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NeoTanner
April 7th, 2013, 10:53 AM
Hello all! I'm here on Writing Forums to try and broaden my horizons as a writer. Currently, I'm in the process of writing a story I named Dynasty: Origins. It's set to be the beginning of a story series I want to write (stemming from a concept I worked on in a class a couple of years ago). Here I am today, hoping to get some constructive criticism on my story. Though it's my first attempt at a lengthy one.


Here's The Prologue for you guys to read without having to leave the site.


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Dynasty: Origins Prologue (December 2013 Revision)

“Dark times fell upon the country of Mortion. There was an issue of too many people within the walls of Tonoko City along with more issues of how much food the city provided and there were only a few jobs, leaving many homeless. This lasted for a few years, unfortunately. Eventually, a few citizens ended up leaving Tonoko, furious that the Baron of that time could not do much to help the city with its limited supplies. Expanding wasn’t an option, nor was trying to build several new structures with the nearest mine or forest about 50 miles away. Determined to fend for themselves, the group of people walked together, deciding to leave Tonoko to the Baron and let him handle the problems.

As they walked, they endured hardship and nearly lost people of the group every day to disease, hunger, or fatigue. The group was soon dwindling from the original number of people, which was around 50, to roughly 20. It wasn’t until about six months had passed before they supposedly reached the end of the desert, seeing the forest before them. They cheered and quickly began to chop down trees and when they found a mine, they began to extract the minerals and stone from it. They worked hard, constructing buildings like a City Hall, houses to sleep in, stores to buy food in, and most importantly designated areas of supposed farmland for the stores. Before even six more months had passed, Jaden was founded and quickly grew in popularity. It expanded easily due to being near natural resources, unlike Tonoko. This led to a higher population count as the city could easily adapt and hire workers to continue construction. In about 10 years, Jaden was twice the size of Tonoko. However, the increase caused the need for a law enforcement group to be formed. This group was known as the Jaden Council.

The Council was comprised of five people – Hiru James, Roland Rutan, Melody Jay, Jacob Parley and Tamara Mar. They were the most qualified of any other candidate. Most notably, however, was Roland. He was picked for his hard work ethic and very kind attitude toward others. He was a burly man, a Festo. He helped anyone he could, whether it was something as simple as carrying a barrel to a specific spot or as complex as figuring out costs to run a farm. He would give his own speeches to small groups of people, inspiring them to better themselves and work harder. A few even wanted him to be their mentor, though he never accepted because he didn’t like favoritism.

The attention that Roland had received was getting to the chosen leader of the Council, which was Hiru. The others sided with him, not liking the attention he received and envied the respect Roland gained. He also feared that he would be taking over as head of the Council and began to plot something against him. Then, one day, Roland opened his door to find the police there, accusing him of crimes against Jaden. He was then arrested and shown to his shed, which was stocked with illegal weaponry from both Jaden and Tonoko. There were no permits within the shed and no records kept at any of the local stores in Jaden or Tonoko. Roland tried to plead his case, but no one would believe him. He was thrown in prison as the Council decided on what to do for a punishment. A death sentence rumor quickly spread, making even Roland believe he was going to be killed for a crime he didn’t commit. He sat there in his cell, contemplating what to do.

A few days had passed and Roland was still awaiting his sentence. He had just about given up before there was a small clanking sound. Before he could react, the stone wall to his right crumbled and revealed several young men. He questioned them, wanting to know why they were coming to help him. All of their responses were because he helped them at one time or another. Smiling, Roland stood up and headed out of the hole. They all thought they were home free to get to a house to hide out before Roland would notice police officers running to their position, laser guns ready. He narrowed his eyes, ready to fight them off as he was handed a gun of his own by one of the townspeople that helped break down the wall. He called out to them, telling them to stop or there would be casualties. They didn’t listen, prompting Roland to yell for the townspeople to fire and fight alongside him. They complied and a fight would erupt within the small area, leaving quite a few casualties in the aftermath.

Roland gathered the remaining townspeople and led them toward the City Hall, where the Jaden Council was waiting. They burst into the City Hall, with the guards being knocked out cold, and hurried to the first large room. There, they found Tamara. She immediately began to beg for her life, afraid that Roland was going to kill her. He did end up sparing her, but had the townspeople tie her up, effectively arresting her. She then confessed where the other Council members were hiding, which lead to Roland seeking out Jacob first.

Jacob was stowed away in the military quarter of the Hall, heavily armed with weapons. He aimed a Shock Gun at Roland as soon as he walked in. They got into an argument about what had happened and that Jacob refers to it needing to happen with no explanation as to why. This prompted Roland to dodge a shot and fire back. The firefight ensued, leaving bullet wounds in both of their bodies. However, Jacob was wounded much worse than Roland was. Roland did not spare him though, shooting him point blank in the head as Jacob went on about being able to find him and hurt those close to him. He checked around the room, soon finding a purple liquid in a small jar. He decided to place it in a compartment within the room to look at later, wondering if that was the same purple residue that he had seen on Jacob’s fingers.

