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View Full Version : Prologue-Does it interest you? Why not?



Fei
April 14th, 2013, 07:34 PM
I have too much to say about this to say anything at all. I revised it from what I wrote before so I'd like comments, suggestions, critiques thank you. If you like ;) say why and vice versa.


The harsh winds blew with a vengeance making us snuggle deeper within our furs. The menace it exuded made me wonder if it was condemning us for what we were about to do. It didn't matter, we would still do it.

The loathsome blood sucker had to burn. He would feel the sting of our blades and the sharpness of our stakes this day. He would be the first to greet the dawn- with his head impaled on a pike.


Our leader, Tynan, signaled to the archers who moved forward to position themselves in an arc around the pyre where the creature had been bound. His hands and feet had been shackled and he hung half naked, his trousers bloodied after his final beating.


We used our best metal and rope to bind him and our finest wood for the pyre. We'd been prepared to sacrifice the best of what we had if only we could see the monster meet its end.


Our village sat at the peak of the Ivory Mountains, isolated from the rest of the world- if there were a rest of the world. We'd lived here for so long that none of us could recall a time when we didn't live here. It had almost been a year ago since the vampyre had also settled here, living with us, feeding on us.


We had been his next hunting ground, he’d known we would be easy pickings. He’d had a century to hone his skills, more than a lifetime to learn to hide his secrets. He had mutilated our women, slaughtered our fattest livestock and murdered our Laird's son while he’d drunk wine with the men and flirted with their wives.


It was time for retribution.


I shifted in the snow impatiently. My mother stood a few paces away, crooning soothingly to my step son. I managed a smile, the boy was always hungry. Just then, the vampyre moved and all thoughts of my step son fled from my mind.


A hush fell throughout the crowd of blood thirsty villagers waiting eagerly with their weapons clutched to their chests.The vampyre woke leisurely, almost lazily, I knew it was a deliberate ploy. His eyes wandered over us briefly before he looked away, as if bored. Contrary to our intentions, the bitter cold was having no effect on him.


Snow laden winds blew, tousling his dark blonde hair and leaving trails of snow between the golden locks. I hated myself for even noticing but my greedy eyes roamed even further down his body. Licking my lips nervously, I felt my grip on my spear weaken. Following the trail the hair on his chest led, I realized my thoughts were taking a turn for the worse. As my eyes jerked back to his, I could feel my face heat up. His jade green eyes stared back at me knowingly.


Out of nowhere, I heard his voice though his lips did not move. It was almost like a whisper to very soul, I felt shivers run down my back. They were not the type induced by fear. Lust, pure and wicked coursed through my body.


I almost hated myself as much as I hated the damned creature. If I could be attracted to a monster, maybe I was damned too. His husky voice continued to call to me like a siren's deadly song...


"Joda, wake up."


I moaned and turned over to my side.


"Did you have the same dream again?" the voice inquired, insisting on carrying on. The fingers tangled in my unruly dark red hair disappeared as swiftly as they had appeared.


"Yes, Mikhail," I drew out as I finally sat up. The room was pitch dark but I could still see beyond the walls. Quite easily in fact. I was vampire.


"Go back to sleep little one," Mikhail said, his eyes closed, he was already half asleep again, "As you can see, it is not yet our time."


Now I was just annoyed he made me get up in the first place. The sun was already setting but it wasn't completely gone, not yet. I lay back beside him and looked up at the ceiling. I'd had the same dream too many times to know that I wouldn't be going back to sleep, at least not right away.


I tried several times to clear my head but I was still too shaken by my visit to the past. My past. The life I'd lived countless decades ago, when would it stop haunting me? The day I'd met Mikhail had changed me forever but I was stuck with him, no use complaining.

I stretched my limbs as much as I was able to- Mikhail's large body had managed to occupy three quarters of the king sized bed. The silk bed sheet had been mangled beyond recognition. That was a usual occurrence so I wasn't worried, the hotel staff were used to the large number of peculiarities associated with our penthouse suite. We paid them enough to keep their mouths shut.


Smiling, I visualized the room mentally as I sometimes did with the help of my heightened senses. It was by far the most luxurious lodgings we'd acquired. With his head for business and my strange ability to predict the movement of stocks in the market, we were very well off.


