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cassie30
April 10th, 2013, 03:05 AM
Susan had a feeling this wasn’t going to be no ordinary summer day. For some reason this puzzled her but she didn’t have time think about it the days chores lay ahead. With a spring in her step and her mom Shelly watching from the side lines the day began.

Pulling up in his shiny red Porsche was the man of Susan’s dreams. Susan’s feeling had been right it was no ordinary day. For how often does a famous actor come into your life?

Kiefer Michelson is at my house. I wonder why he’s here. Oh my god he’s so cute. I wonder how he knew where I lived.

She ran out outside and slowly approached Keifer.

“How did you know where I lived” Susan asked.

“I got your address from a letter you sent to my fan club.”

Susan is an unbaptized publisher of Jehovah’s Witnesses and in trying to reach his heart she had sent him the require brochure and two Watch Towers magazines. What Susan didn’t know was that Kiefer was a former drug addict and that there was a secret in his dark past.

“Please come in and sorry for the mess. I wasn’t expecting company.” Susan said.

“It’s ok I should have called, wrote or something to let you know I was coming and I'm sorry for this unexpected visit.” He said

Kiefer then gave the red roses and candy he brought with him.

“So what did want to talk about?” Susan asked

“Well I know you hardly know me but I wanted to tell you I was married twice before and engaged to be married a third time.” Kiefer said.
“I only have one child and the third marriage never happened” Kiefer said.

He told her everything about his past expect that he was a recovering drug addict.

“Well I’m 28 years old and I know your ten years older than me since, I’ve done some research on him via the internet.”

“I want to study the Bible but I’ll only study with you.” He said.

Well that came as a surprise to Susan because she knew Keifer lived in California and did a television show called 48. It is basically a show that plays 2 days for the whole season.

To break the silence Kiefer spoke up.

“I love you and I want to marry you. Before you start protesting about my life, my 2 ex-wives hear me out.” Kiefer said.

“The reason I love you and want to marry you is because you are the only one not to send me a photograph to autograph instead you sent me a brochure called What Does God Require Of Us and at least two Watch Towers. You had my spiritual interest at heart and not just the interest of yourself. Too me that’s the kind of woman I would want to marry someday.”

“I can’t marry you because you’re not of Jehovah’s Witnesses and I could never marry an unbeliever.”

“I want to become a believer so will you please study with me?”

“How can I study with you when I live Jersey and you live in California?

“If there is will there is away.

Susan remembered reading in the 2005 year book of Jehovah’s Witnesses that one sister studied thorough the mail and she could do the same.
“So now what do want to do?” Susan asked

“Would you go to dinner with me?”


“Yes I will.”

During dinner Kiefer was trying to figure how to propose to Susan assuming she would have him. Susan was thinking about her upcoming baptism that should hopefully during the Convention, which was to take place July 8-10, 2005.

“I have a few questions to ask you. One would you mind being a step mom to my daughter Sandy Maria Michelson?” he asked

“I can’t picture myself a step mom. However, if Kiefer and I got married I would want Sandy to consider me more of a big sister than a mom.”

“I can’t picture myself married to you Kiefer because I doubt you would give up acting since you’ve tried that before and still came back to acting in the end. Susan also said”

“If it was true love and it was meant to be he could and would leave acting for the girl of his dreams.” Kiefer said

“The women of film and television have a one-track mind as in getting married for the sake of just getting married but not all.” He also said
“I don’t want to be subjected to the press and all photographers taking pictures at every little thing we say or do.” She replied

“That won’t happen because I’m giving up the show 48 after this season so I can be with you Susan.” He said

At the end of dinner Keifer decides that marriage isn’t a possibility tight now so he decides to use the engagement ring as a promise ring instead. Just before the check arrives Kiefer pulls the ring out and asks Susan will you be my girlfriend? Susan is surprised by the question that she needs a moment to think before answering. Just as the check arrives Susan says yes on the condition that Keifer keeps in contact with her once he goes back to California and not just to study the Bible.

