View Full Version : One chapter, possibly hopeless.(word warning)

April 16th, 2013, 02:33 AM


The warmth it radiated seeped into my skin bringing back bittersweet memories. Turning towards the source, I cracked my eyelids open then just as quickly, I shut them again. The light hurt my eyes and made my throat throb. The familiar sensations cleared my head a little. That was enough for me.

The bright light started to grow dimmer until it disappeared all together. I wasn't unhappy to see it go. On the other hand, I was pretty unhappy about getting my head screwed with again. My bunk mate, Delphi was an illusionist and I was her guinea pig.

"Scarlett get your ass up," the warden sang with glee. "Theo wants to see you."

Courtesy of my dark red hair, a guard had nicknamed me Scarlett and it had caught on like wildfire. Everyone else seemed to have agreed that the more common 'red' was too much of a cliché for someone as, ah, unique as I was. So Scarlett I was.

I took my time sliding out of my metal bunk- there was no love lost between the warden and me. The mention of the yard keeper's name had given me pause. If there was ever a human to be wary of, it would be Theo. Even without his tall imposing form, the man exuded an aura of menace and power unparalleled by any human I'd met.

Dom, the chief warden of my level, bowed and motioned for me to proceed through the open cell door. Obliging him, I strolled out from my cage after flashing him a toothy grin. Free of my depressing Spartan cell, I couldn't ignore the urge to annoy Dom. I bumped into him hard enough that he almost toppled over.

"You bitch," he snarled through his yellow teeth, "Just you wait-"

Humming softly, I combed my fingers through the dark mass of red hair hanging down my back as though he weren't there. The short pudgy man kept muttering to himself as he clanged the cell door shut. My bunk mate who had been watching us both, clicked her tongue before eyeing him with undisguised revulsion.

I caught her eye and offered her a reassuring smile while shrugging my shoulders at her silent question. What Theo wanted with me was anybody's guess.

With far more force than was necessary, Dom slapped on silver cuffs on my wrist. They were made of reinforced steel infused with minute quantities of silver and titanium to keep me in check without harming me. I know this because, well, let's just say I can be resourceful.

My wrists stung a bit but I smiled at him, refusing to give the puny bastard the satisfaction. Whistling tunelessly, he led me out of my level and through several others to Theo. While moving through the levels, other wardens called out to us. The comments varied between friendly greetings and crude suggestions at my 'bountiful bosom'- the bane of my existence.

In the spirit of camaraderie, I also shot back some saucy retorts, earning scattered applauses from the prisoners. I had to talk quite a bit as almost everyone knew me, not altogether a good thing. Most people thought I was a chief trouble maker who always left chaos in her wake but I didn't agree at all.


There had been that one time I'd let out all the prisoners on the sixth level without knowing how. Of course, no one had believed it had been a mistake. Taking it in stride, I'd claimed the responsibility for master minding the whole thing. I'd desperately needed the street cred at the time so the punishment I'd gotten was worth it. After that, I'd practically soared to prisoner stardom.

"Yo, Scarlett!" Nick, a 5th level guard called out with a mischievous grin, "Honey, you red all the way down?"

I bared my fangs before I replied, "Come see for yourself honey, that is, if you're man enough to handle it."

He broke out in laughter, not taking offence as I'd intended. I continued to banter with both the prisoners and guards along the way till we reached the beginning of a secluded and narrow corridor. This time, Dom hung back and allowed me move in ahead of him. He unlocked the first door on the right and motioned for me to get in. I noticed a tremor in his hands as his leering gaze swept over me.

Repressing a shudder of disgust, I prepared to stare him down. I had just had enough time to take in the empty but brightly lit room before Dom was on me so fast, and with so much enthusiasm, that I was taken aback. His cold hands pawed at my chest while his foul smelling mouth moved clumsily across my neck. I didn't shove him away as I could have easily done, instead, I just waited.

After a few minutes, he realized I wasn't even attempting to pound him into the ground and glanced up at my face. Whatever he saw made him stagger back a few steps before he recovered himself.

"Why, Dom," I drawled out, "I'd be thrilled to be your first. A few pointers though? My mouth is over here, if you can reach-"

I steeled my body to absorb the impact of the punch seconds before it was delivered. It seemed to have hurt him more than it hurt me. Actually, I'd hardly felt a thing, being a vampire and all.

