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Super00141
May 7th, 2013, 07:08 PM
What do you think? Any ideas on what I can add/take out? Does it sound natural? I'm no councillor, so i am clueless as to what they would ask a kid. Got any more questions I could get the councillor to ask?

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Kid: You called me down?


Councillor: Yes, take a seat over there.


Kid: Ok, why did you call me here?


Councillor: I got a message from one of the teachers, they are troubled by some of your writings.


Kid: Oh, like what?


Councillor: Well, you wrote a monologue that was rather… dark.


Kid: Yeah, I remember that.


Councillor: Hows your home life?


Kid: Pretty good, I guess. Not much happens at home.


Councillor: Do you ever have suicidal thoughts?


Kid: Yeah… I do everyday… Every day when I get off the bus, I have to cross a busy road. And each day I think to myself, what if I took just one step? The traffic is moving so fast, the pain would be quick, my suffering would be over and who would miss me? My parents' sure, but that's only two people. I have no friends or siblings, and I never see the rest of my family.


Councillor: Why do you have those thoughts?


Kid: Why? Well my family moved here last year; I'm only in grade ten and I've been to seven schools already! So I don't really get the chance to make friends. Now that we're here to stay, it seems like everyone has already made their own group of friends. And it's hard to become part of their group, since they have known each other for years, and I'm new.


Councillor: Are the kids mean to you?


Kid: Oh no, I'm not treated badly at school. I mean, I'm not physically bullied at all. But I am verbally abused. Do you know what it does to you? When you're hated, picked on, spit on, just cause of the way you look? After you've been laughed at your entire life...


Councillor: Do you know what the kids are saying?


Kid: I hear what people say about me, word gets around. But sometimes people say it straight to my face. "You fat disgusting waste of skin, you make me sick" Well, maybe they're right. Maybe I am nothing but a waste of skin. But you know what? It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter if you're smart, dumb, ugly, pretty... We're all the same when we're dead... And a corpse can't laugh, so enjoy life while you can right?…


Councillor: I guess that's a positive way to look at things… Why do you let them talk to you like that?


Kid: I guess I got kinda used to it… However, the words aren't what get to me, no, most of the time I'm just simply ignored. They pretend like I'm not even there. Sometimes, feeling like you don't exist makes you want to not exist...


Councillor: I can see how that can be hard, have you ever… um… attempted to take your own life?


Kid: Yeah. I remember the first time I tried to kill myself... It was years ago. I took a bottle of sleeping pills. And my mind went blank… When I woke up the next morning, I was relieved I hadn't succeeded. I never told anyone about that…You're the first person I told that to… For a while after my experience, I was happy. I was genuinely happy to be alive! I felt like I had the will to live! But then, a year later, my depression came back…


Councillor: What makes you think death would be better than life?


Kid: Like I said. We are all the same once we are dead. And I just want to be treated equally to everyone else.


Councillor: Well, there are other ways you know. Suicide is never an answer.


Kid: You too eh? Many people say taking your own life is the easy way out… Well let me tell you it's not that easy. Your physical drive to live undermines your mind's desire to die. Your instinct to breathe is hard to overcome. Even if you can't bear living another second, your heart refuses to stop beating… *sigh* No therapy can help me and no medication can cure me. I can make everyone think I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay. But I've never been ok. I'll never be ok. I will always be one bad day away from ending this pathetic existence.


Councillor: Let's talk a bit more positives in this conversation. What's something that makes you happy.


Kid: I don't know. I know there's something but I don't know what it is.


Councillor: Care to explain a bit more?


Kid: Well, every time when I stand at the corner, when I think about taking just one step, when I really consider taking my own life… I think to myself, 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'. Things can only get better right? Well that's what I thought. But it seems everything keeps getting worse and worse… But with all the times I've considered killing myself, I've only acted on it once, and failed. If I only acted on it once, there must be something. Something that keeps driving me forward, something that's keeping me from killing myself, and keeping me alive. I don't know what that thing is yet. I hope I never do either, because if the one thing that's keeping me alive is gone, then what's left to help me?


Councillor: I can help you, but you gotta let me try. If I give you some things to try to work on, are you willing to try them first and not do anything rash for the next couple of weeks?

Kid: Maybe. Lately I've been finding myself unpredictable.


Councillor: Do you feel you are likely to kill yourself if I let you walk out of here?

Captnq
May 12th, 2013, 05:16 PM
I need info.

