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Hope123
April 20th, 2013, 08:50 AM
The first piece of writing I've put on here :) I hope you all enjoy it!

I stood at the edge of the wood, watching as the sun slowly set behind the hills ahead, the moon already shone bright and beautifully. I always felt safe with the moon up, as if it was watching over me, it was always there even if it hid behind the clouds and however much the land around me changed, the sky was always fundamentally the same.
I looked down at my dirty clothes and my worn leather armour, the sword that hung from my belt was beginning to feel heavy and every step I took, my weary legs and sore feet almost burnt with pain. I wished I was back home or that I could have stayed there and rested but I couldn't.
I took a few more steps and shifted my bag's weight to my less aching shoulder. The fight was long over but the smell of blood still lingered on me, it had been several hours since then and I had half walked half staggered a long way.
The cold wind sent shivers down my back bringing back bad memories of things I wished I had never known existed.
Images of the battle filled my head, only I had survived out of five of us. I don't know why the cold fearful demon let me live but I had to keep moving.
The memory of how my companions had fought to the death. How in his last breaths Merithor had whispered to me, as I held his hand once the demon had gone “Complete the mission, finish this strange nonsense that confuses me so, protect what we love! The green summer trees and long golden grass, our friends and family! Please promise to end this once and for all.” and I did promise, I swore upon my life I would do all in my power to end it, to end it all.
A tear ran down my cheek and over my lip, leaving a sad salty taste.
I stepped on towards the hills, wishing once again that I could have stayed and rested.
The woods were deep, dark and lovely, but I had promises to keep and I had a long way to go before I could rest. And a long way to go before my journey will end.

Unconsoled
April 20th, 2013, 09:46 AM
Hey there Hope,

I'm kinda new in this site myself, so sorry, if I make any mistake in this review.

I stood at the edge of the wood, looking (?)as the sun slowly set behind the hills ahead, the moon already shone bright and beautifully.

looking where?


I wished I was back home or that I could have stayed there and rested but I couldn't.

You are practically saying the same thing twice here. I feel, this sentence is a bit repetitive. Try rewording it.


I stepped on towards the hills, wishing once again that I could have stayed and rested.
The woods were deep, dark and lovely, but I had promises to keep and I had a long way to go before I could rest. And a long way to go before my journey will end.

Robert Frost references don't really click in fantasy backgrounds, That's what I think.

All in all, your way of writing is clear and neat. There isn't any jargon anywhere and you don't use unnecessary words to tell the story. I like this things about your work.
Yet, I really wanted to know about this "Battle" and what caused it. You could give a handful of flashbacks concerning history. It'll help you expand this story, because, as of now, it's extremely short ( not that it's a bad thing.)

Anyway, hope to read more from you. Keep writing!
Sharyar.

Hope123
April 20th, 2013, 01:25 PM
Heya, thanks for reading.
i should replace looking with watching, but he was looking/watching the sunset.
The there was not referring to home but to where he was at the moment if the story. It's in past tense so he wasn't there anymore so "here" wouldn't really have worked.
the Robert Frost bit is because I wrote this story for English lit, I had to turn that bit from poem to prose an then put it at the end of a short story :)

Pelwrath
April 22nd, 2013, 12:40 AM
Interesting, you have no names or references yet I found it interesting, like a dry red wine. Some background about what is or did happen would be nice but can easily be done in further paragraphs.

Unconsoled
April 22nd, 2013, 10:08 AM
Heya, thanks for reading.
i should replace looking with watching, but he was looking/watching the sunset.
The there was not referring to home but to where he was at the moment if the story. It's in past tense so he wasn't there anymore so "here" wouldn't really have worked.
the Robert Frost bit is because I wrote this story for English lit, I had to turn that bit from poem to prose an then put it at the end of a short story :)

*"Here" would work.

fanatastic_journey
April 30th, 2013, 02:54 AM
YOu wrote"A tear ran down my cheek and over my lip, leaving a sad salty taste.
I stepped on towards the hills, wishing once again that I could have stayed and rested.
The woods were deep, dark and lovely, but I had promises to keep and I had a long way to go before I could rest. And a long way to go before my journey will "

How are the woods lovely go into some detail.what keep yo from resting it wont hurt to explain to say you an t rest.

lowprofile300
April 30th, 2013, 03:11 AM
The first piece of writing I've put on here :) I hope you all enjoy it!

