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belthagor
June 4th, 2013, 10:23 PM
for your enjoyment......or not

"I fell asleep with my friend Daniel, he wakes up earlier than me. I knew he would be up to helping me, he brought his lighter with him and some paper. Since I learned from him if you get burned while you are asleep it feels like someone is touching you in the dreamworld, I had asked him to burn me about an hour before I am awake. So there I was enjoying life, and I woke up with small burns in between normal skin and first degree. My girlfriend Nancy finally touched me. Sasha, the girl outside of my dreams, has never touched me."

Meego
June 12th, 2013, 10:01 PM
I'm having a hard time formulating an opinion about this snippet.

I'm not sure if you are looking for critique or not but I thought I might point out a couple things since I read it and no one else has said anything:

Your piece, from this small snippet, could be interesting. I think being burned while asleep might have a fascinating point if you choose to make it so. But this is just too small to really get anything out of it. I don't really know the characters and I haven't the time (length of story) or the information to start caring about them. I am also a little confused at the end where you start with "So there I was enjoying life..." I'm not really sure I followed what was happening after that.

If this is just a part of a larger piece, I think you should consider posting larger parts or whole sections/chapters so that people may formulate a substantial opinion about your piece and give you informative critiques about what you did well and what you might want to consider changing. Maybe you did not post on here for those purposes but even this small fragment is hard to glean enjoyment from because it is too small and confusing since I am not familiar with the characters or the setting.

I wish you luck on your book and maybe I will get to see larger portions of it later. :D

IWrite..Kinda
June 14th, 2013, 05:12 AM
I guess whenever a story is short in length, words can be appreciated more. They carry more... "weight" in my opinion. I think this is a perfect example of such a story, for a backstory is not needed for the reader to have a grasp on the situation. It's brisk and heavy. I like it.

Yurika
June 18th, 2013, 08:26 AM
Hi belthagor,
I like the idea and the powerful way in which you threw in a story line, a bit of intrigue and some characters all in one small snippet. Well done!
My only critique would be to have an editor give this a once-over. A small change to sentence structure and bits of punctuation here and there... The piece would be even stronger for it.

Strangedays410
June 18th, 2013, 02:45 PM
I think this is perfect as a stand-alone snippet. I am intrigued for a number of reasons, including the fact that the narrator is deranged. Personally, I've learned a hell of a lot about about him/her, in only a few sentences. My favorite part is from, So there I was enjoying life, through to the end. I'd be curious to see where this goes.