isaiah
April 15th, 2013, 03:44 PM
Hi again :). I'd like feedback on a draft of this short story. Once I get a final edit of it, I'm submitting it to a magazine, so I figured I'd give it a pass here first. All opinions are welcomed. Thank you.
*Formatting fixed, thanks to the help of others.
Since the first version is needed to compare the two, the original is below:
His dark brown skin glistened in the sun, like wet rocks on the shore. The hair was tied up behind a black band, and beneath it were yellow-tinted goggles which reflected the marvelous glow of the bright evening sun. Each step of his tread was fluid as he glided over the desert dust. He kept close the rope which leashed the animal to his side. Around its snout was a muzzle of chained metal. The creature cantered like a dog, but its body was too large to be canine. Its coat was white like ashes, speckled with char-colored circles. Along its neck was a ridge of long disheveled hair. The man snapped the rope to realign the straying beast.
Who was this strange hyena-man from the desert?
She first spotted him through a window about ten minutes ago. He was close to the tavern now, only about a hundred feet away. He stopped next to a post outside the yard and tied the hyena in place. When the doors opened, his strong silhouette shook her from a daydream. He lifted the eyepieces which covered half his face.
Behind the goggles were kind eyes which had aged from the sun. A rough face laid underneath. The mouth appeared cruel, but the eyes betrayed it with their warm life. In those eyes were years of stories to be told, countless memories from afar, and experience that could not be shaken. His stare crushed her soul. Within her heart, a fire ignited like she had never felt. The presence of him was powerful, but inviting, in a way that made her feel vulnerable and entrusting. He was in every way a god.
His rucksack dropped to the counter. The clamor of it raised the question of its contents and aroused her curiosity. She shifted her eyes to the bag’s opening but its subjects still remained secret. Her gut told her she was safe regardless of the mysterious pack. There was not a threatening nature about him, only a powerful poise which testified to his background.
“Water, please,” he said. The voice was deep and dry. He held out a one liter canteen and tipped its spout down.
The girl took the canteen to the faucet behind the counter and filled it. “Ninety-five kobo,” she said.
“Will you accept other payment?” he asked.
“What do you have?”
The man reached into his rucksack to reveal a miniature silver box. It was dingy with dirt crusting its edges. Parts of it had been scratched and rust had settled in the scrapes.
“What is that?” she asked.
He placed it on the counter in front of her. “Something given to me when I was much younger,” he said.
She picked up the box and tried to open it, but couldn’t. “What’s inside?” she asked. It felt light to her, like a compass or something.
“Have you ever dreamed of going somewhere else? Somewhere beyond this rock?” he asked.
“I can’t accept this. That was one liter of water I gave you, and it’s ninety-five kobo for one liter. If you have something else to trade then maybe—”
“I think you need this more than you realize. Take it and you can leave this place forever.”
She looked at the box again. It reminded her of her father’s old compass. A barking noise outside startled her. The man turned to the window.
“What kind of meat do you have? My pet is hungry,” he said. The barking outside became more ravenous.
“You haven’t even paid for your water. Please just give me something I can trade for it. I wish you to be on your way, but I can’t take this item in exchange,” she said.
The man wheezed a breath, then faced her. “It’s really simple. Take it and I’ll be on my way. We’ll both be happy,” he said. His eyes smiled.
“I don’t wish to rush you. Only it’s that if my boss finds out I didn’t make you pay, well, I’ll be fired,” she said.
“If you take it, you’ll never have to work here again. The stars would be yours. You get the better end of the deal,” he said.
The girl fetched a pound of meat wrapped in paper from a small freezer and a can of peaches from a cupboard. She placed the items close to him and took the silver box under the counter. His worn, blistered hands brought the items into the rucksack. He smiled again to thank her.
“It’ll be worth your while,” he said. “You can go anywhere you’d like.”
