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Fei
April 27th, 2013, 08:43 PM
I'm no comedian but my friend thought this was funny. I think, maybe.




Drawing in a deep breath, Marc thought it smelled like rain. He jumped out of his truck and paused to shrug on his heavy brown jacket. After slamming the door closed, he removed his tool box from the boot before walking down the paved driveway to the small house. At the front door, he wiped his hands against the back pocket of his faded blue jeans before he took off his boots and entered the house.


When he noticed that his house wasn't upside down, he knew his son was not home. Cooking up a plan, he swaggered into the kitchen. His wife stood at the counter deftly dicing vegetables for the evening meal while a pot bubbled on the stove. Dropped the tool box, he went to her and slid his arms around her tiny waist.


"I'm home," he said into her rose scented raven black hair, "Josh upstairs?"


I can see that you idiot, she thought, and you know damn well Josh isn't home.

He loosened his grip as she dropped the knife and turned in his arms. Reaching up on her toes she kissed his cheeks and smiled at him.

"No baby," she said."He's at the Turner's. He'll be back in an hour, how was work?"

"It was work," he said."How long is that gonna take?"

At her inquiring look, he nodded towards the pot while stepping back.

"Half an hour, maybe. Why?"

He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes, Julianne could be so daft sometimes.

"Oh nothing," he said. "I just thought we could ah, you know."

Yeah, I do know. Let's get this over with, Julianne thought.

"Oh you!" she said laughing, "Go on up, I'll be there in a minute."

"Thirty seconds," he said moving toward the stairs.

"Forty five,"

"Done!" he shouted.

She listened hard until she heard a door slam then pulled of her apron. Moving to the drawer beneath the sink she sorted through it contents with shaking hands until she found a green bottle. Dropping it on the table, she placed a glass next to it and got out a carton of orange juice. She poured in half the contents of the green bottle before filling it up with orange juice.

While the juice bubbled, Julianne went over to the dustbin and threw in the bottle. Picking up a plate with left overs, she scraped it over the bottle and stepped back to eye her handiwork. After tucking in a strand of stray hair, she picked up the glass and carried it up the stairs.

"You're late," Marc said, looking up from his crouch on the ground.

"I was making you some juice," she argued. She dropped the glass beside the television and moved toward him

"It's store bought," he pointed out. And for fuck's sake woman, the kid will be home any second, he added.


"What are you looking for under the bed? Your stuff-"


"Its in the garage, yeah I remember now." Whatever you say,baby.


"So... hey is that dust on the tv?" he asked. Frowning, Julianne went over to the television and ran her fingers over it. Marc slipped his right hand into his pocket and got to his feet.


"I don't see any-" she gasped Marc's big hands slid under her shirt and began to move upward. She closed her eyes and sighed as he planted kisses on her bare neck, the juice forgotten. When she felt a sharp prick at her side, her eyes flew open.

"Sorry," he said," I think it was my belt or something."

"It's fine," she reassured him, rubbing her back, "Honey, the juice."

Juice? Was she kidding?

In less than five seconds he downed the contents of the glass and moved back to his wife who was already half naked. Gripping her waist, he carried her to the centre of the queen sized bed. Straddling her, he drew back to take of his shirt when he began to feel dizzy. He tried to shake it off, wondering why he felt so heavy all of a sudden.

"Julie," he began his words slurring,"did-"

He dropped on the mattress, out cold. Smirking, Julianne rolled off her husband's unconscious body and started to swing her legs over the bed. Before she could get to her feet, her body went numb before the darkness took over and she too fell back on the bed.


2 hours later..


"Julianne," Marc rasped, "I smell smoke, I think the house's on fire."

"I think so too," Julianne replied, then fell silent.

Marc waited a beat then tried to move his legs. For the first time in his life, he wasn't sure his legs were connected to his body.

"I can't move," Julianne said from beside him.

"Welcome to the club," he replied."Now, what the fuck is going on?"


His wife remained silent, he could hear her steady breathing which kept him from shamelessly freaking out.

"Marc," she said. "I need you need to hit me."

"Now Julie," he began. "I'm flattered that the last thing you'd like to do before you die is have sex with me-"

"No Marc, hit me across the face," she interjected, her voice rising.

"Where the hell do you people come up with all this kinky shit?" he asked.

"You fucking idiot," she shouted. "I meant punch me. Across the face. What about that sentence is so fucking hard to comprehend?"

"You wait just one goddamn minute, who're you calling an idiot? Who the fuck leaves on a fire when she's not even in the fucking kitchen? And dammit Julianne, what the hell did you do?" he shouted.

He decided to ignore the part were he'd told her to leave the kitchen and preferred to wonder how he'd jumped to the conclusion that his wife had poisoned him.

"You're not supposed to be conscious right now, but you are. So technically I didn't do anything," she said.

"So you tried to kill me and it didn't work out like you planned so that makes you innocent?" he asked.

