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escorial
June 4th, 2013, 06:32 PM
Looking in the mirror I can see me,but two minds live in the one reflection.My eyes try to see past what the mind will not let free ,to be alone with my own reflection and see the face of two years ago befor this conflict first appeared to me.How can this happen,why is this happening,my mind is now judge and jury to all I try to think about.It offers two opinions about the same subject all the time.The one I believe to be me is constantly questioned and never will they agree on the same conclusion and leave me open to self doubt and reasoning.Two days growth on my face,Im always clean shaven,hate stubble and donít like two be seen with it outside of my flat.
Slash yourself with the razor,lets see how much it hurts,press it close to your skin and pull it away,let it rip the flesh and we can watch the blood show itself to us.Why you questioning what we need to do...see if you do it then iím the more powerful voice,the voice that will show you always the best cause of action.Cut with the blade,do it now,rip that skin and the release we will feel and prove that it was the best thing to do.Your questioning yourself again,stop it and just do as we have thought exactly the same.
Why am I contemplating such a stupid thing to do,cut myself,scar my skin.I only want to shave my face so I can feel clean and fresh,enjoy the clean shave and smooth feel of my skin when I pass my hand under my chin and hold my chin as the smoothness on my fingers make me feel younger.I will put my favourite aftershave on today,sunny days and the heat seem to enhance the smell and I can feel it as I walk rise up my nose.Donít think I will ever have a moustache or beard,they make people look older and must itch so on a day like today.
Cut,cut rip that flesh..oh!..it will feel so good,the pain will be fleeting and the blood will soon rise from the slash.Just imagine the feel of the blood seeping out,do not obstruct it just stand there and let it fall,a warm feeling at first replaced by a burning sensation when the nerves try and take over the experience of what were about to do.Scars..it will give your face a certain kudos,make you look tougher and people will recognise that you must have felt pain when that cut was fresh.Do it,do it....after we finish counting to three then press that blade.
I just want to shave not cut myself,why is it so hard to make an every day experience a battle,I can reason with myself.Why would I want to scar my face and cover my cheeks in plasters and bandages before it heals and scars,how stupid is that.I just canít be bothered now,no shave,no leaving the flat today,forget it,iím just going to leave the whole day to itself and sit around until night falls and I fall asleep.Only then will I be released from this every day burden of being me.I donít know why ,when iím asleep that this does not happen..what if I was to sleep forever..I would be free from all this.

Meego
June 12th, 2013, 10:28 PM
I have seen a few of your posts in some of the forums and read through them. You definitely have a passion and change your tone for the pieces but there is something that has struck me each time I have read your pieces - were you trying to make a story? Were you trying to tell me something?

Now this is not a critique in a bad sense. Not all writing has to be a story and not all writing has to follow the traditional model of plot/point with characters that drive it forward. But I have kept wondering what you were trying to tell me, the reader, about the topic you have written on. Some writing is done for others (anyone) to read, some writing is done for others (specific people) to read and some writing is done for the self (yourself) to express emotions/feelings/etc.

I sometimes get the feeling that these are pieces you are writing for yourself that you are sharing with others, which makes it sometimes hard to get what you are trying to do. Now, I have done self-harm for many years in my past and I can relate in some ways to those words and thoughts that you express. It is very realistic and one of the better aspects of your piece but even at the end of it, even being able to relate to it, I finish the piece and I think to myself - why? Why have you written this and shared it with me? Why have I read it? You have makings (aspects) to your piece that bring me out of your conflicting lines of thoughts of shaving verse cutting yourself but I feel too trapped in your head. I feel mainly like I'm reading your diary, not that I am there as you try to shave yourself and resist the notion to cut yourself. I don't feel the physical battle with yourself to just continue shaving. I get the mental battle but it seems to take over your whole piece and makes it hard to get into because those are specifically (seemingly) your thoughts; not the thoughts of a character that I am trying to understand and relate to.

Also, like some people have commented before in other posts, putting a space after punctuation would help dramatically with people reading and understanding your pieces. If you refuse to change this, it keeps me wondering if you are really writing so that others can read your works or are you writing for yourself and sharing it with others? Writing for yourself is not a bad thing, it is just like writing in a diary or journal, nothing wrong with that. It just has a different purpose than that of writing for others.

Anyway, I truly mean these critiques to be helpful and I hope that you continue to take the helpful critiques you gets and use them in your current and future writing endeavors.

Best,
Meego :D

escorial
June 12th, 2013, 10:39 PM
I havn't been writting that long and were I once wrote it all down on paper I have moved onto the internet.Most of the pieces I write are not about me but bits n bobs that hopefully one day will appear as a finished piece.I've written so much that i can get lost and move in some very different directions but hopefully I can find what it is im searching for.I read your view and can appreciate what your saying..basicaly what can I get from posting on here..without much clarity on my part just critique I guess

Meego
June 12th, 2013, 11:04 PM
It is okay to post your writings on here (I'm sure that is how others feel too) and you don't have to go in one specific direction. Many people write on different topics all the time.

I would say, take your pieces, ones already written or ones you write in the future (one at a time) and look at them and ask yourself, "What do I want the reader to feel/think/understand/etc. about my piece?" "How can I make them feel/think/understand/etc this in piece, what can I do to get this across to them?"

Also, I think you should take (good) critique seriously. We all post on here hoping that someone can give us meaningful help so that we can all improve. I doubt anyone on here would consider themselves perfect. I know that I do not. My own writings have a long way to go which is why I post them looking for someone (or many) to help me make my writing better. I also try to pay it forward by helping others in the best way that I can.

So yes, it's about thinking about what you are posting on here for, sure. If that's the case, try to employ some of the critiques you receive (such as putting spaces between punctuation marks like the following: . , ; : )
But it is also about what you are trying to give to your audience or the reader of your writings. What are you trying to say in your pieces?

Anyway, I hope I have helped. I still strongly encourage you to keep posting on the forums and gathering and giving critiques from/to others.

Best,
Meego

escorial
June 12th, 2013, 11:14 PM
yeah..I need to stop moving about and focus on the one thing...I do read alot on here and it helps,especially reading other styles..the poetry especially...cheers

Micholeon
August 31st, 2013, 05:05 AM
"Looking in the mirror I can see me,but two minds live in the one reflection." very strong beginning, I already want to read more. Hooks readers in.

I liked the rest of it too, and the emotion in it is clear. One big piece of advice, though - spacing. Spacing after periods, and spacing after paragraphs. Right now it looks like one very long sentence. Or was that intentional?

Otkuda
September 1st, 2013, 04:02 PM
I'd like to second the comments on the emotion in the piece. It reads like a character's train of thought, that's how I interpreted it anyway. It's quite confronting, and not reassuring in any way. I really like the hint of contrast in the middle part, around the sentence: 'I only want to shave my face so I can feel clean and fresh'. It makes the text more painful if you emphasise the contrast a little more. I think on the whole the piece feels ragged and a little chaotic, which probably contributes to the rawness of the emotion.

Punctuation needs improving though, or else the eye of the reader will skip over things you don't want them to skip over. A few sentences are perhaps a little superfluous, for instance -Don’t think I will ever have a moustache or beard,they make people look older and must itch so on a day like today.

Hope this helps. Ciao

escorial
September 1st, 2013, 05:56 PM
cheers Otkuda...the piece needs alot of work..

sageburgamot
September 18th, 2013, 01:09 AM
Love the passion

escorial
September 18th, 2013, 02:05 AM
cheers sageburgamont..shine on dude.