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View Full Version : Two rivals and a Girl (Essay) Your thoughts on if i should turn it into book needed.



belthagor
April 9th, 2013, 04:02 AM
Essay, First Draft: Two Rivals and A Girl: by Dimitar Rouynekov
When I was young and in high school I met the two most interesting people in my life; my first love, and the man who became my greatest rival even before he also fancied her. My rival might have ended up ruining the life of the first person I cared about, because of his individuality, and his priorities for wanting her, and I had to change this. Since I had never encountered a situation where I play the role of a discrete guardian angel, nor did I intend to; I knew I would have a difficult challenge ahead of me.
My first love, named Jennifer, was a bright and highly inexperienced person. She was very pure, sunny, warm, and optimistic. She was also very smart and talented. Each of her smiles had visible yet safely enclosed happiness in them. In addition to this; each of her smiles lacked any form of obvious or hidden vileness. Whenever I noticed her smile in class, it brightened my entire day afterwards. Her personality didn’t have room to understand the meaning of being clever or manipulative in any way, even though she had a high intelligence. She was very devoted to religion, God, and the idea of all people being capable of endless unconditional kindness. Aside from her other lovable aspects; her main greatest weakness was also her greatest quality, and it was the most superior reason I cared for her. She always believed in hope, thought of life as a fairytale, and was truly a unique person. This was the kind of girl, who had such an amazing soul, that despite her perfect physical features which would fade; my emotions would not. I could spend time with her even while she looked like a grandmother, if it were not for my unrelated problems which were holding me back from the start. Even though I was never in a relationship with her, I continued to care about her, and occasionally helped out in un-noticed ways.
My greatest rival named George was a very precise person. He was down to earth and never had his head in the clouds. His inner philosophy was almost the same as mine, although we didn’t agree on certain things, we always hated each other with a passion, and being friends was impossible for us. We would intrigue and humor each other very often when we spoke. We discussed important topics in class, and during lunch, a few of which confused many of the students around us. Fortunately most of our conversations were during free periods, and remained unnoticed. During parts of a few of the conversations we had; our voices overlapped. A few of the topics we discussed were politics, economics, and psychology. We took pauses in the middle of our sentences sometimes while trying to find the words. During each of these instances, whether it was his sentence or mine, we spoke at the exact same time and our speech overlapped in terms of our words, pitch, speed, and volume, and I enjoyed it. In a few ways, he never found out he was my rival because I was such a professional at hiding things.
Previously; I had miraculously created a perfect vacation for myself in high school, and this was my setting. I had certain personal problems which I didn’t want to even tolerate hearing gossip about. I never deserved any of those problems, and don’t believe I was ever at fault, yet I hid them perfectly. I was able to move freely, and do as I pleased, as a bored, somewhat helpless, and overburdened student should. No one dared bothering me. I had time with my thoughts, and while no one decided to humor me, except on very rare occasions; I just liked to sit, sigh, and think; simultaneously. The work in most classes wasn’t too difficult either, so I had plenty of time to meditate while still pretending to focus on it while I worked. All of this may seem so strange, if it were not for the fact that the majority of high school is composed of mostly immature people, in comparison to the majority of the college population.
During the first few months of my high school days, I noticed that most of the male population in high school, along with a fairly moderate percentage of the female population stared at Jennifer during and after class, and based on their tilted heads and focused almost inseparable eyes, probably fantasized often. I noticed, from the way that the boys and girls in my high school spoke to her, with small hints of hidden flirtation, they most definitely did notice her inner qualities, and never ignored them. However the students were mainly focused on her physical features. This mildly annoyed me. I also decided involving simple pawns would be a stupid idea.
On the other hand, George was completely unbalanced; he focused solely on her physical features, and her beauty. I needed to find a way to fix this situation, and I was confused as to why no one noticed it aside from me and that they were only jealous of him being close to her. I wondered if they would help me, and if they would do it only for conquest against the usual boredom of high school. Because of mental age usually being proportionate to physical age, the majority of students could cause more harm if I were to talk to them for help; or worse, figure out my personal problems and try to find help and justice for my circumstances in their own childish ways instead. I had created a cozy cloak of shadows for myself with only a few chosen friends, all of them much older than me, at least physically if not mentally.
I had completed the perfect plan; I was a mastermind; I would both passively and actively relieve George of his materialistic atheism, and in turn he would become a better person. He would burst with overall kindness, specifically towards Jennifer, by the time I was only halfway finished carrying it out. Whenever I actively moved, I would always remain in my cloak of shadows. So I felt a warm glow, as I was trying to change the guy, and playing God never felt so right, with only a hint of guilt in me. I knew I cared about Jen to the point that I never wanted to possess her. She was my first love. My personal problems, better known as my burdens, would become her burdens too; and I had too much pride for that. George (the guy who was chasing after her) was quite an annoying and hollow person. His preciseness would make him difficult to change, and he was almost equal with me on a mental level. Unlike me, he only cared about her because of the way she looked, and seldom paid attention to any of her other wonderful qualities. He would have probably used her up and thrown her away the moment she was around 30 years old and started losing her looks, for someone else. I had to change this and make sure I could create a paradise for this girl, and make sure she was at least with a semi-normal spouse.
The details of how my plan went are quite bizarre. It started with just minor setbacks, followed by me somewhat overextending myself, while still being hidden, followed by me creating a monster, for which I am deeply sorry. In a way my whole plan was similar to Don Quixote and his deeply meaningful and life changing battle with ferocious windmills. I noticed that my absurd plan of salvation made George exceptionally clever instead. George was able to see the usefulness of Christianity, because of Jennifer’s never-ending faith. He over-faked, overacted, and turned Christianity into a competition itself. He was thought of as a wonderful Christian by most teachers and students; and probably even by her highly faithful parents. I’m the only one who noticed the truth; how hilarious yet disturbing.
George mainly abused her deep faith to steal her body, and her trust, without caring about her as a person. This was fully made clear to me during a single moment in high school. Mr. Caal, a bible teacher, who was being used as a pawn quite effectively, and quite efficiently, by George, forced Jennifer to give George her first kiss. I remember it clearly, as my memory is my best quality. I was observing this event, in my uncomfortable, yet well armored cloak of shadows, in the hallway of the school. Either George, or Mr. Caal; I couldn’t see which, mentioned that it would be okay, and necessary for Jennifer to kiss her boyfriend at least once, since its only kissing. He mentioned that there has to be a physical aspect of love as well, and it would be completely fine. Along with Jennifer’s other beliefs, she also thought very highly of teachers, and any adult. Despite not being ready, she was being pressured by a teacher, she was probably more afraid of Mr. Caal, than she was of giving up her own spirit; and she submitted. I suppose it makes sense if I imagine it from his lustful viewpoint. There is no possible way he would enjoy just being around her for long periods of time, and was probably getting bored of not being able to touch her constantly, which is the only thing he craved. I guess he could easily abuse her weak nature, in many ways. I will refrain from speaking about my feelings towards Mr. Caal, though he was only being manipulated by George during the rest of my story.
As for me; I believed in God somewhat, I admit I am not even a decent Christian, however if I changed this; it would be a serious, overlooked by most, kind of change. It would only be for myself and nobody else. After all; if my circumstances before this whole development, never existed to begin with, I would eventually accept Christ into my heart, in order to feel complete. No other relationship could possibly work fully, no matter how pure it may be. Though there were times when I even hated God because of my problems, as irrational as it may be. If my life was different, and I could have a relationship with her myself, I would be capable of enjoying being around Jennifer forever, as I wanted to, and it would satisfy me. I was never concerned about her physical aspects, supermodel though she was.

