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BrandonTheWriter
April 21st, 2013, 02:03 AM
Found Diary - (2013)
A short about the love story in a discovered diary.

My main objective in this short piece was to establish the difficulties of Moving Away. I've felt like this in the past.

*By the way, I'm not sure why I chose Detroit. It just seemed to be the first place that came in to my mind when writing strangely enough!*

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I'm not going to ramble on and on and bore you, but you obviously picked up this diary for a reason and was curious. If you're wondering where this diary came from, then I will explain right now. I'm Steven and I'm 17 Years Old from Detroit, Michigan. Although, when you will be reading this I will be in another country. When my parents told me we were moving I was so shocked. We've been here our entire lifetime, Detroit is our home and I couldn't believe they wanted to move home. When they originally told me I just assumed that we'd be moving to another city or something and I didn't think we'd be moving half-way across the world.

The saddest part was telling my friends I was leaving, you should have seen the looks on their faces. They tried to brush it off and smile but you could see the tears developing in their eyes. I've known my friends since childhood so it was really hard leaving them. Obviously, I would be staying in touch with them, but talking over the phone or over the internet isn't the same as actually physically being there with them. The hardest part was telling my Girlfriend. We've been together for close to three years, we'd been friends long before that and I always thought we had a spark between each other. I eventually asked her out when we both left school, I was really surprised when she had felt the same way as me for years.

Seeing Danielle's face drop in an instant as I told her I was leaving was just heart-breaking. She just gave me a blank stare like she couldn't believe what I was saying. The hardest part is what came after this, she told me she didn't think a long-distance relationship would work. I did everything I could to try and persuade her that it would work, but she just couldn't deal with me being away for so long. Seeing her walk away after what she had just told me broke my heart. I just sat in my room that night crying in my arms wanting her back, we were moving the next day and I'd have to say goodbye forever.

I didn't sleep that night, not once. I'd spent the night thinking about past memories and looking at old pictures. This may seem a little pathetic to you, but I don't know who you are or who is reading this, you could be laughing at this right now or sympathizing with me depending on the person that you are. I'd hope that you're sympathizing with me, I'd hate for a monster to discover this diary and tear it up like it means nothing. I hope that whoever discovers this can consider how tough life can be sometimes and I hope I can help them in someway if they are having a hard time at the moment.

Anyway, back on track, it was the morning of leaving day and my friends all came and wished me well. I was really surprised when Danielle came also. We'd just broke up the previous day, whether I'd like to admit it or not. Hugging her for the last time is what crushed me. That would be the last time I'd ever feel her warmth again and it killed me. I remember staring out of the car window as my friends all waved me goodbye. Seeing how Danielle reacted was the hardest part. As we drove away I looked through the back window and she was crying in my best friend's arms. It killed me. As we were driving away I noticed I'd forgot something, my diary. My parents halted the car and I shot out. I ended up spending so much time that they came back and asked me what I was doing, I was writing this. I also was able to properly say goodbye to my friends and Danielle. it was nice to comfort her when she crying. I wished them well and they walked away.

I'm glad I came back to finish what I was writing in the diary. I just hope it can help whoever is reading it. I'm going to find it hard moving away from my friends and loved ones, but I will get used to it and I will feel better. If you're in the same situation as me right now and reading this diary I hope you realize you're not alone in feeling like this. If you managed to read all of this then I have the utmost respect for you, you didn't have to read this nor did you have to hear out my feelings, but you did. I really respect that, I've never told anyone about how I was feeling this day, you'll be the first one to hear about it. Thanks for reading, I don't know your life, I don't know who you are, but I really hope you have the best life possible and remember that a diary will never leave you. Go out and get one, you won't regret it.

- Steven
*I would have left my contact details here, but I don't know if the person reading this is a murderer. ;)*

BrandonTheWriter
April 21st, 2013, 02:05 AM
I'm not sure exactly what influenced this one, but it's just something that came to me tonight. It could have been the music I was listening to, but I was really influenced to write something like this. It also conveys some of the feelings I've experienced in the past and the troubles with moving and how it can affect you as a person.

It's not a nice feeling having the feeling of leaving people behind! I hope people enjoy reading this!

xwolf910
April 27th, 2013, 06:58 AM
I liked it, but it does have a few problems. I'm pretty sure a diary is meant to be kept secret to the owner of it, and in the first sentence the writer, Steven, acted like he knew someone would find it and read it. I would've called it a found journal entry or letter so that it was meant to be read by others, it just makes more sense to me that way. Some of your sentences were very cut and dry, here's the point I'm making. I've always found character actions/interactions have kept readers immersed, and illustrated a point better than just saying it through dialogue which you used a lot of. I liked the concept and I liked how you kept to the point of view you started with, the whole story.

cassie30
April 29th, 2013, 02:47 AM
A diary is secret place for thoughts. I wouldn't call it a dairy.

Velex
May 5th, 2013, 05:41 AM
Good:
+ I think telling me that I was curious worked and actually left me curious.
+ Interesting premise. I was a bit confused at first why someone would want his diary read. It all cleared up, though.
+ I liked that despite his own hardships, the author took concern for the feelings of his readers. I'm left with a respect for the character.

Bad (could be improved):
-When you say "for a reason", isn't the reason because I'm curious? The first few sentences confused me slightly.
-Developing is not the right word for tears. It makes me think of a growing organism.
-After "I didn't sleep that night..." it's just extra words to say again "I'd spent the night..." You'd benefit here from variety.
-"Past memories". Are there any other kind?
-You use "killing me" twice :p
-Spark between "each other" -> "us".


Aside from some small wordy-issues, you've done a good job telling the emotional nature of the story. The voice fits the character, though you might do well, in the future, to watch out for producing non-optimal sentences, even if they fit the voice.