View Full Version : Intertwined Souls (Adult Themes - 436 words)

Apple Ice
March 31st, 2013, 09:34 PM
*Going through some updates*

April 3rd, 2013, 01:38 AM
Interesting content. However, clarity is an issue.

Getting up shakily I walk into the room where the terrible act had happened, dragging at a slow pace as if she were going to spring back to life.

something doesn't sound right. I would suggest breaking this up into two sentences to make it clear.

Hindsight is a rather terrible thing. It is with hindsight that we become masters of what should have been, rather than what is.

Again break up the sentence. Notice I changed the comma.
Don't get me wrong, I am a HUGE fan of long sentences, much to the dismay of my editor. But try not to trail if you don't have to.
I have this problem with my conjunctions, but how you use them is very good.
Give us another 90k words and I believe you could have a winner here.

BTW, I love your choice of tense!!! Don't let anyone sway you out of your choice of tense. In 1st person present is king.

Apple Ice
April 3rd, 2013, 10:42 PM
Thank you, I have changed both of those sentences around a bit so hopefully they're better now. Technically I'm not very good so that's the bane of my writing.
That's a very nice thing to hear and as for the tense I agree with you even if it is a bit more challenging. Thanks again BakslashJack (makes me think of Jack the Ripper)