The next person to deal with was Melody. Roland found her within the Earthwarden quarter of the City Hall, which held archeology fragments, books on a natural energy that could be used much like one would describe as magic known as Terran Energy, and documents on great landmarks. Roland approached her, watching her sit atop a statue. Trying to confront her, she immediately interrupted him with her own objection to his way of teaching. She repeated the same thing Jacob had gone on about – that he needed to be killed and that he threatened their way of life. Roland looked past it, noticing the purple residue on her lips. It was the same from Jacob’s fingers. There was a pattern and he wanted to figure out why. Before anything could be done, however, Melody attempted to move and ended up slipping, falling to her death as she landed on her head and her neck snapped. Roland wasn’t pleased with the events, but it was out of his hands. He then headed into the main corridor, where Hiru was waiting.

Roland grew suspicious right away, wondering why Hiru was expecting him and acting so calm. There were containers of the purple liquid near him and behind him. It was then explained before Roland had to jump out of the way of trap door that the Jaden Council had been linked with the Tonoko Council, whom exchanged Nether Energy in a liquefied form for other exports Jaden could offer like minerals, food and so on. Hiru openly drank a large cup of the liquid right in front of Roland, soon dropping it and the effects were immediate. Hiru’s fur and skin turned dark purple and he grew two extra pairs of arms, totaling six. A bulge formed at the side of his neck, rapidly forming into a second snarling head. Roland couldn’t believe his eyes – Hiru had given into temptation, even after hearing of how the Tonoko Council was ruling after discovering Nether Energy imbued land. Jumping out of the way of Hiru throwing a chair toward him, he tried to come up with a plan. He continued to move out of the way of projectiles the transformed Hiru launched at him, noticing he was constantly protecting something in the back by always immediately turning toward him. It was then Roland decided to trick him and tried to flank Hiru on his right side. When the attention was brought to him, Roland slid on his heels and passed underneath him, in between his legs. He grabbed onto the left leg, then with most of his strength, yanked it from under Hiru and caused him to fall forward. Hiru cursed Roland, struggling to get up due to his new sudden increased body mass from the transformation. This gave Roland and opening and he shot Hiru point blank in the back with the pistol.
The bullets that fired were absorbed into Hiru’s form as he roared out. Shocked by this, Roland backed away as far as he could in the room from the now once again standing abomination before him. Immediately, the large hand of Hiru swooped down and shoved Roland against the wall. It caused him a great deal of pain, but he endured. Roland regained himself and dodged another swipe. He landed near the Council’s table before noticing Hiru’s own sword sitting in its sheath next to the larger chair. He ran toward it as he quickly came to the conclusion bullets may not work, but a sword might.

Hiru slammed his fists into the ground, causing the floor to crumble as a shockwave was sent toward Roland. Once he noticed it, it was too late. He fell to the floor below, but he had grabbed the strap of the sword’s sheath. Groaning, he fell onto his right arm and was forced to use only his left arm to help himself get up. It felt like it was broken from the impact as he couldn’t easily move it now. He managed to yank the sword out into the open and pointed it toward Hiru. Only emitting a feral growl, Hiru charged toward him. Roland blocked his attack and threw him back with just a single thrust. He then charged at Hiru, readying the sword. He dodged a few objects thrown at him, such as a podium, before the sword connected with Hiru, going deep into his chest cavity. Gasping for air rather suddenly and coughing up a storm as he returned to normal, Hiru continued to curse Roland before finally passing away.

The people on the outside watched on as they were still injured, wondering what became of Roland. Their thoughts were abolished when he came out of the Council’s building, holding the sword in his left hand. He looked at the people before him and declared that the Council was defeated and that Jaden would be a new safe haven from the families and corruption of Tonoko. Thus Roland was deemed the new mayor of the city and has been ever since. The end.”

As my mother closed the book, I sat up despite feeling sleepy.

“Thanks, Mama,” I said, yawning sleepily. I hugged her best I could like I usually did with a good story being read to me. “I wish I was as awesome as Mr. Roland!”

“I know you wish that, honey,” my mother smiled gently. “You’re awesome in your own way though. It is time for bed though.”

Her thin fingers gently brushed through my uncombed black hair. I leaned into the rubbing, always enjoying it quite a bit. I looked up at her, always finding her smile calming me or just causing me to smile back. She had lush blonde hair that went down to her middle-back, light brown fur that felt so soft to the touch and her eyes were a gentle green color. They always sparkled in the candle light when she lit a candle for my bedtime story. We had electricity, but we conserved it at night in this manner. She was in her night gown, clearly ready for bed like I was supposed to be, too. It was bright blue and had a leafy pattern sewed into it. I leaned forward and nearly fell off of my bed, grabbing onto my mother’s arm suddenly as I didn’t want to get hurt.

My mother just grabbed me gently and calmed me down with a gentle hum in my ear before laying me back in my bed. I looked at her and then smiled again, kissing her nose gently as she gave me my good night hug.

