View Full Version : First paragraph of my novel (508 words) Mild language.

iMagine Creativity
June 3rd, 2013, 09:58 AM
The following is the first paragraph of my book, i hope you guys like it and please feel free to give me some critique, and be honest.

The busy Washington streets were more chaotic than usual. Getting around was unbearable, the morning traffic report was a mess, Erik Chase, a very successful Astrophysicist was one his way to the white house, he travelled the only way he could, good old fashioned walking, even the footpaths were extremely busy. The sky begin to fill with grey clouds, it would rain soon. Erik had forgotten his coat. He had to walk for another twenty minutes. The amount of traffic lights was unbearable, one after the other with around five minute intervals between each set. Damn It! Erik felt a drop of water land straight on his nose. Rolling down his face to his chin, from there it dropped into a crack in his suitcase. In there was the blueprint plans for a top secret project that he had to show to the president of the United States of America. The rain had become more constant, bucketing down on an angle that dismissed his hat entirely and pricked on the back of his neck, sending shivers down his spine. Every minute the rainfall increased, a storm was coming, and he began to speed walk. The amount of pollution coming from the vehicles caused Erik to feel nauseous. He stumbled; he would have fallen if it weren’t for the man he accidentally pushed. “What the hell is wrong with you man!” The man said.
“I..I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, fool. Now run along before I kick your arse!”
The streets were filled with people of ill sorts. The towering skyscrapers were like giant concrete trees, seeming to capture you with their roots, keeping you in place, not allowing you to leave. Between the gaps in the cars gasoline rainbows could be seen on the pitch black asphalt. The weather became much colder since he left his house. The cold mist arising from his mouth clouded his vision. Erik walked past a tech shop, The T.V.’s in the window blaring. ‘The situation in Russia has only worsened as of yesterday. Fires now are spreading rapidly through the country-sides, the death toll is unclear and emergency services cannot begin operation, visibility is still too low, smoke and debris is still floating in the air. Now we move to Dr. Reede for the weather report…’ Erik checked his watch, great! I’m late He thought letting out a soft sigh, as he continued walking, the faint sound from the T.V. let out the word Hail. He kept walking, this time under cover. He heard people yell and scream, and panic spread through the walkway. Erik put his briefcase atop his head and ran to the road; he signalled the nearest taxi and jumped in. “Hey man, watcha doin’?”
“Take me to the white house ASAP. I’ll pay you double.”
“No, no, no. triple, I’m already carrying two passengers” It was only then he noticed the young couple in the back seat.
“Ugh, fine, here you go” he said
The city was stubborn, the people, more so.

Thank you for reading.

Apple Ice
June 3rd, 2013, 10:42 AM
Hello Creativity,

The first thing I would say and I say this a lot, is to perhaps space it out a bit more. I found myself re-reading lines often because I lost track. This could just be down to my dyslexia.

Your second opening sentence is very long, I think that could be made in to two for simplicity.

Content-wise I would consider perhaps revising this opening a bit. Nothing really happens and it's so important to get that initial hook. If this piece wasn't small I may have stopped reading it.

I don't know anything that is to come and although not necessarily a bad thing, it wouldn't hurt just to perhaps hint and get more of a hook.

I sense this is going to be an intense political thriller or something like that and I'm sure it will be good. I'm at a disadvantage only reading the opening so what I said may bare no weight later on in the book. I'm sorry if this has come across as negative, it isn't supposed to be I assure you. Has the premise to be good I think

iMagine Creativity
June 3rd, 2013, 11:18 AM
Thank you for that, there are some people one this site that point out only the good things. As for the political thriller, it is not what i was intending on this book, i'm going to post a summary of what i will write when i get a clear idea, Thank you.

June 3rd, 2013, 11:28 AM
giant concrete trees and gasoline rainbows did not work for me....people of all sorts was hard to imagine...I did like the city was stubborn.

iMagine Creativity
June 3rd, 2013, 11:52 AM
thank you as well, i changed a couple things around.

Apple Ice
June 3rd, 2013, 06:48 PM
I personally quite liked the concrete trees simile. After reading it again I think you finish strong. I look forward to reading more if you choose to post it.