After seeing her first kiss, reviewing what my plans had done so far, and feeling bitter, I kind of just remained inactive, out of my own fears of making things worse. I thought about different philosophical questions, while waiting for my high school confinement to pass. Were the majority of people nothing more than just a backdrop? Did other people notice what was happening behind George’s act and were they worried about her the same way I was? Was some of the female population also interested in her? Why did I ask that last question? Oh wait, I remember now; it was so I could figure out if they noticed George’s suspicious behavior or they were bedazzled instead. I’m not a pervert and never have been. If any of the other teenagers were older inside than they were outside; like I was and still am; they would have helped open the curtains. However, unfortunately they were not.
In conclusion; before this situation ever happened, I thought of myself as simply a person who would be able to achieve every different goal they had, no matter how farfetched it may be. I felt I was only a mind trapped in some kind of puzzle each time I decided to do something. However I realized that playing God is wrong and not always consequence free, despite how talented, or filled with good intentions a person is; this does not guarantee success. While I imagined a perfect turnout, I was arrogant, and pleased with the fantasy of myself doing much more good, if anything at all compared to everyone else around me. I asked myself sarcastic and cynical questions sometimes; usually in jest. The self-obtained answers generalized me as being the victor. Before my story began to close and I saw her first kiss, I truly felt I performed flawlessly, from the start. As for own growth throughout this situation; I understood after finally losing for the first time ever, that people are quite complicated, and not a backdrop by choice. I was able to notice that people have their own lives and concerns to deal with. Despite how old they may be on the inside compared to the outside, they shouldn’t be toyed with and are still people. There has never been any reason to toy with people; ever. Any person who finds any spectacular reason ends up losing in the end. Most importantly I saw from this journey that the only being allowed to play God is God itself. I would guess that anyone who listens to my song would probably think of me as a villain; because of my unique, insightful, and enlightening failure, or see that I have had bad qualities in my life despite my massive intelligence, and may have deceived myself somewhat. Unfading parts of me regret not acting flawlessly. I still think I could have somehow succeeded, or was on the verge of creating a better life for her, and maybe I really did.
Jennifer and George probably split up right after high school; and went to different universities, and she found someone much better for her which means I was completely victorious yet again. I can imagine that any of the readers of this currently have eyes which don’t agree with me. I am sure you all understand how bothersome it is to have an unrealistic, yet perfect obsession with being king in every situation. After having written it, and reviewed the facts along with the reasonable and unreasonable guesses I’ve made; I completely agree. Maybe on the inside I didn’t grow or change at all, I can always win and make everything better for all people whom I enjoy or who deserve it. I have had many wonderful abilities, and talents; they are of course, my powers. I can do whatever I feel like when it comes to my dreams, hopes, and opportunities, and I have always been a great and superior person. I am God. Very well; I lose.