“Get some rest now, my little Lane,” she said, still gently rubbing my head. “You need your sleep to aid you in growing up to become a tough man like your father.”

“Okay, Mama,” I nodded before closing my eyes and trying to tuck myself in.

I felt her tuck me in after a moment before she had gotten up and blown the candle out.

“Sweet dreams, baby,” her voice echoed from the doorway before it closed.

I would smile and fall asleep peacefully every time she said those words. I felt warm. I felt like I was in a perfect world.


The morning would soon come and I’d wake up to the sound of breakfast being made and the sunlight beaming down on my face from the window. I rubbed my eyes gently before crawling out of bed, yawning gently. I walked into the hallway, adjusting my blue pajamas. I then grumbled before heading back into my room, always disliking how my father usually joked about wearing pajamas as a boy. He was a fun father. He goofed off, was serious at times, and overall always made sure he made time for my mother and I. He worked hard for us. He wanted to provide, despite being miles away from Tonoko or Jaden. I only questioned why we lived in a hut, out in the middle of the swamp, once. My mother told me that it was for the best. She described Tonoko as the Baron’s terrible place to rule directly and that Jaden was infested with bad people, which she called criminals.

As I headed downstairs after changing into a yellow t-shirt and a pair of brown shorts, I could hear my parents talking. I then leaned against the wall right before it ended and it was just the railing and its posts and listened.

“Someone’s looking for you, Jason,” my mother sighed. “It was only a matter of time and you know it. We’re barely getting by as it is. We can’t have another problem surface.”

“I know,” my father said, leaning against the wall. “When that person comes by again, I’ll give him a talking to. Just… well, you know what to do…”

“I know, but I don’t like it,” she said. “We’re a family, Jason. “We… can’t be on the run forever…”

My father stood up and walked over to her, giving her a tight hug.

“I promise that things will turn out fine,” he said, though he was trying to whisper.

My mother nodded and then headed to the oven to take out some food she was cooking. It smelled nice as I could tell as I came downstairs fully now. My head was rubbed by my father, who then hugged me.

“My little champ,” he said. “Sleep well?”

“I did, Papa,” I nodded. “Mama tucked me in real well, just like always.”

“Good,” he chuckled. “I’m gonna head outside to get some lumber. You just eat your breakfast and go exploring like you always do, alright? You know your mom loves the fact you want to explore Krater when you grow up.”

“Yes, sir!” I smiled, feeling his hand rub gently against my head again.

“Good boy,” he said before standing up and heading out of the house.

I sat at the table and watched my mother fix my plate. Once I received it, I ate every last bite of the delicious food. I then hugged her for the meal.

“Aw, sweetie, you don’t have to hug every time,” she laughed gently. “I do love it though. I hope you continue the hugging tradition when you get a wife one day.”

“No way, Mama,” I smiled. “I’m staying with you forever. You’re the best cook!”

“Oh, you’ll get that special girl one day,” she said. “Until then, I’m happy to fill in as the great cook!”

I clapped gently, always getting excited when my mother appreciated my praise.

“Now, go on, explore,” my mother smiled. “You have your little Holophone, right?”

“I do, Mama,” I nodded. With another hug, I set out to go exploring in what my father referred to as The Great Backyard.

I looked at my Holophone as I headed outside, smiling as my mother and father were just one button away from being called if I had gotten lost. They usually guided me back to the hut if I ever did lose my direction. I put it in my left pocket before looking around as the trees were wilting at this time of the year. There was one more month left and it was the beginning of The Blessing of Kings week. Mother taught me how to celebrate it. Every day, we light a candle for the brave souls that ventured Krater when it was a very new planet. These souls went to discover and create many of the countries within In, such as the one I lived in – Mortion. It also allowed gift giving in the middle of the week. I always loved my parents’ gifts, even if they weren’t fancy. On the previous Blessing of Kings week, I had gotten a bicycle I was riding a lot if I were to go somewhere with one of them. I always made them things in return, like a Vinecone sculpture of my father, a drawing of all of us and so forth. I was hoping to figure out something this year to top my family drawing.

My thoughts about my gift were broken, however, when I heard a few noises coming from my left. I looked around and scratched my head. No animals within my eyesight. I wondered what was making the noises. I kept hearing them, so I slowly walked toward them. I peeked through a bush, seeing my father and what looked like a man dressed in a strange mental suit and a helmet covering most of his face arguing with my father.

“The Draft isn’t an optional thing, Mr. Silverbane,” the man said. “I’m giving you 12 more hours to come and sign up or we’ll withdraw our protection on you against the Crimson Gavel. We may even be forced to apply force ourselves in other areas if the Gavel isn’t enough of a threat.”

“Bite me,” my father growled at him. “You come near my family and I’ll bite your head off, personally. I’ve told you several times now I’m not interested in this war or your damn military. Leave me and them alone.”

The man sighed before pulling a what looked like a real version of my toy laser pistol on my father.

“You either come or you die, Mr. Silverbane,” he said. “The choice is yours. Once you are dead, however, your spouse cannot object to being put into the Draft either or she’ll suffer as well.”

