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lowprofile300
April 23rd, 2013, 02:18 AM
“Uota kai anapoo, dena ghee wqa’now sabaa keway lu”
“He says, these are sacred lands of their ancestors”
“Megoo, ama’ waylu de panoo pai”
“He says, you must leave immediately- you are not welcome here”

“Well, you tell him that we have traveled far and we can’t go back”

“Kvee pinoo, ni ca oola noo fecazi kumaa ela noopay oopay”
“He says, your very presence desecrates these lands, and so you must leave before dawn”

“Look here, you tell him, we won’t last a week out there, there is nothing but wastelands!”

“Gudu poo doo, shinu aeno kai ne de anapoo”
“He says, the Ancients will not tolerate this intrusion upon their lands”
“Shu shi iwanuu, wapa unku wapa!”
“He says, if you are here by dawn, war is coming to you”

“War?! Hell, we don’t want no war! Tell him we'll leave in two hours tops." He grabs his comlink.

Rfurness
April 23rd, 2013, 04:02 AM
I like it, up to the very last sentence. the "let me grab my jacket" seems very sort of jokey to me. If it would take he and his men 2 hours to pack up I dont think the jacket would be his most important item.

I must ask how did you come up with the language is it real? or a variation of an existing one, or did you create it yourself. Ifso how?

Overall i like this conversation as a sort of prologue to a longer work. It throws out a whole lot of context in a short period of time - the people talking are obviously powerful (and it they deeply care about their land), there has been some sort of war or devastation to the land, this character is leading a rag tag group looking for assistance. Also it being straight dialogue makes the conversation seem as though it is taking place in some kind of sacred ground.

Pelwrath
April 23rd, 2013, 06:10 AM
Hmmm refugees looking for a home. Probably being chased/followed. The language was interesting and at least seems vey logical and thought out. I did like it, yet I'm curious as to if this is a beginning or middle?

Unconsoled
April 23rd, 2013, 07:29 AM
Hey Lowprofile!

I like dialogue only pieces. For two reasons: (I) Because, your mind more than often makes up the description anyway and you can enjoy the "talks" and, (II) aesthetically, it looks more clean and neat.

Dialogues can describe more than actual descriptions sometimes. What you wrote here does it too. Some travelers come upon a tribal land and are told that they aren't welcome there. The story is realistic and believable, because they really happen in life.
There are obviously three parties in this conversation, a tribesman ( or more than one tribesman), the travelers and a translator/interpreter.
Is the interpreter a tribesman or a traveler merely knowing there language? We might never know but it was a pretty interesting and lucid read. Well done!


“He says, the Ancients will not tolerate this intrusion upon these lands”

The "these" before "lands" sound odd and I think, obstructs the flow. It may sound better if you replace the "These" with "their". SO the sentence becomes: He says, The Ancients will not tolerate this intrusion upon their lands.

Just my suggestion.


“War?! Hell, we don’t want no war! You tell him we can be packed and be out of here in two hours tops, let me grab my jacket”

The "You tell him.....let me grab my jacket" part sounds unrealistic to me. At this point the travelers would definitely be disappointed and obey what the tribesman tell them, but their attitude won't necessarily go into this direction.

All in all, I liked it quite a lot. Hope to read more from you.

Sharyar.

lowprofile300
April 23rd, 2013, 08:24 AM
I like it, up to the very last sentence. the "let me grab my jacket" seems very sort of jokey to me. If it would take he and his men 2 hours to pack up I dont think the jacket would be his most important item.

I must ask how did you come up with the language is it real? or a variation of an existing one, or did you create it yourself. Ifso how?

Overall i like this conversation as a sort of prologue to a longer work. It throws out a whole lot of context in a short period of time - the people talking are obviously powerful (and it they deeply care about their land), there has been some sort of war or devastation to the land, this character is leading a rag tag group looking for assistance. Also it being straight dialogue makes the conversation seem as though it is taking place in some kind of sacred ground.

@Rfurness, I took your advice and made some changes at the last sentence. Thank you. As to the language, I pretty much made it up. The trick was that, I maintained a level of consistency, which gave it originality. It was effective because the dialogue was short.

lowprofile300
April 23rd, 2013, 08:32 AM
Hmmm refugees looking for a home. Probably being chased/followed. The language was interesting and at least seems vey logical and thought out. I did like it, yet I'm curious as to if this is a beginning or middle?

@Pelwrah, I like to practice flash fiction and this is just one of them. For me, it heightens the creative process and it's a form of writing exercise. So to your question, is this a beginning or middle? It's an exercise. Glad you liked it.

lowprofile300
April 23rd, 2013, 08:39 AM
Hey Lowprofile!