Type of councler? Race, hight, weight, background? Balding, bitter old man. Bright-eyed young peppy blond chick with daddy issues. Divorced old woman who smoked too much, got throat cancer and now speaks with a voice that sounds like she's gargling gravel.

The Kid: Age group. Nationality. State, city, grade, sex, hair color, eye color, number of friends, weight, known conditions? Type of parents, number of parents? Divorced parents? Busy parents? Mom cheated on dad and he's the bastard child? Is he a hermaphrodite?

What is the history between these two? The kids opening up fairly easily. Does he always wear his heart on his sleeve? Does he just don't care?

You use words like "gotta". Are you going for some sort of slang? Does the Counselor speak in a proper way? Does he have an accent? is he "Hip"? Just trying to be Hip?

I'm sorry, but it reads like "Cyberbully (http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cyberbully-abc-family.php)". I'm not trying to insult you. Really. I'm not, but it reads rather... textbook.

Here...



Kid: Ok, why did you call me here?


What depressed kid says this? You just got called down to the office without knowing why. You slump in. Slouch into your chair. You avoid eye contact and start off with:

Kid: Am I in trouble?

You're depressed. You're SAD. You assume the worst. This kid is WAY too happy.




Councillor: Do you ever have suicidal thoughts?


What the...? Is he ACTUALLY reading out of the manual, "How to talk to a Kid Who's Suicidal?"

How about some conversation like...

Councillor: (long pause) I'm just going to go for the jugular here and start off with the big questions. I hope by being blunt and direct, you will do the same. So... Do you ever have suicidal thoughts?

Kid: (Shuffles feat, wiggles in seat)

Councillor: I know this is going to sound canned, but I mean it. You can talk to me about anything and this is a safe place. Everyone needs someone. Right now, I think you might need to talk about... (gestures with his hand in a rolling fashion towards the child) This.

Kid: [Finally opens up]


I'm just not seeing the emotional connection here. It's like a safety video. I expect some guy in a suit to step out in front of the camera and start talking like a Game Show Announcer. Now, if that's your goal, it could be funny as all hell. I'm just not thinking you're going for funny.

Hope you can take the constructive comments. I know I'm being harsh, but you can do better. I'm sure of it.

Super00141
May 13th, 2013, 03:36 AM
I need info.

Type of councler? Race, hight, weight, background? Balding, bitter old man. Bright-eyed young peppy blond chick with daddy issues. Divorced old woman who smoked too much, got throat cancer and now speaks with a voice that sounds like she's gargling gravel.

The Kid: Age group. Nationality. State, city, grade, sex, hair color, eye color, number of friends, weight, known conditions? Type of parents, number of parents? Divorced parents? Busy parents? Mom cheated on dad and he's the bastard child? Is he a hermaphrodite?

What is the history between these two? The kids opening up fairly easily. Does he always wear his heart on his sleeve? Does he just don't care?

You use words like "gotta". Are you going for some sort of slang? Does the Counselor speak in a proper way? Does he have an accent? is he "Hip"? Just trying to be Hip?

I'm sorry, but it reads like "Cyberbully (http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/cyberbully-abc-family.php)". I'm not trying to insult you. Really. I'm not, but it reads rather... textbook.

Here...



What depressed kid says this? You just got called down to the office without knowing why. You slump in. Slouch into your chair. You avoid eye contact and start off with:

Kid: Am I in trouble?

You're depressed. You're SAD. You assume the worst. This kid is WAY too happy.




What the...? Is he ACTUALLY reading out of the manual, "How to talk to a Kid Who's Suicidal?"

How about some conversation like...

Councillor: (long pause) I'm just going to go for the jugular here and start off with the big questions. I hope by being blunt and direct, you will do the same. So... Do you ever have suicidal thoughts?

Kid: (Shuffles feat, wiggles in seat)

Councillor: I know this is going to sound canned, but I mean it. You can talk to me about anything and this is a safe place. Everyone needs someone. Right now, I think you might need to talk about... (gestures with his hand in a rolling fashion towards the child) This.

Kid: [Finally opens up]


I'm just not seeing the emotional connection here. It's like a safety video. I expect some guy in a suit to step out in front of the camera and start talking like a Game Show Announcer. Now, if that's your goal, it could be funny as all hell. I'm just not thinking you're going for funny.

Hope you can take the constructive comments. I know I'm being harsh, but you can do better. I'm sure of it.





Thanks for the constructive criticism! I know it was rough, that's why I asked for changes. You raise a lot of good points. And none will go unchanged. Ill post the finished script when its done, do i make a new post? Or just post it here?