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View Full Version : The Observer: Comprehensive Re-write



Diogenes
April 7th, 2013, 04:16 PM
Hey Guys! It's been a while, but I've been on Hiatus for a good few months now due to Real Life problems. Anyways, I wanted to ask for some Critiques on the re-write I did for my main story. I post it as a Developing Story Blog now, so I post a new Part(I Call them Packets to add to sci-fi element) every Wednesday to see how it feels to write a story like that. I gotta say, it's actually pretty nice. The pacing feels a lot better, I can make the Packets in more bite-sized pieces while also keeping some key story plots in tact. It feels a lot like writing a Young-Adult novel(which is not a bad thing). Anyways, here is the first part of the whole re-write in kind of a Dune-style 3rd person Omniscient. Please let me know what you think, and be brutally honest in your critiques! I want to know what I can do to make it better!


Accessing Terminal . . . Packet <Leonard Gates(03856: Observer 1> Withdrawn . . .

Synopsis: Lenny finds himself in a barren world. Seeking out the Junto is all he can do. Will they be able to provide him with the answers to his numerous questions?

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Jasper, Michigan. A bit of an ironic name, considering the times. It was practically a ghost town. The only activity was at the Church, where a couple dozen people congregated in the safety of the Junto's checkpoint. Lenny had just come across this small town after his long and disturbing walk from Chelsea.

Not only had his skin gone from it's original dark-brown shade, to a pale-chocolate hue, but he hadn't felt any fatigue from the near eight hour walk. His present situation didn't prove any less disturbing unfortunately. He made it inside of the church, but not before having a SCAR-L assault rifle pointed directly at him.

"Sorry again for the scare, sir. We can't be too careful out here. We'll debrief you on the situation asap but first we need to make sure you weren't followed. Are you able to help with a full sector sweep?"

The Junto militiaman was a young man, no more than mid-twenties. A bright orange and yellow Hawaiian shirt made the red and black camo tactical vest he wore seem silly. Even still, Lenny had seen plenty of strange combinations in his time in the Junto.

"Absolutely, whatever I can do to help. Jus' one thing first, if I may?" With a sigh, the young man nodded. "What are we lookin' for?" Cocking his eyebrow, the militiaman gave Lenny a condescending look. "You fuckin' serious? Jacob told us you're in the Junto and you don't know what we're fighting?"

"A lot of things can change, son. I don' make assumptions." A group of unarmed people were staring at them from their pews. It didn't help the two were standing right at the front door to the church. "Stalkers, plain and simple. These poor civvies have no-" Lenny frowned and interrupted.

"If you're Junto you're a 'civvie' too. Let's jus' get this on with then. MY name's Lenny, by the way." Extending a hand, the man seemed perplexed and annoyed. "Roger." With a firm grasp, the young man sighed. "Nice to meet you too, Roger."

"Right. This way sir, we'll get you some gear before we start the sweep. Although you more than likely will be stuck defending the um... God damn I don't know what to call em!" relented the young man, scratching his head under a boonie hat. "You'll figure it out."

Taking a side hallway through the Church they passed a few class rooms and finally came upon a small cafeteria. It was apparant they had transformed it into an armory. There was a small locker set up on the far end with three tactical vests hanging. Each vest had three clips for a standard Junto siderm, and three magazines for a SCAR-L.

Laid on a long table were three SCAR-L rifles and three M&P 9mm sidearms, next to a few combat knives. "Alright sir, I suggest you suit up quick. We never know how these attacks will go down. Unfortunately we only have two walkies, and those are reserved for those on guard duty." Lenny walked in and picked up one of the pistols.

Shouting could be heard out in the hallway, and Roger turned towards the hallway. "Shit, we got another walker. Like I said, suit up quick." Lenny nodded, and did just that. It didn't take long to get the vest on tight, and check his sidearm. It took a bit longer to double check the SCAR-L.