The girl didn’t say anything. She just stared down at the counter. The man hoisted the rucksack over his shoulder and exited the tavern. The high pitched barking ended. She watched him fade away back into the desert until he disappeared. Her hand was still clenching the box under the counter. She dropped it on top. The device sprung open and casted a holographic projection above a glowing blue center. The image rotated and flickered. It was the star system she remembered from her father’s old books and maps. She recognized the sparkling dots and their connecting lines. This was the same star map that her father had dedicated his whole life to. Tears began to slide down her cheeks. The map was beautiful just like her father’s.
A great rumbling noise thickened overhead. Glasses and bottles fell off of shelves. The room trembled as if there were an earthquake. Outside she could see the ground being shadowed from above. The rumbling neared deafening levels. She ran outside and gazed above, awestruck from the size of what she saw. It was spectacular, and for the first time since she’d seen it, she took a breath. Finally, she thought. Finally, I can go home.
UPDATED WITH THE LATEST EDIT:
The Hyena-Man
His dark brown skin glistened in the sun, like wet rocks on the shore. His hair was tied up behind a black band, and beneath it were yellow-tinted goggles which reflected the marvelous glow of the bright evening sun. Each of his steps were fluid as he moved over the desert dust. He kept close the rope which leashed the animal to his side. Around its snout was a muzzle of chained metal. The creature cantered like a dog, but its body was too large to be canine. Its coat was white like ashes, speckled with char-colored circles. Along its neck was a ridge of long disheveled hair. The man snapped the rope to realign the straying beast. It was a hyena, she realized.
She first spotted him through a window about ten minutes ago. He was close to the tavern now, only about a hundred feet away. The glare of the setting sun behind him made it difficult to look. He stopped next to a post outside the yard and tied the hyena in place. When the doors opened, his strong silhouette stepped in. He lifted the eyepieces which covered half his face.
Behind the goggles were kind eyes which had aged from the sun. Underneath, the face was rough and coarse. The mouth appeared cruel, but the eyes countered it with their warm life. In those eyes were years of stories to be told, countless memories from afar, and experience that could not be shaken. His stare crushed her soul. Within her heart, a fire ignited like she had never felt. The presence of him was powerful, but inviting, in a way that made her feel vulnerable yet safe. He was in every way beyond human.
His rucksack dropped to the counter. The clamor of it raised the question of its contents and aroused her curiosity. She shifted her eyes to the bag’s opening but its subjects still remained secret. Her gut told her she was safe regardless of the mysterious pack. He had not a threatening nature about him, only a powerful poise which testified of his background.
“Water, please,” he said. The voice was deep and dry. He held out a one liter canteen and tipped its spout down.
The girl took the canteen to the faucet behind the counter and filled it. “Ninety-five kobo,” she said.
“Will you accept other payment?” he asked.
“What do you have?”
The man reached into his rucksack to reveal a miniature silver box. It was dingy with dirt crusting its edges. Parts of it had been scratched and rust had settled in the scrapes.
“What is that?” she asked.
He placed it on the counter in front of her. “Something given to me when I was much younger,” he said.
She picked up the box and tried to open it, but couldn’t. “What’s inside?” she asked. It felt light to her, like a compass or something.
“I can’t accept this. That was one liter of water I gave you, and it’s ninety-five kobo for one liter. If you have something else to trade then maybe--”
“I think you need this more than you realize.” His hand disappeared into his shirt. It then occurred to her that they were alone.
She looked at the box again. It reminded her of her father’s old compass. A barking noise outside startled her. The man turned to the window.
“What kind of meat do you have? My pet is hungry,” he said. The barking outside became more ravenous.
“You haven’t even paid for your water. Please just give me something I can trade for it. I wish you to be on your way, but I can’t take this item in exchange,” she said.
The man wheezed a breath, then faced her. “It’s really simple. Take it, and I’ll be on my way,” he said. His eyes smiled. The one hand was still missing behind the dirty shirt.