I like dialogue only pieces. For two reasons: (I) Because, your mind more than often makes up the description anyway and you can enjoy the "talks" and, (II) aesthetically, it looks more clean and neat.

Dialogues can describe more than actual descriptions sometimes. What you wrote here does it too. Some travelers come upon a tribal land and are told that they aren't welcome there. The story is realistic and believable, because they really happen in life.
There are obviously three parties in this conversation, a tribesman ( or more than one tribesman), the travelers and a translator/interpreter.
Is the interpreter a tribesman or a traveler merely knowing there language? We might never know but it was a pretty interesting and lucid read. Well done!


The "these" before "lands" sound odd and I think, obstructs the flow. It may sound better if you replace the "These" with "their". SO the sentence becomes: He says, The Ancients will not tolerate this intrusion upon their lands.

Just my suggestion.

The "You tell him.....let me grab my jacket" part sounds unrealistic to me. At this point the travelers would definitely be disappointed and obey what the tribesman tell them, but their attitude won't necessarily go into this direction.

All in all, I liked it quite a lot. Hope to read more from you.

Sharyar.
@Unconsoled, I took your suggestion and made some changes. Thank you. This was actually one of my flash fiction experiments to improve my dialogue proficiency. I am glad you enjoyed it.

Unconsoled
April 24th, 2013, 06:04 AM
I like this ending a lot. It's precise.

Mat
April 26th, 2013, 08:01 PM
I really like the effectiveness of this dialogue; it sets a clear scene in a very short space of time without seeming rushed. Does the word 'war' have any significance? Are the travellers and the tribesmen part of a much bigger event?

lowprofile300
April 30th, 2013, 01:26 AM
I really like the effectiveness of this dialogue; it sets a clear scene in a very short space of time without seeming rushed. Does the word 'war' have any significance? Are the travellers and the tribesmen part of a much bigger event?

@Mat, glad you enjoyed it. The word 'war' has no significance yet, and the travelers and tribesmen could be part of a bigger event. Frankly, I haven't decided yet. I am still toying with the idea. If I decide to make this into a story, it will be my first sci-fi yet. My only concern is that the dialogue situation only works for something as short as this (100-200 word story), it is not sustainable in something like a 1500-3000 word short story. Which is what I usually do.

Mat
April 30th, 2013, 11:54 AM
Could you not use it as a prologue to something much bigger? It sets a scene very nicely without giving too much away, something you could build on with standard prose.

lowprofile300
April 30th, 2013, 01:51 PM
Could you not use it as a prologue to something much bigger? It sets a scene very nicely without giving too much away, something you could build on with standard prose.

@Mat, Hey, you got a point there. I suppose I could -yes. Thanks:)

Arcwood
May 2nd, 2013, 07:05 PM
I think you should put more thought inot the ancients dialect.

Jamaal
May 2nd, 2013, 08:24 PM
"I Love it!"

I'm no writing prof... so that's all she wrote.


---Edit----

Scratch that! lol
I do have something to say... or ask?

The whole dialogue, without the "he said", "dude said", and "interpreter said". That is good :-) it makes it so clean, I like that kind of dialogue.
How do you do that? And, would it be possible in a regular (not all dialogue) type of short?

lowprofile300
May 4th, 2013, 06:14 AM
"I Love it!"

I'm no writing prof... so that's all she wrote.


---Edit----

Scratch that! lol
I do have something to say... or ask?

The whole dialogue, without the "he said", "dude said", and "interpreter said". That is good :-) it makes it so clean, I like that kind of dialogue.
How do you do that? And, would it be possible in a regular (not all dialogue) type of short?

@Jamaal, Sure it's possible. It has to have direction though. You notice the "he says" at the beginning of every other line or so? Those are the cues that give direction to the reader, and eliminate the need for "he said, she said" etc. In a regular dialogue, you will need similar cues, depending on the subject matter. But yes it's possible.

Dio
May 7th, 2013, 11:08 PM
I liked it, there's something to be said for simplicity. It gets the imagination running and leaves the reader making up his/her own setting. My only complaint was the same as Rfurness', the jacket part felt unneeded. This may have been because I imagined this man showing up at the gates of some sort of Mayan/Aztec style village but your last line implied that they had set up camp, so my mental image was hastily deconstructed.

Not everyone will have this problem I'm sure, a quick line at the top describing the setting could help. But overall it's a tiny gripe, and I thought it was great. Especially because of how simple it was. Like a blank canvas being filled with imagination.

