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View Full Version : My first chapter (1144 words) (Mild Language)



iMagine Creativity
June 5th, 2013, 08:33 AM
The date was 9th, July 2156.

The busy Washington streets were more chaotic than usual. Getting around was unbearable, the morning traffic report was a mess, Erik Chase, a very successful geologist. He was one his way to the white house, he traveled the only way he could, good old fashioned walking. Even the footpaths were extremely busy. The sky begin to fill with grey clouds, it would rain soon. Erik had forgotten his coat. He had to walk for another twenty minutes. The amount of traffic lights was unbearable, one after the other with around five minute intervals between each set. Damn It! Erik felt a drop of water land straight on his nose. Rolling down his face to his chin, from there it dropped into a crack in his suitcase. In there was the blueprint plans for a top secret project that he had to show to the president of the United States of America. The rain had become more constant, bucketing down on an angle that dismissed his hat entirely and pricked on the back of his neck, sending shivers down his spine. Every minute the rainfall increased, a storm was coming, and he began to speed walk. The amount of pollution coming from the vehicles caused Erik to feel nauseous. He stumbled; he would have fallen if it weren't for the man he accidentally pushed. “What the hell is wrong with you man!” The man said.

“I..I’m sorry, I didn't mean it, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn't cut it, fool. Now run along before I kick your ass!”

The streets were filled with people of ill sorts. The towering skyscrapers were like giant concrete trees, seeming to capture you with their roots, keeping you in place, not allowing you to leave. Between the gaps in the cars gasoline rainbows could be seen on the pitch black asphalt. The weather became much colder since he left his house. The cold mist arising from his mouth clouded his vision. Erik walked past a tech shop, The T.V.’s in the window blaring. ‘The situation in Russia has only worsened as of this morning. Buildings, as well as lives have been demolished, a fire that started earlier today is roaring through the country sides, People are being told to stay clear as the Russian emergency services tries to control the incident, a young man by the name of Dimitri is being questioned about the fire, police suspect that he is the culprit. Now we move to Dr. Reede for the weather report…’ Erik checked his watch, great! I’m late He thought letting out a soft sigh, as he continued walking, the faint sound from the T.V. let out the word Hail. He kept walking, this time, under cover. He heard people yell and scream, and panic spread through the walkway. Erik put his briefcase atop his head and ran to the road; he signaled the nearest taxi and jumped in. “Hey man, watcha doin’?”

“Take me to the white house ASAP. I’ll pay you double.”

“No, no, no. triple, I’m already carrying two passengers” It was only then he noticed the young couple in the back seat.

“Ugh, fine, here you go” he said

The city was stubborn, the people, more so.



The taxi drive only took an hour longer than it should have; He was already late as it was. God… I’m gonna be late on my first time visiting the president. The rain had subsided, at least for now. I looked ahead, across the great garden filled with red roses and white daisies, stood the great intimidating pillars of the white house , a checkpoint, great… More wasted time he thought. Erik handed them his I.D. badge when they asked, he gave them a fingerprint and a drop of blood. They just couldn't be too sure. As he approached the front entrance he was told to redirect to the back, apparently due to an attempted break-in earlier today, the world had changed since the 21st century. As he walked around the back, Erik noticed that the sun’s rays began to shine through the clouds. What is happening with the weather? He stepped through the less glamorous back door and was led through a series of tall, wide corridors; the rooms were filled with busy people, screaming orders at others, while orders were being yelled at them. Inside a room the noise of a T.V. alerted Erik’s attention. It seemed to be the channel 11 news network, one of the most popular ones in the country, ‘It has now been confirmed that the Russian reactor, Beloyarsk has been reported at critical stage following the earthquake just hours ago. The town is being evacuated but nothing can be done the reactor is only several hours away from destruction’ The rest could not be heard as angry voices boomed their way through the walls. The corridor opened up, Erik entered a large room, there was a woman in a suit that quickly rushed towards him and told him to hurry up. She pushed him through the doors at the end of the room. Inside were the president and four others. “It’s an honor Mr President.”
“The honor is all mine Dr Chase, now let’s get talking.”
“Okay” said the meteorologist Dr Reede. “The world, as you have probably experienced (she looked at my soaking clothes as an example) is undergoing rapid weather changes, or in other words, abrupt weather changes. People say this is a result of random weather behavior. I am telling you that we have caused this, Think of the cold weather spikes as… as the earth’s last stand. Soon extreme heat will spread across the planet, Species will die, causing others to die, and the earth will be dead, and the only life may possibly only survive in the deepest reaches of the ocean. Mr President, we have caused or own demise.”