I stood at the edge of the wood, watching as the sun slowly set behind the hills ahead, the moon already shone bright and beautifully. I always felt safe with the moon up, as if it was watching over me, it was always there even if it hid behind the clouds and however much the land around me changed, the sky was always fundamentally the same.
'I stood at the edge of the woods'

I looked down at my dirty clothes and my worn leather armour, the sword that hung from my belt was beginning to feel heavy and every step I took, my weary legs and sore feet almost burnt with pain. I wished I was back home or that I could have stayed there and rested but I couldn't.
I took a few more steps and shifted my bag's weight to my less aching shoulder. The fight was long over but the smell of blood still lingered on me, it had been several hours since then and I had half walked half staggered a long way. Nice detailed descriptions.

The cold wind sent shivers down my back bringing back bad memories of things I wished I had never known existed.
Images of the battle filled my head, only I had survived out of five of us. I don't know why the cold fearful demon let me live but I had to keep moving.
The memory of how my companions had fought to the death. How in his last breaths Merithor had whispered to me, as I held his hand once the demon had gone “Complete the mission, finish this strange nonsense that confuses me so, protect what we love! The green summer trees and long golden grass, our friends and family! Please promise to end this once and for all.” and I did promise, I swore upon my life I would do all in my power to end it, to end it all.
A tear ran down my cheek and over my lip, leaving a sad salty taste. It reads like a poem. Good

I stepped on towards the hills, wishing once again that I could have stayed and rested.
The woods were deep, dark and lovely, but I had promises to keep and I had a long way to go before I could rest. And a long way to go before my journey will end.
'I pressed on towards the hills' All in all, an enjoyable nice short piece.

Folcro
April 30th, 2013, 04:35 AM
Cool start. Since I know very little about the story and I'm sure your more than capable of working out the grammatical errors on your own, let me prod at your style a bit.

What I have highlighted in red, I suggest you remove. In blue are things I would add or change.




I stood at the edge of the wood, watching as the sun slowly set behind the hills ahead, the moon already shone bright and beautifully. I always felt safe with the moon up, as if it was watching over me, it was always there even if it hid behind the clouds and however much the land around me changed, the sky was always fundamentally the same.

I looked down at my dirty clothes and my worn leather armour, the sword that hung from my belt was beginning to grew heavy and. Every step I took, my weary legs and sore feet almost burnt with pain. I wished I was back home or that I could have had stayed there. and rested But I couldn't.

I took a few more steps and shifted my bag's weight to my less aching other shoulder. The fight was long over but the smell of blood still lingered on me. It had been several hours since then and I had half walked half staggered a long way.
The cold wind sent shivers down my back bringing back bad memories of things I wished I had never known existed.

Images of the battle filled my head, only I had survived out of five of us. I don't know why the cold fearful demon let me live but I had to keep moving.

The memory of how my companions had fought to the death. How in his last breaths Merithor had whispered to me, as I held his hand once the demon had gone “Complete the mission, finish this strange nonsense that confuses me so, protect what we love! The green summer trees and long golden grass, our friends and family! Please promise to end this once and for all.” and I did promise, I swore upon my life I would do all in my power to end it, to end it all.
A tear ran down my cheek and, over my lip, leaving a sad salty taste.

I stepped on towards the hills, wishing once again that I could have stayed and rested.

The woods were deep, dark and lovely, but I had promises to keep and I had a long way to go before I could rest. And a long way to go before my journey will would end.

Notice a lot of what I marked in red are adjectives. These are the things a writer is most prone to overuse, usually out of fear that the reader won't see it. You paint a lovely, if gruesome picture and we see it fine. In fact, we might see it a little better without all the adjectives in our way.

You write well. Tighten up your voice, fix the errors and give us a story.

Belderan
April 30th, 2013, 09:55 AM
This is quite impressive actually as in such a short time you managed to get two "hooks" - the demon battle & the bag that he hasn't relinquished despite his exhaustion (makes me wonder what it holds). I agree with the suggestions made above but would add that I thought the last words of Merithor were a bit long for last breaths. I, personally, would have stopped after the word love!. Yes I liked this a lot

Hope123
April 30th, 2013, 11:09 AM
Thanks for all the advice, I will work on it when I have the time.
Yep, your right pressed on works better :)
Yes I use a lot of adjectives, I will delete or replace some of the things but a lot of the things there I like and would rather keep.
I suppose Merithor does say a lot, but I kinda like that. I wrote more about this group of people and I always made Merithor a bit full of himself, it kind of worked that he talked as much as possible even when dying ;) , but I suppose in this story nobody knows, so I might cut it :)

but thanks everyone for your point of views and advice,
Hope :)

chris-mac
June 21st, 2013, 09:03 PM
Really nice effort Hope. You set the scene very well and there is great potential for a bigger story here. I need to know much more about the main character and indeed the battle with the demon.