“You’ll make my son have no parents then,” my father said. “Is that something you want haunting you?”

“To be frank, I don’t give a damn,” the man said. “What’s the answer, Acrolyte? I can make this quick and painless or you can keep your filthy race alive and serve Baron Runo in his military.”

My father narrowed his eyes, but let out a sigh. He nodded and held out his hand.

“Good, I knew you’d see things our way,” the man said, getting out a pair of real laser handcuffs.

Once he became close enough, however, my father grabbed the man’s arm with the cuffs and head-butted him before twisting his arm behind his back, causing him to groan in pain. My father then grabbed the man’s suit’s collar and made him run straight into a nearby tree several times before grabbing the laser pistol from the ground. He seemed to move directly in front of my vision and I heard it go off. I didn’t know what that meant, but it didn’t sound or look good. My father then moved something in front of him, pushing it into the nearby river. It was as if he knew I was watching. I covered my mouth and stood up before trying to turn and heading back home once my father was heading back in that direction.

I followed him closely, not wanting to get lost. I didn’t understand what I had seen. What happened to the man? Why was my father running? I could see tears swelling in his eyes as whenever he looked around, I noticed his panicked face. It made me feel like he had done something worse than bad. Though it wasn’t long until I saw the hut and I slowed down, letting my father get farther ahead so I didn’t arrive too soon after him. As I stopped, however, I heard a beeping noise. I looked around and followed the said beeping and it eventually led to a timer connecting a long wire to something. I looked and noticed it headed back to my family’s hut.

I still didn’t understand what it was, so I picked up my pace and ran toward where my father was. By then, he had gotten inside and I could see my mother and him hugging before turning to the window. They seemed to watch me run toward the hut. Tears were flowing down both of their cheeks as they raised their hands at me. I still didn’t understand, but I was growing frightened. Why were they going to wave? Why were they crying? It wasn’t until I was half way there before I heard the beep rapidly increase and a loud boom echoed throughout my ears and around me, causing them to ring unbearably. I looked in horror once I could open my eyes, seeing the smoke before me. The hut had exploded.

“Mama!” I called out, continuing to run now. “Papa! Mama! Papa!”

I looked around frantically, wanting to find them. I wanted to make sure they were okay. Instead, I arrived directly in the middle of the debris and found body parts blow everywhere. I found my mother’s arm and my father’s, holding each other’s hands. Tears began to swell in my eyes, as I continued to call out for them. I never received a response. I remembered my Holophone after a moment of this and pulled it out. There was one missed message on it and I quickly hit the green button. It connected and I could hear my mother sobbing.

“Lane… if you… are as smart as I think…” my mother said through her sobs. “Then… You’ll check your messages… I’m sorry, baby. I have…. A secret stashed for you that will help you. You may not find it for years, but it’s…”

She was cut off by the sound of my father running inside and hugging her close, both crying audibly now. The explosion then occurred, effectively ending the message.

“Mama…” I said, looking at the arms on the ground. “Papa…”

I sat down as I played the message again, reaching out and holding my hand on the hands of the severed arms. I kept my hand there, sobbing and repeatedly saying their names until a I heard twigs break and some footsteps. I looked in the direction they came from, seeing a burly man in a trench coat approaching me.

“There he is,” the man said. “The parents… What a shame. Quickly, take him. Runo still needs more in his Academy.”

I let out a pained groan as my right arm was snatched and I was yanked from the hands I was trying to hold. I tried to go back, but I ended up being picked up so I couldn’t run and put over the man’s shoulder. I looked around, noticing a couple of my parents’ friends staring at the debris and then looking at me, a strange blankness to their expressions. They were the ones I began to loath. They sold me off to the Cryptic Guard Academy after promising to take care of me to my parents.

As I was carried, my head began to hurt as there was a distant sound of what was perhaps an alarm and someone yelling over a speaker. I closed my eyes and then held my head as I was carried before there was darkness and my eyes opened back up and I woke up in my bunk, sweating a bit.

The nightmare still lived on.

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If you like it enough to continue reading the chapters, here are links to my deviantART and FictionPress:

Dynasty: Origins FictionPress (http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3072038/1/Dynasty-Origins)
Dynasty: Origins deviantART (http://neotanner.deviantart.com/art/Dynasty-Origins-The-Prologue-V2-Revision-449080369)

Apple Ice
April 7th, 2013, 11:40 AM
Some things I don't understand but this is the prologue so I'm sure everything will become apparent later on. There's one thing that I have to say I don't like, you have created this whole new species and universe and names for it all but the people still talk like regular humans. This may not be a problem for everyone else but i just found myself thinking they sound a bit too earth American for half fox aliens. Other than that though I think it's rich and I believe this could be good. The prologue was engaging enough for me to read without stopping which isn't very usual. Well done

NeoTanner
April 7th, 2013, 11:47 AM
Thanks :)

Yeah, I know about the too human kind of thing. Though it's more or less an alternate Earth witho anthropomorphic animals (with some aliens, not all aliens), with some anthro races being aliens. As an Acrolyte, they're probably the closest thing I could relate to a human regardless (and yes, a lot of the prologue stuff would be explained later). For Lane's species, I was more so going for a fantasy vibe, not an alien fantasy vibe that usually is obtained with "going from planet to planet". Probably the best example of that is Lloyd in Space, where it was a bunch of alien teenagers that acted like Earth teens and in an earth school (though in space). So I guess it only bothers some people. I do think it'd be natural for an alien species to act a bit human if they've established a civilization for a while on a planet, which I believe I stated. That's just me though.

