's working toward.

Lucidian
June 11th, 2013, 06:06 PM
Hi Novel,
Thanks for the comments. Glad you enjoyed it. We'll have a look at those last few paragraphs.

Lsahlm
June 11th, 2013, 07:51 PM
Hello Lucidian,

My main crit was the incredible amount of narrative and description overload. I feel very little was left for my imagination. I'm sure you would fulfill the
worn-out "show, don't tell" cliche, but this was simply too much for me as a reader. Personally, all I need is a few well defined, but distinct or standout points of a description, then my mind will fill in the rest--probably more vivid for me as a reader than being given a blow by blow description of every detail.
It seemed to take forever to get to some sort point of it all because of all the info and description. I found myself getting blurry-eyed and skipping most of it to try to get some sense of the main point. I like your writing, but personally would prefer more story content, less narrative.

Lucidian
June 11th, 2013, 08:14 PM
Hi Lsahlm,

Thanks for your comments. I'm sorry to hear that you found the description taxing. Ultimately, I think this is a issue of stylistic preference.