“This can’t be right” said the President.

“It is, evidence can be seen all around, The nuclear plant in Russia, is about to release harmful radiation into the air, Man-Made fires, cars, electricity. We cannot undo what we've done.”

“Uh.. Excuse me Mr President” Erik said “Dr Collins and I have been revising over some plans, our team came up with, I believe it wills save the most of humanity.” I said handing him the blueprints from my bag.

“Interesting, I will run this through NASA. Operation: Farewell. I like the name… Dr Reede, are you sure there is no hope?”

“Yes, Mr President. The earth will be gone within this century. 3rd world countries such as Africa will be uninhabitable in abut twenty years.”

“I understand, how long, in estimation will your project take, Dr Collins?”

“46 years, sir.”

“Dr Chase, you said ‘most’?”

“Yes Mr President, we will not be able to save the entire race.”

“How many will survive?”

“Less than 1% sir.

popsprocket
June 5th, 2013, 11:16 AM
First of all. Did you proof read this? There are several glaring errors that would be easy to pick up. The first one is the fact that the second sentence doesn't go anywhere. Capitalisations where they shouldn't be, but also absent from where they should. One slip up where you fall into a first person POV. A few grammar mistakes here and there, but nothing terrible.


Secondly. There are an absurd number of commas here, and they are largely misused. Misused in several fashions, actually. The most prevalent mistake is one where you combine two largely separate ideas into the one sentence.

e.g.

He was one his way to the white house, he traveled the only way he could, good old fashioned walking.
This really ought to be two different sentences, and that's why it makes no sense in its current form. Even then the usage of commas would be wrong. See:

"He was on his way to the White House. He travelled the only way he could: good old fashioned walking."


Thirdly. This is more of what I'd call a faux pas than anything else, but the number of sentences that start with 'the' is jarring. It's not like you should avoid starting sentences with it altogether, but once it becomes noticeable you need to look at restructuring sentences so as to make it read more naturally. As an aside, I would take this to indicate that you are doing far more 'telling' than 'showing'.


There is an example of using parentheses in here. Parentheses don't belong in fiction as a general rule. The information you provided in those parentheses could have been included in the prose organically.

"[...] bla bla bla," She said, looking at my soaking clothes as if to illustrate the point, "Bla bla bla [...]"


"Most" means the greater number. If 'most' of the human race will survive, the bare minimum is 51%. The plan will save some of the human race, but not most.


Overall, this feels very unfocused. Each paragraph seems to leap about between ideas rather than sticking with a single thread. It makes for a confusing and clumsy read. Try restructuring and breaking each passage into smaller passages so that you can contain the action in a much more organic fashion. Adding to this problem is that you do a lot of telling. The rain was this. The people were this. This happened the then this happened. I realise how vague it sounds to simply say that, but unless you are specifically going for a feel where the reader is being told something by a self aware narrator, you simply need to keep at it and keep practicing.

iMagine Creativity
June 5th, 2013, 11:31 AM
I feel a bit embarrassed at the moment, but thanks anyway. I realize now that i had posted the less updated version of my work. I would probably not have realized my mistake, if it weren't for you. I will post the 'updated' version later, thanks.

popsprocket
June 5th, 2013, 11:36 AM
Don't feel embarrassed to post your work to this site, I hope I did't put you off or anything. It's just in keeping with my personality that I tend to come out swinging where writing is concerned. If you sugar coat things it tends to slip beneath the author's notice as something that is only a passing issue. Saying it directly, I find, works better in encouraging the author to actively learn how to improve their writing.

So, by all means, update this with as many drafts as you would like.