View Full Version : Next bit of my story

April 13th, 2013, 08:01 PM
Ok I know this needs a lot of work but here it is. The second little bit of my first chapter.

David shot up in his bed. His dreams, no, his memories had haunted him for so long now. He had learned little of Keio since that day six years ago. The strange man visited every now and then, but he only left him with more questions than answers. David had grown to accept Keio’s comings and goings and was used to it but his suspicions of the man only grew with time and nothing that Keio had said or done calmed his nerves. The morning sunlight worked its way into his room in dusty rays. David watched the small particles dace in the golden light swarming around, mesmerizing him in his daydreams. The light seemed so pure so innocent and even being just light it seemed so full of life. He humored himself with the thought. Light being life, how silly, how ridicules. A rumbling from his stomach woke him from his thoughts. He sleepily tiptoed down the stairs to the kitchen. Snatching an apple from the table he left the house, carful not to wake his parents. David walked by the edge of the trees until he reached the far side of the field. A few paces inside of the woods David came to a pond and sat down at the waters edge to think. Taking another bite of his apple he ran all of his questions through his head again and again. Why did Keio keep these secrets? Why didn’t he just answer his questions? He wondered these things only to ask questions about his questions. And so many troubled him. What was the conductor for? He kept it. Keio told him to, he said that it was important. In fact David was wearing it at that very moment. He liked wearing it, it made him feel like he had a secret as well instead of being the one to hide all the secrets from. He threw the apple core into the pond and touched the stone just slightly. Where is Keio? That thought ran through his mind just as a voice came from behind him.
“Nice day isn’t it.”
David nearly fell into the water at the shock of Keio’s unexpected appearance. “Yes, it is.” He said picking himself up off the ground.
“Yes,” he drifted off. “What is bothering you?” He asked after a while.
“What? Nothing.”
“Now David I know it is not nothing.” Keio replied.
“Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Huh? Oh, just about questions.”
“I’d like to hear them.” Keio said. Was David finally getting his chance for answers? Why? Why would Keio want to tell him anything now?
“Why do you want to know now?”
“Do you remember the day you met me?”
“I couldn’t forget.” David smirked.
“I told you that you weren’t ready to know then. Now you are. At least part of it anyway”
“Why is now any different than back then?”
“You are older and more capable of handling such things.”
“Such things as what?”
“I am going train you.” Keio told him.
“Train me? To do what?”
“I told you that day that you had gifts, talents. And now I think you are ready to learn how to use them. You are a very special person David.”
His head burned with questions. “Special? How? I don’t have any talents.”
“You couldn’t be more wrong David. Have you not noticed your way with the natural world? Just the fact that you’d rather be here now than in town with other children proves what I say. You are very special.”
“So I like being out in the woods, so what. You still haven’t told me why I’m special.”
“Your eyes.” The man said simply.
“What about my eyes?”
“Do you not know the color of your own eyes? They are green. Green. There may not be any significance to you but where I come from it’s the tell tale sign of a Green Eye.”
“A Green Eye? Really, you couldn't come up with anything better than that? Come on I'm not that stupid.”
“I’m not teasing you David. It is a good thing. It is a sign of power.”
“What power? Your being rediculous.”
“I need you to listen to me ok. Don’t say a word until I’m finished and if you don’t believe me then I will do my best to prove my words.” David nodded. “A Green Eye comes from a very special people. A people whom call themselves the Zola. These people, they are unique because of their own way with the natural world. They find power in the elements of the earth. The Zola have learned over time a way to harness and control this power. That is what the conductor is for David, it is the harness. I know of these people because I am one, I am a Zola. And you are a Green Eye. I know that you are. And the Green Eyes, they are even more extraordinary then my people because they are from them, but not only them. The Green Eyes are of a Zola and Earthling, the people of this world. And for some reason this blend, this mixture causes these people,Such as yourself, to become even stronger, even more talented. So I have come to you to be your trainer. I will teach you to harness your element and to use your gifts for great purposes.” Keio stopped. David thought his words over. Could it be true? There was just no way.
“I’m going to need that proof now.” He said.
“Of course.” Keio nodded, then he seemed to drift off, his concentration evident as he stood strait and strong. He slowing turned his hands palm up and as he did so all the surrounding trees obediently blossomed filling the open space with light colors of white and pink. They grew so big and so thick that David couldn’t see a single gap in the color. “Is that proof enough for you?” Keio asked returning to a relaxed state. The flowers closed and unlocked the forest around them. David was stunned.
“That’ll do it.” He said.
“I thought so.”
“Ok then if you're going to teach me this stuff how’s it going to work?”
“We will meet regularly for training. Not every day or any scheduled day but when it is time, I will let you know.”
“When do you want to start?” David asked feeling the whole conversation was awkward.
“Not quite yet. I want you to have time to think over everything I have told you and then when it is time, well you’ll know when I want to begin your training.”
“Ok.” He said. “Well, um… ok.”
“Until then David.” Keio said giving one of his little bows. After that he simply walked away leaving David utterly confused.

April 13th, 2013, 08:16 PM
It looks good besides for the part with the 'green eye'. It is a sort of bland for something of that significance, I'd recommend to changing it.

April 13th, 2013, 08:34 PM
How might I go about doing that?

April 13th, 2013, 08:58 PM
By creating another name for it, something catchy and easy to remember.
“Do you not know the color of your own eyes? They are green. Green. This may not be any significance to you but where I come from it’s the tell tale sign of the gift. Because very few know the truth of the name of gift. ” That's just how I would go about it, you don't have to but just the 'green eye' doesn't sound quite right or fit correctly. I do know that David has green eyes but it just doesn't really fit in.

Apple Ice
April 13th, 2013, 09:59 PM
I would suggest spacing a bit more so it's easier to read. It's a bit too clumped together. Although saying that, last time I suggested more spacing I was told it was entirely intentional and to mind my own bloody business. If that's the case then ignore me

April 14th, 2013, 01:48 AM
I do know that "green eye" is a bad name for it I've said that since I've started the story really but I couldn't come up with anything better, at least not yet and it is just a nickname the Zola gave them.