There are a couple of alien species, however. They would perhaps have this 'issue' with being too human, which I do need to look into seeing how I could make them feel unique. More or less, most alien characters I've seen on popular media have never been too different from human counterparts and I wanted to somewhat avoid the awkward alien speech (like Starfire's literal interpretations or Invader Zim's misunderstandings) as most of the alien species have fully adapted to Krater (which is the name of the Earth in this... er... universe).

I'm glad that you found it engaging though. That makes me have some hope, haha. I've had a couple of friends read it and said they loved it, but I feel that was a bit bias. So I came here for some unbiased opinions. Thank you again!

Apple Ice
April 7th, 2013, 03:12 PM
It's your story so I trust you know what you want out of it and how you want the characters to be. I'm hardly a fan of sci-fi in any aspect so take my critique as a casual observer. More hardened sci-fi fans will probably appreciate your efforts on making it different from the usual alien type. I still do suggest just maybe playing down the phrases a bit more though because if someone like myself does read it they won't have the fortune to have it explained by you and what your intentions are like I have. Also, I had a bit of a hard time imagining the faces of your characters but again I'm sure that's something you will elaborate on more as the book progresses and as he grows up.
Again, very well done. I will read more chapters if you decide to post them on here

NeoTanner
April 7th, 2013, 08:26 PM
Alrighty, good to know. I had linked to the FictionPress/deviantART areas where I had uploaded the rest, by the way. So you could continue if you want. I may place up another act or two here soon though.

StevenW
April 9th, 2013, 01:43 AM
I don't describe myself as a monkey-boy (well, sometimes I do :playful:). Drop the self description. Let us learn about it through actions. Also, there can me something as too much information. You're good at dialogue - that's your strong suit.

NeoTanner
April 9th, 2013, 09:34 AM
So you think I should let the leader learn through actions and reactions about characters and the world? Hmm. I wonder how difficult that'd be in a narrative since the story is with Lane's perspective. I do know the first chapter and maybe the second suffer from somewhat repeating information, unfortunately. It also has Lane start out a bit... too noble. I've attempted in later acts to make him a bit more... human-like. You know, emotionally. And situationally. Though I'd definitely work to improve upon it. After all, this is my first lengthy story. XD

Also, situationally is now a word. Stop telling me it's not, computer!

Here's Act 1, copy and pasta'd for those of you that don't like to click the links at the bottom of the first post, haha. I kid. Here's the copy and paste.

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Dynasty: Origins, Act 1 - Cryptic Illusions

Ever since that day, my life hasn't been stable enough to sit still. I wanted nothing to do with the area that was within destroyed hut. Thus, the Cryptic Guard found me and drafted me, though I was in the Cryptic Academy instead of the military itself due to needing to be trained how to fight. I hated it. I had to wear the Cryptic colors, which were a combination of crimson red and black, along with white belts. I sat in my dorm, finding it rather difficult to still stay indoors despite now being at the Cryptic Academy for a good decade. My roommates were already brainwashed, I assumed. They called me strange for reading non-military material and not entirely focusing on combat training, yet I still won majority of the time if I sparred with them.

"Is that the military handbook, mate?" one of my roommates asked in a kind manner. He was a Promus Alpha, a race of canine humanoids which the alpha stated he was a Promus that was unusually tall as they were normally a short race. His black hair was slicked back, freshly combed as he had just come from changing into the restroom after showering.

"No," I answered. "It's a book on the history of Mortion. If I'm fighting for it, I might as well learn about the province, right?" I just chuckled as the boy gave me a strange look. I sat back and continued to read the book, occasionally running my hand through what was left of my white hair. I had to get it cut to stay within the Academy, so I was now sporting a short hair look with small spikes at the tip of my hair. It did resemble a buzz cut from afar, but up close it was more like a flattop.

"Well, you need to study the military handbook if you wish to graduate and get into the action," the same roommate said as he sat on his bed. "I've been studying and I will be put on the field tomorrow, I'm hoping."

I tried to stifle a laugh as I knew being released from the Academy meant being placed under total mind control as I did notice soldiers acting much more obedient after their final training. I wasn't stupid or blinded by a patriotic duty like some of the boys I met year after year within it. I was only in the Academy because I had to be. I didn't have a home otherwise. I feel dirty for saying it, but the Cryptic Guard was technically my home even if I didn't like it.

"Attention!" Commander Vaxis, my division's commanding officer, called from the doorway. "Up and outside! We got a little house cleanin' to do."

