PDA

View Full Version : Clarity Intro



claritystory
April 28th, 2013, 10:57 PM
“Calm down Charlie, you can make sense of this. This must be some elaborate birthday hoax, but how did Alex get me into the middle of a forest?” I tried to remember how I got here but my heart was pounding. Marianne wouldn’t let Alex get away with this. Then I noticed my clothes. They were shredded and covered in mud. I smacked the side of my face as a mosquito pierced my cheek and felt a very thick beard. I must have been drugged and kidnapped. I took off like a gazelle, weaving between trees and jumping over fallen branches. Screaming at the top of my lungs, “Help! Somebody help!”
Davenport pled for help, sprinting through the forest as tears streamed down his face. “What’s happening, somebody help me! Marianne! Gina! Samantha! Where are you?” Branches sliced Davenport’s face as he dashed through the woods but he felt nothing as the adrenaline pumped through his veins. Charles gasped for air. Eventually, he collapsed. Falling to the ground Davenport looked up into the sky crying out like a desperate child pleading, “God what’s happening. God please help me.”
Then I heard something. I could see cars flittering between the trees, salvation. My body ached and my insides burned like I hadn’t eaten in days. Drenched in sweat I struggled to back to my feet. Everything began to spin, my legs trembled and then everything went black.

I woke up to a loud siren. Dozens of cots surrounded me with lifeless bodies. It seemed to be some type of clinic. A nurse shouted, “Wake up! Wakeup! Get out of bed and exit the room. Move it everyone! Get outside, now! I leapt out of the cot and noticed that I was wearing flimsy flip flops that barely stayed on my feet. I asked the nurse, “Where am I? What am I doing here?”

“Just get outside. This is a fire drill. Follow me and I’ll explain later.

“Wait! What’s going on?”

“Tell me where I am.”

“You’re at the H.A.C. Now move your butt out that door right now.”

The other patients were just as confused as I was but said nothing. Everyone was very thin and looked to be in poor health with barely enough energy to get out of bed, struggling to exit the room. It was like a reenactment of Night of Living Dead. As I moved along following the crowd like another cow in the herd the fog began to clear in my mind. The horrific memory from the woods began to surface. Dozens of men and women came streaming out the corridor. I watched as the cattle were herded into the courtyard. Strange, my room was the only one containing men wearing flip flops and hospital gowns. All the other patients were dressed in ordinary clothing.
Once I made it to the center of the courtyard I approached the nurse asking, “What’sthe H.A.C.?” “You’re in a homeless shelter. The police brought you here yesterday from Broward General. I was told youwere found on the side of the road severely dehydrated. You were in bad shape and had no identification so Human Resources placed you here.”

“I have to call my wife. She must be worried sick about me. I have no idea how I ended up in the woods. I have to call my family right now!”

“Just relax. Once the drill is over and we get back to the room you can call from there.”

“Relax! This is crazy lady!”

The nurse took on an authoritative tone, “Lower your voice and calm down. I told you once the drill is finished you can use the phone upstairs.”
“Calm down! I was freaking kidnapped and left for dead! Are you listening to me? I need a God damn phone right now." The nurse raised her voice shouting across the crowd of people. She formed a natural megaphone with her hands,“Jackson, Jackson get over here right now, Code 4.” Suddenly, a deep voice shot through the crowd.

“Hang on Nurse Shelly. I’m coming Nurse Shelly. I’m coming.”

I saw a large head towering over the crowd. Bodies began to move as an opening was created by this stocky black man. I almost pissed myself when I set eyes on this guy. He was 6’ 5”, about 250 pounds of pure muscle and definitely not a man to be messing with. “Nurse Shelly, who’s causing problems over here,” said the giant. The crowd was silenced by his deep and powerful voice. The nurse pointed right at me. I was still in awe over the sheer mass of this guy, hypnotized by the definition in his arms. I was weak and incapable of defending myself. My voice quivered as I pleaded, “Wa wa wa wait just a second. I just need a phone man. I don’t want any problems.”
“Listen up little man. You do whatever Nurse Shelly tells you to do. I don’t have time to deal with petty phone call requests. Besides, you’re still in a gown. You just got here. Be happy you have a bed for the night and keep your mouth shut. Got it! Nurse Shelly, just let me know if this one gives you any more problems.”
I watched as this goliath brushed aside residents like little children. A man of his size understood how strength meant power, especially when confronting someone my size. That really pissed me off. I never felt so helpless in my life. This Nurse Shelly was going to regret this night. She has no idea who I am. Mumbling to myself in a low voice, “Wait until she finds out that I raise money to build places like this. I’m going to get this chick fired when I get out of here.” A voice came from behind, “I hear you man.” I spun around to see who overheard me. “These people treat residents like crap. What’s your name buddy,” asked the old man. “Charlie,” I replied. “First time here, huh. What are you here for,” asked the friendly stranger. Murmuring in shame I replied, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Doc tells me I’m schizoid, and if you haven’t noticed, there are some pretty special people living here. Before I got here I exchanged commodities but my eyesight started to go on me and I lost everything. I’m Thomas, Thomas Crown. What's your story?”

