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View Full Version : Heartbroken [Rated R] [First 450 words]



KRHolbrook
April 7th, 2013, 11:18 PM
Was wondering what you guys think about the start of this story. It's going to be entered into a character-driven story contest. This is just the first 450 words. Hopefully I'm able to post it here, since I gave a warning about the rating. If not, I'm super sorry!

Rated R for sexual references and cursing.

---

I shouldn’t have worked today, Allen Sizemore thinks, eyes flirting with the overhead clock more than the newspaper column on his computer screen. It’s complete. The cursor blinks, waits for the save, print, and shut-down procedure. There’s minutes left before work officially ends, so he waits, listening to excited whispers through the electronical sounds of printers booting up and delivering a day’s work. There’s too much cologne and perfume in the air masking the flirtatious hint of chocolate. Too much happiness.
He should be home.

With her.

His fingers roam the keyboard’s keys, the lightest touch, and the feel of his fingers dipping from one hard jut of a key to the next reminds him of her nipples. Closing his eyes, he remembers a time not so long ago.

She’s submerged partially in the lukewarm water of the bathtub. Allen’s fingers roam the soft skin of her breasts, taking his time in reaching the center of each one. He bows down over the first, tasting, sucking. Her body trembles beneath him and whispered pleas reach his ears. She wants more. He moves to the second, lets the hard edge of his teeth caress the peak. Her voice is louder now, more frantic with the occasional Please God thrown in. It’s hard to concentrate. His hand moves up her body, to her frail neck, and farther, over her face. Pushes it under the water.

Jostling movements. Sudden splashes. His teeth cut into her nipple and blood pours into his mouth as she belts out a stream of water and oh God the orgasm, it—

“Al!”

Fuck! Allen’s knee jerks at the sudden voice of his boss, crashes again the underside of his desk and sends a blast of pain through his leg. He grinds his teeth and situates himself—he hasn’t ejaculated; the hard-on remains, subsiding with each pulse of pain. Hunching over the keyboard, Allen smiles at Rick Bastion. “Another fun-filled day at work, eh?”

“Man, you wouldn’t believe the amount of Valentine’s Day cards and candy I’ve gotten so far. That’s what I get for being such a lady’s man.” He winks and laughs. Allen laughs with him.

Of all the jobs Allen’s worked at, Rick has been the most like-able. Despite deadlines to be made, Rick never seems to rush people at what they’re doing. He treats everyone here as a friend, not simply an underling coworker. Parties are sometimes made by him during the weekend or after work, if the day’s been far too long for a twelve-hour shift.

Rick sighs and Allen’s smile fades as he glances at the clock. Two minutes. People are collecting their belongings. He doesn’t need to hear a story about Rick’s life. He needs out.

Apple Ice
April 7th, 2013, 11:53 PM
As far as I'm aware the forum doesn't allow erotica of any kind although I'm not sure if this falls in to the category or not. I could be totally wrong though. Critique-wise I think it's good. I'm a bit out of my depth to be honest with this sort of thing but I read it to the end which is a positive. Allen is depicted well as a character. Well done

Folcro
April 8th, 2013, 12:50 AM
You write well, and I think the flow of your narrative could be smoother with a more active voice at certain points. For example, "remembering" instead of "he remembers a time not long ago..."

I would also consider, especially for the, lets call them "action" scenes (because I truly believe the same talent goes into two great armies at war as it does in two people getting jiggy), taking out any word that does not absolutely belong. If the reader can understand the sentence without the word, take it out. Even simple words like "and" or "is." The same for whether the paragraph can be understood without the sentence.

Here is an example of your paragraph as it would look in my regime, with just a few words removed and a few phrases switched to active...

She’s submerged partially in the lukewarm water of the bath. Allen’s fingers roam the soft skin of her breasts, taking his time <to reach> the center of each. He bows over the first, tasting, sucking. Her body trembles beneath him. Whispered pleas reach his ears. He moves to the second. The hard edge of his teeth caress the peak. Her voice is louder now, more frantic. It’s hard to concentrate. His hand moves up her body--- her frail neck, farther, her face. Pushes it under the water.