Kiefer promises to write Susan as long wrote him. Kiefer spends a week in Jersey and during that week the first bible study is started. During the bible study Keifer confesses he was a recovering drug addict. Susan knew that Jehovah accepted all kinds of people into his fold as long they had the right heart condition and Susan felt that Kiefer had the right heart condition otherwise he wouldn’t have wanted to start a bible study with her. After the confession Kiefer made. They studied lesson one of the require brochure.

The title of the first is: “How can you find out what God requires?”

“What important information is contained in the Bible? Would you please read paragraph one Kiefer?” She asked

Kiefer reads the paragraph and Susan asks the question again. Kiefer then looks at the paragraph and answers the question.

“It tells you the truth about God; it explains how to cope with problems, how to find true happiness and what we must do to please God.” He replies

“Very good, Kiefer on finding the answer in the paragraph and Can you please read Psalms 1:1-3?

“It says delight in the law and if you follow the law you will succeed.”

“Kiefer doesn’t that seem nice?”

“Yes it does sound nice.”

Paragraph two is titled: “Who is the Bible’s author?”

“Kiefer would you please read paragraph two. Question two is who the Bible’s author is?”

“The bible was written by some 40 different men but they were inspired by God to write it.”

“Okay now read 2 Timothy 3:16, 17 for emphasis”

“All scriptures are inspired of God and are beneficial for teaching and so forth.” He says

“Very good Keifer I’m glad to see your understanding of this lesson. Can you please read paragraph 3 for me but before you do that let me ask the question and the question is: Why should you study the bible?”

Kiefer reads the paragraph and answers: your eternal future depends on your getting know God and doing his will despite any opposition.

“Very good Kiefer now let’s read Matthew 5:10-12. What were some reasons to study the Bible despite opposition from others?”
“Even though persecuted you should be happy because the kingdom of heavens belongs to them.”

“That’s good Kiefer I’ve enjoyed your study today. Do you have any more Bible questions?

“No I don’t.”

After the study Kiefer and Susan talk some more.

“Would you mind if I used your bathroom?” Kiefer asks

“No I don’t mind if you use the bathroom.”

After Kiefer comes out of the bathroom he comes up behind Susan and kisses her. As the week goes by Susan and Kiefer spend a lot of time together, he goes with her to her Christian meetings at the Kingdom Hall and decides to look up the local Kingdom Hall in California when he got back. He enjoyed the meeting all the friends at the hall. Well on the night before he was supposed to leave for California Kiefer and Susan exchanged addresses. Kiefer’s address is Kiefer Michelson; 724 North Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90210 and Susan address is Susan Christopher, 72 Charmed Lane, East Rutherford, NJ 07073.

July 15, 2005

Dear Kiefer,

Hi how are you? I am fine. What have you been up to? Nothing much happened here. The next letter you’ll receive from me will be the discussion of lesson 2 who is God. What I want you to do is read the paragraphs and answer the questions in your return letter to me. Also read the accompanying scriptures as well and site a few of them as well in your letter. Look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Susan

July 18, 2005

Dear Susan,

Hi how are you? I am fine. I’ve been finishing up my last season on 48 then I'm done with acting for good. In about a month I start my new job at the local food store. Which is a big change for me but I think I’ll adjust. I've read lesson 2 and here are my answers to the questions: 1 and 2 the true God is the one who created the heavens and the earth and his name is Jehovah. I read Psalms 83:18, which tells you who god is and his name. 3 the answers is God is a sprit body and it’s his active force and I read Psalms 104:30 which says if you send forth your sprit they are created. 4 Jehovah’s outstanding qualities are love, justice, wisdom, and power. We should do our best to imitate him and Ephesians 5:12 talks about the quality of love and how we should show love to one another just as Jesus loved us. 5. No we shouldn’t use images or symbols to represent the only true God. 6. Talks about how to get know God and that is observing the things he has created and regular study of the bible.

Sincerely,

Keifer

July 21, 2005

Dear Kiefer,

It sounds like you are making fine progress in your study of the bible and I look forward to your next lesson who is Jesus Christ. Please tell me when you plan to come to New Jersey again.

Sincerely,

Susan

August 27, 2005

Dear Susan
I miss you oh so much. I can’t wait to come back to Jersey. I have come to love you oh so much; words can’t really express what I am feeling. But I composed a little poem to express my feelings. Here it goes: you light a fire in me that burns bright. You light a fire in me that makes me love you more and more with each passing day.


