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allyson17white
May 30th, 2013, 09:40 PM
It's incomplete but I went over it best I could. This was just a quick practice writing I typed up so tips or critiques are very welcome.

His sun bleached hair stood out in the early morning light. And, dispute being fourteen, his brilliant green eyes still held a child like wonder. I suppose he thought he was alone as I snuck my way towards him.
"Hey." I said modestly when I reached the waters edge and was standing beside him.
He looked shocked to see me. "Hi." He said back.
"So, what are you doing here?" I asked scrunching my toes into the damp, cold sand.
He looked at me then back towards the sunrise. "Just… watching."
"Oh." I nodded looking out over the water. It was a beautiful sight. The yellowish pink light of the sun blended into the wispy clouds, and the sky reflected over the gentle, rolling waves of the lake. "I didn't know you got up this early." He laughed. I smiled in response but it was a nervous laugh, like he didn't know if it was okay to laugh.
"I like to see the sunrise." He replied simply. I didn't know that either. I wonder…
"Why?" I asked.
"What?"
"Why do you like to watch the sunrise?" He looked at me like I had something on my face. I instinctively looked down. "Why do you come down here?" I asked again daring to peek up and see wether he was about to laugh at me. He wasn't looking at me weird anymore. In fact he was looking down. I razed my head with a little more confidence and waited for him to say something.
"I used to come down here with my mom every morning…" He didn't continue.
"Why doesn't she come anymore?" I asked softly.
"She… she died six years ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I, I didn't know." And I really didn't. Here he was, mister popularity, Kevin Forman, with his head down confessing this to me! I was speechless. "I, I didn't know." I said again stupidly.
He lifted his head again looking out over the water his green eyes now moist. "It's okay, it happened a long time ago." He stopped. "It still hurts but you know, I deal." Then he looked at me. And as if he just realized who he was talking to he gave me that look I get at school.
I took that as my cue to leave. "I'll go now." He nodded and I half walked half ran up the stairs to the road and all the way back to my house.

escorial
June 2nd, 2013, 02:55 PM
wasn't expecting it to be his mum who died,six years is a long time .

iflewoverthecuckoosnest
June 2nd, 2013, 08:16 PM
I enjoyed reading this. The characters felt vivid and real. There was some nice description, too. However, some of the syntax could use a bit of work.
For instance, "'Hey.' I said modestly when I reached the waters edge and was standing beside him." Is a bit of an awkward sentence. You might want to try something more like, "I said modestly as I walked up next to him at the water's edge."
"I suppose he thought he was alone as I snuck my way towards him." Might be easier to digest as "I snuck my way towards him. I suppose he thought he was alone."
There is also some missing punctuation and misspellings. "Dispute" ought to be "despite" and "He lifted his head again looking out over the water his green eyes now moist." could use a comma or two, like so: "He lifted his head again, looking out over the water, his green eyes now moist." I'm not so sure if I punctuated that last sentence correctly, but I am certain that it needs a pause or two.
Very nice piece, overall. I hope my critique was helpful :)

allyson17white
June 3rd, 2013, 03:56 AM
I enjoyed reading this. The characters felt vivid and real. There was some nice description, too. However, some of the syntax could use a bit of work.
For instance, "'Hey.' I said modestly when I reached the waters edge and was standing beside him." Is a bit of an awkward sentence. You might want to try something more like, "I said modestly as I walked up next to him at the water's edge."
"I suppose he thought he was alone as I snuck my way towards him." Might be easier to digest as "I snuck my way towards him. I suppose he thought he was alone."
There is also some missing punctuation and misspellings. "Dispute" ought to be "despite" and "He lifted his head again looking out over the water his green eyes now moist." could use a comma or two, like so: "He lifted his head again, looking out over the water, his green eyes now moist." I'm not so sure if I punctuated that last sentence correctly, but I am certain that it needs a pause or two.
Very nice piece, overall. I hope my critique was helpful :)

Yes it was thank you. The two sentences you pointed out are the ones that I thought sounded odd in the first place, so thanks.

Quick239
June 5th, 2013, 05:15 PM
I doubt I have much to add to what iflew already said about your piece. It was quite entertaining to read and other than a few syntactical errors, everything went smoothly. The main character got me to be intrigued about what happened to the boy and why his mother died.

I'd like to read more of your work and the continuity of this one if you ever choose to write it.

allyson17white
June 5th, 2013, 10:13 PM
Thanks I'll think about maybe continuing this.

BryanJ62
June 7th, 2013, 01:17 AM
This sounds like the beginning of a novel, not a short story. You might want to think it over and see where it can go. Some editing here and there but overall a very smooth story. It kept my interest. I felt bad for the boy and was curious of the narrator.

allyson17white
June 7th, 2013, 04:56 AM
This sounds like the beginning of a novel, not a short story. You might want to think it over and see where it can go. Some editing here and there but overall a very smooth story. It kept my interest. I felt bad for the boy and was curious of the narrator.

Again thank you. This mainly began as a little practice writing because I was getting bad reviews and comments and all that about my other writing. But you know, since people seem to like this one I might just continue it.

BryanJ62
June 7th, 2013, 05:09 AM
I've had about 50+ rejections from agents. One today, by the way. Most were nice but a handful were nasty. My solution was to start a second novel. Never stop.

allyson17white
June 7th, 2013, 05:03 PM
I've had about 50+ rejections from agents. One today, by the way. Most were nice but a handful were nasty. My solution was to start a second novel. Never stop.

Thanks, I do think of myself as a determined person. Lucky for me I have two very supportive teachers that are always telling me how good I am. That keeps me going. :)

BryanJ62
June 7th, 2013, 07:34 PM
Positives and Negatives are good things to have. Use both to motivate.

allyson17white
June 7th, 2013, 08:33 PM
Agreed.

Jeko
June 7th, 2013, 08:35 PM
I like this. I'd keep it as flash fiction; I like how the story is left open. IMO, continuing it would dilute its effect.

allyson17white
June 7th, 2013, 09:11 PM
That is also true. It could probably go either way depending on personal preference.

trg1968
June 17th, 2013, 06:07 PM
it feels like the declaration that "she died six years ago" is rather abrupt change in imagery.... maybe this dichtomy is intended but it feels somewhat out of place.

Wolf_Song
June 17th, 2013, 08:56 PM
This was really good, besides some minor spelling and grammatical errors. The best way to find these is to write it first in Microsoft Word. The have a pretty good spell-check option. Though it doesn't ALWAYS work, it works most of the time. I have a couple comments about it. First, it does sound like the beginning to a longer story, like a prologue or something. Second, I thing that it would be better if the kid/s were a little older and have the person that died be his sister/brother/closest friend and not six years ago. Pretty much anybody can get over something tragic in six years, you know? Besides these things, the writing style and the characters were good.

mlcampbell
July 11th, 2013, 02:00 AM
Great dialogue. I noticed issues with syntax as well, but I saw that iflewoverthecoocoosnest covered that. One thing I will say is show, don't tell. You do well in some spots at showing, especially with the scenery, but sentences like "he looked shocked to see me" and "I was speechless" can be expressed in ways that show the reader. "He jumped at the sound of my voice and looked at me as if I'd intruded on a dream." "'I didn't know. I-' Here he was, mister popularity, Kevin Forman, with his head down confessing this to me! 'I- I'll go now.'" These are just suggestions.