I let out a nearly silent sigh as that usually meant we were doing yard work. Though this time it meant the group was lined up while I was called out into the center.

"Silverbane," Commander Vaxis shouted, "why are you still here? You've been in the Academy for ten years now. You should be jumping at the opportunity to serve Mortion and protect it from our foes. Who are our foes? I ask again, maggot. Who are our foes?"
"The Bodaren and anyone who resists the Baron and the Queen's orders, sir," I stated calmly.

"And who else?" he shouted, nearly destroying my eardrum.

"Criminals, sir," I stated. "No matter their hardened resolve, always bring down the criminal even if needing to use lethal force."
"Good, good," Commander Vaxis chuckled. "Now, drop and give me fifty one armed pushups, you pile of trash."

I complied to the Commander's wish and got into position, beginning my pushups almost immediately. My reaction time was as twice as good as it would be with another soldier, it seemed.

"At ease," Vaxis stated. "Silverbane, you've overstayed you're welcome indoors. I filed for you to be sent out into the Jeheree Desert with the next squad to look for people that aren't supposed to be outside of the city."

I stood up, panting and sweating from the pushups and looked at the Commander. My eyes showed my disbelief in the fact he was forcing me to go into the battlefield, but I still answered "Yes, sir!"

"Good," Vaxis smugly replied. "Back to your quarters, Silverbane. Better get ready. The rest of you, pushups. A hundred, now." The rest of my division complied as I headed back to my bunk.

I grumbled under my breath once I knew I was in the clear of any ear shots of any of the Cryptic Guard that "ran" this program. I pulled my tank top off as it was damp with sweat. I then pulled on a clean undershirt before finding my Guard Gear within the nearby closet. The armor was rather bulky and hard to breathe through. The shoulders were heavy and colored a bright red. They glared easily, with the logo on the sides being the most reflective when it came to blinding citizens or other guards with them. I hoisted them onto my shoulders, strapping them into place as I pulled on the protective chest plate. Combined, the shoulders and chest plate alone felt as heavy as a boulder. I then pulled the red leg armor on, snapping it around my legs and waist. The entire suit was causing me to nearly fall over due to its weight as I walked over to the helmet that matched it and put it on slowly, grumbling under my breath since I was still rather angry about being deployed.

"Silverbane, you ready?" I heard Commander Vaxis shout from down the hall. "Just put on the suit, maggot! No make-up!"

I walked out of my bunk within the excessively weighed down Cryptic Guard uniform and headed down the hall. I had the official Defiler gun in my hands. It was basically an automatic machine gun, though modified to fire laser bullets instead of the old "classic" kind. I approached Vaxis fully armed and armored up, ready to go out on a rookie patrol of Tonoko City. With a nod, I was let through the gates and approached my escort name Virgil Tanner. He was a somewhat tall man, around five foot, eleven inches. He was a Fastoona, a race of bipedal raccoons that seemed to share the traits of a grizzly bear. He was somewhat fat, around perhaps three-hundred and fifty pounds. His mustache quivered below his nose when he saw me, seemingly pessimistic about my outing. His gray fur rustled a bit in the small breeze outside.

"You sure he's ready, Vaxis?" Virgil asked my commander.

"I'm positive," Vaxis replied. "He has barely seen any action, yet he aces majority of his tests. I want him to be in action though. I want him to see that a damn test is nothing like the real thing. Find some criminals. They're everywhere. We can see anything."

I pondered that a moment as Vaxis talked to Virgil, wondering if the Cryptic Guard really did see everything that happened in Tonoko. If they did, why was there a crime rate still? Why did people still resist them or have ideals that they could overthrow the Cryptic Guard and the Baron and the Queen? I shook my head gently once my name was shouted by Virgil.

"Come on, new meat!" Virgil called out. "Time for your rounds! I'm pairin' you up with Yuno, maggot! She needs her training as well!"

Yuno. That name rung a bell in my head as if it were six in the morning on a Sunday. I knew Yuno from basic training and had befriended her. She, of course, stayed in the female barracks as we were separated, but we did keep each other company when we were allowed to talk to one another. She was heavy on the warfare, though she wasn't crazed about killing people. She only wanted to bring justice in a quick, but not destructive manner. You see, Yuno was a lovely and curvy Festo, which is a bipedal four armed feline race. Her green eyes sparkled every time I saw her, while her sensual sway outside of her heavy plated armor was a bit of a signature of hers. She usually swayed her hips in a gradual motion, letting the eyes settle on her somewhat thick but curvy legs. Her hair was a soft brown color and long, but usually tied into a ponytail. Her blue fur rustled in the wind when she was only in a t-shirt and a pair of cameo pants, which she always wore combat boots with. She was the youngest of seven children, being the only girl. She was toughened more than perhaps a normal girl would be, due to her family having a history in the Cryptic Guard and she was practically raised as a soldier like her brothers. I never knew her last name, but frankly, I didn't care. When a boy my age sees a girl with such beauty as Yuno had combined with the combat skills of a professional assailant, that boy tends to not focus on anything other than the girl herself. When I did see Yuno, my heart still skipped a beat despite knowing and seeing she was covered up with Cryptic Guard armor herself. The armor was so bulky that even her sway wasn't noticeable. The Baron and the Queen figured the designs of the suits to be foolproof, so no one could tell which guard was of what gender, thus disabling the ability to bribe unless the said guard took off their helmet. There was also a device in the helmet that modified our voices, making us all sound like a very deep male voice.

