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vcnavega
April 20th, 2013, 02:26 AM
April came and he didnít come. April came and he didnít allow me to go. April came and I donít know what to do. I had planned it all by myself. I had a dream that Iíve dreamed alone. Such dreams donít come true.
I admit it is a sad story that nobody would like to hear. This is why I wonít tell it.
Such mistakes happen every day, even though we donít want to be alone. He seemed to be so perfect to me. I still think he is. The problem is he doesnít think he is. I will cry forever, for many lives. One day we will find another opportunity. Next time I will try to be sweeter and gentle. I did my best, but he thinks that these things never last. I disagree. He will be forever with me. In my heart I will always find that spark that makes me burn. If I was wrong, I will be eternally wrong.
I can cry, and nobody will listen to my tears. They will be quiet. They will be just for me. He will try to put the blame on me. I wonít mind, I will accept anything. I wish we could find a way back to our melodies. We could sing so many fantasies.
Now I die, even though I still exist. This goodbye is the toughest of all I did.

Dendrite
April 25th, 2013, 10:43 PM
Your excerpt features terse sentences, and quite a bit of linked repetition, which I take is for effect, corresponding to the halting qualities of speech and thought a person so resigned in misery would experience. To emphasize that, you can make those connections more overt. You begin with "April came and he didn't come.", which links April's arrival to his lack thereof, but in doing so you switch tenses. You could change this to "April came, and he didn't", relying on the same verb to carry both action and inaction jointly. Just some surface thoughts. Is this part of a larger work, or a standalone?

xwolf910
April 25th, 2013, 11:46 PM
It feels more like a poem than an excerpt.

cassie30
April 28th, 2013, 02:58 AM
It feels more like a poem than an excerpt. That's what I was thinking that's more of poem then a story.

mouseyface
May 1st, 2013, 11:10 PM
oh nice is it a poem ? : )

Teagan_A
May 2nd, 2013, 07:42 PM
I also thought it felt like a poem. I read this piece like I would a poem, not a story. Not that that makes it bad. Actually if it is a poem, and this is the full piece, I quite like it. Personally for me though, I could not read a whole novel that reads like a poem. It would grow tiring for me.

Thank you for sharing!

Lustitia
May 3rd, 2013, 05:18 AM
Well if she feels it's a story, than its a story. I thought it was quite nice.