Just as I was about to explain what happened a women’s voice hollered from a dark corner off to the side of the courtyard. “Hey Thomas, who’s your new friend,” asked the women. She was wearing a pink prom dress that was way too tight, and had on 3 inch heels. The women looked totally out of place,walking towards us as her hips swayed from side to side.
Fear came from his voice as Thomas whispered, “Oh boy. Here comes trouble.” “Mr. Crown, when are you going to make that gold thing happen,” asking with a soft and flirtatious voice. Her voice became scornful, “I am sick of this place and I want to get the heck out of here.” “Bunny, I don’t have time for this. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?” Thomas spoke with a sharp tone but I already knew he was scared. Bunny did an about face in her heels making her long hair fly over her shoulder. Bunny was a petite woman with a beautiful figure and a gorgeous face, but her long hair was tangled up all over the place in knots. Thomas sighed,“Thank God. That was close. You have no idea what that women is capable of. Let’s just say she is extremely volatile.” Bunny turned her head as she walked away shouting, “I’m sick of you messing with my head. Dr. Robson’s going to hear about this. Propose one day and then blow me off the next. I hate you Thomas, I hate you.” She started tugging at her hair, clenching it with her fists as she pounded on her head. Bunny was yelling as she fell to her knees. It looked like some kind of performance in the courtyard as she shouted, “Kill me! Kill me! Just kill me Thomas! Ahhhhh, Bunny screamed at the top of her lungs. The psychotic screams brought men wearing white uniforms from allover. The orderlies circled Bunny butshe was unfazed by these men. I felt tugging on the back of my gown. When I turned I saw Thomas motioning with his head to leave and he said in a guilty tone, “Let’s get out of here man.”

“I got something really important to tell you, come on.”

I followed Thomas over to the vending machines away from this frightening scene. It was disturbing, self inflicted violence, but I couldn’t help but laugh as I quickly escaped with the culprit. Bunny just kept on yelling and vigorously smashing her head with herfists.

“Do you understand the infinite possibilities within these walls?"

“Not exactly, why don’t you explain what you mean?”

I was drawn in as I realized each person in this facility had his/her own delusional fantasy. “O.K., what I am about to tell you cannot be repeated to anyone, especially not to that Dr. Robson lady. She decides who goes where and for how long.” Thomas spoke as if his life were hanging by a thread by revealing his insightful theory. I was careful not to mock this unstable schizophrenic.
“I promise your secret is safe with me. People like you and I need to stick together,” attempting to side with him. Thomas looked around for anyone that may be listening and explained how the H.A.C. was a facility created to find gifted individuals.
“Listen to me Charles! I can save you if you let me, but you need to believe in what I am telling you. Otherwise, you will be shipped back out into the world of insignificant others. I was sent here to share this knowledge with you.”

“Thomas, what are you doing away from the west wing?”

The old man cowered into a corner pleading not to be taken away and began to shout out, “I need to save Charles. He is my last hope. The orderly was brutal as he jerked Thomas up from his fetal position, snapping Thomas to his feet. Thomas was dragged off but desperately shouted out for help, “Please help me, save me, please I can’t go back there.” I felt sorry for Thomas and the mental torture he must experience but I became obsessed with knowing what his world was like and how it fit into my reality.
Nurse Shelly began to holler for intake patients to return to the center of the courtyard, “All right move it everyone. Let’s get back upstairs, follow me.”

Folcro
April 28th, 2013, 11:32 PM
You employ good imagery, though I found the narrative at points to be a little cluttered and confusing. Part of this had to do with syntax, part of it had to do with errors and formatting. All of these are easily fixable, and I'll assume you know how to edit.

So let me talk a bit about the syntax...

I would print this page out, take a red pen, and put a thick line through every word you do not absolutely need, with careful attention to your adjectives. For example, "I was careful not to mock this mentally unstable schizophrenic." The word "Mental" is not needed, as the reader will know what you mean by "unstable." It makes the sentence sound better and removes that extra word that comes between your reader and the story. It is a light example, but every burden removed adds up, and makes the scene read that much more lucid. You probably already realize in the back of your mind which words are not needed. Have faith in your reader: You'd be surprised how little information you need to give for them to know exactly what you're saying.

As for the content, very interesting. I love the notion of not knowing--- is this guy insane or is he truthful, or does the answer lie somewhere in between? I thought at first you might be going with the "Nurse Ratchet" approach with this Robson woman, but then again the protagonist seems to be a bit of a villain himself, so again, a very interesting situation.

Tighten things up and edit. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

claritystory
April 29th, 2013, 02:13 AM
Thank you very much for your feedback. After going over my post I can see that several words could be removed. I made some adjustments if you care to look and I added another post for the Birthday Event.

Anachronomicorn
April 29th, 2013, 02:36 AM
I enjoyed what I have read so far. There may have been some grammatical errors, but I'm no expert so I could be mistaken, lol. Keep up the good work!

Pelwrath
April 29th, 2013, 04:23 AM
To me this was a better section. For me the lack of a central focus was a nice hook. Nothing to center me so to speak, keeps me wondering were this will head.

lowprofile300
May 1st, 2013, 02:55 AM
Nurse Shelly began to holler for intake patients to return to the center of the courtyard. As I entered the center ofthe courtyard Nurse Shelly said, “All right let’s get all of you back upstairs, follow me.”

@Claritystory, First off, it was funny as hell:). Second, the font size is really hard on the eyes, bring it down to one or even better, normal. When you post do a read through and fix the few grammar issues that still exist. Other than that, I loved the interaction between the patient, the nurse and the security guy. Cheers