DreamMirrors
May 8th, 2013, 01:46 AM
Excellent flash piece with quite a bit of character development held within it. With the dialogue between the traveller and the translator, you quickly establish a type of personality easily recognized within the Science Fiction genre. If you wanted to keep the jacket, you could mention it earlier in the piece to establish it as an important icon of the character. Otherwise, I agree that it does feel hokey.

lowprofile300
May 8th, 2013, 06:47 PM
double post:(

lowprofile300
May 8th, 2013, 06:50 PM
I think you should put more thought inot the ancients dialect.

@Arcwood, I will work on it, thanks

lowprofile300
May 8th, 2013, 06:52 PM
I liked it, there's something to be said for simplicity. It gets the imagination running and leaves the reader making up his/her own setting. My only complaint was the same as Rfurness', the jacket part felt unneeded. This may have been because I imagined this man showing up at the gates of some sort of Mayan/Aztec style village but your last line implied that they had set up camp, so my mental image was hastily deconstructed.

Not everyone will have this problem I'm sure, a quick line at the top describing the setting could help. But overall it's a tiny gripe, and I thought it was great. Especially because of how simple it was. Like a blank canvas being filled with imagination.

@Dio, I agree with you and the others, so I went back and made some changes. Thanks

lowprofile300
May 8th, 2013, 06:55 PM
Excellent flash piece with quite a bit of character development held within it. With the dialogue between the traveller and the translator, you quickly establish a type of personality easily recognized within the Science Fiction genre. If you wanted to keep the jacket, you could mention it earlier in the piece to establish it as an important icon of the character. Otherwise, I agree that it does feel hokey.

@DreamMirrors, I totally agree that the jacket felt odd. I felt it needed something there, if not a jacket, so I went back and changed it. Thanks

kitsunescholar
May 8th, 2013, 08:20 PM
is this part of a larger story? Your imaginary language sounds plausible.

lowprofile300
May 9th, 2013, 01:21 AM
is this part of a larger story? Your imaginary language sounds plausible.

@kitsunescholar, No, it's a writing exercise. Flash fiction.

mblank
May 9th, 2013, 03:07 PM
Cool story! If you made up the language, it's very well done. I have absolutely no knack for that sort of thing, so it's something I admire. The dialogue only aspect is also a fun angle to take, especially considering you get the scene across so well. This seems like something that could be expanded into a larger piece. Thanks for sharing!

lowprofile300
May 11th, 2013, 02:53 PM
Cool story! If you made up the language, it's very well done. I have absolutely no knack for that sort of thing, so it's something I admire. The dialogue only aspect is also a fun angle to take, especially considering you get the scene across so well. This seems like something that could be expanded into a larger piece. Thanks for sharing!

@mblank, Glad you enjoyed it.

Al D
June 4th, 2013, 03:19 PM
I think I prefer it with 'jacket' instead of 'comlink'. 'Jacket' ends the piece on a nice prosaic note, offsetting the native's dire warnings.
Also, 'jacket' evokes the common punchline, "I'll get my coat", said when one has made a poor joke or a social mistake. "Comlink' doesn't really evoke anything.
Just a thought.
(First post, by the way! I'll get my coat...)

escorial
June 6th, 2013, 02:15 PM
How can you relate to a language you don't understand..at first i thought the line underneath interpreted the above but got lost at the end..just can't put it together.

brightlex
June 11th, 2013, 04:24 PM
Hi Lowprofile, I did enjoy reading this and could quite easily visualise the scene. The language looked believable so I didn't have a major problem with it. An excercise very well carried out if you ask me. Great writing.
Brightlex

lowprofile300
June 12th, 2013, 03:32 AM
Hi Lowprofile, I did enjoy reading this and could quite easily visualise the scene. The language looked believable so I didn't have a major problem with it. An excercise very well carried out if you ask me. Great writing.
Brightlex

@brightlex, Glad you enjoyed this writing exercise. I appreciate that you see it for what it is -an exercise.

IWrite..Kinda
June 14th, 2013, 06:14 AM
Wow this brevity really entices the reader to use his imagination. It could be anything, anywhere, anytime, yet it establishes a clear story and conflict. The bold is fantastically placed and it seems to draw the rest of the tale into its orbit. Really great job on this

AlexJames
June 15th, 2013, 06:14 PM
Always a challenge creating your own language. I tend to advise against it. You seem to have done a good job, however! I liked it!

lowprofile300
June 21st, 2013, 01:38 AM
@Iwrite...kinda and Alexjames, glad you found interest in my piece and saw what I was aiming for.
@Escorial, thanks for your honest critique.
@Al D, much appreciated.