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popsprocket
April 21st, 2013, 02:32 PM
This is something that came from a dream (which was depressing as hell) that I felt compelled to write about. Really I'm just procrastinating over doing a second-draft scene list for something else. If there's anything I'm unhappy about with this it's that it has zero flow, but I'm not exactly a poet so I couldn't make it work properly.


The Boy and the Abyss
[451] words

The boy smiled.

Euphoria thundered along his veins as he danced amid the flames from which the ‘verse was birthed. Space and time stretched rapidly as the boy sang the stars into place and whispered life to the abyss. Galaxies were flung in every direction; to the corners of this new world they flew.

One by one he stopped to gaze at each wondrous creation. He did not know for certain, but the boy did not think that these great worlds were any doing of his. Rather, it seemed they were born of an infinitely improbable set of circumstances. It was a magnificent thing to behold; he revelled in it.

Time bore no meaning alongside the vastness of all space, so the boy never noticed the aging of his ‘verse as the search began. Here and there he looked, where the seeds of life bore fruit, but never did he find one to be his equal. All things began and then all things ended. It was the way of this new ‘verse. Why could it not be so for him?

Stars were born and died in a blink of the boy’s eyes as his search became more fervent. Where it had been filled with a sense of wonder and adventure fresh, all that remained was rising panic. Things were happening too quickly, and soon, he’d be left alone. The euphoria he’d felt at the beginning anew fled as his whole body turned to ice at the idea of solitary condemnation.

He stopped for long enough to watch a world cool and life begin, but still he found nothing that could accompany him on his great journey. All beings on this world appeared to live for nothing more than the briefest of insignificant moments.

Panic became fear.

A million worlds flew by with only the most cursory of glances. He knew what he’d find there. The boy knew that none of them bore one that could accompany him.

He slowed. Perhaps it was futile. Continuing the search would only lead to the despair that was creeping up on him now.

Instead he chose a spot and stopped. Completely still, he wept alone as he waited for space and time to crumble.

An eternity passed him by and the stars began to freeze and die. Planets left their orbits and their life faded. Space and time began to collapse right before his eyes until there was nothing left but the boy and the abyss.

But maybe it was okay. Because the ‘verse would begin again soon, just like it always did. He just had to wait. Hope remembered dried the boy’s tears. Yes. All he had to do was wait.




The boy smiled.

raines80
April 21st, 2013, 09:55 PM
Your dreams are freaky!

On a serious note. I really liked the way you described what was happening. You have a real flair for portraying something dramatic in easily understandable passage. I imagine this "boy" as a creator that wants to be apart of the worlds he creates, but knows he can not because he is the creator. It shows how lonely infinite power can be.

popsprocket
April 23rd, 2013, 01:26 AM
Thanks, and yeah it was a freaky dream. To make it worse it was one of those ones that felt super real. Imagine feeling like you'd always been and always would be alone for longer than the universe could sustain itself.

xwolf910
April 27th, 2013, 07:02 AM
I loved your descriptions and I agree, that must have been a freaky dream! Maybe your subconscious was trying to tell you something. Honestly, I think that this should have been posted in the poetry section because it made me feel emotions, and is beautifully written.

Doc_Thom
April 29th, 2013, 10:42 PM
Nice imagery. In this sentence: 'The euphoria he’d felt at the beginning anew fled as his whole body turned to ice at the idea of solitary condemnation.' You don't need the 'anew'.

popsprocket
April 30th, 2013, 01:32 AM
But the 'anew' is the important part, because it's not enough that the boy outlives the universe, it's happened countless times. Although, the sentence could​ use a comma.

Folcro
May 8th, 2013, 04:53 AM
I think it was providence that a Florence+The Machine song came on as I read this.

I understand your concern about the flow, and here is where I think the problem lies: this is a dream. Therefor, in my opinion, the scene should be all visual (as the first paragraph so beautifully was). Try to subdue the exposition and bring out the colors and movements. There was, I dare say, a sexiness to it. What I would probably do, is include this in some dream or vision of a character in another book. Perhaps an odd opening to a surreal (obviously) tale. Most importantly of all, you seem to understand the meaning behind your dreams and rally behind them. I love it.

All-in-all, this is a testament to your unique and wondrous imagination. I would love for you to keep me posted as to what you end up doing with it.

ForgedinFlames
May 23rd, 2013, 08:55 PM
I love the concept and think that you could really create some strong images if you slowed down to heighten the senses, showing instead of telling. Imagine the sensation a birthed star or collapsing world would create if they happened right before your eyes. What colors would there be? How can the reader be made to feel the boy's euphoria or despair (maybe by using similes or metaphors)? Good job. There is a lot of potential material in our dreams if we can listen to them, as you have.

popsprocket
May 24th, 2013, 02:46 AM
I love the concept and think that you could really create some strong images if you slowed down to heighten the senses, showing instead of telling.

There wasn't a lot of thought went into writing this to be honest. But I can tell you that it's short and direct on purpose. Imagine living out the birth and death of universes more times than you can even count. You have no memory of anything other than this repeating cycle, and no hope of it ever ending. At what point do those eons start to seem insignificant? At what point do you become such an eternal being that all of creation is just a momentary flicker in your memory?

The fact that the boy experiences every cycle as such a short expanse of time is part of what makes him so tragic. He only has some tiny concept of the horror of his predicament, but he has a child's naivety in finding some beauty in the endlessness. I think of him as being similar to Peter Pan (who is my idol) who had no concept of the tragedy of death.