KRHolbrook
April 9th, 2013, 05:12 AM
Hullo.

Figured I'd take a gander at this and give my opinion. Take everything I say with a grain of salt...or a bucket. :P



Two Rivals and a Girl


When I was young and in high school, [This might be my style kicking in, but I think it reads better with a comma inserted.] I met the two most interesting people in my life [If the MC met them, we know they're in the MC's life without it having to be stated.]: [Colon works better than a semicolon.] my first love, and the man who became my greatest rival even before he also fancied her. [A guideline to writing is if it doesn't need to be said, and you can shorten the sentence without damaging the outcome, then chop it up. Keep the reader engaged by giving minimal information, not long spurts of it.] My rival might have ended up ruined the life of the first person I cared about [Oh my lord, can we get a name? This is cumbersome and long and can be shortened very easily, unless we're not supposed to know the love's name...], [No comma needed.] because of his individuality, [No comma needed.] and his priorities for wanting her, and I had to change this. Since I had never encountered a situation where I play the role of a discrete guardian angel, [I'd suggest using em-dashes instead of commas to separate 'nor did I intend to.'] nor did I intend to, [Wrong place for a semicolon; it totally threw me off (see what I did there?). It should be a comma, because the first part can't stand alone as a sentence, though the ending clause can.] I knew I would have a difficult challenge ahead of me.

While there needs to be work on understanding where to place certain punctuation, the intro wasn't too bad for an essay. It would need work in order to shift into a book, of course. We've got three characters so far--the narrator, the love, and the rival--but none of them have a name. I can't really sympathize or empathize with anybody, when I don't even know them, you know? Also, there was a bit of hacking and slashing on my end. Try to shorten sentences enough that the point remains, without all the filler material bulking it out.

