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View Full Version : Two versions. Same story? (word warning)



Fei
April 13th, 2013, 04:30 PM
I revised a piece I wrote a while back that's basically about one scene which I thought was promising. So I'm gonna post the two versions and I'd like comments, suggestions and constructive critiques on either one or both. I'd also like to know the one you'd prefer individually and the reason, thanks!

Version 1

She'd be the perfect poster girl for poise and grace- how perfectly boring. In his opinion- which he wished more people would share- decorum was over rated, especially these days. Who were people trying to kid? The eighteenth century was long over and good riddance. He liked his women with an edge of crazy, it was more fun for both of them.

She was pretty, yeah, he'd give her that. He'd also give her the crown for being the ultimate ice princess. Little miss perfect with no hair out of place and all business too. He wondered idly how she was able to pull off wearing a shapeless and probably overpriced jacket and still look so good. He decided he needed a drink- or a gun.

His eyes were so cold, his face remote, his chiseled features would make Michael Angelo weep for the poor imitation of perfection he'd named David. She smiled inwardly at the ridiculous direction her thoughts were taking. He was good looking, she'd have to be brain dead not to notice, it was to her own detriment that he knew just how good looking.

It was really too bad he was such an ogre, she could barely tolerate him each time he opened his mouth. The first day she'd had the misfortune of making his acquaintance, she'd realised the only thing he was interested in, aside from money, was womanizing. When he'd realised that she was certainly not his type, oh my, that hadn't gone down well with him... The memory was banished momentarily as she began to sort the documents she carried, desperately wishing the meeting over soon.

The one thing they could agree on was that they couldn't stand each other's company longer than they had to. Getting over the nasty business of perfunctory greetings, they both ordered their drinks, he had a scotch while she favoured an iced tea. Once served, the drinks sat awkwardly between them like inanimate referees.

Her cellphone rang, making them both jerk in surprise. Her face grew hot as she hurriedly extracted the device from its holster and flipped it open to answer the call. He stared at the still life painting behind her head for a few seconds until his attention was redirected to his vibrating phone.

Speaking calmly into the receiver, he watched her as she looked down at her phone accusingly as if she wanted to smash it against something- maybe his head. Instead, she deliberately placed it beside her teacup and proceeded to stare at it.

Hanging up, he replaced his smartphone inside his pocket and downed the glass of scotch in one swallow while she continued to memorise the patterns on the porcelain saucer. Only the slight involuntary shiver, gave away her feelings of inner turmoil.

They looked everywhere but at each other. She wondered how he could be so calm. He wondered why she wasn't throwing a hissy fit. It didn't matter which way they looked at it and it definitely didn't matter what they both thought. It was a done deal.

All she could think was, Fuck higher-ups.

Finally he caught her eye and said emotionlessly, "If this business merger is going to work, we need to tie up a few loose ends. I'm sure that was your boss letting you now how this meeting is really going down."

We're stuck with each other for the entire year, he added silently with all the disgust he could muster. He needed another drink.


Version 2

She'd be the perfect poster girl for poise and grace- how perfectly boring. In his opinion- one he wished more people would share- decorum was over rated, especially these days. Who were people trying to kid? The eighteenth century was long over and good riddance. He liked his women with just that delicious edge of crazy. Crazy was fun.

She was pretty, yeah, he'd give her that. He'd also give her the crown for being the most selfish and tight assed woman he had ever met. While he would acknowledge-probably on pain of death- that she carried that tight ass quite nicely, he just had the desperate need to constantly remind himself that he did not like Ruona Ike. Standing up to pull out a chair, Dean decided he needed a drink- or a gun.

His chiseled features would make Michael Angelo weep for the poor imitation of perfection he'd named David. Well? So what if he was good looking? She still thought he was just an arrogant man playing god at his uncle's multimillion dollar company. She could just die sometimes, why did the he get to have everything? Well, not everything…

When Dean Savoy hadn’t been able to charm his way into her bed, he’d settled for making her miserable. Or he’d tried anyway. After she’d permanently shut down two of his projects, the infamous playboy had discovered that Ruona Ike was a force to be reckoned with in her own right. No, she wasn’t daddy’s little girl anymore.

Still, as much as she hated to admit it, she was attracted to him like any healthy woman would be. Yes, she wanted Dean Savoy- on her own terms.

Today, they weren’t even pretending to be nice to each other. After pulling out a chair for her, Dean proceeded to temporarily ignore Ruona. He opened his briefcase and started extracting the documents he needed. Taking her seat with careless grace, Ruona crossed her legs and waited.

“If you want a drink, order one.” he said, not looking up from his papers.

Sniffing with disdain at his bowed head, Ruona motioned to the nearest waiter. Considering she’d just stolen one of the deals he’d been working on for months, she understood his dark mood. Even so, she suspected it was more than that. Normally if was just the usual -him stealing a billion dollar contract, her shutting down some of his factories- he’d have gotten over it.

“Is there a problem?” Ruona asked, smirking.

Before he could snap back at her, his phone rang. Snatching it up without ceremony, he flipped it open and pressed it to his ear. Ruona sat back and prepared to watch the show.

“What the fuck-?” Dean said into the receiver before he could control himself. After glancing sideways at Ruona, he continued the conversation in Italian. Turning away from him, Ruona continued to sip her iced tea while she looked over the still life painting positioned behind her seat.

Speaking calmly into the receiver, Dean motioned for another drink. After five minutes the caller hung up. Clearing his throat, he replaced his phone inside his pocket. A gun sounded perfect. All he could think was shit shit shit.

“Ruona,” Dean started in a voice he did not recognize, "If this business merger is going to work, we need to tie up a few loose ends. I assume your boss already told you how this meeting is really going down."

“My boss? Honey didn’t anybody tell you? I am the boss.”

lowprofile300
April 14th, 2013, 03:47 AM
@Fei, Version 1, lacked clarity and coherency as I read it. There was really no plot either. It seemed to me that the two characters just simply hated to be in each others presence, and it didn't have much of an ending. Version 2, on the other hand was more refined and grabbed my interest by the third paragraph. there was also a story there- a love hate relationship, one with potential. The ending was a nice surprise too. My question is that, what's up with the gun in both versions? I did't get the connection.

Belderan
April 14th, 2013, 10:44 AM
I agree with the above, the second version was much better and I enjoyed reading it. I like a story with a sassy woman rather than a wet blanket cliche lol

Fei
April 14th, 2013, 03:37 PM
Lol thanks guys. Lowprofile now that you mention it, I have no idea why I put that there ;)

carastone
April 19th, 2013, 05:39 AM
I thought the gun was referring to his desire to drink himself senseless or kill himself to end the misery. Fei, I totally agree that the second version is better. It is sharper and stronger. It pulls the reader closer to the characters' thoughts, and gives more explanations, so the reader doesn't feel lost. Now I want to know what happens next!

Good luck,

Cara Stone
sites.google.com/site/carastonenovels/

Fei
April 19th, 2013, 08:56 AM
Found it! The idea, I mean. Cara you were so on point, I wrote this a while ago so I couln't remember why I put that there. Thanks for reminding me and for reading. I would love to know what happens to :D