I would love for you to keep me posted as to what you end up doing with it.

I have too many things kicking around to do anything with this I think. I suspect this dream came about because I already had some notions of characters who were unwittingly eternal, but I can't come up with any sort of plot for them. What kind of plot can be made to seem significant against the knowledge that you'll outlast space and time? That's the issue I kept butting my head against and all I got was a headache :P

The Jaded
May 24th, 2013, 06:04 AM
I do not dream often, and I think if that is how they can be I'm glad of that.

My main sticking point with this was that fear should grow into panic not the other way round. If I had to suggest a second improvement I might say you should try to make the sentences in the "fear" and "panic" sections shorter, briefer, it gives a hurried pace to the reader to match the thoughts of the lonely boy in his own universe.

And of course, hope springs eternal at the end, and the end becomes a beginning. Well done.

popsprocket
May 27th, 2013, 01:45 PM
Every time I read this I get a little more disappointed with it, so I thought I'd try again. I'll leave the original up there, but really don't like that it's an example of my writing. Much happier with this attempt and I feel like I can stop torturing myself over the bad flow now.



The Boy and the Abyss

The boy smiled.

Euphoria thundered through veins to furthest finger tips as he danced amid the flames from which the ‘verse was born. Space and time lept outward as the boy sang the stars into place and whispered life into the black. Galaxies were flung in every direction; to the corners of this new world did they fly.

One by one he stopped to gaze. He did not know for certain, but the boy did not think that these great worlds were any doing of his. Rather, they seemed born of an infinite improbability. They were a magnificent sight to behold, and he revelled in their beauty.

Time bore no meaning alongside the vastness of all space, so the boy never noticed the aging of his ‘verse as the search began. Here and there he looked, where the seeds of life bore fruit, but never did he find one to take his side.

All things began and then all things ended. If that was the way of this new ‘verse, then why did he endure?

Stars were born and died in the blink of an eye as his search became more fervent. Where it had been filled with a sense of wonder and adventure fresh, all that remained was creeping fear. Things were happening too quickly, and he’d be left alone again. The euphoria he’d felt at the beginning anew fled as his whole body turned to ice at the idea of that solitary condemnation.

He stopped for long enough to watch a world cool and life begin, but still he found nothing that could accompany him on the great journey. All beings on this world appeared to live for nothing more than the briefest of moments.

The creeping fear became tearing panic.

A million worlds flew by with nothing more than a glance. He knew what he’d find there. The boy knew that he’d find only life fleeting.

He slowed. Perhaps it was all in vain. Continuing this search would only lead to the despair that was already beginning to weigh his heart heavy.

Instead he chose a spot where he stopped and wept alone.

An eternity passed him by and the stars began to freeze and die. Life so fleeting had run its course. Space collapsed and time ran out right before his eyes until all that remained were the boy and the abyss.

But maybe it was okay. Because his ‘verse would begin again soon.

Just like it always did. He only had to wait.

Hope remembered dried the boy’s tears. Yes. All he had to do was wait.




The boy smiled.

cassie30
May 28th, 2013, 02:41 AM
I think that both versions are interesting. But I think the second version works better.

DainTheDarkness
May 30th, 2013, 06:11 PM
Loved it. I have dreams like that a lot.

escorial
June 1st, 2013, 04:29 PM
enjoyed,the way you describe such an intresting subject.your style appeals to me.

daltonj
June 2nd, 2013, 08:15 AM
I can't even begin to emphasize the beauty of your write, nor of this short literary tapestry. So beautiful, man. Like seriously? - I envy you and your creation(s). The epanalepsis - I believe that is the correct literary device; either epanalepsis or epistrophe; I am unsure - of "The boy smiled." was particularly prominent, regardless of it's entirety depicting flawlessness - which makes it, to me, impossible to critique. Sorry for that. I figured you'd appreciate it more or less if I merely marveled.

popsprocket
June 5th, 2013, 11:39 AM
I've read this too many times. It's like bashing my face against a wall as hard as I can manage.

Thank you all for the praise, though.

Quick239
June 5th, 2013, 04:06 PM
Although you've probably heard all the praise you can take for your work, I'd like to say that it was exquisite. You described your dream in such a tangible way that I felt like I was a part of it; either as a star in the universe which dies and is reborn a countless number of times or as the boy who outlives it while simply wishing not to be left alone in a world without light.

I honestly and quite simply loved reading it and I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself; you've succeeded in writing something most people could barely make heads or tails of.

I look forward to reading your other works.

trg1968
June 17th, 2013, 06:09 PM
I like it..the repition of "the boy smiled makes a good circular ending.

Wolf_Song
June 17th, 2013, 08:43 PM
This is pretty cool...and depressing. I like the way you describe things. I liked it. It's cool when inspiration comes from dreams. It hasn't yet worked for me though. I was relatively young when I wrote a story that came from a dream, but it didn't turn out well at all. It was about a boy and a magic dolphin (who could swim in the ground -_-) who fought giant bugs. Not all dreams are meant to be written down :)

The Jaded
June 18th, 2013, 05:34 AM
The second version is shorter, or at least feels shorter, but flows better. A good evolution.

Don't feel bad if the first draft of something is less than what you think you're capable of. Everyone starts somewhere. You started somewhere good, and went somewhere better with it - that's nothing to be ashamed of or to torture yourself over.