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ForgedinFlames
June 6th, 2013, 05:55 PM
Head down with pale eyes, I yearned to find beauty within an ever-thickening fog. Alone and famished, ravens guided me toward the soil, coarsely speaking of that eternal sleep where my burdens might be laid to rest. I can recall the sound of the ocean in the distance; somewhere beyond those thick pine trees I had become immersed in, lashing the shoreline with frothy waves. If only I could break free of the forest…


All throughout my dreary school days, I fell for girls easily, like the hazel-eyed magnolia with wavy black hair and mocha skin. She loved to dance and was shy, like me. Whenever our eyes met in a hallway, holding for an instant that felt like forever, we both smiled and waved hello, but words never broke free from our transfixed tongues.


There was the outgoing freckled lily whose presence lit up a room like drawn curtains on a bright and cloudless day. She carried herself like a roaming songbird, unbound and fragile, yet never succumbing to a precarious sky. Her eyes squinted when she smiled and she had deep red hair that glowed like embers in a world that felt cold and dark.


Insecure and falling apart, I wanted someone to cure my sadness. A precious companion through the haze was something I always dreamt of and I’d write jaded love poems until the ink ran out. Romance has always borne a mythical allure to me, but over the years, I’ve learned that so many of those flowers are really made of plastic.


When I finally reached the beach, a calm and cool turquoise tide coalesced with smooth tan sand beneath a dazzling sunlit sky. The sight was enough to bring color back to my eyes. I lied down there, arms outstretched, savoring the breeze, and realized something; the beauty I had searched so long for was already inside of me. I just needed to let go... allow it to overtake and carry me away.

Quick239
June 6th, 2013, 08:04 PM
I love reading your work and must say this is one of the best I've read from you.

I loved the ending and how what he was looking for had never been anyone else's to give him. He had only to look within himself to understand.

If I had a recommendation it would be to lengthen the piece if at all possible. Perhaps had a few examples or explain the context. Why is the character next to a beach and what has he come there to do? Where is he going? Why is he reminiscing?

I'll keep reading your works, keep it up :)

ForgedinFlames
June 6th, 2013, 09:30 PM
Thanks a lot, Quick239! I will work on extending this one with your feedback in mind. I feel that it's longing to become something larger and you've encouraged me to go ahead and make that happen.

Quick239
June 6th, 2013, 09:36 PM
Always a pleasure to helps other writers :)

I'll be following your journey from now on,

Quick239

InkwellMachine
June 7th, 2013, 09:21 AM
Conceptual pieces can be a lovely thing to write, and a fun read on the worst of occasions. A common issue is that we end up with a lot of faceless characters who, as far as the reader can discern, are little more than a roaming balls of emotion. I'm not saying you should start your scenes with "my name is blank and i have red hair and dark skin and a scaled back, which i'm sure comes as something of a surprise to you," just that some reactions on the main character's part might be healthy. For instance, we get good imagery of the forest and the ocean and of the two ladies, but the main character? All we know is that he has a motive and a means by which to satisfy it.

I suppose some of the beauty of conceptual pieces is the amount of interpretation left up to the reader, but there's a point where we're just making too many assumptions. Consider some further explication on the narrator's part.

Also, your prose are pretty beautiful. I like the line about plastic flowers. Very poignant.

ForgedinFlames
June 7th, 2013, 04:11 PM
Conceptual pieces can be a lovely thing to write, and a fun read on the worst of occasions. A common issue is that we end up with a lot of faceless characters who, as far as the reader can discern, are little more than a roaming balls of emotion. I'm not saying you should start your scenes with "my name is blank and i have red hair and dark skin and a scaled back, which i'm sure comes as something of a surprise to you," just that some reactions on the main character's part might be healthy. For instance, we get good imagery of the forest and the ocean and of the two ladies, but the main character? All we know is that he has a motive and a means by which to satisfy it.

I suppose some of the beauty of conceptual pieces is the amount of interpretation left up to the reader, but there's a point where we're just making too many assumptions. Consider some further explication on the narrator's part.

Also, your prose are pretty beautiful. I like the line about plastic flowers. Very poignant.
Thanks, I will lengthen this piece and develop a "flesh and blood" narrator with distinct characteristics and provide more background info and a clear goal in the near future. I've recently broken through a plateau with my writing and know that a lot of my pieces have this issue. My goal is to focus on character and story development, so your critique is well noted!