"Morning, Silverbane," Yuno greeted me as she approached me. "Let's head out. We report back every hour, telling Commander Virgil our findings. Lucky and Sean will be helping us patrol, but they're already in the city."
"Understood, Yuno," I nodded before turning toward the gate and heading out into Tonoko City. For the first time, I was on my own with Yuno. Despite the big suit of armor and the hot weather, I felt good about going around the city without the need for a senior Cryptic Guard escort. However, I did question why Lucky and Sean were tagging along. They weren't good guards at all. In fact, they perhaps would arrest anyone they could if they could even plant evidence on them just to be in a good standing with Commander Vaxis. They made me cringe at the thought of any other Cryptic Guard soldier being like that.

Yuno and I patrolled the first portion of the city at a somewhat slow pace. It was only a half an hour later and we were just arriving at the Tonoko Town Square. I looked around, yawning within my helmet as it had been rather boring already.

"It seems like everyone today wants to be a good citizen," I joked to Yuno.

"It may seem that way, but there could be hidden ulterior motives," Yuno stated. "You just have to develop a skill to pick up on them. Over there, there's an illegal substance transfer happening." She then began to hastily walk toward the direction she pointed, approaching a couple of males. I followed behind her.
"Oh, crap, a Cryptic Guard," I heard one of the boys she stood in front of say. He tried to turn and run, but Yuno was too quick and managed to grab the back of his collar.

"Too late," Yuno said. "You're under arrest for illegal substance distribution. Empty your pockets."

The boy grumbled and did nothing until Yuno stroke him in the back with the butt end of her weapon. It wasn't unethical within our military, but perhaps elsewhere it was. A few purple glowing pieces fell to the ground and made my eyes fixate on them. I had wondered what the substance was as it clearly wasn't something easily obtained. I don't know how Yuno knew about it either. As I pondered this thought, Yuno had the boy cuffed and on the ground. I radioed the commander, and then we escorted the boy toward the center of the Town Square.

The boy was handed over to Commander Vaxis, whom seemed to have quite the gleam in his eye when the boy was given to him, as if he enjoyed punishing those who broke the supposed law. Yuno and I then set back down our patrol path within the city, I found myself dragging a bit behind her, with my eyes sometimes fixating on Yuno's bottom despite being unable to see the sway. It seemed to be a habit of mine whenever I was around her.

"So you're finally out training?" I heard her ask, snapping me out of my strange fixation with her bottom.

"Oh," I said, blinking and then nodding. "Yeah. The commander was becoming a bit impatient, as I didn't seem to want to go into battle. So he thinks this will do me some good."

"I would agree," Yuno laughed. "You did seem to be a bit sheltered in that Academy, Lane. You need to see some action in order to truly know what being a Cryptic Guard soldier feels like. There's nothing better than apprehending a criminal, Lane."

"I can only imagine," I chuckled as I listened to her talk. "Do you have any idea what that substance was and why it's illegal though?"

"Shouldn't you know about it already?" Yuno asked me. "Well, I'm not sure on the exact name of the substance, but I know it can be abused and causes hallucinations as well as having potential to permanently alter one's mind."

"That sounds like one powerful drug," I chuckled. I then heard my Communicator go off and raised my arm to hit the answer button.

"You two," I heard Sean's grizzly voice over the Communicator, "get over here. We have some prisoners that we need you to escort. While you do that, Lucky and I are going to scout the North end of the city. There's rumored to be a resistance movement up there."

Yuno and I both sighed quietly. Lucky and Sean had always dumped their prisoner catches onto others, in particularly Yuno. We reluctantly headed toward Lucky and Sean's location, finding two seemingly innocent civilians cuffed up to one another. One was a scrawny man, whom looked barely taller than a Promus – which were rather short canines. They only averaged out to a maximum height of four feet, unless they were an Alpha. He barely looked like he was able to hold up much of a fight. His lack of muscle tone was apparent, his arms slightly flabby as he was a bit chubby. His lower lip quivered as he looked especially nervous when we arrived. The other civilian was a younger woman whom seemed to be barely sixteen. She looked like a Festo, like Yuno. She had dark blue fur and an obviously younger complexion.

"Here, take the troublemakers back to the Commander," Sean snapped at both Yuno and I. "We have to search the Upper City for more of these resilient types. Take the evidence Lucky and I found and hand it over to the Commander as well." He pointed over to several objects piled up near the two arrested civilians. I simply nodded as Yuno looked over the two as I approached the objects.