Loud talking could be heard in the hallway. One was Roger, and the other was female. "Ma'am please understand! We have protocol that-" Roger desperately tried to reason with her. They reached the door to the cafeteria, and what Lenny saw he couldn't believe. This woman wore nothing but a flowing white silk dress. Her bright red hair was braided behind her head, and appeared to stretch past her shoulders.

"There you are! I'm so glad to see you!" Lenny couldn't put his finger on it, but her sweet voice sounded familiar. Roger grabbed the woman by the arm and forced her to look at him. Lenny would have objected if he hadn't known any better. "Ma'am! Please! We need to check for radiation! If you're contaminated you could be endangering everyone in the church!"

The woman glared angrily at Roger, but it didn't last for long. Roger's grasp loosened as his eyes rolled back in his head. A sight that Lenny had hoped to never see again appeared before him. A stalker's sharp nails penetrated through Roger, and destroyed his spine from behind. "Well, hon. I wouldn't worry about that too much longer." She smiled cheerily, and brushed his hand off her shoulder.

"So, where were we dear?" Lenny aimed the SCAR-L at the wall to the right of the doorway. Two shots resounded in the small room, and the mass of flesh that had thrown Roger to the ground also collapsed in a mess of blood. "Come on now! I'm not here to fight you!"

Lenny's instincts kicked in, and he ran over to her and grabbed her hand. "This way" he said, leading her to the main chamber of the church. Throwing her in front of him, he swung around and walked backwards with the rifle trained down the hallway. "Hon, this isn't-"

"No talking, need-a be able to hear em'." Lenny's ears and eyes were fixed, trying to spot or hear the stalkers. Their ability to cloak was uncanny, but not perfect. They refracted the light around them, which made it difficult to tell. But not impossible. Lenny's focus paid off, and he spotted a distortion in the air in front of him.

Three shots fired, and two stalkers in a row came uncloaked. Lenny would never forget how terrifying their lanky bodies were. Elongated Arms and legs were a fleshy pink, with light white hairs growing around their whole bodies. Lockjaw and scrunched faces made their visages even more gruesome. But it was those razor sharp nails they used to eviscerate their victims that made them the nightmare they were.

Tapping on the tile floor of the hallway indicated there were more coming. Lenny let out five bursts of three shots, until his rifle was empty. Four more stalkers hit the ground, and he had to reload. Click, the magazine was out. Before he could place a new magazine into the rifle however, a stalker had appeared in front of him.

Fear gripped him, and his mind raced. It swung upward with it's long nails, literally slicing the rifle in half. With it's other hand it came down and sliced off his tactical vest. One more strike and it was over. More slices came, a flurry of blows to his torso and with each one he could feel his clothes tearing.

"Enough!" shouted the woman behind him. The stalker froze in it's tracks, and let it's arms fall to it's side. Staring intently at Lenny for a moment, it phased back into invisibility. Lenny was in shock, he couldn't believe what had just happened. His greatest nightmare as a Junto operative had just played out before his eyes
"Hon, they're with me." Putting her hand on his shoulder, Lenny felt calm for a moment. His thoughts gathered and organized, and for some reason his fear had dissipated. "What's going on?" Looking down at his chest, the vest he had been wearing was torn to shreds. Strangely enough, the white t-shirt he was wearing was still in tact..

"You'll know all of this soon enough dear. But I just wanted to take the time to see you before we had to start all that work..." she said, tugging him to turn around. Lenny turned around and looked at her smooth face. Her smile made her seem incredibly beautiful. She giggled as she saw him looking at her.

Taking a good look at her gave Lenny a bit better idea of how gorgeous she really was. She had a full figure, with a little bit of muscle. Her bust was bigger than most, and wasn't hard to see with an open dress like the one she was wearing. "Ooh, taking a good look eh? I hope you like what you see! We're gonna be getting to know each other REAL well hon!" she said happily. Lenny finally looked into her eyes and realized what stuck out most about her.

Her cloudy hazel eyes reminded him of a woman he knew intimately back in New Orleans. "That right?" The comfort didn't last long as he looked around at the pews. People lay motionless in their seats, with blood visibly running into the middle aisle. Lenny's first instinct was to check if anyone was alive. He knew better.