My first love, named [We'll know it's her name automatically when we read it.] Jennifer, [No last name? If someone truly loves another, they'll know the first and last name. ;) Also, why wait until the second paragraph to state her name? If we're supposed to know it, then it should've been stated right off the bat when we knew she was this person's first love. Don't hold back vital information from the reading unless suspense is necessary!] was a bright and highly inexperienced [Inexperienced how? My mind automatically traveled to the dirties of places when I saw inexperienced, so if you didn't mean to take that route, add detail to it.] person. She was very pure, sunny, [She wore bright clothes? If that's not the case "sunny" to me would mean the same as "warm".] warm, and optimistic. [You're telling me a bunch of stuff about her, but...I'm not really impressed, I guess? Show us. I suspect she's pure as in "inexperienced." But what makes her sunny? Warm? Why is she so optimistic--how does she show her optimism?] She was also very smart and talented. [Smart in what? Talented how? You're telling me words that describe her, but nothing to back it up. It's like saying I'm good at certain things to a random person. They're going to look at me like "Okay...what certain things?"] Each of Her smiles had visible yet safely enclosed happiness in them. In addition to this, each of her smiles lacked any form of obvious or hidden [Something about those two words struck me as off. Hidden vileness wouldn't be detected anyway.] vileness. Whenever I noticed her she smiled in class, it brightened my entire day afterwards. [The MC would have to see her smile in order for their day to be brightened, so "afterwards" is implied.] Her personality didnít have room to understand the meaning of being clever or manipulative in any way, even though she had a high intelligence. [It's already been stated she's smart, no need to repeat with a different word.] She was very devoted to religion, God, [I think God is implied already by "religion".] and the idea of all people being capable of endless unconditional kindness. Aside from her other lovable aspects; [Other lovely aspects? No more details? Again, my brain transports me to crude places such as her breast and shapely butt.] her main greatest weakness was also her greatest quality, and it was the most superior reason I cared for her. She always believed in hope, thought of life as a fairytale, and was truly a unique person. This was the kind of girl, who had such an amazing soul, that despite her perfect physical features which would fade, [Shouldn't be a semicolon.] my emotions would not. I could spend time with her even while she looked like a grandmother, if it were not for my unrelated problems which were holding me back from the start. Even though I was never in a relationship with her, I continued to care about her, and occasionally helped out in unnoticed ways.

I stopped critiquing at this point. I figured I'd given enough to chew on. You use a lot of ", and" in your work. A lot. Try to trim some of them out. Of course, not all should be nuked, but tightening your sentences can make more than a few disappear. Definitely get the lover's and rival's names out there first thing. Don't put them off for later paragraphs when you post information about them. Er, that's another thing. I don't normally like reading info dumps about a character, where the narrator is telling me minimal stuff about them. Some of which has been stated in the above. You can probably nix all of the "verys" in your work. They're not needed, just filler words.

As far as wondering if it can be turned into a book? It's very likely. Any story can be created as a novel, but you have to put the right kind of information in and keep people hooked. If you can do that with this story, then it won't be a problem!

belthagor
April 9th, 2013, 02:41 PM
okay, thanks a lot, you seem like an experienced and witty writer....

The reason I did not put last names is: this is fiction, but it is based on a real story. So do I just put fake last names as an alternative?

KRHolbrook
April 9th, 2013, 02:45 PM
okay, thanks a lot, you seem like an experienced and witty writer....

The reason I did not put last names is: this is fiction, but it is based on a real story. So do I just put fake last names as an alternative?

Oh yeah, definitely. Since it's an essay it's involving real life and I can see why last names aren't used, but as a short story or book, it's better to give characters last names if they're important enough for them. Just make them fictional. :]

belthagor
April 9th, 2013, 03:07 PM
These forums are great, I posted something in non-fiction, but something tells me I should have posted it here so you could see it :3

If only I had deletion permission and could put it here =(