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escorial
June 3rd, 2013, 12:53 PM
I'm walking along an I'm thinking..how can you hate someone and love them at the same time.This couple passing me by now,are they feeling the same..look happy enough,then again everyone I see is having a great time and it's just me who's miserable.Been going on far to long all this,screaming,shouting,lovemaking and stress.I love her,I hate her,she cry's .I leave walk around for a while go back and say sorry.Sorry is all I say these days to everyone,couldn't make it,sorry,sorry but I'm running late.Things seem to be going from bad to worse in that flat,with it's cheap furniture and hit n miss style.Not the place I imagined I would be living in once I started work and she moved in,yeah!she moved in..sorry about that to.

Could go in the pub,sink a few..na!,best walking past and head for the coffee shop around the corner order a latte an calm down.Seated with me mug an mobile buzzing.I know it's her but I just don't want to answer it,worse thing ever invented when your in a relationship like this,always able to get in touch an disturb you.Text back instead..sorry x,don't even want a reply.If I stay in this much longer it will turn me sour but I think I love her and you know what I'm sorry about that too!.Opened the door,straight into the living room,she wasn't there but on the mirror was written in red lipstick,"it's over, sorry".Sat down and thought, I'm not sorry anymore or should I be sorry about that to?

escorial
June 12th, 2013, 06:25 PM
It's been a couple of days now and i'm so missing her,opening the door and she's not there even before walking home,it ain't a home now it's a flat nobody there but me.I got what I wanted,freedom from what though oh!..was it commitment,I don't know anymore.This is the frustrating thing for me,wanting everyone to fall at my door,I don't know why it has to be this way for me but when I get what I want my mood changes to wanting somethink moore.I really don't know why I act this way.When I walk in the bathroom,bedroom I can imagine she's still there,lying in the bath or naked lying on the bed reading a book.Sometimes she would be asleep on the floor music quietly playing as I bent down to kiss her on the lips and carry her to bed.Cooking for one seems like a chore getting the groceries from the store is an effort not a joy anymore,passing the items she enjoyed,wanting to put them in my basket once more.She won't answer my mobile anymore,ignores my text messages but I do know why,she doesn't want to live, be with me anymore.Like the shutters that come down in the store to protect it,she's closed her mind so I can't get in anymore,looking to move on and put her past behind her once more.I don't know why I let it get this way,frustrated myself and pushed her away..why can I not understand that until it's gone,I never appreciate what I had,I just don't know why.

Smith
June 26th, 2013, 06:15 AM
Almost happy I stumbled across this. Found myself relating to many things here that you wrote about. Perhaps not perfect grammar, but that doesn't matter too much. It's the thought that counts!

escorial
July 11th, 2013, 08:55 PM
thanx

mukesh
July 11th, 2013, 08:58 PM
A writing in montage format. Your words seems like pictures that floated one after another. Just needs a little grammatical and syntax polishing..Keep it up!!!

escorial
July 11th, 2013, 09:00 PM
thankyouman

Greimour
July 21st, 2013, 07:16 AM
I liked this.
I kind of wanted to do a tidy up of it. My fingers twitched near the mouse ready to copy and paste.
Not to get it to a perfect standard of grammar etc... just tidy it up enough to allow easier reading. Keeping the fast-paced lines and fixing a few of what appear to be typing errors.


I never appreciate what I had,I just don't know why.
Like that one:
1. I never *appreciated* what I had, I just don't know why. (figured you meant this and was just a typo)
2. I never appreciate what I have*, I don't know why.

^ depending which way you meant it.

I had no trouble reading it and I followed it perfectly well I think, so; refusing to accidently cause any disrespect, i resisted the urge to do a proof-read edit.

Glad I read it. :4stars:

P.S. - I tried my best to resist the urge to ask, is your spacebar dodgy?

thankyouman

escorial
July 21st, 2013, 01:13 PM
All noted Greimour....cheers.

Sjonak
July 23rd, 2013, 03:48 AM
Real and heartfelt. I like the way you made the character recognize he should regret his detachment, yet he accepted it as nature(my interpretation). Thanks for sharing.

escorial
July 23rd, 2013, 11:27 AM
cheers

bazz cargo
July 27th, 2013, 09:05 AM
Stunning! So real I was there.

Would you like a SPaG work-over? It kind of feels like I'd be messing with a work of art.

escorial
July 27th, 2013, 09:54 AM
whats spag?

Gargh
July 27th, 2013, 10:19 AM
Spelling and Grammar :)

escorial
July 27th, 2013, 10:22 AM
ha..cheers

bazz cargo
July 27th, 2013, 02:35 PM
Spelling, punctuation and grammar.

escorial
July 27th, 2013, 04:09 PM
so looking forward to your work over on this piece BC

bazz cargo
July 28th, 2013, 12:14 PM
Sorry

I'm walking along an I'm thinking...how can you hate someone and love them at the same time? This couple passing me by now, are they feeling the same​? They look happy enough, then again everyone I see is having a great time and its just me who is miserable. Been going on far to long all this, screaming, shouting, lovemaking and stress. I love her, I hate her, she cries. I leave, walk around for a while, go back and say sorry. Sorry is all I say these days to everyone: Couldn't make it, sorry, sorry but I'm running late. Things seem to be going from bad to worse in that flat, with it's cheap furniture and hit-n-miss style. Not the place I imagined I would be living in once I started work and she moved in, yeah! she moved in..sorry about that too.