"Oh, don't worry. They didn't feel a thing!" This woman spoke with so little regard for their lives. As if their deaths were no different than the passing of a day. "Ain't really the point..." mumbled Lenny. His disgust was clear. "I know..." The woman's voice lowered. Lenny looked at her intently.

"Why?" asked Lenny. She looked at him seriously, then smiled widely. "Because that's just what I do I guess! No sense dwellin' on it!" She twirled around and smiled like a child, as if it didn't even affect her anymore.

For some reason he couldn't help but feel sorry for her. But something that he didn't expect came up as well. He respected her. "Whatever's happenin' with this I aim to find out how to stop it. It ain't right. For now, we need to figure out our first step."

She continued to hop around the church looking at the people in the pews. "It's interesting at least right? Never a dull moment!" A giggle escaped her as she jumped and balanced on the top of a pew. It was like Lenny was watching a child, inside of a church, filled with maimed and destroyed human bodies. Life had become something of a nightmare.

Stalkers roamed freely throughout the church, searching lazily for more life. The sight of so many beasts that he had fought in the Junto roaming freely left a knot in his stomach. The doors to the church burst open, and the Stalkers all peered towards the entrance in anticipation. A low rumbling emanated from the entrance, and the ground began to shake. Stalkers across the room instantly camouflaged, and disappeared from sight.

The woman jumped off the pew and stared at the door with a blank look on her face. She looked at Lenny with an eery stare. "My name is Lydia!" she exclaimed to him. Her pseudo-smile made Lenny nervous. She stood sternly looking at the door. A pitch-black blob floated into view from the doors. Lydia crossed her arms underneath her bosom, and stood impatiently.

The black figure appeared human in shape, but had no distinguishing features to speak of. It was almost as if the being existed where it shouldn't have. "Of course. I scouted him out just like you asked." Lydia seemed crass with the figure, like she knew it well. The rumbling intensified, and she shook her head. "What's going on?" asked Lenny.

Foreboding gripped Lenny's mind. He knew the being was focusing on him, and didn't like that one bit. A moment passed, and Lydia looked at Lenny. She smiled curtly at him, and ran her finger through her hair. Her head snapped around and she appeared to look annoyed with the figure. This was confirmed when she flipped it the bird bluntly.

The ground shook intensely, and Lenny had to cup his ears from the reverberation. Lydia was lifted off the ground, and thrown to the front of the bloody congregation. Slamming into the podium, she let out a cry of pain. Lenny looked angrily at the figure. Foreboding gripped Lenny again, with much more intensity. Blocking out all of the feelings of fear, and sounds around him, Lenny stood up straight and began to walk over to the figure.

With every step, an unexplained fear swelled within him. The Junto taught him well. Fear is something you face head on, not run from. You can't understand the fear if you constantly run from it. "I don' know what the fuck you are, but that ain't no way to treat a lady. You need me for somethin', and if you act that way you ain't gettin' a damn thing outa me. Do I make myself clear?"

Lenny tried to look exactly where he thought the eyes would be if this thing was human. It apparently worked. The rumbling stopped, and the sense of fear and foreboding wore off. The blotched black figure defined itself, but only enough to where Lenny could definitely tell it was human. An arm outstretched, pointing to the front of the church. Lydia had picked herself up, but appeared to be holding back tears.

A large pitch-black rift opened in front of the podium near Lydia. She sighed and looked at Lenny. "Follow me hon!" she shouted, turning slowly towards the rift. Lenny couldn't believe she walked right into it. The shadowy humanoid disappeared, and Lenny took another good look around. Bloodied people still sat limp in the pews. It was more disturbing to see blood seeping around every corner of the floor.

Even as he thought that, the idea of entering the rift didn't appeal to Lenny. Dismissing his fear, he ran down the center aisle at full speed and nearly slipped on the thick blood coating the marble floor. It didn't seem wise, even as he did it. But running through that rift seemed to be the only way to find out what was happening. And he definitely intended to find out.