"Good," Sean stated. "We're goin' now. Get those low-lives to the Commander ASAP." He then marched off, making me mutter an insult under my breath.

I've never liked either Sean or Lucky. They were perhaps the worst Cryptic Guards I've ever seen. Though I was surprised that they managed to catch more criminals, as for the first time the Dunce Duo had begun to capture quite a few criminals. To me, it was suspicious. They had a terrible track record until only a couple of weeks ago. After examining the supposed illegal objects, I did find something interesting.

I then used my Cryptic Guard helmet'ss scanning utility, primarily used for crime scenes. Luck and Sean's handprints were all over these objects, which shouldn't have been possible if they were wearing their Cryptic Guard gloves. That told me that perhaps these objects were placed around the two civilians, trying to purposely frame innocent people to gain reputation from Vaxjs and the Baron and the Queen.

"Yuno," I said. "Come here. I need to talk to you about something."

Yuno shrugged and kept her Plasma Rifle aimed at the civilians, walking over to me. "What is it?" she asked.

"These objects have Lucky's and Sean's DNA all over them," I said quietly. "If they were in uniform, that wouldn't happen."

"DNA?" Yuno asked. "Are you trying to defend these low-life criminals? I know that Lucky and Sean are morons, but that's not an excuse to blame them and then set the criminals free."

"Yuno, it's quite obvious to me that Sean and Lucky planted this evidence," I said. "Don't let your supposed friendship with them blind your judgment."

"It's perhaps your judgment that's being blinded as you dislike them," she humphed. "If you refuse to do your actual patrol duties, I might as well arrest you, too."

I blinked at that, being legitimately surprised that Yuno said what she did. I was perhaps her closest friend, yet she was willing to turn me in. I bit my lower lip and sighed, as that was the last straw.
"Fine, but round up a Carrier Wagon," I said, bluntly. "We can't escort them halfway across the city without causing a panic or a riot. If they are terrorists, then we shouldn't give them the pleasure in striking fear into the citizens."

"There's the proper Cryptic Guard procedure," Yuno laughed, nodding. She swayed in the opposite direction of me, trying to flag down a Carrier Wagon.

Luckily, there wasn't one terribly close. I approached the two prisoners and knelt down before them, undoing their cuffs.

"W-What…?" the man asked in belief as the woman only shook and looked like she was about to run, but she was obviously frightened.

"Go," I said, pointing in the direction ahead of me.

"But…" the man said, which he then took off while grabbing the woman's hand and bringing her with him.

I stood there, sighing as I was alone now. I had just freed two innocent people that were going to be wrongly sentenced, but the way anyone else would see it was very different. To any of the Cryptic Guard, I had just committed a form of treason.

Immediately, I was turning to walk away. I wanted to run, to hide. I kept my pace, however, to avoid any suspicion. Though to my surprise, I heard the whirling hover jets of a Cryptic Carrier Wagon less than a minute later. There was one closer than I thought. Yuno hopped off of it, looking around for me and the two supposed 'guilty' citizens. Spotting me, she ran over to my position.

"Lane!" she shouted out, though I continued to walk. "Lane! Get your ass back here! The prisoners have escaped under your supervision!"

I looked back at her momentarily with silence and a glare that she couldn't see. Prisoners? They weren't even arrested yet. I then slowly lifted my Cryptic helm off of my head and narrowed my eyes at her.

"I will be part of no military that wrongly arrests and accuses the innocent," I bluntly stated. "I also will not befriend someone who isn't phased by the acts of Sean and Lucky. Planting evidence is illegal, yet you condone it. Come and get me, Yuno."

I then moved and threw my helm to the ground as she stared at me. When she began to walk toward me, clearly ready to arrest me, I turned and took off as fast as I could. I had challenged her, but I wasn't going to be arrested; at least not under these circumstances.

----

Silenced
April 13th, 2013, 07:11 AM
I like how you're approaching your sci-fi reality. Although, generic corrupt cops and so forth, it was good nonetheless. I'll plan on reading more later.

NeoTanner
May 7th, 2014, 11:07 AM
Hello everyone. I'm back again, after being gone for apparently over a year (I thought it was a heck of a lot... less than that). Anyway... I've had some progress. The story's up to Act 12 (Chapter 12) with Act 11.5 (intermission act) and a revised Prologue having been released. I still value some input though. The chapters progressively get longer, so I can't (or rather don't want to) make multiple posts with copy and pasting. Here's a link to the story below. I've been having some dry spells with writing that hopefully will pick up again.

Story Link: Click Here
(https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3072038/1/Dynasty-Origins)
There's also a Wikia still being updated, but ready for public viewing. It contains story spoilers, so only check it out if you don't mind (or if you've already read the story).

Wikia: Click Here (http://dynasty-series.wikia.com/wiki/Dynasty_Series_Wiki)

NeoTanner
May 25th, 2014, 12:22 PM
Bit of a bump. Not sure if it's against the rules or not. Though if it is, I'll remove this post. Still looking for some critiques about the story. *nod nod* It'd be greatly appreciated.