"Bitch, please," I snorted, "You call that a punch? Let me demonstrate."

His eyes widened in fear as I moved with lightening speed, curling my cuffed hands into fists and plowing them into his stomach. He sailed clear across the room and landed hard against the wall before crumpling into a large heap on the cold floor.

Sighing with contentment, I watched while he dragged himself away from the floor. When he swiped his hand across his face and it came away bloody, his ugly face contorted in fury. Before he could finish his tirade of cursing, I held up my shackled hands.

"Come now, Dominic," I said, "What would Theo say if he found you like this? You’ll always be at my feet, you pathetic maggot. How dare you put your hands on me?"

Dom, who had began to breathe hard, tried to find a suitable retort but before he could utter it, the door swung open. As they say, speak of the devil and he will appear.

Theo's piercing dark eyes quickly assessed the scene, taking in the angry bleeding warden on the ground and the innocent looking but notorious vampire standing across the room. When he narrowed his eyes at me, I shrugged indifferently. To my relief, he turned away from me to the chief warden, who was incoherently sputtering accusations.

"Shut up, Dom," he said in a cold flat voice.

"Yeah, shut up Dom," I echoed. I was happily letting myself get carried away when Theo shot me a quelling look. Now silenced, Dom continued to glare at me with loathing. Theo ignored him and nodded curtly at me before he left the room.

I went after him and winked at Dom before I closed the door behind me. I quickened my pace till I was walking right beside Theo; I didn't advertise my fear of him.

"So..." I said, "What's up?"

When he didn't even glance at me, I bit back a smile. I wondered if he was still pissed from the stunt I'd pulled last week. From the stony set in his face, I decided that it was likely. The walk was a long and boring one as the prisoners and guards shrunk back from us, cowering under Theo's powerful presence.

"Konni chi wa," I murmured in greeting to the forest nymph at the last cell in the block.

"O hayo," she murmured back, waving shyly as a smile lit up her heart shaped face. She had a pink jaguar tattoo on the side of her face which matched the colour of her delicate but intricately designed wings.

Finally, we reached a set of elevators which were operated with codes. Theo gave me a side long glance as his long fingers reached forward to type in the password. When I didn't look away, he turned and stared at me pointedly. I looked back at him. Shrugging his wide shoulders, he went ahead and typed in the password.

It was alpha numeric and consisted of eight figures which were now embedded in my memory. The elevator was warm and homely which suprised me as Theo wasn't the kind of man who struck me as cuddly. As it travelled upwards, I was busy deliberating over Theo's questionable character.

When it got to the top floor, it let out a soft ping before the doors swooshed open. We alighted at the same time but only one of us paused. The office we’d entered was stylishly decorated with a plush green Persian rug and a few hundred paintings. Apparently Theo was an art collector.
Sitting at the middle of the room, a wide polished black leather table dominated the large area and held three personal computers. I was so out of my element I was getting nervous. I was more familiar with chains than comfort.

"Theo," a deep voice said in greeting.

I spun around searching for the source but I didn't have to look far. The man stood up and looked down at me; I noted dully that I was a full head shorter.

"Byrant," Theo replied in acknowledgement inclining his head towards the striped leather chair. I sank into it and closed my eyes in an attempt to calm myself. I had become instantly suspicious of the man called Bryant. There was something not quite right with him but I couldn't put my finger on it. He smelled delicious at any rate.

I kept casting suspicious glances at him as he resumed his seat, it seemed to amuse him. I ran my tongue over my teeth in a futile attempt to soothe my fangs which were threatening to make an appearance. I was getting hungrier by the second.

"Miss…?" he began while extending his right hand.

"My hands are somewhat pre-occupied." I said with raised brows.
He frowned then motioned for Theo to take off my cuffs. Theo cocked a brow at him but opened a drawer, withdrew a single silver key and tossed it to me. I caught it and tossed it to Bryant. I'd done so on reflex but he caught it neatly. I wasn't sure if his reflexes were even human. Tossing back my hair, I offered him my wrists.

"Careful," Theo warned him as he moved to unlock my shackles.

"I don't bite," I lied, casting a reproachful look at the yard keeper which he pretended not to see. With my restraints off, I felt much bolder.

"Theo? What's this about?" I wanted to know. The bad feeling I had only intensified when Theo didn't answer.

