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View Full Version : A Sack of Coins (Adult language)



Mieksta
May 23rd, 2013, 10:49 PM
God, they're still in my pockets. Sweat in my eyes. My throats dry, the dust doesn't help either. I swear if I had on damn glass of water I swallow the fuckers. Gonna have to find one of the dirtier vendors. Why didn't I just turn them in. They gave us a full 18 months! A year and a freakin half! I saw the commercials, the posters, the mechanical vendors all blared the message from their speakers after a transaction.
I have to get rid of them today. I can't even use the main roads anymore. There are check points EVERYWHERE. I hate to think of getting caught. They hushed up the stories of those caught, red handed. It didn't help much but they tried. Years in prison or worse labor camps and all for a few coins.
Plenty of people still have a penny or two, but then again those aren't much cared for. It's the nickels and dimes that get you in trouble. I'd heard it was death if they caught you with quarters. You can probably guess which of the three I had. Now I'm stuck in this shit situation, illegally using the few dirt roads left in this damned country.
I'm not a bad man. I've never killed anyone, never even stolen anything. Of course the consequence, if caught, would be losing my hands. Maybe I could just throw them. But then again they'd simply DNA trace them, if found. If found. What am I to do?

Bakslashjack
June 4th, 2013, 11:36 PM
I swear if I had on (a) damn glass of water(,) I('d)(would) swallow the fuckers.
Plenty of people still have a penny or two, but then again those aren't much cared for. (Aren't cared for much.)
Why didn't I just turn them in(?)
I hate to think of getting(being) caught.

Sorry this is just too vague for me to judge beyond the grammar.

IWrite..Kinda
June 14th, 2013, 06:00 AM
Yeah that grammar just needs a bit of a touch up, but besides that the story is certainly unqiue. I'm a little confused though, is this some sort of dystopian state in the near future that... hates... coins? You've put this poor guy in a sticky situation and this stream of consciousness pov is quite pleasing. He shuffles through a sundry of possibilities and outcomes and it gives a quick yet clear view into the mind of our little man here. Should you continue it? I don't know exactly the answer to that because a continuation could lead to a unique and interesting tale, but this briskness, while leaving a lot of questions, leaves the reader to determine his fate. Anyway, really good effort on this. Proofreading is key though

MrTickle
September 4th, 2013, 10:13 PM
I personally think its worth pursuing because it interested me enough to keep reading. Anyway what isn't vampires and per-pubescent teen horror is worth pursuing i say. Good luck and always proof read (it really can tighten up and reward your work. Good luck! :)

sstokol
September 20th, 2013, 02:38 PM
I can see exactly what this is about... Government control of currency. I'm guessing you've been reading Ron Paul and or the Casey Report or your a founder of bit coin... Please tell me you have written more I would love to know how the world turns out if those guys are right about fiat money...

The_D_is_silent
December 24th, 2013, 04:07 PM
Always remember to write a scene of some sort. These seem to be the thoughts of a character, but nothing is actually happening.

DennisB
December 26th, 2013, 04:01 AM
Ever hear of punctuation?

Timb5
January 18th, 2014, 06:23 AM
I like the tone coming through in this and how you've used the sentence structure to set up the character's voice. I would love to have a bit more background detail to ground the character as I couldn't get a feel for where they are (hotel room, dive bar, hiding out in someone's basement) - could really add to the tension coming through. Also who is 'they'? (I'm assuming Government or the press in one instance). But I'm intrigued in what direction this could head in given the voice is there.

cob
January 20th, 2014, 06:11 AM
All of my thoughts have been addressed. Your grammar needs to tighten up a LOT. As for the content, I like the idea and I think the style will be great once grammar is fixed. Fewer prepositions and more punctuation will spell a great improvement from your current level