Mikhail had always said I'd be invaluable to any human company. They'd probably use me to fill their bank accounts and then get rid of me- or try anyway. It was just one of the reasons we had to keep my ability a secret. And boy, did we have secrets.


We'd never stayed in one place long enough for our neighbors to notice that we did not age, among other things. We remained forever young. Sometimes it felt like a curse.


Another secret was that we were most vulnerable now, the period when the sun was setting. The irony of it never ceased to amaze me. Being at our weakest mere moments before we became our strongest.


Mik had cautioned me to be on the alert. If there was ever a time to kill a vampire, it was then. But then he'd added that the attacker had best be successful or his first try would be his last. The humans posed a larger threat than they had a decade ago, we needed to be more careful but Mik was still so arrogant. The man never took his own advise.


I tried once again to get some rest, turning away from my sleeping partner. Since he’d turned me, he'd been father, brother, lover and friend to me. He'd also been my protector and jailer. The blood bond that held us would keep me at his side for eternity. Thinking about things like this make me feel tired, it was even worse because I was awake before full dark.


In the split second it took me to shut my eyes, my entire world changed.


I heard a crack in the window- the air had hardly been disturbed. Human ears would never have detected it. I was out of the bed in a flash, landing lightly on the balls of my feet and dropping into a fighting stance like Mikhail had taught me.

Mikhail.

A pile of dust sat were he'd slept a second before. At the centre of the pile lay a single silver arrow, it was hardly longer than my arm. Panic began to bubble inside my throat, Mikhail was dead and I was alone for the first time since I'd become a vampire.


Though his body was gone, his essence lingered for a few moments which was just long enough for him to pass on one final instruction:


"Run."

Pelwrath
April 14th, 2013, 08:34 PM
I liked the intro very much, then discovering it was a dream sequence a bit disappointing. Perhaps if you had her free him as he had controlled her but she hadn't turned yet, would add something. If they were attacked at their most vulnerable time, it would seem that 'hunters' attacked them, people who might have been tracking them. Her ability to predict the market movement is a nice twist, yet also potentially traceable.

Fei
April 14th, 2013, 11:31 PM
Thanks for reading. The intro was just a flashback which I thought it'd be cool way to start off. You might change your mind if you read the first chapter? Mik isn't really a big part of the story, he's just for the opening credits ;)

Pelwrath
April 15th, 2013, 05:27 AM
Do you have more of it posted elsewhere?

Fei
April 15th, 2013, 08:29 AM
I'll post it here if you're interested in reading it. That was kind of my goal with this piece, to see if anyone would like to see more.

Pelwrath
April 15th, 2013, 04:05 PM
Please do

egpenny
April 26th, 2013, 06:22 AM
Nice work, kept my interest. I would be interested in reading more, too.

Skodt
April 26th, 2013, 06:32 PM
Wondering if Mik wasn't used up without enough story? The story paced well, but you didn't really explain to much. Although, I could see it working if more of the story developed in the actual chapters. The flashbacks need to get further and further, and develop how she became what she is, and the details of Mik, and maybe even a little of his origin. That would make the shock even bigger that he had died.

patskywriter
April 26th, 2013, 08:44 PM
I think it would have been cool if the character had scared herself awake.

Silthian
April 27th, 2013, 12:57 AM
Nice writing, I enjoyed it. Please post more!

Mat
April 27th, 2013, 12:13 PM
I really enjoyed the first part, particularly the idea of a human having the upper hand over a vampire, and also the line about meeting the dawn with its head on a spike. The second half I liked, but I was a bit sad that it reverted back to form with a vampire being the main character. Also, why is it that vampires always have to have sex with each other? :tennis:

Fei
April 27th, 2013, 12:43 PM
Skodt after reading the first chapter you can get back to me about Mik, I didn't intend for him to play a major part but if you still feel like there should be more of him, I'll take a second look. Thanks for reading.

Fei
April 27th, 2013, 12:49 PM
I really enjoyed the first part, particularly the idea of a human having the upper hand over a vampire, and also the line about meeting the dawn with its head on a spike. The second half I liked, but I was a bit sad that it reverted back to form with a vampire being the main character. Also, why is it that vampires always have to have sex with each other? :tennis:

lol Mat I dunno it just happens. Thanks for reading :)

Fei
April 27th, 2013, 12:51 PM
I think it would have been cool if the character had scared herself awake.

thanks patsky, now that you mention it, it does sound like another way to put it.