When she didn't reply, he drew in a breath then spat out,"Fine I shot you with something. What did you give me?"

"I knew it," she gasped. "I knew you did something to me, you said it was your goddamn belt, but I-"

"Julianne answer my question right now or so help me God I will fucking murder you." Marc yelled trying hard to lift his head. The smoke was starting to suffocate him.

"You first," she said.

He blinked. He didn't have a clue, all he knew was that it was supposed to knock her out.

"It was some over-the-counter shit. How the hell do you expect me to know?" he said.

Before she could reply he cut her off, "Just shut the fuck up while I try to get up, at this rate we're both going to die."

Putting in more effort, Marc tried once again to move. When he finally sat up, his shirt was soaked with sweat. Looking down beside him, he eyed his wife with loathing.

"If I knew any better, I'd fucking leave you to burn," he muttered.

"Just hit me," she said, unperturbed by the threat.


I've been waiting for this for years, he thought. Drawing back his arm, he hit her across the face barely managing to restrain himself.

"Again?" The bitch had tried to kill him.


She shook her head, her dark eyes burning with anger as blood trickled down the corner of her mouth.

"Hey, you asked me to," he said without much concern. Marc realized he could move with more ease and that his head was clearer so he slid of the bed.

"Coming?" he called, when he'd reached the door and realised Julianne wasn't behind him. He turned back just in time to see her land on the floor, stomach first. He watched with exasperation as his wife crawled over to her top on the floor.

"Julianne, we ain't going to a fucking picnic."

Walking over to her, he took the shirt and threw it over his shoulder. He looked down at her and grinned when she glared at him. He picked up his coat and threw it over her before he carried her and went to the door.

"Put the jacket over your face. I need you to hold your breath for as long as possible, I don't know how bad it'll be out there," he instructed. She nodded and did as he said.

Shutting his eyes, he opened the door and began to run down the stairs with his wife clutched in his arms. Stopping at the foot of the stairs, he opened one eye, then the other.

"Shit."

"What? What?" Julianne said, pulling off the jacket.

"The house isn't on fire," he remarked before dropping her unceremoniously and walking into the kitchen. He laughed out loud as heard her muffled curse and picked up the knife on the counter.


... To be continued?

Sigg
April 28th, 2013, 08:18 AM
I thought it was a good introduction to some interesting characters but without the punchline to the "joke" I didn't find much humor in it. There were a few moments where I had to suspend my disbelief for the sake of the plot, for example why Julianne thought it would be perfectly normal to prepare some juice when they were rushing to get a quickie in before their kid gets home, but who knows maybe a quick couple words to imply that this was some sort of ritual for them and juice was a part of it could eliminate that speed bump.

I actually think this could turn into a good character-driven drama, although I'd say you should just stick with the serious tone as it seems to be working in that context. So if the "... To be continued?" is directed at the forum readers asking if you should continue, I'd read more if you did.

Fei
April 29th, 2013, 09:16 AM
Thanks... Oops I forgot the punchline was supposed to be the last line. I'll have to revise the last part, guess it wouldn't work as a joke anymore. Thanks for reading

lowprofile300
April 30th, 2013, 03:40 AM
Drawing in a deep breath, Marc thought it smelled like rain. He jumped out of his truck and paused to shrug on his heavy brown jacket. After slamming the door closed, he removed his tool box from the boot before walking down the paved driveway to the small house. At the front door, he wiped his hands against the back pocket of his faded blue jeans before he took off his boots and entered the house.
'before taking off his boots and entering the house'



When he noticed that his house wasn't upside down, he knew his son was not home. Cooking up a plan, he swaggered into the kitchen. His wife stood at the counter deftly dicing vegetables for the evening meal while a pot bubbled on the stove. Dropped the tool box, he went to her and slid his arms around her tiny waist.
'He put down the toolbox, and casually walked over to her, then slid his arms around her tiny waist' just a suggestion.
I read the rest of the story, and it sounds like the 'War of the Roses' the movie. Full of drama, suspense and intrigue. Nicely done, cudos

Fei
April 30th, 2013, 05:54 AM
'before taking off his boots and entering the house'


'He put down the toolbox, and casually walked over to her, then slid his arms around her tiny waist' just a suggestion.
I read the rest of the story, and it sounds like the 'War of the Roses' the movie. Full of drama, suspense and intrigue. Nicely done, cudos

Really? thanks low!

mblank
May 8th, 2013, 11:38 PM
Hi Fei. Thanks for the story. I liked the intended double homicide idea. I didn't really get the ending, though. Where did the smoke smell come from if there wasn't a fire?

Another critique I'd like to offer is that there's a lot of back and forth in the conversation, and some of the dialogue is a little hard to believe. Trimming this a bit, and reading the final conversation out loud might be something to try.

Thanks again for sharing! I hope my comments were helpful.

Fei
May 10th, 2013, 05:15 PM
Thanks mblank, yes this was helpful.