I omitted "she wants more" in your paragraph only because you already said it, when "whispered pleas reach his ears."

A very nice piece, you're bound to catch a lot of attention with it. Good luck.

KRHolbrook
April 9th, 2013, 01:17 AM
@Folcro Thanks for your input. I have tightened up more than a few sentences and decided to cut out the first couple section and begin with his memory. It seemed like a better start to the story than a bland "I hate work" ordeal. I'll post the newer snippet remake soon. :]

StevenW
April 9th, 2013, 01:33 AM
It's got me curious for more. You didn't give out TMI and it's descriptive. I don't know why, but the first use "nipples" seemed to jar me out of the flow. Either a better word could be used or 'nipples' is just too funny.

Folcro
April 9th, 2013, 01:34 AM
@Folcro Thanks for your input. I have tightened up more than a few sentences and decided to cut out the first couple section and begin with his memory. It seemed like a better start to the story than a bland "I hate work" ordeal. I'll post the newer snippet remake soon. :]

I think that's a good idea. If you can pull it off though, maybe you could mix them together?

KRHolbrook
April 9th, 2013, 03:45 AM
It's got me curious for more. You didn't give out TMI and it's descriptive. I don't know why, but the first use "nipples" seemed to jar me out of the flow. Either a better word could be used or 'nipples' is just too funny.

I've always kind of been put off/weirded out by using certain terms, such as nipples and a few other words in the story. I can read other horror writers that use these words and it just makes me wonder...what goes through their mind as they write down their word choices? lol.

KRHolbrook
April 10th, 2013, 01:22 AM
The below is the rewrite; it's the full first section of the short story. The second section will be the end of it.

***

She’s submerged partially in the lukewarm water of the bathtub, wrists and ankles in shackles. Allen’s fingers roam the soft skin of her breasts. He takes his time in reaching her nipples. He bows over the first, tasting, sucking. Her body trembles beneath him. Whispered pleas reach his ears. He moves to the second. Lets the hard edge of his teeth caress the peak. Her voice is louder now, frantic. It’s hard to concentrate. His hand moves up her body, past her frail neck, and farther, over her face. He pushes it under the water.

Jostling movements. Sudden splashes. His teeth cut into her nipple and blood pours into his mouth as she belts out a stream of water and oh God the orgasm, it—

“Hey Allen!”

Fuck! Allen’s knee jerks at the sudden voice of his boss. It crashes against the underside of his desk and sends a blast of pain through his leg. He grinds his teeth and situates himself—he hasn’t ejaculated; the hard-on remains, subsiding with each pulse of pain. Twisting toward Sean Bastion, Allen smiles. “Another fun-filled day at work, eh?”

Sean barks out a laugh. “A long day of trying not to eat all the chocolate everyone’s given me.” He shakes his head. “It’s going to be a longer day when I get home. I’ve made reservations at a fancy restaurant for me and the wife, but we couldn’t find a babysitter for Jessica. Imagine having a romantic outing with a five-year-old hyped up on chocolate. Some Valentine’s Day.” He raises his head, has a far-away look in his eyes. His smile remains.

Allen continues to smile too, both at the crisis his boss is under and how glad he is that he doesn’t have such problems. His love is incapable of getting pregnant.

He glances at the clock. Time to go. He prints out the newspaper document he’d been working on and shuts down the application.

“Which article were you on again?” Sean asks.

I don’t have time for you. Just let me go home. To her.

“Someone’s kid found a bottle buried in the sand at the beach,” he says. “There was a check for ten grand in it.”

“Legitimate?”

“Legitimate.”

“Damn. Lucky bastards.”

Can I go now? Allen wants to ask. Judging by the sly look on Sean’s face, the reply is a not yet.

“How goes your luck? You got a lady to go home to?”

Allen’s defenses rise. His smile tightens. Muscles stretch taut. He doesn’t sneer, but can’t stop his hands from balling into fists. Like I’ll tell you about the love of my life. “Naw.” A single answer. He can do better. He relaxes his jaw and packs up his suitcase. Just to let his boss know he’s done talking. “Haven’t found someone’s heart to steal yet.”

He chuckles at his own joke and leaves the office.