Could go in the pub, sink a few..na! Best walking past and head for the coffee shop around the corner, order a latte an calm down. Seated with me mug an mobile buzzing. I know its her but I just don't want to answer it, worse thing ever invented when you're in a relationship like this, always able to get in touch an disturb you. Text back instead..sorry x, don't even want a reply. If we stay in this much longer it will turn me sour, but I think I love her and you know what? I'm sorry about that too!
Opened the door, straight into the living room, she wasn't there but on the mirror was written in red lipstick,"it's over, sorry." Sat down and thought, I'm not sorry anymore or should I be sorry about that too?

Its been a couple of days now and I'm so missing her. Opening the door and she's not there even before walking home. It ain't a home now it's a flat. Nobody there but me. I got what I wanted, freedom from what though oh!..was it commitment? I don't know anymore. This is the frustrating thing for me, wanting everyone to fall at my door, I don't know why it has to be this way for me but when I get what I want my mood changes to wanting something more. I really don't know why I act this way.


When I walk in the bathroom or bedroom I imagine she's still there, lying in the bath or naked, lying on the bed reading a book. Sometimes she would be asleep on the floor music quietly playing as I bent down to kiss her on the lips and carry her to bed. Cooking for one seems like a chore, getting the groceries from the store is an effort not a joy anymore, passing the items she enjoyed, wanting to put them in my basket once more. She won't answer my mobile anymore, ignores my text messages, I know why, she doesn't want to live, be with me anymore.


Like the shutters that come down in the store to protect it, she's closed her mind so I can't get in anymore. Looking to move on and put her past behind her once more. I don't know why I let it get this way, frustrated myself and pushed her away...why can I not understand that until it's gone, I never appreciate what I had? I just don't know why.

(I have done as little as possible to this, I wanted to keep your 'voice' intact. There is so much that is technically wrong yet perfectly fitting for the piece.

1/ Leave a gap behind commas and periods.
2/ Questions need question marks.
3/ It's is short for it is. Its is not.
4/ Think about how the narrator talks and thinks. Dividing the two is easy if you put thoughts into italics.
5/ Periods, exclamation marks, question marks and commas go inside quotation marks.

I think this is extraordinary. Thank you for sharing.
Bazz)

escorial
July 28th, 2013, 07:20 PM
Thank you,really appreciate that BC....you have enhanced it for me.

agraymatter
July 30th, 2013, 09:10 PM
Praise: I love the passion. It seems obvious that this comes from a creative place - perhaps even directly from the heart.
Advice: For someone who has a really difficult time focusing (even with years of practice), reading anything that looks like a block is a nearly impossible task. Break up your passage with spaces! Like this:

[space]

See? It's less daunting and easier to read. It creates a dramatic pause and separates time or ideas.

escorial
July 30th, 2013, 09:13 PM
thanx

lowprofile300
September 10th, 2013, 10:35 PM
I'm walking along an I'm thinking..how can you hate someone and love them at the same time.This couple passing me by now,are they feeling the same..look happy enough,then again everyone I see is having a great time and it's just me who's miserable.Been going on far to long all this,screaming,shouting,lovemaking and stress.I love her,I hate her,she cry's .I leave walk around for a while go back and say sorry.Sorry is all I say these days to everyone,couldn't make it,sorry,sorry but I'm running late.Things seem to be going from bad to worse in that flat,with it's cheap furniture and hit n miss style.Not the place I imagined I would be living in once I started work and she moved in,yeah!she moved in..sorry about that to.

Could go in the pub,sink a few..na!,best walking past and head for the coffee shop around the corner order a latte an calm down.Seated with me mug an mobile buzzing.I know it's her but I just don't want to answer it,worse thing ever invented when your in a relationship like this,always able to get in touch an disturb you.Text back instead..sorry x,don't even want a reply.If I stay in this much longer it will turn me sour but I think I love her and you know what I'm sorry about that too!.Opened the door,straight into the living room,she wasn't there but on the mirror was written in red lipstick,"it's over, sorry".Sat down and thought, I'm not sorry anymore or should I be sorry about that to?


@escorial,
Vivid and creative indeed. At first I didn't know what to make of it, due to the lack of Space after Period and missing Commas all over the place. Nonetheless it was so relate-able that I had to read to the end, and I am glad I did.

You know you have something good when a fiction piece comes across as nonfiction, so I have to ask you...is this how you were feeling at one point in your life or is it totally fiction? Either ways, it's a hell of a story! I look forward to more where that came from. Cheers
LP

escorial
September 10th, 2013, 10:48 PM
I like to write as I as opposed to MC's but I think we put some of ourselves directly or indirectly in our work..cheers LP300

- - - Updated - - -

I like to write as I as opposed to MC's but I think we put some of ourselves directly or indirectly in our work..cheers LP300

distorter
September 10th, 2013, 11:26 PM
This is a very good piece. BC did it justice.

escorial
September 11th, 2013, 01:00 AM
cheers distoter...yep BC done the bizz.

Katon
December 17th, 2013, 07:04 AM
It's very poetic. I'm having a hard time critiquing it because I am not sure what is supposed to be. Mentioning grammar, spelling, and syntax is just beating a dead horse after it's been beaten hundreds of times. This has more of a poetic feel to it than it is as a story. The narrators depressed lamentation of how his life has turned out could easily be turned into a verse format, I really feel that that would be an excellent way to make this piece work. Just add several literary devices like meter, also alliterations really add a lot to a piece like this! If it is meant to be a story the I want to know more. Who is the narrator? Who is his girlfriend? Just several questions that I want answered. Other than that, it was nice.

escorial
December 17th, 2013, 04:56 PM
thanx katon...most of my pieces focus on a moment in time..one day I would like to put them all together as a story of fiction.