“I don’t wish to rush you,” she said. Her eyes couldn’t help but hunt for his missing hand. “Only it’s that if my boss finds out I didn’t make you pay, well, he’ll punish me,” she said.
Seconds passed, and a frown had made creases in his jowls. His eyes flicked to each side, revealing jaundiced membranes. In one swift motion he wrenched her hair over the counter while his other hand sprung a cutter to her throat.
“If you don’t give me the water and something to eat, you won’t be leaving here today,” he said. His ruthless grip had in all stunned her. Her cheek felt broken against the counter, like scorching coals were between her flesh and the wooden top. She ached to speak, to beg for her miserable life, but found it somehow impossible. There was no wind in her lungs, only water in her eyes which started to run across the bridge of her nose onto the countertop. She felt the tip of the cutter leave from under her jawline, although its sting still lingered. The man released his clutch of her hair with a thrust.
“Now, I’m going to do you a favor and leave this here,” he said. His thin finger tapped the metal cube twice. “The water, please. And meal.”
The girl then fetched a pound of meat wrapped in paper from a small freezer and a can of peaches from a cupboard. She placed the items close to him and took the silver box under the counter. His worn, blistered hands brought the items into the rucksack. He smiled again to thank her.
The girl didn’t say anything. She just stared down at the counter. The man hoisted the rucksack over his shoulder and left the tavern. The high pitched barking ended. She watched him fade away back into the desert until he disappeared. Her hand was still clenching the box under the counter. She dropped it on top. The device popped open and cast a holographic projection above a glowing blue center. The image rotated and flickered. It was the star system she remembered from her father’s old books and maps. She recognized the sparkling dots and their connecting lines. This was the same star map that her father had dedicated his whole life to. Tears began to slide down her cheeks. The map was beautiful just like her father’s.
A great rumbling noise thickened overhead. Glasses and bottles fell off of shelves. The room trembled as if there were an earthquake. Outside she could see the ground being shadowed from above. The rumbling neared deafening levels. She ran outside and gazed up, awestruck by the size of what she saw above. It was spectacular, and for the first time since she’d seen it, she took a breath. Finally, she thought. Finally, I can go home.
*Formatting fixed, thanks to the help of others.
Since the first version is needed to compare the two, the original is below:
His dark brown skin glistened in the sun, like wet rocks on the shore. The hair was tied up behind a black band, and beneath it were yellow-tinted goggles which reflected the marvelous glow of the bright evening sun. Each step of his tread was fluid as he glided over the desert dust. He kept close the rope which leashed the animal to his side. Around its snout was a muzzle of chained metal. The creature cantered like a dog, but its body was too large to be canine. Its coat was white like ashes, speckled with char-colored circles. Along its neck was a ridge of long disheveled hair. The man snapped the rope to realign the straying beast.
Who was this strange hyena-man from the desert?
She first spotted him through a window about ten minutes ago. He was close to the tavern now, only about a hundred feet away. He stopped next to a post outside the yard and tied the hyena in place. When the doors opened, his strong silhouette shook her from a daydream. He lifted the eyepieces which covered half his face.
Behind the goggles were kind eyes which had aged from the sun. A rough face laid underneath. The mouth appeared cruel, but the eyes betrayed it with their warm life. In those eyes were years of stories to be told, countless memories from afar, and experience that could not be shaken. His stare crushed her soul. Within her heart, a fire ignited like she had never felt. The presence of him was powerful, but inviting, in a way that made her feel vulnerable and entrusting. He was in every way a god.
His rucksack dropped to the counter. The clamor of it raised the question of its contents and aroused her curiosity. She shifted her eyes to the bag’s opening but its subjects still remained secret. Her gut told her she was safe regardless of the mysterious pack. There was not a threatening nature about him, only a powerful poise which testified to his background.
“Water, please,” he said. The voice was deep and dry. He held out a one liter canteen and tipped its spout down.
The girl took the canteen to the faucet behind the counter and filled it. “Ninety-five kobo,” she said.