"Dammit Theo, why am I here?!" I shrieked at him but he continued to ignore me. I cursed myself inaudibly for sounding like a caged animal. Which I was.

"How good are you with numbers?" Bryant wanted to know.

"I'm terrible, hate math," I said sharply, maybe too sharply. "Why?" My stomach tightened with trepidation as my brain tried to piece together what was happening.
"You're not a very good liar," he said with smiling gray eyes.

Theo cleared his throat noisily, drawing our attention back to him. He shuffled some papers on his desk and handed them across to Bryant. I kept looking at him as the sense of impending doom grew stronger.

"Joda," Theo said, "Bryant here has made us an offer we can't refuse..."

The world around me began to tilt, everything fading into blissful nothingness as I shrank within myself trying to escape from the cruel, cruel reality that was glaring at me. I was being sold.

April 16th, 2013, 06:18 AM
Okay, I'll assume that this is after the part I read as she is in a prison. I really liked the description of how light affected her. Having Delphi an illusionist...no sure if that fits as she was nicknamed Scarlet for her red hair. Maybe following in theme; since the Oracle of Delphi was thought to be 'seer' and she was a priestess of Apollo, the Greek Sun god. What if she was a mentalist who could manipulate light/energy to produce illusions? Since this is a prison for 'special' legendary/mythological creatures, why would they be unchained? I like it that her ability with number/market is known to Theo which leads me to think that Theo is keeping that to himself and a few others. It also needs some fleshing out, the prison, her inmates could well use some more description. How long has se been in? For how long will she be in? Nice job so keep it up.

April 16th, 2013, 08:01 AM
I just added the effect of the light so I'm glad you like it. Scarlett is Joda's nickname not Delphi's, if you remember, Nick called her that . The next chapter deals with most of the prison's details and answers most of your questions. Even so, I agree that this could be fleshed out a bit. Thanks for reading.

April 16th, 2013, 10:53 AM
How do I delete this?

April 27th, 2013, 09:28 AM
I don't think your Delphi needs to follow the oracle's abilities. That sort of charactor naming or assigning annoys me when I'm reading. It's better that her skill is different than the name implies.
The number thing with the code and the question that's asked is good, makes me want to know whats going to happen next.
More please...

April 27th, 2013, 10:53 AM
I named delphi after my french teacher in highschool. I just got into college so I heard about the Delphic oracle just vaguely in philosophy and logic. I only know Socrates? Quoted something from that. So what I'm tryin to say is that the naming is purely coincidental. Thanks for reading... I'll revise the next chapter and paste it here.

April 27th, 2013, 06:52 PM
If this is chapter one I am sorely confused, and now bored with the story. If this was a further chapter I may not be so critical of it. The description and writing is fine, it's the story that needs work. Where is Mik? Why is she suddenly in prision? Why is she scared of a human when she is incredibly strong and fast? The chapter leads to to many questions and zero answers. We now have a prolouge and a chapter, and I still don't really even know who she is, what she is about, your traits are non apparent. I have nothing to get behind and care for. Like I said the writing leaves me intrigued, but the story leaves me bored and wishing for answers. This could work as a later chapter, but I need to meet the character, and know her plight.

April 27th, 2013, 09:08 PM
If this is chapter one I am sorely confused, and now bored with the story. If this was a further chapter I may not be so critical of it. The description and writing is fine, it's the story that needs work. Where is Mik? Why is she suddenly in prision? Why is she scared of a human when she is incredibly strong and fast? The chapter leads to to many questions and zero answers. We now have a prolouge and a chapter, and I still don't really even know who she is, what she is about, your traits are non apparent. I have nothing to get behind and care for. Like I said the writing leaves me intrigued, but the story leaves me bored and wishing for answers. This could work as a later chapter, but I need to meet the character, and know her plight.

noted. the next one is trickier than I expected. Its taking longer to revise but it has all the answers. Mik is dead and gone.

April 27th, 2013, 10:44 PM
Yeah, I understand Mic is gone, but you don't make it known that this is a continuation of the beginning. Mik just dies, and his story is over walaa? Seem's like it would be impacting to her at least. Also, it doesn't show me that this is after. Did she get captured I suppose? If so I think she needs to relay that information right away.

She woke up and had seen the light many times since being captured.... Even a little sentence like that brings the pieces a little more together, and leaves me one less question to guess upon.