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CraniumInsanium
May 10th, 2013, 08:07 PM
Thanks for everyone's feedback :)

Pelwrath
May 11th, 2013, 05:43 PM
"The dirty apes had weaponry on their moon but not FTL?! ?!"

You gave no indication that he had entered hostile space. The phrase seems to indicate a known potential enemy.

"Andy engaged the inertial brakes, turned and punched his thrusters to maximum! It was time to get away from this strange planet".

Italics general denote thought not action.

I did like the talking ferret, different. There is standard info dump in this, not unexpected but, and from my own recent experience, try to minimize this. You'll have plenty of time later to provide more. Just be consistent. All over, a nice beginning. Keep it up.

Rfurness
May 11th, 2013, 08:40 PM
I actually though this was kind of neat to read, the ferret was a nice touch. "Hopefully his buoy would warn other travelers to stay away from this crazy backwater FTL challenged mud-hole." this line made me chuckle, the planet has anti-asteroid weaponry on its moon which destroys Andy's ship, but is still considered a backwater planet to Andy. I think it gives good insight into the laid back sarcasm of the character Andy, and what ever FTL is then, it must be extremely potent


Your writing is ripe wiht grammatical errors, which i imagine will be cleaned up with practice and editing. A few things that sort of stung me as a read:

Andy gave the scanners another glance, looking more thoroughly at their steadily blinking lines of red, green, blue, and orange lines of information. - the word lines is redundant

Andy shook his head, lifting up his Gamma Goggles to get a better look. After a moment he shook his head and started laughing - Andy Shaking his head is redundant

CraniumInsanium
May 11th, 2013, 09:36 PM
Pelwrah- sorry, I thought that this part right here after the sensor explanation would indicate his dropping into a strange area before his ship notified him of an attack would be sufficient. Andy being attacked is just randomly cursing some backwater aliens he's being attacked by.

"As Andy passed by the planets one moon his sensors flashed in red then in orange repeatedly. A crimson anti-ion cannon suddenly fired at him!!!

The dirty apes had weaponry on their moon but not FTL?! ?!"



Rfurness- thanks, this is definitely a rough draft, and I can easily see the redundancies you mentioned.



Just fyi, this was inspired by Bill Watersons "Spaceman Spiff" spin off from Calvin and Hobbes. Essentially a feisty smart alec space explorer going on new adventures encountering the random denizens of the universe.

My use of the italics was to mimic a comics narration(?) i.e. "an obsidian death ray crackled by singing the paint on the ship!" or some other form of indication when the main character is attacked. I wasn't sure exactly how best to portray that, but figured italics might work best.

The ferret was again inspired by Calvin and Hobbes, but instead of having a tiger, I figured fearless Andy could have someone like Rikki Tikki Tavi along to be his fearless protector and friend just like Calvin has Hobbes. Later on in the story I plan on explaining some back story about genetic modifications being made to animals to give them speech and intelligence.

Thanks for the feedback!

JamesOliv
May 15th, 2013, 01:18 PM
I like it. It was a fun read. However, I personally think you may have overused exclamation points. In particular, you seem t use them for a lot of actions such as:

with a shudder his ship dropped out of jump space!
a crimson anti-ion canon suddenly fired at him!!!

Neither appear to be exclamations or interjections. So when I read those sentences my inner-monologue reads it like it is being shouted and that's a little weird.

You wouldn't say:

"James drank his coffee!"

(Assuming you just wanted to describe to act of James drinking his coffee.)

You might write that if someone was yelling the phrase "James drank his coffee."

Just a thought.

Higurro
May 15th, 2013, 08:28 PM
I love the health and safety implications of the talking ferret! Apart from one or two punctuation mistakes (which I'm sure you would catch in five minutes) I enjoyed it. For some reason I'm getting quite a video game-ish feel from it. Maybe it's the style of action?

Actually, looking again I notice that pretty much everything is described visually, in terms of the way it looks, until the ferret appears, and then suddenly we have sound and touch introduced as well. It makes the stuff before feel like I'm watching a cut-scene, rather than actually being there, but then when the ferret comes in I can "feel" my way around the scene a bit better. I don't think this is a problem at all, by the way. It just depends on how you want it to sound.

Pelwrath
May 15th, 2013, 11:27 PM
My apologies as the Calvin and Hobbs reference was missed. Yes, I do s remember the comic though Spaceman Spiff I'm not familiar with.

AlexJames
June 15th, 2013, 06:19 PM
Lose the exclamation marks. Let your narration provide the excitement.

Lsahlm
June 17th, 2013, 07:44 PM
hi craniumI,


That was for the Brains in R and D.
If you didn't mind being attacked to get FTL
right off, back to back, i felt a little lost for not knowing what either of those initials meant. not advocating info dump,
but some sort of brief explanation or substitution might help readers like myself who had no idea what you were talking
about here.
but then you turn it around with the colored lines thing with way too much info. it completely stopped everything for
information that didn't seem at all pertinent to the immediate scene. i think that should go completely.

Wolf_Song
June 17th, 2013, 09:52 PM
This excerpt looks promising. I like the talking ferret thing, it has potential. One thing, I did notice the lack of information on the abbreviations used. Does FTL stand for Faster Than Light? If it does, than I would have had it in parenthesis after the first time that abbreviation was used. One thing I noticed was that it felt at times that you were giving off too much information, though I don't know how else I would do it. My advice is that if you are going to continue this, then spread the information out so it is given moderately and when needed.