“Will you accept other payment?” he asked.
“What do you have?”
The man reached into his rucksack to reveal a miniature silver box. It was dingy with dirt crusting its edges. Parts of it had been scratched and rust had settled in the scrapes.
“What is that?” she asked.
He placed it on the counter in front of her. “Something given to me when I was much younger,” he said.
She picked up the box and tried to open it, but couldn’t. “What’s inside?” she asked. It felt light to her, like a compass or something.
“Have you ever dreamed of going somewhere else? Somewhere beyond this rock?” he asked.
“I can’t accept this. That was one liter of water I gave you, and it’s ninety-five kobo for one liter. If you have something else to trade then maybe—”
“I think you need this more than you realize. Take it and you can leave this place forever.”
She looked at the box again. It reminded her of her father’s old compass. A barking noise outside startled her. The man turned to the window.
“What kind of meat do you have? My pet is hungry,” he said. The barking outside became more ravenous.
“You haven’t even paid for your water. Please just give me something I can trade for it. I wish you to be on your way, but I can’t take this item in exchange,” she said.
The man wheezed a breath, then faced her. “It’s really simple. Take it and I’ll be on my way. We’ll both be happy,” he said. His eyes smiled.
“I don’t wish to rush you. Only it’s that if my boss finds out I didn’t make you pay, well, I’ll be fired,” she said.
“If you take it, you’ll never have to work here again. The stars would be yours. You get the better end of the deal,” he said.
The girl fetched a pound of meat wrapped in paper from a small freezer and a can of peaches from a cupboard. She placed the items close to him and took the silver box under the counter. His worn, blistered hands brought the items into the rucksack. He smiled again to thank her.
“It’ll be worth your while,” he said. “You can go anywhere you’d like.”
The girl didn’t say anything. She just stared down at the counter. The man hoisted the rucksack over his shoulder and exited the tavern. The high pitched barking ended. She watched him fade away back into the desert until he disappeared. Her hand was still clenching the box under the counter. She dropped it on top. The device sprung open and casted a holographic projection above a glowing blue center. The image rotated and flickered. It was the star system she remembered from her father’s old books and maps. She recognized the sparkling dots and their connecting lines. This was the same star map that her father had dedicated his whole life to. Tears began to slide down her cheeks. The map was beautiful just like her father’s.
A great rumbling noise thickened overhead. Glasses and bottles fell off of shelves. The room trembled as if there were an earthquake. Outside she could see the ground being shadowed from above. The rumbling neared deafening levels. She ran outside and gazed above, awestruck from the size of what she saw. It was spectacular, and for the first time since she’d seen it, she took a breath. Finally, she thought. Finally, I can go home.
UPDATED WITH THE LATEST EDIT:
The Hyena-Man
His dark brown skin glistened in the sun, like wet rocks on the shore. His hair was tied up behind a black band, and beneath it were yellow-tinted goggles which reflected the marvelous glow of the bright evening sun. Each of his steps were fluid as he moved over the desert dust. He kept close the rope which leashed the animal to his side. Around its snout was a muzzle of chained metal. The creature cantered like a dog, but its body was too large to be canine. Its coat was white like ashes, speckled with char-colored circles. Along its neck was a ridge of long disheveled hair. The man snapped the rope to realign the straying beast. It was a hyena, she realized.
She first spotted him through a window about ten minutes ago. He was close to the tavern now, only about a hundred feet away. The glare of the setting sun behind him made it difficult to look. He stopped next to a post outside the yard and tied the hyena in place. When the doors opened, his strong silhouette stepped in. He lifted the eyepieces which covered half his face.
Behind the goggles were kind eyes which had aged from the sun. Underneath, the face was rough and coarse. The mouth appeared cruel, but the eyes countered it with their warm life. In those eyes were years of stories to be told, countless memories from afar, and experience that could not be shaken. His stare crushed her soul. Within her heart, a fire ignited like she had never felt. The presence of him was powerful, but inviting, in a way that made her feel vulnerable yet safe. He was in every way beyond human.
