View Full Version : Unintended Short Fiction

May 22nd, 2013, 03:43 PM
Accidentally wrote this earlier today. Didn't mean to and don't have a home for it so just thought I'd share it with the world.

Because the inhabitants of these forums are the world now, apparently. :cheers:

Eve and The Snake

On the first day, the snake offered Eve an apple and Eve refused.

On the Second day, the snake offered Eve an apple and Eve refused.

On the third day, the snake sat down next to Eve and said she looked unhappy. Eve said she was.

On the fourth day, the snake offered Eve an apple and Eve refused.

On the fifth day, the snake found Eve crying. When he asked her what was wrong Eve said she didn't know.

On the sixth day, the snake gave Eve a flower. Eve accepted it with a smile then began crying again. When the snake asked what was wrong Eve said that Adam never gave her flowers.

On the seventh day, the snake offered Eve an apple and Eve refused.

On the eighth day, Eve came to the snake and asked him if he loved her. The snake knew he did but told Eve he didn't know.

On the ninth day, Eve refused to speak to Adam or the snake. The snake missed her company but Adam only noticed that his day was quiet.

On the tenth day, the snake offered Eve an olive branch; he apologised for not telling her how he felt when she had asked. On the tenth day, Eve offered the snake an apple and the snake accepted.

May 22nd, 2013, 05:58 PM
Hi Sophie,

Because the inhabitants of these forums are the world now, apparently. http://www.writingforums.com/images/smilies/icon_cheers.gif

Yep, you better believe it :hi:

I think there is a moral to this story :)


June 3rd, 2013, 06:55 PM
I was expecting some evil to show through the snake, but I was wrong. I love the structure of the writing. Great story.

June 4th, 2013, 08:18 AM
Thank you.

June 4th, 2013, 12:09 PM
Is there any significance in 10 days.

June 4th, 2013, 02:27 PM
Not intentionally, just seemed to fit best that way. I suppose symbolically it would have been better to stick to seven but I don't think I could fit the same repetitive edge into only seven days.

June 14th, 2013, 05:38 AM
An interesting take on this classic tale. It was very refreshing and uplifting. Good job

Chef Ramsy
June 16th, 2013, 10:15 PM
Haha I love this! Short but potent and funny. Question though: Does the apple represent the same apple as in the original Adam/Eve story? Or did you intend it as more of an innocent gesture?

June 17th, 2013, 09:07 PM
Not very accurate...but interesting :grin:. Good job! I write many things like this (a mixture between short fiction and poetry), but mine aren't very good. I write them when I'm upset about stuff and not really thinking about what I'm writing, I just through on paper...or screen...You said you "accidentally" wrote this. How did that happen?

June 26th, 2013, 05:49 AM
I really like the ambiguity. ^_^

July 21st, 2013, 07:10 PM
Thought provoking. In many ways.

I awaited the snake to do evil, but was brought to pity Eve, as did the snake. Did this just force me into an evil perspective? Sympathy for, and with the devil. This also immediately made me question whether or not the devil would find the snake's action's as successful.

Thanks for sharing!

July 21st, 2013, 08:27 PM
I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said.

I enjoyed reading it and I expect I will come and read it again at some point. Made me smile. Good job.



July 25th, 2013, 07:03 AM
You're doing so many different things here and I think that's fantastic. You took an old, recognizable story and completely removed it's attire and body. In turn, you're left with this skeleton. Still, we recognize such a common skeleton. Then you started piling wonderful decorations: rhythm, a strange and unusual romance, emotions not normally present in the original story, and a unique time frame, and there's even an interesting composition when you simply look at the story.

Again, this is all great. I do wish; however, that one of those decorations was prominent, but instead I grow excited to feel the rhythm and it's thrown off a bit by punctuation; I try instead to focus on the story, but find that the rhythm distracts a bit from the potential explanations and details; and I'm so excited about this 10th day! Still, I don't know why 10 instead of 7. I think: "Is this a rebellion against religion perhaps?" and I'm dying to know if you write this in spite of confinements in religious practice. So in that sense, perhaps you should have exploited that 10. Perhaps you should have rebelled more??

As I said, beautiful decorations, but I wish there was one main, dazzling, center piece. Whether it be the rhythm, the story, or the rebellion against scrupulous practices. Still, I think it's fabulous that you thought of and managed to repurpose an old familiar story. Love that.

August 31st, 2013, 04:51 AM
I feel like there's a message to this story, but I'm not sure what it is.

The snake from Eden was evil, but at least he gave Eve attention. so...evil is better than apathy? is that the message?

September 18th, 2013, 01:08 AM
To me, this is more poetry than short fiction. I liked it though, it was very funny.

September 30th, 2013, 01:47 AM
Great structure, and I liked how it ended.

October 15th, 2013, 02:33 AM
I feel like the structure of the story matches well with the story's description. I was kind of expecting the snake to become evil in a way that would show us his side of the story (from beginning to end), but I think the way the story ended is cute and fitting in its own way. Somewhat comical.

October 15th, 2013, 11:15 PM
I love how it can be personally interrupted