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escorial
June 1st, 2013, 04:33 PM
as i held her neck in my twisted hands, i squeezed until the last breath was exhaled and a trickle of blood past my thumb and dripped away from her chin.i stood looked around at the ocean waves hitting the shore and lifted the limp body onto my arms ,as we walked i began to cry in the darkness of the night.past the sand dunnes were the hole was dug,i placed the limp body in the grave and started covering it as fast as i could then i sat there and waited for the sun to appear and daylight took away the devil inside me once again.a couple walking the dog passed and waved in recognition of all the years we had lived in this seaside town,with a community off thousands and a pure sence of community.i waved back,stood and reflected on the circumstances that brought me to the beach last night.nearly every day for 25 years we walked this beach and shared everythink it had to give up,so many memories.it was right and fitting this should be her final resting place and with that i placed the lead and collar on the heap and walked on,tears flowing and well aware that the vet was not going to be the last eyes she viewed as a sterile room surrounded her old worn out body,

Folcro
June 1st, 2013, 07:28 PM
You write well, though I would give this one another look. I can see this paragraph being a formidable sort of obstacle course for your style. Use lesser adjectives (I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what "twisted hands" might mean) and more periods. Experiment with use of short sentences and longer ones, see what works best for the mood. Try to avoid reuse of words in a sentence (with a community [of] thousands and a pure [sense] of community). I find the overuse of adjectives to be your biggest offender, though (as it is with most writers, myself included). I like how, by the time the subject is revealed to be an animal, the grief has already been felt by the reader.

Bloggsworth
June 1st, 2013, 07:32 PM
You write well, though I would give this one another look. I can see this paragraph being a formidable sort of obstacle course for your style. Use less adjectives (I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what "twisted hands" might mean) and more periods. Experiment with use of short sentences and longer ones, see what works best for the mood. Try to avoid reuse of words in a sentence (with a community [of] thousands and a pure [sense] of community). I find the overuse of adjectives to be your biggest offender, though (as it is with most writers, myself included). I like how, by the time the subject is revealed to be an animal, the grief has already been felt by the reader.

Fewer dear boy, fewer...

escorial
June 1st, 2013, 08:35 PM
I write this way as i feel my first draft looses somethink when i correct it.

iflewoverthecuckoosnest
June 2nd, 2013, 09:39 PM
I agree with Folcro's critque. You need to learn better grammar and capitalization, as well. "I" should always be capitalized ["I squeezed... I stood"]. There ought to be two spaces after each period, and you could really be more generous with commas.
I liked the twist ending, though, and you had some very powerful images; "and daylight took away the devil inside me once again" was especially good.
Best of luck :lemo:

escorial
June 3rd, 2013, 04:07 PM
ta all...im not that clever..im on here to learn..ta.....twisted hands..guess it's about the hands holding the throat and turning the neck ,face away from view as he strangled the dog.

Quick239
June 5th, 2013, 05:04 PM
For someone who is only here to learn, I'm impressed.

As the others have already said, your grammar needs improving. Although it is an issue when writing, it doesn't need to be your biggest one.

You seem to have great ideas and your writing is quite good, albeit the mishaps in grammar and capitalization as the others explained. If I had to add anything, it would be that while your intrigue was well developed you could have gained from stretching it a little or adding detail. Although that might be just be; I'm a sucker for details.

Keep up the good work!

escorial
June 5th, 2013, 05:41 PM
ta..