Love,

Kiefer
September 2, 2005

Dear Susan,

I just wanted to drop you a line before I got your response. I want to hold you in my arms oh so tight and never let you go. You make me smile. When I think about you, you brighten my day, roses are red, and violets are blue. Sugar is sweet and so are you. You are the sunshine of my life. You make my day sparkle.

Love,

Keifer

P.S. call me at 1-978-286-7708 or my cell phone at 1-978-227-7080.

Well the seven days has passed and Kiefer arrived at the airport @ 12:20 pm. he calls Susan from a pay phone.

Susan picked up.

“Hi Kiefer kiss, kiss. How are you?”

“Kiss, kiss back and I’m tired from the flight.”

“Oh sorry to hear that you’re so tired. So where are you staying this time?”

“I’m staying at the Maid Marion Hotel again.”


“Oh ok you just started a new job. And you’re already getting so much time off. How did you manage that?”
“Oh I managed that because I have family here that is settling estate matters. You see one of my relatives that lived here has died and they left a will but it was destroyed somehow before the reading of the will. So now my family is trying to decide who gets what. Listen I have to go the operator wants more money.”


“Ok bye Kiefer.”

“Can I come by for dinner?” He asked as he deposited in more money.

“Sure” replied Susan.

“Does that mean you live with your parents and younger brother?” Kiefer said

“While I go Ruby Rod Community College I can’t afford to move out.” Susan said

“Oh that’s interesting since you’ve always had my study outside of your house.” Kiefer said

“Well Kiefer that will change this time around it’s too cold to be outside and study the bible. I’ve even grown my hair out a bit.” Replied Susan

“I like it short why did you grow it out Susan.”

“Well Kiefer that’s because it got cold here in New Jersey.”

“Why don’t you move to California and live with me.”

“Well Kiefer I can’t live with you unless we were married first and I can’t marry you till you’re baptized.” Susan replied

“Oh I know I'm sorry I forgot. Are we going to have a discussion of lesson 10 of the require brochure.”

“Not tonight, tonight we are having dinner with my family and my long distance boyfriend.” “Awe thanks well I have to go I arrived at the hotel.” As he hung up his cell phone.

Kiefer checks in with ease this time. People at the hotel give him star treatment in hopes of he’ll give them an autograph. What they don’t know yet is Kiefer has quit acting for good. They don’t know yet because the last season of 48 that Kiefer filmed is in the process of airing now. On the way to Susan’s house he decided to stop at a florist and get some red roses for Susan. He walked to Susan’s house because she only lived a few blocks away from the Maid Marion hotel. Besides he enjoyed a leisurely walk in the night air. He arrived at Susan's house at exactly 7:00 pm just as Susan's younger brother Shane was putting the finishing touches on the bake ziti.

After he walked into the house he gave Susan the roses.

“Thank you for the lovely roses. What would you like to drink?”

“I would take any kind of soda please and thank you.”

So Susan got him a Diet Dr. Michael Cherry Vanilla.

“Thank you for the soda Susan.”

“I would like to meet my dad Shane Sr., my mom Shelly, and my brother Shane Jr. please call Shane JR. Junior so you don’t confuse my dad and brother.”

“No problem.”

“So Shelly what do you do for a living?”

“I work at the local Shoo Bees, which is a sub shop.” Shelly said

“What do you do for a living Shane?”

“I’m not working right now because the company I was working for closed and moved to Brazil. So I decided to retire early”

“So Junior what do you do for a living?”

“I’m currently unemployed and I’m not really looking at the moment.”

“What is Sandy like? How old is she?”

“Well Sandy is a sweet, honest hearted young woman and I love her dearly. Sandy is 17 and she was born on April 16, 1988.”

“Wow oh wow I’m only 12 years older than your daughter.”

“What are your plans for the future? Do you plan on marrying Susan?” Shane Sr. asked

“Susan will you marry me?”

“I have to think about it for a few days and then she’ll let him know.”

She doesn't know what to say or do. So she takes the matter to Jehovah in prayer. After meditating on her prayer and considering her options Susan decides to call Kiefer so she can give him her decision.

