View Full Version : Edgar Allan's Daughter

April 17th, 2013, 02:26 PM
Insidiously, as it did every night, the darkness came for her.

Silent as the grave it crept across the walls of her bedchamber, devouring the light and and insidiously claiming as its own, everything within its smothering shroud.
Elaine trembled before its creeping approach; she heard its silence suffocate birdsong and lend wing to the creatures of the night. She felt its cold fingers squeeze her fluttering heart long before it robbed the sight from her eyes, and she shivered at its closeness.
With baited breath, ears straining, she waited trembling.

She could do no other, paralysed since the fall; she had not stirred from her bed for five months. It was then that the darkness had first seized her and took her as its own to be lost in that void twixt life and death, until dawns scalpel of first light delivered her from the velvet shroud of nothingness.
Tonight, again, she awaited its return to reclaim that which once it sought to keep forever.
Black as a leech, it crept across the floor oozing from the corners farthest from the window. Inching steadily along the ceiling, reaching, stretching, it searched for her.

Elaine lay still, her eyes wide with terror, watching with hopeless fascination as oblivion sought her soul. The cowardly daylight offered little defence, retreating at the first cold touch; Elaine knew its resistance was both short lived and futile. Her frightened eyes followed the shameless surrender, as the last vestigesof daylight retreated from her walls, powerless once again before the encroaching blackness.

Her eyes straining in the gloom, fixed pleadingly on the door handle, barely discernible now as the enemy overran the dying Sun’s last defence. She tried to scream but the darkness swallowed her voice as spinning slowly she fell weightlessly into the void. Each descent she feared would be the one without end.

The lightening struck with such ferocity that the darkness had no chance. It fled instantaneously. Dissipating in a thousand directions, and ceding tamely the territory it had so patiently acquired.

The light had returned.

Encompassing Elaine in its iridescent wings, restoring her sight as it swept her from the pit. She soared joyously high, into the loving embrace of a father returned to bid her goodnight.

April 17th, 2013, 03:32 PM
I like your description of the dark encroaching on the light. I could almost see it happening and feel her fright.

April 17th, 2013, 10:13 PM
Interesting story. I suggest changing some of the redundant words; ie: insidiously, defence. Those two stuck out to me, because they both appeared shortly after the first use. Maybe try to trim down the 'ly' words as well. It's kind of heavy on them, but if that's what you're after, fine. The ending confused me. Not too confusing, but I didn't understand the analogy of wings. That is quite possibly just me, nothing wrong with it.

April 18th, 2013, 05:10 PM
Quite creepy reading gives a good sense of what the character is feeling and builds suspense. Will mirror what has been said about redundancy of words (sort of feel when reading them that either has not been read through or is a little lazy writing wise for use of a thesaurus or being over descriptive for want of pushing a word count)

Olly Buckle
May 18th, 2013, 08:24 PM
until dawns scalpel of first light possesive apostophe, dawn's.

Insiduously twice is hardly insiduous :)

She could do no otherwhen I read phrases like this I always think "Why not 'She couldn't do anything else' then?" Not necessarily exactly that, but something ordinary, your phrase is a bit like 'poetic language', I can't imagine it being used in any other context but but the sort of poetry that uses language like that, and your phrase would sound out of place anywhere else, which makes it a bit corney to me, but that is only one person's take.

May 19th, 2013, 12:34 AM
To me it came across as a fight for possession of her soul, as her body is paralyzed. The wings I took as her mind's reaction to the darkness being swept away. Yes, I could also envision the scene, a young lady in bed, all the action taking place in her mind.