His rucksack dropped to the counter. The clamor of it raised the question of its contents and aroused her curiosity. She shifted her eyes to the bag’s opening but its subjects still remained secret. Her gut told her she was safe regardless of the mysterious pack. He had not a threatening nature about him, only a powerful poise which testified of his background.
“Water, please,” he said. The voice was deep and dry. He held out a one liter canteen and tipped its spout down.
The girl took the canteen to the faucet behind the counter and filled it. “Ninety-five kobo,” she said.
“Will you accept other payment?” he asked.
“What do you have?”
The man reached into his rucksack to reveal a miniature silver box. It was dingy with dirt crusting its edges. Parts of it had been scratched and rust had settled in the scrapes.
“What is that?” she asked.
He placed it on the counter in front of her. “Something given to me when I was much younger,” he said.
She picked up the box and tried to open it, but couldn’t. “What’s inside?” she asked. It felt light to her, like a compass or something.
“I can’t accept this. That was one liter of water I gave you, and it’s ninety-five kobo for one liter. If you have something else to trade then maybe--”
“I think you need this more than you realize.” His hand disappeared into his shirt. It then occurred to her that they were alone.
She looked at the box again. It reminded her of her father’s old compass. A barking noise outside startled her. The man turned to the window.
“What kind of meat do you have? My pet is hungry,” he said. The barking outside became more ravenous.
“You haven’t even paid for your water. Please just give me something I can trade for it. I wish you to be on your way, but I can’t take this item in exchange,” she said.
The man wheezed a breath, then faced her. “It’s really simple. Take it, and I’ll be on my way,” he said. His eyes smiled. The one hand was still missing behind the dirty shirt.
“I don’t wish to rush you,” she said. Her eyes couldn’t help but hunt for his missing hand. “Only it’s that if my boss finds out I didn’t make you pay, well, he’ll punish me,” she said.
Seconds passed, and a frown had made creases in his jowls. His eyes flicked to each side, revealing jaundiced membranes. In one swift motion he wrenched her hair over the counter while his other hand sprung a cutter to her throat.
“If you don’t give me the water and something to eat, you won’t be leaving here today,” he said. His ruthless grip had in all stunned her. Her cheek felt broken against the counter, like scorching coals were between her flesh and the wooden top. She ached to speak, to beg for her miserable life, but found it somehow impossible. There was no wind in her lungs, only water in her eyes which started to run across the bridge of her nose onto the countertop. She felt the tip of the cutter leave from under her jawline, although its sting still lingered. The man released his clutch of her hair with a thrust.
“Now, I’m going to do you a favor and leave this here,” he said. His thin finger tapped the metal cube twice. “The water, please. And meal.”
The girl then fetched a pound of meat wrapped in paper from a small freezer and a can of peaches from a cupboard. She placed the items close to him and took the silver box under the counter. His worn, blistered hands brought the items into the rucksack. He smiled again to thank her.
The girl didn’t say anything. She just stared down at the counter. The man hoisted the rucksack over his shoulder and left the tavern. The high pitched barking ended. She watched him fade away back into the desert until he disappeared. Her hand was still clenching the box under the counter. She dropped it on top. The device popped open and cast a holographic projection above a glowing blue center. The image rotated and flickered. It was the star system she remembered from her father’s old books and maps. She recognized the sparkling dots and their connecting lines. This was the same star map that her father had dedicated his whole life to. Tears began to slide down her cheeks. The map was beautiful just like her father’s.
A great rumbling noise thickened overhead. Glasses and bottles fell off of shelves. The room trembled as if there were an earthquake. Outside she could see the ground being shadowed from above. The rumbling neared deafening levels. She ran outside and gazed up, awestruck by the size of what she saw above. It was spectacular, and for the first time since she’d seen it, she took a breath. Finally, she thought. Finally, I can go home.