“Kiefer I’ve made my decision. I’ve decided that I can’t marry you I’m so sorry.”

Kiefer leaves right after hanging up on Susan.

Ten minutes later he's on doorstep and ringing the doorbell. Susan answers the door and invites Kiefer into the hall.

“I can’t marry you even though you made all these changes.”

In her hands he spies her diary. He sees these few lines.

Dear dairy,

Today I met François Daily at Bethel. He’s a handsome young brother.

How dare she tell me she can’t marry me? Am I not good enough for her? Who is this François Daily? Is he my competition?

“If that’s the case I’m going to stop studying the Bible and nothing you say or do will convince me otherwise.”

“If you keep studying the Bible Kiefer you could marry any single sister you wanted. Besides living by the Bible is the best way of life.”

“Don’t you get it if I can’t have you I don’t want to study? Please stop preaching to me.”

Nothing Susan says or does can convince Kiefer to keep studying the bible with her or anyone.

Kiefer storms out of the house and storms back to the hotel. Once back at the hotel he decides he needs to calm down. How dare she turn me down? I’m Keifer James Michelson the greatest actor in the world. I’ve made all these changes for her. So how dare her. He begins to pack up all his belongings so he can go back to California. He calls the airline to change his flight to an earlier flight back to California. What the fuck is wrong with me that she won’t fucking marry me. I wish I never met that bitch Susan. What will happen to Susan and Kiefer? Will Susan move on to François Daily? Or will Kiefer start to study again. Stayed tuned to see what happened to Susan and Kiefer. When did François Daily come into the picture?

cassie30
April 15th, 2013, 12:50 AM
Any comments at all?

popsprocket
April 15th, 2013, 01:56 AM
We'll start off with this: there are loads of grammatical and punctuation errors in this. You need to have a look into how to use commas, and doing a proof-read before posting it to the forum would be extremely beneficial. Aside from that, many of the sentences would benefit greatly from restructuring so that they don't come off so clumsy. I won't do any of that for you as I think it's bad form to change another writer's sentences completely, but it is something that you can become better at by keeping at writing.


Susan had a feeling this wasn’t going to be an ordinary summer day. For some reason this puzzled her, but she didn’t have time think about it as the days chores lay ahead. With a spring in her step and her mom Shelly watching from the side lines, the day began.

Pulling up in his shiny red Porsche was the man of Susan’s dreams. Susan’s feeling had been right: it was no ordinary day. For how often does a famous actor come into your life?

Okay, how did we get here? One minute there's chores to be done and the next minute some famous actor is rocking up at her house? Suspension of disbelief only means that you can stretch reality, and just dropping this random actor on Susan's house is beyond my belief.


Kiefer Michelson is at my house. I wonder why he’s here. Oh my god he’s so cute. I wonder how he knew where I lived.

She ran out outside and slowly approached Keifer.

She ran outside then slowly approached him? Inconsistent.


“How did you know where I lived?” Susan asked.

And that's just the first part. I don't know that the punctuation marks I added show up all that well only in bold, but I had to add a number of them to make this readable.


Secondly: the content. I'll admit that I only read about half of this because the content was just uninteresting to me. I have an idea of where you are going with this, but writing a story about a man and a woman coming together through bible study isn't something I'd buy. But it goes beyond that, because we have no establishing facts here. They say that you should grab your reader with the first chapter, but what that means is that you need to give them enough details and enough questions that they feel compelled to turn the page. All I've got here basically amounts to a day-dream wherein an ordinary girl is rescued from suburban life by an actor. Further than that, it's immediately implausible because we have two people who've just met talking about getting married.

You need to work on the establishing scene. Maybe Susan watches an episode of 48 right before her hero shows up. Maybe she goes shopping with her mother. It doesn't particularly matter what, but we need to establish who Susan is and what the context is for some famous guy randomly rocking up at her house and not being dragged away by the cops for doing so.

Peleboy
April 17th, 2013, 05:39 PM
I think you should let us know the emotions their going through as their speaking. What are they doing? Do they feel nervous and how does it show? It adds more dimension to the character.